The other partner wants me for herself

E

Engagedandconfused

New member
Hi guys, new here. I'm losing my mind. I'm getting married in two months and I am in love with two people, my fiancée and other. Openly poly relationship. But my other partner came to the realization that she wants me for her, only. The other partner checks all of my boxes but, no, the okay with poly one. My fiancée, checks like 7, including the poly one. Shit is hitting the fan and I feel like no one around me understands. Help! Anything.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling.

It sounds like you are trying to assess compatibility with each partner.

Do you want to practice poly after marriage? If so, then you already know Other is not a good fit. As disappointing as it is, you have to end it with Other.

How many total boxes are there? If your intended checks off 7 out of 7, then go ahead and marry them. If it's 7 out of 20, don't marry them. Marriage is a long term commitment. You have to be DEEPLY compatible.

Galagirl
 
I'm not sure if I plan to practice it while married. While married to my fiancée, probably. If I married Other, I'm not sure. I feel like poly is a part of me that cannot be ignored but it also doesn't always need attention, if that makes sense.

Pros
Fiancée: caring, loves me, open to learning, loves animals, we have a house together, we have years of memories, passionate, willing to work on herself

Other: motivated, driven, intelligent, challenges me intellectually, I want to constantly touch her (very weird for me), social and homebody, willing to work on herself, loves me, never bored together

Cons
Fiancée: I don't like to be mushy with her or really even touch too much, she doesn't catch my references, she isn't adaptable in various situations, very emotional, often bored together

Other: not okay with me being poly right now, only known her for a brief amount of time, asking me to leave my fiancée
 
What stands out to me is "only known Other for a brief amount of time."

You are likely still deep in NRE. Your hormones are telling you how perfect the new relationship is for you, which is what your brain is designed to do right now. But you and Other aren't compatible on one major axis.

It doesn't matter whether she's a better fit than Fiancee or not. What matters is that your preferred relationship styles aren't compatible. If your poly part can't be ignored, and Other wants you to ignore it, your relationship will not work in the long term.
 
I'm with AutumnLeaves. You may be being distracted by the new and shiny. I also noted that the list of "pros" seem much better with the new person, and the list of "cons" seem less important with the new person (excepting for the poly caveat).

If you decide to dump your fiancé for the new girl, and attempt to go mono, how long do you think the honeymoon will last before your poly nature comes to the fore again? Really THINK about this.
 
Right. I'm in so much fear that my poly nature would come through and at the same time I'm terrified that I might be settling, now that I've been understood so clearly by someone else. I'm so scared that being poly might be me sucking at picking partners. I'm terrified.
 
Making huge decisions while in NRE sucks. What are your feelings about giving yourself more time to decide and postponing the wedding for another year?
 
I'm seeing NRE as well. I can almost guarantee that if you dump the fiance you will regret it. I've been in a very similar situation. Your other is being what is referred to as a "cowgirl". She's trying to wrangle you away from your other partner. She has a sense of urgency about it because you are getting married. The idea seems good to you now because she is so new and wonderful...most likely the same as you felt about the fiance way back when. The problem is that NRE wears off eventually, then you wonder why you agreed to a mono relationship with someone.
 
How long have you known Other? NRE usually lasts 6 mos to 2 years. So a lot of the excitement you feel around Other might be from that. Not a good time to be making life changing choices -- when you are besotted with NRE stuff.

Asking you to make life changing choices like dumping your fiancee while in NRE? I don't think that's loving or kind behavior. Kinda cowgirl-ish.

You could ask if Other is willing to wait til NRE wears or of if she needs an answer now. If she needs an answer NOW and you are not feeling joyful about it? Tell her no. With regrets maybe, but still a no.

I feel like poly is a part of me that cannot be ignored but it also doesn't always need attention, if that makes sense.
Click to expand...

Makes sense to me. I am poly in the sense that I can love more than 1 sweetie at a time. But I don't need to be actively poly dating every moment. We were Open and now have been Closed for years -- waiting out the parenting time/eldercare time. Love might be infinite but my TIME is not and there's a lot of dependents right now needing my time.

What makes it doable is that my spouse "gets" my poly side and I can talk to him about my poly thoughts and feelings at any time. And when we're out of this stage of life we can adjust again.

Does Other expect you to not poly date AND never talk to them about your poly thoughts and feelings? Or is Other willing to share in your mental/emotional inner life and listen to you talk about your poly thoughts and feelings?

What exactly is Other's dating offer to you? So far all I hear is

  • Come be with me only.
  • Dump your fiancee.

If that's it?

You sound like

  • Come be with you only? Um... not sure about that. (<--- Not a joyous yes)
  • Dump my fiancee? Um... not sure about that. (<--- Not a joyous yes)

To me anything less than a "joyous yes" can be called a "working no." That helps me simplify decisions. So if she wants an answer RIGHT NOW, you could say "I'm sorry. I'm not up for that new offer." and decline.

Whether that means you keep dating her in a poly model because things stay the same or she decides to bow out -- that's up to her at that point. Ball is in her court.

Right. I'm in so much fear that my poly nature would come through and at the same time I'm terrified that I might be settling, now that I've been understood so clearly by someone else. I'm so scared that being poly might be me sucking at picking partners. I'm terrified.
Click to expand...

I think you need to do some soul searching. It may be that you do not want long commitments with either one.

If you are bored a lot with your fiancee.... why are you thinking about marrying her? :confused: You do not have to "settle" into marriage with fiancee just because you have long memories and house together. If you are bored together a lot? I would say be friends and see each other once in a while so it is interesting catching up again. But not so much "togetherness" that you get bored.

You also do not have to "settle" into monogamy with Other just because Other is a more exciting dating partner than fiancee right now. If poly is an important part of what you want in your life? And she doesn't want that? Accept that being friends might be best there too.

What is fueling your terror? Are you telling yourself you cannot cope...cannot make this decision...gonna ruin everything... or similar things? Remember you are not your thoughts. You are the person DOING the thinking. Which means you can change your mind. Fuel your "coping-ness" instead. Could think things like...

"This is hard, so I'm going to make a pros/cons list."

"This is challenging, so I'm not going to make huge life changing things right now like marriage. I will postpone the wedding until I am sure."

Stuff like that.

Galagirl
 
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Engagedandconfused said:
Right. I'm in so much fear that my poly nature would come through and at the same time I'm terrified that I might be settling, now that I've been understood so clearly by someone else. I'm so scared that being poly might be me sucking at picking partners. I'm terrified.
Click to expand...

So don't settle now. People get cold feet about marriage without throwing poly in the mix. You don't have to use your new, shiny relationship as an excuse to not marry Fiancee. Jumping out of one relationship ONLY BECAUSE a better one has come along is a very serial-monogamist mindset, and you described yourself as poly, which is a different thing.

It sounds like you need to do some soul-searching about whether you really are ready for marriage and have a serious conversation with Fiancee about your misgivings. If you have time, you should do that AFTER you have had time to think about from a non-NRE non-pressured place.

You're clearly comparing and using that as your jumping-off place, since from the way I read this thread, you were asking whether to break up with Fiancee to be solely with Other. Even excluding the NRE and no-longer-poly issues, I'm not really sure why you need to compare them and phrase it as either/or. They're separate relationships and deserve their separate considerations.

And PS, if Other doesn't want to give you the time you need to think about it, if she pushes the "her or me, I need a decision NOW angle," she isn't acting with YOUR best interests in her heart. I'd think twice about ending one long-term relationship and starting another under that kind of pressure. She's perfectly capable of ending her relationship with you if she's so pained by poly that she can't give you the time you need to work out what is best for you. The main reasons to push for a snap decision are manipulative ones.
 
Jeez, every comment on here is much appreciated. I think everyone is offering integral insights. My fiancee is acting in a very calm, loving, and supportive way. I guess I'm scared to postpone the wedding based on this because I'm nervous it'll create more of a mess with extended family and what not (obviously not good reasons to base decisions off of). I agree, no life changing decision should be made in NRE... I guess I just needed some perspective.

I just got out of therapy and I kind of came to the same conclusion: I need to move as slowly as possible and access the truest me I can. There is something to look at if I feel meh with my fiancée at times and there is something to say that Other is able to understand my mind in a uncommon/important way. I need time, I guess. I feel like my fiancée will be fine with that, but Other will have a harder time. It's so convoluted because Other and I are so synchronistic.. but I need to refrain from gawking over that novelty I guess.

Continue thoughts, please! You all are really the only support I have about this other than my fiancée.
 
I guess I'm scared to postpone the wedding based on this because I'm nervous it'll create more of a mess with extended family and what not (obviously not good reasons to base decisions off of).
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The "Engagement Period" to me ends successfully in one of two ways.

  • The couple spends time talking and assessing if they are DEEPLY compatible. They can take pre-marital classes online, at a church or other house of worship, county extension offices, or similar to help them. They find they ARE deeply compatible. They end the engagement and move on to wedding planning.

The couple spends time talking and assessing if they are DEEPLY compatible. They can take pre-marital classes... They find they ARE NOT deeply compatible. They end the engagement and announce there will be no wedding. They spare themselves the cost and grief of a wedding, marriage, and divorce. Not just financial costs, but emotional and mental costs.
Click to expand...

I need time, I guess. I feel like my fiancée will be fine with that, but Other will have a harder time.
Click to expand...

I just got out of therapy and I kind of came to the same conclusion: I need to move as slowly as possible and access the truest me I can
Click to expand...

Speak your truth then, so you can remain true to your values.

They cannot be mind readers. It is on you to state what you need at this time. If what you need is more time?

Tell fiancee you need more time and want to postpone the wedding. If no date is in mind, don't set another date. Just cancel whatever has been going on, and take premarital classes to make sure you are deeply compatible.

Tell Other you need more time to think and you want to postpone any decisions about changing the current arrangements. If she needs to bow out right now, you understand her choice to break up with you. But you are not prepared to change the "V" model you currently practice without giving it some deep thought.

How each one "handles it" is on them -- every person could do their own emotional management. Each one carries their own bag.

It's not your job to carry everyone's baggage for them so they do not feel discomfort. It IS your job to communicate clearly and honestly. Do your job. Trust that they will do theirs.

They either will or won't and that's something else to consider when you think about compatibility with someone. Whether or not they take personal responsibility for themselves or want others to "carry" them.

Galagirl
 
I'm going to say from knowing myself that if poly is part of you, then you can't ignore that. Because I can say for certain living monogamously has left me feeling broken broken broken, and even though I've been able to come out as poly and have a bf/gf I'm realizing that parts of me are still probably broken from all those years.

Trying to be someone you aren't for the sake of love isn't going to work.

Good Luck!
 
Just a couple more observations, since you asked.

You say it's meh with fiance, but Other totally gets you...

Have you considered trying to rekindle with fiance? I was married for 22 years. Sure we went through periods of being in a rut, but we always managed to steer out of that rut.

Other gets you on some cosmic level...except for being poly, which can be pretty important.

Back when internet access was basically limited to a PC on a phone line, a friend of mine used to joke about how quickly internet love blossomed. She said it was like, "OMG! You like peanut butter? I like peanut butter too! You so get me!"

I'm glad you are taking your time to think this through.
 
Engagedandconfused said:
Hi guys, new here. I'm losing my mind. I'm getting married in two months and I am in love with two people, my fiancée and other. Openly poly relationship. But my other partner came to the realization that she wants me for her, only. The other partner checks all of my boxes but, no, the okay with poly one.
Click to expand...

If you are poly, I don't see how "for her, only" is going to work long term.

My fiancée, checks like 7, including the poly one. Shit is hitting the fan and I feel like no one around me understands. Help! Anything.
Click to expand...

If you feel like no one around you understands, you have to be aware that you don't have to "pick one". You could always wait to feel understood.

Engagedandconfused said:
I'm not sure if I plan to practice it while married. While married to my fiancée, probably. If I married Other, I'm not sure. I feel like poly is a part of me that cannot be ignored but it also doesn't always need attention, if that makes sense.
Click to expand...

Unless you are planning a fixed term marriage or something, you should probably consider that while it doesn't always need attention, it is something you don't feel ready to give up altogether - "cannot be ignored".

Cons
Fiancée: I don't like to be mushy with her or really even touch too much, she doesn't catch my references, she isn't adaptable in various situations, very emotional, often bored together
Click to expand...

Doesn't sound like the relationship excites you.

Other: not okay with me being poly right now, only known her for a brief amount of time, asking me to leave my fiancée
Click to expand...

She got involved with you while you were engaged to someone. You have good NRE. She wants you to herself.

All kinds of alarms ringing in my head about this. Namely:
  • The person she is attracted to (you) is poly, but she is trying to make you something that you are not (mono). If you enjoy the multiple relationships, that has an impact on how you are in each. Not having that will also have an impact on how you are in each. Will you be as attractive? No idea.
  • She is trying to change you into something you are not after entering into a relationship based on where and how you are. This sounds more like willing to work on you than herself.
  • If part of what makes you attractive to her is that you "belong" to someone else, getting you to herself may end that fascination. This is a fairly common phenomenon. Particularly if it manifests in the early stages of a relationship.
  • NRE is usually more dazzling than existing relationships, so the "not bored" and "bored" should be evaluated at a later time.
  • NRE = too early for big decisions

Both of them don't sound like they satisfy you in crucial ways. One bores you, the other doesn't accept you as you are. You talk as though marrying one or the other is inevitable. You should probably reassess that.

If you want both - your reality, you could also choose to be true to yourself refuse to choose and let the person with the problem with poly figure out what needs to be done and accept it as the consequences of being true to yourself.
 
Hi Engagedandconfused,

It sounds to me like if you want to marry/continue seeing Other, you will have to stop being poly, forever. Am I hearing that right? or would Other eventually accept you as poly? Sounds like a risky proposition at best. I also think you need more time to decide whether you really want to marry Fiancée ... but that's me.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Dude don't get married lightly.

Especially if you aren't sure if your "poly nature" won't come through or not. That's a powerful thing.

If you don't know your own nature yet or feelings or needs,

Don't say "I do."

Give yourself time, let things go as they may.
 
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