The Polly Roller Coaster

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PollyPocket

New member
Hi all. I am new to the "Polly" lifestyle and to this forum. Thank you for letting me chime in.

Our adventure started about 6 months ago, when a friend introduced a woman to us while we were at a pub. She and I hit it off famously, and soon we were going for runs and bike rides, lunches and walks together. She, "C," was experienced at differing forms of relationships and had been with both men and women and a combination before.

I have never been with women. I have been married to the same guy, with no affairs, for 23 years.

One day, our discussion progressed to the 'what-ifs.' What if we were to try a threesome? She said no, she would never want to jeopardize our friendship. At this point, it was about 3 months old.

She had a dinner party one night with 20 guests. My husband and I stayed later and helped clean up. As we moved into the kitchen for a threesome group hug, she turned to me and kissed me. It was perhaps the hottest most sensual kiss I had ever felt (or at least could remember, back to my early 20s). She moved to the other room and I followed her, and she kissed me again. All three of us began shagging on the couch, and then moved up to the bedroom for an unbelievable sexual experience that I will never forget. She was so into me, it was crazy.

We continued crazy sex for the next few weeks. Seemingly she was still very into me. My hubby felt a bit left out, so he asked her out for coffee and told her about his feelings of being left out. That seemed to trip something and then she started to pay more attention to him-- more and more and more, and now they are 'officially in love.'

Me? Well, I am 'in love/lust' with her, but she says that she can never love a woman like she loves a man. She loves me as a best friend. I am trying to wrap my head around that and be cool with their displays of intimacy that I would dearly love. Our 'sexual relationship' has been going on just over 2 months, and there have been soooo many ultra awesome times-- happy happy times-- but the downs have been there, too. My feelings of rejection, and coming to terms with accepting their love.

They have both reassured me repeatedly that their relationship is just for fun, that it is NOT going anywhere. He is not going to run off, and that he loves me to death... more than ever.

It came to a near death yesterday when I just didn't handle things well, and my hubby decided he would take the bull by the horns and break it off. So he did. They met and broke up. Then she came to our house to see me and return some things and said that we couldn't be friends either. I died a bit inside. I began trying to see if I could fix things. Maybe with enough open communication we could work it out.

My hubby got home from work, and the 3 of us talked and talked and got everything out in the open. My feelings of rejection, our various forms of love, their need for more intimacy.

Right now, we are in chill mode. All of our worlds were rocked yesterday. I feel like I am being held hostage by a friendship that I can't bear to lose. Does anyone have any words of wisdom to offer? I am all ears...
 
There are a lot of people who have experienced this similar thing. It seems very common that a unicorn exists for a short time when the passion is high, the NRE is going on... and then a change occurs, and either the unicorn ends up favouring one over the other, or wants another partner of her own, or moves on entirely.

It is hard, I'm sure. It is possible to sustain this type of relationship if there is a mass of open honest communication and a lot of processing. If that feeling you have doesn't go away for either of you, then maybe you should approach her again and see if she wants to negotiate some boundaries now that the NRE of your relationship is over and a "settling into it" is starting to occur. Relationships change and grow; it's a matter of whether or not you want to change and grow with them, and can stomach the jealousy and other discomforts, to allow that change to become something that works for you all.

Take a look on this forum by doing a search for "unicorn" and "new relationship energy," or for similar threads. There is a lot of support to be gained just by reading similar stories sometimes, and perhaps that will help. You are not alone...
 
Hi

I'm interested in your description of being "held hostage" because of a friendship you can't live without. It's interesting because that is how monos often feel when their partner comes out as poly-- held hostage because of their love for their partner, or their desire to keep their relationship intact.

To make poly work, you have to get past that feeling, and see yourself as doing something because of deep love for another person, or in your case for two people.

I can see how it would be impossible for her to go back to being your "friend." It's hard, but you say you're in love with her, so you only have two choices. Love her enough to let her go, or love her enough to share your husband with her.

The second option is possible, I'm sure, but you, your husband and C need to learn about polyamory and realize that coming to terms with it can be a painful process. You will all need to support each other.

It's taken me two years to come to terms with my partner's long distance SO. Now we are looking at adding a unicorn to our relationship, in much the way you have, except she was not my friend to begin with. I'm sure I'll have a whole new learning curve to explore. Good luck with yours. Don't be afraid to post here and ask questions. It has been a great source of support for me.
 
Thank you both for your insights. Sage, you offer some 'sage advice' in the loving her enough to let her go idea.

I have toyed around with the notions of love a lot, trying to figure out if those 'strong attachments' that I was feeling were me being in love, in lust, love, or the newness, or whatever. I guess that is what everyone here refers to as NRE, when you can't really put a word on it.

When this all started, I remember thinking and citing, 'the more freedom you give, the more you get,' and believing that. The same can be said of love, I suppose. It was such a different spin when she was the one into me, and my hubby felt left out. Now, that the wheels have turned and she is more into him, I find myself booking counseling appointments and reading up on jealousy and rejection. Basically trying to force this relationship to work by dealing! My logical side is fine with it all, but the gut feeling comes in waves and is so strong.

She has told me that she loves me, but it is a different love than she feels for him. She also said that she does lust for me too. I 'think' that I can live with those two things, but I am not entirely sure.

Who knew that something so cosmic would turn into this?

Any more advice, tips, tricks are GREATLY appreciated. Thank you.
 
If you walk right up to your feelings and really take the time to explore every part of them, then you can walk right through them eventually; changed yet better. There doesn't seem to be any trick other than that, if you read how others have gone through it. Its all very personal. Everyone's journey is different. The commonality is that it's a lot of hard work to commit to.
 
Yes "tips and tricks" doesn't quite cut it. I look at it as "hard but healthy work"
You can look at my first big jealousy crisis on my blog.
http://polyamorouspeople.typepad.co...y-journeying-from-jealousy-to-compersion.html

Do a search here for jealousy; it's a big topic.

Redpepper is right, in a nutshell, but that might be a bit hard for someone new to understand, because the kind of jealousy you feel in polyamory is like nothing I've ever experienced. I would never have seen myself as a jealous person before my relationship with a poly partner.

You did give a clue when you said that watching their intimacy really hurt and you would have loved some of it. You are looking to C for this intimacy, when you could be looking to your husband. I know that must be difficult with all the NRE floating around, but the primary relationship has to be really strong to manage another relationship successfully. Maybe you and your husband need to look at your intimacy.
 
sage said:
Do a search here for jealousy, it's a big topic. Redpepper is right, in a nutshell, but that might be a bit hard for someone new to understand, because the kind of jealousy you feel in polyamory is like nothing I've ever experienced. I would never have seen myself as a jealous person before my relationship with a poly partner.
Click to expand...

Is this true? I am curious about this statement. For me, any jealousy has always been rooted in some fear or insecurity. I would love to hear why you think there is a difference in the two between mono jealousy and poly jealousy. Might be a topic for a new thread, if you are interested in elaborating. :)
 
To me, fear and insecurity around poly is usually rooted in needs not being met, or not being caught up on oneself or one's partners, and where they are at with their realizations and needs.

I agree with Ari... Interesting!
 
Wow, great feedback. Thank you.

I think that I may have not been framing things right lately. I 'know' that I am included in all this, yet the reptile brain kept pushing through, and still does, although I am trying to put the kibosh on it.

Sometimes it feels like all the weight is on my shoulders, and I need to breathe and let go of some of that weight. Pretty logical, right? It is such a strange mix of feelings-- wanting it to all work, yet not really being okay with it at the same time. I want to be okay with it, but at times, I am not. I am working hard, though, so the payoff has got to come!

Thanks again for all your help.
 
Been there done that. Almost the same thing. Definitely a rollercoaster ride, and I hate rollercoasters. But I love our relationship. ;)
 
TL, explain more, if you can, please. The details bring me comfort! :)
 
Wow, TL, you really rode a lot of ups and downs! I don't know if I am up for that! The ups are soooo incredible, but the downs just suck days out of your life! Days!!!

Another strange thing is that I am such a softie (usually), and tears have been flowing all around me, and I have none to offer up. None. That is so strange for me! I thought that my guards were pretty far removed, but maybe the problem is that they are up again, and consequently, I am not being me! Who knows?!

TL, is your relationship still strong with the four-some?
 
Yes Polly. We all have a pretty strong relationship with each other. We recently went through a tough spot that would have broken apart a lesser quad, but thankfully, S & D have seen through my issues, and we are all still on the same page... kinda.

S & D refuse to accept being "polyamorous. They claim to be "swingers," and S won't have anything to do with "that polygamy crap." :rolleyes: D seems to be onboard with being poly, but it's a slow hard road that I am on. So we call it friends with benefits. The NRE is fantastic, but it has a tendency to drain not just days, but months, out of you when you crash.

I am not a person who cries. However, I have almost cried a few times in the last two weeks due to this relationship. Is it worth it? Yes. I would say it is. The last time L and I were over at S&D's house, I told them all that if any of us had a problem, we needed to bring it to the attention of the other couple right away. With little regard for embarrassment or anything else, we need to do this right away, because if we don't, we spend days apart, just miserable.

As a plus, on Monday, I start my new job, working with S at his job. This should help us to become even closer. Add to this the fact that we are moving closer to S&D within the next month and a half, and I will get to witness D and L getting closer as well. I'm really hoping this pulls us all even closer.

Ideally, when all the kids are out of our respective houses, I would like for L and me to move in with S&D, or vice versa. But that's at least 5 years in the future.
 
Is this true? I am curious about this statement. For me any jealousy has always been rooted in some fear or insecurity. I would love to hear why you think there is a difference in the two between mono jealousy and poly jealousy? (Ariakis)

There's probably not enough stuff for a new thread, but I'd be happy for someone else to make that decision. I made the statement that jealousy in a polyamorous relationship is like nothing I have ever felt before.

While I agree it has its foundations in insecurity, fear and envy, the reason it is different goes something like this: in a poly relationship, we are dealing with issues that don't generally come up in healthy relationships, e.g., our partners sleeping with and spending time with others in an intimate and romantic way. So yes, it is still insecurity, fear and envy, but it is supercharged, because the emotional investment is so high. And it's not a one-off thing, like an affair, or a relationship breakdown. It is ongoing. It is not going to stop because of our feelings. It is not someone else's mistake.

Also the feelings are raw and right in your face. If this kind of thing happens in a mono relationship, we are justified in being angry. Our friends and family can be angry for us. There is a lot of empathy for us. This and the yahoo group are the only places I share my feelings on this subject, apart from with my partner. My daughter said, "You opened the door for this. You have to live with it or leave."

Right or wrong, I've come from a background where women shared their feelings about their relationships and supported each other. I really miss that.
 
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Sage, just from my very neophyte beginnings, I can say that I have never felt jealousy before like I have lately. The only thing that has changed is that we are new to poly, so I have to draw the same conclusion.

The highs are so high, and the lows are so low and all encompassing. What's worse than that is that someone else is seeing those lows, seeing you be that low and vulnerable, up close and personal. For me, that has been the biggest adjustment. It was one thing for my husband to know my vulnerabilities so intimately, but now, someone else knows them too. Blech!

Thankfully, the ups seem to counteract the lows, for now... although there have been three lows in the span of a two-week period, so maybe they are catching up.

Tonight we all enjoyed a nice walk, some hanging time, some good laughs. It was nice and shall be savoured... at least for a day or so!
 
So today, I woke up pretty happy, and started to work in my home office. My hubby was in his office and had begun a Skype chat with "C". As I watched my Skype window stay dormant, I could feel the monster well from the depths. I sat and took some deep breaths. Seriously, wtf?

I have consented to this affair that started out with C so into me. Even now, she calls, texts and Skypes with me multiple times per day. I am receiving attention! Truly! But the monster still growled and I had to try hard to push it back down to the depths. The anxiety stayed with me for most of the morning, until I finally decided to call the hubby at work.

My first inclination was to try to tell him how he could fix it! I said, "Um, yeah, is there any way that you could just slow down a bit?" He responded, "What is going on? I was the one that broke it off 4 days ago, but you said that you would find a way to deal. So now it is back on. What are you putting us through the ringer for?"

Yikes. I had watched a YouTube video about "Non-Violent Communication" earlier in the day, so here I went, "Well, I observe you Skyping and chatting and texting, and it makes me feel very insecure/jealous/rejected." So we talked about that for awhile and the anxiety seemed to dissipate out of my chest. He reassured me that he wasn't going to run off, and that it was probably just NRE. I told him that logically I knew all this stuff, but the anxiety was really hard to get a handle on.

By the end of it, we were glad that we had talked, but agreed that we were going to ignore this conversation! :confused:

This whole thing is so complicated and confusing... Please, will someone tell me that it actually can be done? Flip!
 
LOL

Sorry to laugh at your situation. I'm laughing because my wife and I had the "slow down" talk recently, and it is definitely just NRE.

Your hubby is excited because he is receiving attention from another woman. (I was/am there also.) It is such a high that I can only compare it to cocaine. It is such a high that a person will do almost anything to keep it going on. The fleeting glance... the secret wink... a little kiss blown to you. It's captivating.

My wife was such a trooper, because she was in your shoes just a little over a week ago. She told me to slow down. I did for a day. Then kicked it into overdrive. I got in trouble quick. I never crossed any physical lines, as in touching or sneaking off somewhere, or anything. But I thought I was in love all over again. My wife stood by and allowed me to handle my NRE the only way I knew how, with the other woman. D (the other woman) and I met in public, and talked about it. We agreed that it was best to slow down, and at least try to not act out. We also agreed that it was simply NRE, and not "love" yet. In fact, we both agreed that we would likely never "love" each other the way we loved our spouses. And since neither of us are leaving our spouses, we would have to continue to be FWBs. It works for everyone involved, for now.

Now, I will say, in hindsight, the best way would have been to sit down and talk with everyone involved. You, your hubby, and C need to discuss your relationship dynamic, your concerns, and how thingsshould progress. I'm pretty sure that C does not want to make you mad, sad, or anything negative. And I'm 99% positive that your husband doesn't either. In fact, I would venture to say that no-one in your relationship dynamic wants to make anyone else in it anything other than happy. So sit down and have a nice chat. Get everyone on the same page. Then have a nice little make-out session. :D
 
I suggest you read the "Poly vignettes: sharing success and happiness" thread. It's meant to make us all believe we can do it. Yes, we can.
 
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