The second

Saradeb

New member
I’m in a relationship with the husband of an open married couple. This was supposed to be casual sex but we fell in love. His wife knows. I love her and their children. I attend all family events and church with them, I am just known as the family’s best friend. He normally makes me feel more loved and desired than I’ve ever felt but the kids busy schedule and life we haven’t had much alone time and I am definitely feeling like #2. This is my first relationship like this and I was very reluctant as all I’ve ever been treated like was #2 to something. How do you get past this. We are considering telling the kids and family about our relationship and moving forward but I’m very anxious as I come from years of emotional abuse.
 
welcome to the group.

ive done alot of reading and self-reflection but im not in a poly relationship currently.

poly can bring out struggles that are normally obscured in monogamous relationships. some people will take those struggles as a reason to not poly, but i encourage people to work on those issues.

theres other far more knowledgeable peeps out here that will be along to comment
 
welcome to the group.

ive done alot of reading and self-reflection but im not in a poly relationship currently.

poly can bring out struggles that are normally obscured in monogamous relationships. some people will take those struggles as a reason to not poly, but i encourage people to work on those issues.

theres other far more knowledgeable peeps out here that will be along to comment
Thank you. I appreciate your time. I love some much of what I’m feeling and not afraid of anything. I don’t want to be kept a secret, which I currently am. And I don’t want to feel like I’m second. Those are my only concerns. We have set aside next weekend, the kids are going the the grandparents, and are spending our first weekend as 3. We have a lot of things to discuss and feel.
 
I’m in a relationship with the husband of an open married couple. This was supposed to be casual sex but we fell in love. His wife knows.
This alone is a great success! Often married couples who open for casual sex get all freaked out if and when feelings arise (as they often do, as sex and feelings go together like peanut butter and jelly)!
I love her and their children. I attend all family events and church with them, I am just known as the family’s best friend. He normally makes me feel more loved and desired than I’ve ever felt but the kids busy schedule and life we haven’t had much alone time and I am definitely feeling like #2. This is my first relationship like this and I was very reluctant as all I’ve ever been treated like was #2 to something. How do you get past this. We are considering telling the kids and family about our relationship and moving forward but I’m very anxious as I come from years of emotional abuse.
It sounds like the couple is not open about being polyamorous to most of their friends and family. Generally polyamory is frowned upon by all but the most liberal Christian churches, so they may have their reasons.

I would suggest having a frank discussion with your bf about him coming out. (Then he can discuss it with his wife, unless you and she are close enough to discuss this on your own.) You need to understand his reasons for being in the closet. You can't force someone to come out. That has to go at their pace, within their comfort zone. Also, telling young kids who often have no filters would mean this would get around at their schools, etc.

Are you out about being in a poly relationship with a married man to all your friends, family, coworkers? If you are, how did that go? Any repercussions?

If you've grown up feeling like #2, why did you set yourself up as a secondary in a poly relationship? Would you rather have a mono bf?
 
Hello Saradeb,

The thing is, even if you were a secondary partner (and you shouldn't be, he/they shouldn't be treating you like this), you still have rights. Click on https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html#bor

I think they should come out of the closet, and tell the kids and family about your relationship with them. You should not be kept like a dirty little secret, you deserve to be someone they are proud of.

It's good that you are finally spending your first weekend as three. Take the opportunity to have a long and heartfelt discussion with them. Keep us posted on how that turns out! Good luck and hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This alone is a great success! Often married couples who open for casual sex get all freaked out if and when feelings arise (as they often do, as sex and feelings go together like peanut butter and jelly)!

It sounds like the couple is not open about being polyamorous to most of their friends and family. Generally polyamory is frowned upon by all but the most liberal Christian churches, so they may have their reasons.

I would suggest having a frank discussion with your bf about him coming out. (Then he can discuss it with his wife, unless you and she are close enough to discuss this on your own.) You need to understand his reasons for being in the closet. You can't force someone to come out. That has to go at their pace, within their comfort zone. Also, telling young kids who often have no filters would mean this would get around at their schools, etc.

Are you out about being in a poly relationship with a married man to all your friends, family, coworkers? If you are, how did that go? Any repercussions?

If you've grown up feeling like #2, why did you set yourself up as a secondary in a poly relationship? Would you rather have a mono bf?
His wife and I are actually best friends now, at times I see her more than him. After a discussion about my feelings earlier this week, they commented that they my be open to more than what they originally thought as we have blessed each other’s lives so much. We will discuss this more next weekend.
I entered this relationship as a FWB relationship. I am a travel nurse in a very rural area. I’m very sexual and selective so finding a partner is not easy. We met and quickly became friends, having many things in common. His wife agreed to become my private yoga instructor and we also became quick friends. I fell in love with their children and make sure they get time alone by keeping them. And here we are all in love. May has been challenging because it’s the end of school with all those activities plus Boy Scout activities that we haven’t had our weekly time. We’ve seen each other, as I attend all the kids events, but not our private time. I know this is over but it has taken a toll.
 
Back
Top