the story of a secondary

Hey, all. I haven't been posting much here because 1) I got burned out on the site, 2) I've been trying to spend less time over-analyzing things, and 3) I've been trying to spend less time online.

Brief updates:

- Davis and I are good friends who have good sex. We argue over stupid things sometimes. We look out for each other. There's a lot of my life that I feel like I can't share with him, because he doesn't want to hear about my love/sex life with other people, or my kink activities.

- I went to the big yearly camping event that we always go to with Gia, Eric, and Bee. Gia said that it meant a lot to her to have me camping with them (I'd almost decided to skip it this year, for a number of reasons, and she talked me into it) because it was really nice to have me as part of their "family unit" for a little while. A year ago, her using the word "family" in relation to me would have been seriously impacting. Instead I felt calm about it. Happy, but also a little distant. Because I've given up on the idea of having the sort of family that I once envisioned with them. But that's not a bad thing... just a realistic thing.

I went through a brief period of feeling like Gia didn't love me. Then I thought maybe I was feeling that way because *I* was actually falling out of love with *her*. Then I thought that maybe instead it was because my primary love language is touch, and there's so much less touch than I'd like between us. Then I thought that maybe everything was actually fine, and that feeling less desperately and achingly drawn to her was a good thing and not a problem. It's been years now of me wanting more than she's had to give... something's gotta give eventually.

We have a date coming up on Saturday. I think that it'll be revealing.

- Clay and I continue to deepen our relationship. I finally reached a breaking point and had to admit something to him the other day. I did it via a very long email. I told him that I'd faked orgasms during sex with him. It's something I've done with almost all of my partners throughout the course of my life, either occasionally or consistently. It had nothing to do with my level of satisfaction with him, it was just a bad habit. I wanted to stop doing it, but I had to tell him first in order to change things. He was disappointed, hurt, but not angry. He told me that he accepted my apology, and that he wanted to see me. I brought him flowers and chocolate and beer. We did our thing and had a lovely evening and morning together. We're going to be ok. I feel, in a way, like our relationship is stronger now that we've each seen the other fuck up, and accepted it, and forgiven it, and moved on. Like maybe we're fully human to each other now.

Very occasionally I'm struck with an unreasoning fear that he'll fall out of love with me without warning. It's not unprecedented (my ex, Ziggy, fell abruptly out of love with me... at least, it felt abrupt). I would miss him so very, very, very much if that happened. I have no reason whatsoever to think that it will. But ugh, so scary.
 
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Oooh! Both really good things to hear :) I can imagine the first would be such a relief. I'm currently waiting to see what if any fallout there is from something I triggered at work... this shit can be so nerve-wracking. Glad things turned out so well for you

Thanks for this, by the way. I hope things worked out well with your job?
 
Three months exactly since I last posted on this blog. I started a post once or twice during that time, but then stopped. I just got so burned out on this website. The endless parade of people coming in with the same dysfunctional stories and hurting each other over and over. And then the folks who just seemed to want to mock them rather than add anything useful to the discussions. BLEH. That, and I was doing a LOT of posting on tumblr, which took the place of some of what this site used to do for me.

Anyway, what's been going on with me? Nothing earthshaking.

Gia and I had some long, tense email conversations in the early fall in which I explained how my needs weren't being met and she explained how she wants to meet them but has struggled to do so. I appreciated all the effort she was putting into the communication, but there were times when I still felt just about ready to walk away. She committed to once-per-month dates, and that made a big difference for me.

She mentioned that she and Eric were considering hooking up with their friend Cass. She and I hadn't had sex in four months at that point. I told her that, with how I was feeling, I would really rather she hold off on getting with Cass until she and I had hooked up again. I felt bad asking, because I don't want to try to control things that don't affect me as a way of catering to my insecurities, but I just had the strong sense that I would be too jealous to handle it. She told me in no uncertain terms that she couldn't agree to that, because it would make her feel trapped and make her interest in being intimate with me disappear. I gave it some thought, and told her that I understood, and that I'd do my best to be ok if it happened.

All of that makes it sound like non-stop drama, but that's not the case, really. We've had some wonderful times together recently. Just last week, I took her to a kinky play party and we both had a great time. We've had some very sweet moments, and many more calm moments. I've been over to their house regularly for dinner, and have been loving every second of my time with Bee.

Gia and I still haven't had sex since June, though. I try not to focus on it. I'm not going to make a big point about it again, I already did that, she already knows that I have a hard time feeling loved, much less desired, when we're not physically close. If I reach my breaking point about it, so be it, I'll step back. Hopefully that won't be necessary. But I just don't know.

Clay and I are still going strong in our lust and our love for each other. We see each other about once a week. No plans to build anything bigger or do anything new, and we're both perfectly content with that.

He and Nikki nearly broke up in the early fall. She felt neglected by him, and like she cared for him more than he cared for her. She and I had gotten into the habit of talking regularly via google chat, and sharing our emotional struggles. She told me all about her frustrations with Clay, particularly with how unclear and almost evasive he was being in his communications with her. It was pretty upsetting to hear -- I hate to think of him treating a partner poorly, and if he could do it to someone else he could do it to me some day. But, on the other hand, it wasn't like he was doing anything outright *wrong*, it was all just sort of bunglingly handled on his part, assuming that it went down like she said (he also told me a little about what was going on with them, but went into much less detail).

Davis and I remain warm and sometimes awkward with each other. We also see each other about once a week.

I've had some flirtations with others, and a really lovely session of sex with a gentleman I'll call Kwan, but nothing remotely approaching serious. I don't have time for it, even if it might be nice!

I continue to struggle with focusing on my job, but it's not in crisis mode. I'm aiming to buy a house in the spring, and hoping that my roommates move with me (they've said they will, as long as I find a place that can comfortably meet all of our needs).

I hope that all of you reading this are happy and well!
 
Oh! I should mention also, Dexter is moving out of the country in about a month. It's been coming for a long time, so, while she's sad, Gia has had time to mentally prepare.
 
Thanks for updating, good to hear from you :)

I have had the same problems with this site and haven't been as active as before. I should look out for your tumblr more ;)
 
Thanks for this, by the way. I hope things worked out well with your job?

Whoops, neglected to reply to this! Yup, everything was fine in the end. Everyone maintained a pleasant professionalism, and no blood was spilled :)

Good to read your update. I haven't spent much time in other parts of the forum. I mostly stick to the blogs, which is relatively drama-free. Sorry to hear you've wearied of it. I love your story, and story-telling. Maybe will have to keep up with tumblr better!
 
Was thinking about you the other day, weird how that can happen with people you've only read about online, anyway, great to read this update!
 
Thanks, everyone, it's really pleasant to come back to so much positivity. :)
 
Hello!

So good to read an update, and hear how you're doing. Seems like a lot of members from that time period have kind of stepped back, and it's good to know that you're expressing yourself and asking for the things that you need. Admiration and respect, as always.
 
So good to read an update, and hear how you're doing. Seems like a lot of members from that time period have kind of stepped back, and it's good to know that you're expressing yourself and asking for the things that you need. Admiration and respect, as always.

Thanks, BP. :)

I've been venturing slightly more into the other sections of the board lately and have been well reminded why I stopped. Ugh, it's emotionally taxing as hell.
 
I'm still enjoying following your tumblr. It is interesting (and makes sense) that if you hadn't posted on here, I would've thought things were sexual and easygoing again for you and Gia. I will keep my fingers crossed for you, and glad you have been having positive interactions. Also, if you don't look at www.apartmenttherapy.com I recommend it for small spaces! :cool:
 
I'm still enjoying following your tumblr. It is interesting (and makes sense) that if you hadn't posted on here, I would've thought things were sexual and easygoing again for you and Gia. I will keep my fingers crossed for you, and glad you have been having positive interactions. Also, if you don't look at www.apartmenttherapy.com I recommend it for small spaces! :cool:

Glad you're liking the tumblr! I still get a lot out of it, though I'm doing less long-form blogging there these days. I think I just said a lot of what I needed to say.

With Gia, I think in part I got tired of describing the same problems over and over. If things aren't changing, what's the point in chronicling it? :/ I'm continuing to give her time, but I notice myself feeling somewhat less emotionally invested in the relationship. I think that's a sort of natural defense mechanism on my part -- pulling back unconsciously to avoid feeling sad as much. It's so lame that sex has to mean this much to me. I also worry that I've screwed things up by expressing how much it means to me, because now things may be more awkward and pressure-y. *shrugs*

Thanks for the site recommendation, I took a look just now and found some good stuff there. :)
 
Updates!

*

After six difficult months of unemployment, Davis got a new job. It pays well and it's in his field. :) :) He got very scared right before he started, and depressed that he had so few people to celebrate with. He's done a good job of isolating himself these past few years. I again suggested therapy. But I also made a point of making time to celebrate with him before it started.

In some ways, I feel closer to him than ever. We are always helping each other out and checking in with each other and sharing books and shows. We understand each other on a very deep level. In other ways, I feel myself drawing away. Specifically, in terms of physical intimacy. I've been really uninterested in it with him lately. I don't know why, I just don't feel that drive with him. I asked him if he thought we could still be friends if that part of our relationship stopped. He said yes, though it would make him sad.

*

Gia and Eric have an agreement that, unless one of them is out on a date with an extra-marital partner where sex could be reasonably assumed to occur, they will check in with each other before having sexual contact with extra-marital partners if possible, and, if not, inform each other immediately afterwards. There were one or two instances where it turned out he was fooling around with someone when Gia thought he was gone for a different reason, which made her uncomfortable, especially if she was at home watching their child alone, and it was after that that this rule was instated.

Well, Eric went out to help his gf, Helen, with something, and afterwards they had a brief sexual liaison. Gia found out a few days later by seeing an online conversation between him and Helen that mentioned it (b/c of his history of bending the truth in the past, he's given her permission to look at his communiques if she wants to). She was VERY upset. He had no good explanation and was very apologetic. She reached out to Helen to request that, in the future, if they're not on a date, she ask Eric if he's checked in with her before anything sexual occurs. She explained that she wasn't mad at her, and that she was sorry to have to make the request.

Helen responded by breaking up with Eric, with no real explanation.

Eric was pretty distraught. This was interesting for everyone involved, since he's said before that he doesn't know how he feels about Helen exactly (something more than friendship, something less than love?). He's not the most in-touch-with-his-feelings guy in the world.

I contacted Helen right away. I felt a sisterly metamour-kinship with her, and was saddened at the thought that she was hurting. Turns out she was an utter wreck. She explained to me that she loved Eric, and that she couldn't stand the idea of hurting their family in any way. She was also very worried that somehow her presence in their lives would negatively affect Bee (something a couple of "friends" had told her was the case).

Well, as you can imagine, I had opinions on all of that. I talked to her at length about why I thought she was mistaken, sent her some research on children and polyamory, and talked her through the whole thing. I felt like my experience giving page after page of advice on this site helped.

She and Eric also talked at length. A few days later, she decided to give it another try. In a weird way, it seems like this may have been good for them -- he was forced to think about his feelings for her, and she proved how much she cares, and that she's strong enough to walk away.

Gia and Eric and I are supposed to go out to a show together on Friday night. They'll have a babysitter, and the plan is to go back to my place and get hot and heavy afterwards. It's been a full year since I've been sexual with Eric, and a full six months since I've been sexual with Gia. 0_0 We'll see how it goes. I find myself feeling oddly detached from the idea. Interested, but sort of skeptical as to whether it'll really happen, I guess.

*

Clay has been seeing a new person. I'll call her... Lana. She's a few years younger than the rest of us, and isn't kinky (which just seems odd to me, considering how very, very kinky he is). They've been seeing each other twice a week on average, which seems like a lot, comparatively.

I've felt random moments of jealousy towards her. I'll see her name on his Google calendar and think "what do they DO together anyway, can she really be so interesting, he sure is spending a lot of time with her, grumpgrumpgrump." While part of me is thinking these uncharitable thoughts, another part is chuckling at how silly they are. We're still seeing each other once a week, just as we were before. I don't have time for anything more. He tells me he loves me every day. There is no rationale whatsoever for any sort of feeling of jealousy. And yet, there it is, if only in a minor, occasional way. I let it wash over me, and assume that it will fade once I get a chance to meet her and know her as a person.

Clay and I actually may have reached an exciting new stage in our relationship. We've been talking now and then about maybe getting more intense with our D/s. Well, finally I wrote up a long email detailing my thoughts on the sorts of things we might do together. We saw each other that night, and he talked at length about what I'd written. Our ideas are very much in sync. Our kinky love-making that night felt powerfully connecting, and we both spoke glowingly of it, and of our feelings for each other, afterwards.

He makes me SO happy. Every day, whether I'm seeing him or not, I think of him and smile.
 
Updates to the updates!

In other ways, I feel myself drawing away. Specifically, in terms of physical intimacy. I've been really uninterested in it with him lately. I don't know why, I just don't feel that drive with him.

Turns out this isn't true when the sex is kinky.

Gia and Eric and I are supposed to go out to a show together on Friday night. They'll have a babysitter, and the plan is to go back to my place and get hot and heavy afterwards. It's been a full year since I've been sexual with Eric, and a full six months since I've been sexual with Gia. 0_0 We'll see how it goes. I find myself feeling oddly detached from the idea. Interested, but sort of skeptical as to whether it'll really happen, I guess.

Turns out I was right to keep myself emotionally detached from the idea -- they weren't able to find a babysitter willing to stay extra late, and so we had to abandon the idea of hooking up.

Gia is considering going off hormonal birth control again, and trying a copper IUD instead. Based on past experience, she may well lose much of her attraction to women. Not that her attraction to women has been able to translate into action these past 7 months, because of her anxiety. It seems like at some point I'm going to have to really decide -- what would it mean if sex were off the table between us? How important is that aspect, really?

She and I had a really fun date the other weekend. We talked, walked, got food, did a little shopping, then laid on my bed together and talked and talked some more. No making out or anything like that. It was a good time. I felt very close to her. If I can hold on to the mindset that allows me to enjoy those times, without yearning for something more, maybe we really could be non-sexual girlfriends, something I'd never considered feasible before. Hmm.

*

Clay has been seeing a new person. I'll call her... Lana. She's a few years younger than the rest of us, and isn't kinky (which just seems odd to me, considering how very, very kinky he is).

...

There is no rationale whatsoever for any sort of feeling of jealousy. And yet, there it is, if only in a minor, occasional way. I let it wash over me, and assume that it will fade once I get a chance to meet her and know her as a person.

I should've seen this coming -- Clay is getting Lana into kink. Heh!

I was right that meeting her helped a lot. She seems like a genuine and self-possessed person. I liked her. I haven't felt more than an echo of mild jealousy since.

Clay and I had an amazingly good date the other day. It lasted for more than 24 hours, from the evening of one day straight through to the evening of the next. I bought him dinner, rubbed his back, and made him breakfast. He bought a new toy and used it on me to GREAT effect (I came so hard I sobbed, no lie), tied me up, and had his way with me. We shared Chinese food for lunch, watched TED Talks together, and chatted about our relationship. Izzy came over for a little while with her partner Royce, and we all hung out. I ran out for a bit to drop off some cough syrup and soup to Davis, who had a bad cold. But for the most part, it was just a long stretch of the two of us savoring each other's company. We're in love in that way where you know you're being sappy as hell and you don't care in the least. <3
 
I really can't spend much time on this site. I went to the "Relationships Corner" section and even just reading the titles of the posts bummed me out. That said, it feels good to check in and continue my story.

Things with Clay have mellowed out somewhat while staying very satisfying and loving. We're no longer in the phase of NRE where we're constantly dying to be together, but we're still very much into each other. We get together about once every week and a half.

My relationship with Gia is still very warm, but it feels more like a friendship to me these days. Sex hasn't been on the table in quite a while, and once I began to truly accept that, without even meaning to, I think I also began to let go of my romantic attachment to her. I've been considering talking to her about whether we should still describe each other as partners, but haven't yet. We have a date this weekend, our first in a couple of months.

Bee is great, I continue to love him to death and am so grateful to be in his life.

Davis and I are firmly in the friend zone these days. I realized that I just wasn't enjoying sex with him any more at all, and so I decided to stop. He's handled it well, we still hang out about once a week and make lots of fun plans to go see shows, go hiking, etc. I went out of state for a weekend with him recently to visit his parents. Luckily, they had two guest beds, so it wasn't a problem for us to sleep separately.

I've been seeing a new person for about the last six months. We met through a group we both belong to. I'll call him Pike. I wasn't looking for anything new, but I thought he was cute and fun, and we very quickly got emotionally entangled once we opened ourselves up to it. He's incredibly endearing, sweet and honest and playful.

He's completely new to poly. He was also completely new to kink, but I've introduced him to some activities we've both greatly enjoyed, with him in the submissive role. It's been intense, we hang out a lot, have amazing sex, and say "I love you" several times a day. We've had some great relationship talks about poly, and he's actively looking for other partners, though he hasn't found one yet.

As of just the last couple days, I noticed Pike was acting more reserved, less willing to make plans. He told me that he still loves me, but that he needs a little space to himself right now. I'm giving it to him, and haven't messaged him at all today, even though it feels weird.

He's had a rough year -- he separated from his wife in the fall, several months before I met him, and their divorce is just now being finalized. He's had to live with a parent that he doesn't get along with at all, and he's just now moving out into a new place with some friends. He's been dealing with chronic bouts of depression, and hasn't always had the funds on hand for the meds he needs to feel stable.

So, I miss him, but I'm not surprised by this turn of events. I'm very hopeful that everything will be just fine in a few days more, that he really just needs a little time and space.

That's my intimate life right now. A long way away from where I was when I started this blog more than three and a half years ago, but good. I'm happy, I feel like I have both freedom and fullness in my life. My only real hassle is scheduling, but even that isn't a particularly big deal.
 
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Awww, thank you both so much. :) :)

Pike and I texted a little last night. He seemed to be feeling positive, and said he was very happy to hear from me. But he didn't respond when, near bedtime, after a break in our conversation, I told him I loved him and was here for him. I figure he was already asleep, but why didn't he send a reply in the morning?

I keep reminding myself that giving someone space means you have to actually, y'know, leave them alone. Today, he's posting melancholy pictures on Facebook, so I know he's still feeling down. I tell myself that that's why he isn't saying loving things back to me, like he always used to. There's a small.part of me that worries, though -- what if it's not the depression, what if he's just finding that he doesn't feel the same way any more?

Just gotta be patient and focus on other things. I miss him, though, I miss him, and I wish I had some assurance of how he feels. Still, if this does end prematurely... I'll be sad, but I'll be fine. There's comfort in that thought, that I know I can get through this sort of thing. It's the ambiguity of the current situation that gets to me. I hate it when things feel up in the air.
 
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