The scariest and safest thing I've done

ClosetPoly said:
I'm just finding it hard to think of things I don't desperately want to share with her. Everything we do, we have done together, which I think makes this extra hard to deal with.
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Do you have any friends that aren't both of your friends? When my marriage hit its low last year, I realized (as we were fixing things) that I didn't really have any friends that weren't "his" friends also. This made things worse for me, because no matter how bad things got, I didn't feel like I could share some of the real bad stuff, for fear of how it would affect his relationship with them. I had spent 19 years creating my life around his activities and we had a lot of "joint" friends. No matter how understanding they claimed to be, they were still joint friends. It wasn't that I really wanted to share all the gory details, just I didn't feel safe because I didn't want to air our dirty laundry, even by accident, or appearing too sad, to our friends. I discovered I had done myself a disservice by not maintaining or nurturing at least a few separate friendships. I had isolated myself.
 
I had good help today from a friend, and Vanilla's sister. That helped, but today has been very long and tiring. Vanilla has been gone since 10-11 this morning, and I'll go to pick her up at Jake's place in a few minutes. It might have been a bit much, with 12 hours. It feels painful and bad, But still, I am SO looking forward to seeing her again, kissing her forehead and just holding her. I know she is calm and peaceful at his place, and it helps to know she's happy. This has definitely made me appreciate her more. That's at least something for the plus side.
 
ClosetPoly said:
I had good help today from a friend, and Vanilla's sister. That helped, but today has been very long and tiring. She has been gone since 10-11 this morning, I'll go to pick her up at Jake's place in a few minutes. Might have been a bit much with 12 hours, feels painful and bad, but still, I am SO looking forward to seeing her again, kissing her forehead and just hold her. I know she is calm and peaceful at his place, and it helps to know she's happy. This has definitely made me appreciate her more, that's at least something for the plus-side...
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That was Wednesday, and it went great, really great. She was so happy to see me. I felt so important and loved. We cuddled a bit, and then drove home, where we continued cuddling and talked a lot. Her NRE really spilled over on me. It felt fantastic. Some of that positivity lasted til Thursday, when we talked about the progress.

Then we tried again on Friday. She was gone from five-ish til I picked her up at midnight. Sadly, she had managed to mute her phone, so the usual arrangement of my text-warning of proximity and my last text to say I was outside failed. I tried to call; she didn't pick up, and my mind started racing. Interestingly though, it didn't jump to sex. It went with "they've fallen asleep on the sofa" instead. Go figure. Finally I rang the doorbell, and she came out, hurriedly.

I got pretty stressed from the situation, she got *very* stressed, and no NRE was brought home, just a bunch of worries and what-ifs. But hey, we're still alive. Not a complete waste of a day, because something "scary" happened. I couldn't get hold of her, and still I didn't freak out, although I probably oozed nervousness when she came out. :(

What I seem to have the biggest problem with now is the sharing, in the sense that every step they take together now, particularly erotically, are steps I remember us taking very well, 13 years ago, and they mean so much to me it's hard work to NOT get hurt and diminish my own value for them.

Can anyone recommend any books or "tools" to help me establish a certain security in myself? I really really want to get this to work, I *need* to get this to work, and I need to eventually get this to work in a group setting. I know we're just a month into this, but how do I get rid of that nagging neanderthal pain of "Dude, what's he doing with your girl??" if ever? I try to replace it with my pure love for my partner, but it still hurts when it happens.

Am I just being insecure, or might there be other powers at play?
 
ClosetPoly said:
Can anyone recommend any books or "tools" to help me establish a certain security in myself? I really really want to get this to work, I *need* to get this to work, and I need to eventually get this to work in a group setting. I know we're just a month into this, but how do I get rid of that nagging neanderthal pain of "Dude, what's he doing with your girl??" if ever?
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Actually, Neanderthals/hunter-gatherers were not patriarchal, and they shared partners. Present day hunter-gatherers still practice this. "Ownership" of one's wife began with patriarchal culture rather recently in human history, with the advent of agriculture and the ensuing economic dependency of women.

I try to replace it with my pure love for my partner, but it still hurts when it happens.
Am I just being insecure, or might there be other powers at play?
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You're jealous. Do a tag search on jealousy here to read many other peoples' experiences on how to deal.

Speaking of Neanderthals and books, I highly recommend a new and very popular book called Sex at Dawn, about humanity's long history of non-monogamy. We've got a thread on it here if you want to read some reviews before reading it. The other book most people new to poly get insight from is called Opening Up.
 
Magdlyn said:
You're jealous. Do a tag search on jealousy here to read many other peoples' experiences on how to deal.

Speaking of Neanderthals and books, I highly recommend a new and very popular book called Sex at Dawn, about humanity's long history of non-monogamy. We've got a thread on it here if you want to hear some reviews before reading it. The other book most people new to poly get insight from is called Opening Up.
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<rant-warning>
I have Opening Up on my Kindle, and I have sadly only gotten to read the jealousy-chapter, but I will read the whole thing.

I did some self-cognitive therapy today, and I will share it, understanding the risk it can have for me. I created a simple scenario, including most elements that trigger discomfort in me, like where my partner is massaged by her boyfriend, rolling over, having her breasts massaged with oil, nipples kissed, her moaning with pleasure, arching her back, then them staring deeply at each other, saying "I love you so much....". I wrote this longhand, so it sticks properly. Immediately I got a tension in my body, so I seized it, grabbed it and pulled it out. Fear? Kinda, but not quite. Fear of her leaving me? Not over this scenario. Envy? Partly. After letting my hand go free and just write, I immediately actually started crying when I wrote the word "unique", so I was on to something.

Vanilla is my world, literally. I didn't know how ridiculously attached to her I was before this started happening, nor did she. How important every touch, every kiss, every caress actually was to me. For every step they take in their relationship, every touch, every next move, touching of "new" areas and so on, I feel my own uniqueness fading. I realised just today that I have tied up all of my being, all of myself in my partner, and that uniqueness has defined my self-worth. And for every loving caress they exchange, I fight not to lose my self-worth, yet I feel a little bit slips away every now and then. And therein lies my biggest job ahead.

1. Learn that my uniqueness STILL IS unique, because she's not doing it again with another me. It doesn't replace me. I do that myself.

2. Learn that my self worth is NOT tied up to the steps we have done, but if anything, what we have become, what we are today. That we have such an amazing relationship where she trusts me enough to let herself feel this for someone else.

But I am also actually green with envy of the stage they're at, the first touches, caressing body parts, exploring, enjoying the thrill. There is *definitely* a big part of envy in what I feel.
 
ClosetPoly said:
2. Learn that my self worth is NOT tied up to the steps we have done, but if anything, what we have become, what we are today. That we have such an amazing relationship where she trusts me enough to let herself feel this for someone else.
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Your SELF worth, should be tied to your SELF, not anything you've done or created with her.
 
TruckerPete said:
Your SELF worth, should be tied to your SELF, not anything you've done or created with her.
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I have become painfully aware of that lately, and I understand I have a lot of work to do.

I am on SO many arenas in my life right now, it's borderline insane. I am forced to dig deep in my own and old issues, discovering things almost every day. The last weeks have seemed like months, and every day is like a week, so much is being processed and churned on. Thanks for the guidance, TP. :)
 
It's amazing how much this stuff makes you see how much work there is to do, isn't it? No biggie. It sounds like you are getting on it and will be an even more amazing "unique" person for it. :)

Keep at it, you're doing fine. I love the idea of the scenario. I do that too. It makes me face fear and then fear diminishes over time. I look back on before and realize that it was all the fear and nothing to do with the scenario. Sometimes I forget what exactly I was afraid of!
 
I don't like to dredge up old posts, but a friend of mine showed me this forum today and I was clicking around randomly and came to this post. After reading this part...

And every time my fantastic partner and her amazing boyfriend say, "Thank you for giving us this," it'll be true and real, and I can take it to heart.
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I actually broke into tears. I registered just to point that out and thank you for this story. I really truly hope things are going well for you and your family, and the love you've helped flourish comes back on you tenfold.
 
Walker said:
I don't like to dredge up old posts, but a friend of mine showed me this forum today and I was clicking around randomly and came to this post. After reading this part,
I actually broke into tears. I registered just to point that out and thank you for this story. I really truly hope things are going well for you and your family, and the love you've helped flourish comes back on you tenfold.
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Hi! Thank you very much for your kind words. I had to read through this thread myself, and it's like a distant past for me now, it's almost scary. We are three months in. Today is actually their three-month anniversary, and reality keeps changing. I have had some highlights and a few breakdowns, but all in all, I think it's going pretty well.

They are right now on a weekend-getaway in Copenhagen, Friday-Sunday, and I'm actually okay with it. I feared I would have a complete breakdown, but no, I am actually happy for them. I have filled my day with a yoga course and meeting friends. All in all, a good day, and another planned for tomorrow before I pick them up at the airport. I know she's being loved and taken care of, and kept safe.

I have probably never written this on the forum before, but here goes: I want this to work. I want us to be three in this relationship. :)
 
TruckerPete said:
Oh, it's so good to hear you're doing well! *HUGS*
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Thanks, TP! *Hugs* It has its... no, *I* have my ups and downs, which affects the relationship(s), but I feel I am definitely on the right path now, having allowed myself to feel and deal with the real fear and insecurity, ignoring the fake feel-sorry-for-myself parts, and just dealing, learning, living, growing... It's such a huge huge HUGE change after a 13 year-long mono relationship. It's definitely not for everyone.
 
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