Hi all, I am new, and you all are so insightful I thought I'd take the plunge on this forum, since I haven't been able to figure this out myself for a month now.
I've been with my boyfriend J for almost five years, and from my 37 yo perspective he's the love of my life. The first year of our relationship was 100% rainbows. Then we had to go through a 1 year LDR without seeing each other at all. He changed a lot while he was away (almost in total isolation) and after that, we had many issues to work through. We have only recently started to climb out of a deep hole of accumulated insecurities and communication wounds.
We were in an open relationship for the first two years; he'd tried poly before but unsuccessfully (his partners only ever wanted poly for themselves); I had never tried poly myself. When we worked through our issues we became mono for a while, and recently we've been opening up again. He has a really close relationship with a girl in California, but they don't see each other much at all.
So this summer I met this guy B, we hit it off so so so much! Unfortunately, B is in a DADT open relationship with his girlfriend of 2 years, even if he always wanted to be poly himself but never found anyone who could do it.
I got to work immediately. I talked to my boyfriend for many many hours trying to chart how we could make this work, he's on board, I read More than two, worked through some of my issues. Meanwhile, although B and I have become very close for the past 3 months or so since we started seeing each other, I still haven't met his friends of family, and feel totally removed from the rest of his life, fenced off by this glass bubble I can't help but feeling. I only ever saw him at his house or at the park, sometimes with my friends, but never with his. Plus, even if he is very affectionate and attentive in person, when we are not together I don't get many signs of life from him. I wish he'd ping me when he's happy to let me know he's thinking of me when I'm not around, but he explained that as a musician who's been touring for the last 15 years he just got too exhausted by all the tending-to-an-absent-lover and prefers living his relationships in person only. Additionally, even if we are on the exact same wavelength on everything else, when I try to tell him how I feel he gets really defensive, and that upsets me very much since I've been putting so much effort in trying to communicate. I read books about it and listened to podcasts about communications, mapped my thoughts out, tried to understand his perspective and be gentle when talking to him.
I told him that I needed to feel secure in this relationship and that I can't do that if he's fencing me off, all the while not being very good at giving me attention remotely, and that I just can't see how things can evolve. He seems to not understand why I broke it off so soon after only a couple of months. He wanted to see how things go with me before making any big decisions that would unlock a new future for us, like breaking up with his mono girlfriend. He doesn't want to do that only to be the new guy trying to make things work with a girl already coupled up in a long term relationship that is now going super well.
I'm really heartbroken. Was I too rash? Was there any chance this could have worked? Is he a coward? Did I sabotage it? What questions should I ask myself? Thank you so much in advance for your wisdom!
I've been with my boyfriend J for almost five years, and from my 37 yo perspective he's the love of my life. The first year of our relationship was 100% rainbows. Then we had to go through a 1 year LDR without seeing each other at all. He changed a lot while he was away (almost in total isolation) and after that, we had many issues to work through. We have only recently started to climb out of a deep hole of accumulated insecurities and communication wounds.
We were in an open relationship for the first two years; he'd tried poly before but unsuccessfully (his partners only ever wanted poly for themselves); I had never tried poly myself. When we worked through our issues we became mono for a while, and recently we've been opening up again. He has a really close relationship with a girl in California, but they don't see each other much at all.
So this summer I met this guy B, we hit it off so so so much! Unfortunately, B is in a DADT open relationship with his girlfriend of 2 years, even if he always wanted to be poly himself but never found anyone who could do it.
I got to work immediately. I talked to my boyfriend for many many hours trying to chart how we could make this work, he's on board, I read More than two, worked through some of my issues. Meanwhile, although B and I have become very close for the past 3 months or so since we started seeing each other, I still haven't met his friends of family, and feel totally removed from the rest of his life, fenced off by this glass bubble I can't help but feeling. I only ever saw him at his house or at the park, sometimes with my friends, but never with his. Plus, even if he is very affectionate and attentive in person, when we are not together I don't get many signs of life from him. I wish he'd ping me when he's happy to let me know he's thinking of me when I'm not around, but he explained that as a musician who's been touring for the last 15 years he just got too exhausted by all the tending-to-an-absent-lover and prefers living his relationships in person only. Additionally, even if we are on the exact same wavelength on everything else, when I try to tell him how I feel he gets really defensive, and that upsets me very much since I've been putting so much effort in trying to communicate. I read books about it and listened to podcasts about communications, mapped my thoughts out, tried to understand his perspective and be gentle when talking to him.
I told him that I needed to feel secure in this relationship and that I can't do that if he's fencing me off, all the while not being very good at giving me attention remotely, and that I just can't see how things can evolve. He seems to not understand why I broke it off so soon after only a couple of months. He wanted to see how things go with me before making any big decisions that would unlock a new future for us, like breaking up with his mono girlfriend. He doesn't want to do that only to be the new guy trying to make things work with a girl already coupled up in a long term relationship that is now going super well.
I'm really heartbroken. Was I too rash? Was there any chance this could have worked? Is he a coward? Did I sabotage it? What questions should I ask myself? Thank you so much in advance for your wisdom!
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