The pace of the one who is struggling most

I'm not sure if you've read it yet, but that does kind of sound like it might be a case where the 5 Love Languages book could come in handy to start some discussion. He can let you know what you DO do that makes him feel loved, you can try to do more of that, and vice versa.
 
Anneintherain said:
I'm not sure if you have read it yet, but that does kind of sound like it might be a case where the 5 Love Languages book could come in handy to start some discussion.
Click to expand...

I have just placed a library hold on it. Thanks! I came across Sternberg's "triangular theory of love" today and was planning to discuss that with my husband tonight. Those three parts are intimacy (emotional), passion, and commitment. Commitment is all I feel from him sometimes, although we have at other times had all three. I've noticed I feel satisfied with only passion and intimacy coming from Colin, because I have all the commitment I can handle already. Luke has always been all three for me. And for all the heartache and confusion, I feel so, so lucky to have these three loving me the ways that they do.
 
Definitely sounds like the both of you needing to go through the 5 Love Languages book together. I know it made a HUGE difference in my marriage almost immediately. RP also had some very good suggestions, especially about learning about "non-violent communication" (I know from experience as I'm the worst offender in this area).
 
Just wanted to share this happy update to my saga. I took Anneintherain's excellent advice and got the 5 Love Languages book, which my husband and I both read. We had some huge "aha" moments. We also had one good counselling session. Now we understand each other much, much better, and are both getting far better at loving each other, and enjoying loving each other. It's quite a shift.

We also reopened our marriage, somewhat. My husband decided he could tolerate my involvement with Colin (everything but PIV and oral) and still allow him in my life, as long as he personally isn't expected to interact with him.

Last weekend, Colin and I were both signed up for a dance camp in the town where he has an apartment. My husband listened to my offer to stay in a hotel, or with other friends, or to use the apartment while Colin stayed elsewhere, but when I expressed what was pretty much my fantasy, which was to spend the nights there with Colin, he said he was ok with that, as long as sex was not included. So I did. I had a long weekend with Colin, spending much of our days at a camp where we only interacted as friends in a crowd, but eating our meals at his place (except one lovely picnic lunch in a park) and spending nights in his bed. Total bliss!

In the days since I've been home, I've felt such an enormous rush of love for my husband for letting this come to be. And I feel sooooooo sexy. And happy, happy, happy. My husband is enjoying it. Above all, I feel like I am finally complete. All the parts of my life have just clicked into place. No more wistful longing for something I can't have. (Of course I miss Colin since he is usually far away, but that's a sweet kind of longing because I know he'll be back eventually.)

I've been thinking recently about my single years, when I once calculated that more than half of my time in relationships had been long distance, and I used to joke that I must be more lovable from a distance. I think it's really that I like writing and anticipating and the joy of reuniting, but that alone is not fulfilling. Now I have a long-distance boyfriend and a husband, and that feels absolutely perfect.

So for the record, here is one mono/poly couple who have achieved a happy state.
 
AC, I am amazed and glad you and your husband have achieved this new level of trust and understanding.

Not to be too prurient, but you say "sex" (coitus) and oral sex with Colin isn't allowed. But you were allowed to sleep naked together, and do all the kissing, breast play, licking/nibbling (other than the genitalia) and massaging, and mutual masturbation to orgasm you might wish? I mean, I hope so. Otherwise it sounds like an exercise in frustration to me.
 
Magdlyn said:
But you were allowed to sleep naked together, and do all the kissing, breast play, licking/nibbling (other than the genitalia) and massaging, and mutual masturbation to orgasm you might wish? I hope so.
Click to expand...

Yes, all that good stuff. For me, that is plenty satisfying. For Colin, it was enjoyable, but he never did get to an orgasm, which was a little frustrating, but he seemed not to mind. I just have to learn some new tricks, I guess!
 
AnotherConfused said:
Yes, all that good stuff. For me, that is plenty satisfying. For C, it was enjoyable but he never did get to an orgasm, which was a little frustrating but he seemed not to mind. I just have to learn some new tricks, I guess!
Click to expand...

Oh cool. Fun!

Yeah, sometimes there is a learning curve... trust, comfort and just the right kind of strokin! You go, girl.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top