The story of Spork.

[Spork]

I ended up stuck up on the north side where I work, they gave us discounted rates at the Hampton Inn next door and I got a room.

We had people trying to leave and go home, gone 2 hours, come back to the office telling us they got stuck a few blocks away, or that roads were blocked, etc.

The interstate was shut down. Cops had blockaded another main road out of here, and a 10 car pileup shut down another route. It just wasn't worth messing around in this. The funny thing is, my ex, my kids, my lovers, (besides Zen)...all on the south side of town, where they managed to have sunshine and dry pavement when we had a howling blizzard going on just like 20 minutes up the road where I am at. But they could see on the news. We had the city deploying those Snow Cat vehicles to rescue stranded drivers, and the National Guard apparently was out.

Me...I went next door last night, and took a hot bath. Then a hot shower. Then I made some hot tea. Then I sat all naked and clean and comfortable on the bed, and braided my hair, and went to sleep early. I felt like I really treated myself, and it was nice.

This morning it's sunny, and everything is quickly melting...temps are supposed to be in the 50's today.

Fingers crossed the weather doesn't screw up my plans to move tomorrow...

 

[Spork]

Yay! I moved!

So I still have just a very few odds and ends (enough to do in one trip with the minivan) left at Old Wolf's house, but by and large I am officially moved into my new digs!

Friday, Q and I made several trips in the van hauling what we could up to the apartment. We did that until the weather got sketchy on us. Friday night, it was snowing pretty heavily and I was worried about being able to get much done on Saturday.

Fortunately, it was wet sloppy spring snow and Saturday we had clear roads, it was melty on pavement and only accumulated on everything else. Wolf decided to help. Well, his help means jumping in there and "leading the mission" so while it was stressful, it was effective. Pretty much how he rolls. He paid for a U-Haul and helped move a big load with almost everything.

On Sunday, I wanted to get up early and go up and work on unpacking. Unfortunately, the old man wanted to sit in the garage and talk...which cost me a few hours. I did however get up there for a while in the afternoon and got a lot done.

So...Saturday night I had Ladies' Pool which was down in the vicinity of Wolf's house and Sunday was Ninja's birthday (17!) and so I had cause to spend Friday and Saturday night at the house. Especially with the weather being dodgy. He hit me with an "idea" on Saturday after he helped with the big furniture and all... He figured the kids could spend the night alone in the new apartment, and I could stay at the house and get high with him one last time maybe. ?? *sigh* Pretty transparent to me. He always said that when he smokes up he "gets the hornies" and despite the MANY times I've told him that is not the case with me and it just makes me lazy and sleepy, he has never really believed it. Well of course he doesn't, he doesn't believe that ANYONE can experience ANYTHING in a way that differs from how he does. He was making a rather lame and transparent attempt to get me to have sex with him. Well, I wasn't having it, for one thing the boys couldn't stay in the apartment, there was no food, and the dishes were still packed, I didn't even have the internet working yet. For another...no. Just no.

He keeps going on about the "things I'm into now" that he "always wanted to do" when we were married. And he also grumps about how it's not fair and it's harder for men...men always want it, and if the woman doesn't, then why is her voice the important one? What makes her so special? If a man just throws her down and takes it, he's a monster, but if she does it...that is the stuff of fantasies (according to him.) Despite me telling him about a bajillion times that I shrink from the idea of sex with him because I don't feel emotionally safe with him, and haven't for a long time. Despite me expressing that I would never have wanted to explore those "things I'm into" with him, and I still don't... It's really almost like he's trying to mentally justify a possible rape attempt here. I really don't know. He was always the honorable warrior guy who would go after rapists and exact justice, so...yeah, anyways it's just a mess. He's frustrated and bitter, he's every "forever alone" guy and MRA type you see online complaining about how awful it is that women are picky and get to reject men and whatever. Lots of "nice guys finish last" and "friend zone" and "blue pill/red pill" talk, too.

Blech.

So anyhow I am really glad I don't live with him anymore. It was getting icky.

Last night we had pizza and played cards and spent some time together for Ninja's birthday, it was kind of low-key but it was nice. And then I packed up the cat and his stuffs and Q and I spent our first night in the new place. The cat was funny. He's never had to move since I adopted him years ago when he was a baby, he was slinking around with big eyes investigating everything. I think he was a bit dismayed at how, for the most part, the boxes were not open and empty for him to get in, because ya know how it is with cats and boxes. But he doesn't seem unhappy with his new home.

Really looking forward to having my stuff all unpacked and put away, things hung up on walls, and so on. It's gonna be great.

 

[Spork]

Damn you, Worm King.

*sigh*

So, who has that one person that didn't work out, for whatever reason and even if the relationship didn't even have time to become an actual relationship, that they just can't get out of their head?

I have all of this abundance in my love life. I have more people than I can realistically find the time to even spend with and maintain. And I love them, and they love me, and they DO make me happy. But as I have said, it's more like a golden, sunny summer afternoon in a meadow, emotionally speaking. It's not a conflagration, even when one of them is nearly Fire incarnate. I don't feel like I'm in any emotional peril with any of 'em.

I miss the bonfire.

What the hell is wrong with me???

Every possible little thing that could remind me of him, does. Songs that he played to me get stuck in my head when I haven't heard them for months. I see a relationship article and I try to smash its logic into "why didn't he want me?" One on Facebook moments ago about why men like "crazy chicks"...was I not crazy enough? Too crazy? Where did I go wrong...? But I know, I KNOW that he just wasn't that into me, and nothing I can do now (or probably then) could change that. It is what it is. And every time I miss him, it's followed swiftly, immediately, by anger. I want to flip tables. I'm so mad at myself for not being cool and chill, and over him, and totally satisfied and gratified with everything I DO have. I still want so badly to see his smile and hear his voice. I can't for the life of me figure out why.

I wonder if it is the fact that he didn't need me. At all really. He had the upper hand, he had the power over my will. I wanted to change to be anything he wanted. These others...they all need me, a bit more than I need them I think. They all seem to care what I want, some of them wait for me to initiate things, not one of them is really demanding or using me to satisfy their urges, and there is just something on a primal level about that...it probably makes for the worst of relationship potential but it's kinda hot? I don't know. How could he have been such a player? I don't get it. He was a middle aged former cover band singer who lives alone with his cats and his garden. First impression of him is creepy nerdy guy. But his touch was all rockstar, and then his voice...the power was all his. Even my Sadist doesn't force my WILL into submission, much as I try to feel that with him, I just don't. That's why he's not my Dom, he's my Top and my Sadist. I am not a sub because I don't have anyone who inspires that kind of submission from me. And frankly, if it takes a man who is going to treat me with such disregard, ultimately, I just don't think I'll be able to have a D/s relationship with anyone at all.

This is a brokenness, a damage, in me. That I can crave this person so much. People have chided me for remaining his friend on Facebook, but that doesn't matter. The problem isn't on any screen (he doesn't even post very often)...the problem is in my brain. If I can't conquer it there, I can't conquer it at all.

I'm gonna call it the Goblin King syndrome. That's the first modeling of this kind of thing I ever saw, the enigmatic and cocky male who pursues the girl and messes with her mind...but ultimately, she's got to stand up and stop being an idiot, break his power over her (which was all an illusion anyhow) and get on with life.

Dammit. Bowie would have been such a bitchin' Dom though, don't you think?

 

[icesong]

Believe me I understand - if you haven't read back through my blog, HipsterBoy, who I talk about there, is my Goblin King - or my brain weasel, because I think over things that happened then/there like a weasel ball going nowhere (http://www.weaselballs.com, if you don't know the toy I mean).

 

[Spork]

Today I had lunch with Zen, and that helped recharge me and get my lonely-for-love missing the Worm King put to rest a bit. I had not seen any of my loves in about a week, and had a lot of hard work in between, and challenges, and stress...so I suppose maybe that was playing into my, "boo hoo I miss the one that got away" muck-wallow.

In case anyone is ever curious...not that I expect anyone to be, but hey...the Worm King, one of the strangest people I've ever met, and definitely a contender for the best sex I ever had, he's the guy who is singing in this video and playing bass:

(He hates this video. He hates hearing his voice recorded, and he hates this song. I don't care. Nyeh.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPJRqGAK10w

 

[Spork]

So I have a friend, and her issues make me think.

She is an artist in a male-dominated community. She wants very much to be recognized for her personality, character, intellect, achievements, and art. She has done extensive work in makeup and special effects, even working for a major film company that does mostly historical documentaries for major cable channels. She says that she hates that she's been approached to do fetish modeling. She hates to be seen as a woman, as attractive for being a woman, etc. She has in fact considered transitioning gender and becoming a man. She performs as a drag king.

I cannot easily speak to her about all of this, because she has a tendency to view things in very black and white terms. You either completely support her with no explanations or conditions or conversation about it, or you are against her or "don't get it." She has a hard time hearing my perspective without becoming angry and defensive, feeling like I'm attacking her thought processes. So I'm gonna blog about it, because hey...when having thoughts, what better way to get 'em out?

I fully support her doing whatever she wants to shape herself into whoever and whatever she wishes to be. If that is a man, then COOL. Go for it.

What I DON'T like, is her becoming a man, simply because she isn't respected the way she wants to be, because she's a woman. That makes me FREAKING ANGRY. Because to me, in a world where one should BE the change that one wants to see, she is saying that it's fine to not respect women as people. If the response is, "I don't like being treated like less than a person, like my value is in my sexual appearance, availability, or appeal, so I'm going to become a man so that I won't be treated that way"...then there is an implied message that it's ok for women to be treated that way. You're not arguing against that behavior, you're just jumping ship. Frankly, I find it pretty cowardly. Frankly, I'd feel a lot better if she were standing tall with her amazing tattooed ass, fist in the air, and saying, "Yeah, I'm female, so WHAT?? I make better art than ten of you put together. Watch me kick ass over here!"

I know that her response to that would be, yes, that would be great, but that isn't the world we live in. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter what we accomplish, more people will look at pics of us in our bio and think about whether we fit their idea of pretty or not, than they will contemplate the value of what we have done. I get it.

It just feels like she is admitting defeat. It makes me sad on some level and I have a hard time explaining that to her.

It's a sore spot for me in particular. Because my ex would tell me that every man I meet in the world, every time any man meets any woman (unless he's gay), he WILL, almost immediately, imagine having sex with her. The thought will go through his mind. If he can set it aside, he can go on to have a platonic friendship with her. But he's gonna think it, and I just have to deal with that. This was his logic for not liking me going out to events where men are, without him there to "protect" me from them. This is the logic that had him skeptical of every conversation I had with another male in the world. This is the logic that had me, every time I mentioned literally any interaction with another man at any point for any reason, I had to make sure I backed it with disclaimers about how he didn't try to pursue me sexually and I didn't give him any encouragement to, I was careful to make sure he didn't think I might want to, etc. I couldn't just move through life as a person among people. I existed as a valuable commodity where I had to put constant effort into protecting my husband's ownership of me. I learned to not want to be seen as a sexual person or as feminine or attractive. I dressed in looser and more masculine clothing. I stopped wearing makeup. I adopted a lot of changes, some I don't think I even realized, because of this. And it completely squashed my sexuality and my desire and ability to express myself sexually. Killed it. Now, I'm reclaiming it. I'm realizing that the mentality he hammered into me is more him and that whatever other men might be thinking of, as long as they treat me with respect to my face, it doesn't matter. That there is no cause to deny myself anything I want out of fear for what anyone will think. No cause and no excuse, actually.

Now I am never going to be a "girly girl." I am not fond of the color pink. I believe that as a woman, I am stronger on the inside than most men. My fortitude is freaking unbelievable. I think that's true of many women. I don't like all women, but then I don't like all men either. I stand in solidarity for all PEOPLE who are real and true and bright spirits with open minds. I don't need or want a mani/pedi, I will probably never wear makeup comfortably, and I don't have any desire to go get my hair did. But I don't want to change myself to deserve respect from bigots and misogynists. I like me just fine. If someone doesn't take me seriously because I've got lady parts, it's their loss. I will not be ruled by the attitudes and behavior of people that I know are WRONG.

 

[Reverie]

Because my ex would tell me that every man I meet in the world, every time any man meets any woman (unless he's gay), he WILL, almost immediately, imagine having sex with her. The thought will go through his mind. If he can set it aside, he can go on to have a platonic friendship with her. But he's gonna think it, and I just have to deal with that.

Someone told me this before too, and it creeped me the fuck out. The person was like, "the kid bagging your groceries, the old man on the bus, the taxi driver, the waiter..." Ew, no, just...no. Especially since I almost never think about sex unless I'm in the presence of or talking online to a current/impending sex partner. The idea that my end of an interaction and the other person's end could be so wildly different made me feel...barely even HUMAN.

 

[Spork]

Someone told me this before too, and it creeped me the fuck out. The person was like, "the kid bagging your groceries, the old man on the bus, the taxi driver, the waiter..." Ew, no, just...no. Especially since I almost never think about sex unless I'm in the presence of or talking online to a current/impending sex partner. The idea that my end of an interaction and the other person's end could be so wildly different made me feel...barely even HUMAN.

I guess what baffles me about this is... How can men go about life accomplishing the many things that men accomplish, if this is how their minds work? I mean, to me, not being able to "help it" and thinking of every single female they encounter as a potential for sex, I'm like what are you an animal? I mean that is some monkey shit right there! How do you go around doing people things...inventing and coding, speaking and leading, building and curing and doing...STUFF...with that monkey in there pointing out every human with a vagina and miming humping motions in your brain? Seriously, how?

Is all of the more civilized behavior I see merely a farce?

Well. First of all, I just can't believe that it's that overwhelming a thing for men. Because if it were, then for chrissakes nothing would ever get done. Secondly, I've learned that one simply cannot go about one's life constantly worrying about what's going on in the mind of other human beings all the time. (See: "Taming Your Mammoth" the article I posted in the articles subforum.) Ain't nobody got time for that. So really, as long as a man, any man, is willing to treat me with basic human decency and respect at first encounter, given a minute I can probably prove to them that I'm worth talking to instead of just imagining naked.

And if not...well...odds are good I don't want anything to do with them if they are that much monkey and that little human. Stupidity is, after all, one of my hardest of hard limits.

 

[Reverie]

Secondly, I've learned that one simply cannot go about one's life constantly worrying about what's going on in the mind of other human beings all the time.

Yeah, this is about where I stand on that too. The whole "what other people think of me is none of my business" thing. But I sure was creeped out when the person first talked about it.

 

[Magdlyn]

Girls, welcome to the world of testosterone. It's a wonderful thing. It makes men so driven to get laid!

Personally, I do not ID as female, but more genderqueer. Especially since peri-menopause began in my early 40s, my estrogen has been spotty, then nearly absent. And so my testosterone has come to the fore.

I've been quite sexual ever since. It's maybe getting a tiny bit lesser lately, but I think that is because I've had back pain/misalignment.

But yeah, I was boy crazy as a teen, and have been boy crazy as a middle aged woman too. It's not disgusting and I don't go around leering and propositioning every person I see on the street. But I do go gaga over a nice looking guy. I guess I am hypersexual?

I once attended a conference geared towards transgendered people, and in one workshop, a transwoman said that, since going on androgen blockers, and starting estrogen, she is still very horny, but now, unlike when she had the T in her system, she can at least "get some things done." So yeah. Some men invent things, work hard, bathe babies, create art, but it's a sideline to getting laid. More than one musician has said getting girls is/was their main motivation for taking up an instrument and touring with a band.

 

[Spork]

Girls, welcome to the world of testosterone. It's a wonderful thing. It makes men so driven to get laid!

Personally, I do not ID as female, but more genderqueer. Especially since peri-menopause began in my early 40s, my estrogen has been spotty, then nearly absent. And so my testosterone has come to the fore.

I've been quite sexual ever since. It's maybe getting a tiny bit lesser lately, but I think that is because I've had back pain/misalignment.

But yeah, I was boy crazy as a teen, and have been boy crazy as a middle aged woman too. It's not disgusting and I don't go around leering and propositioning every person I see on the street. But I do go gaga over a nice looking guy. I guess I am hypersexual?

I once attended a conference geared towards transgendered people, and in one workshop, a transwoman said that, since going on androgen blockers, and starting estrogen, she is still very horny, but now, unlike when she had the T in her system, she can at least "get some things done." So yeah. Some men invent things, work hard, bathe babies, create art, but it's a sideline to getting laid. More than one musician has said getting girls is/was their main motivation for taking up an instrument and touring with a band.

You know, my own personal issue with it that makes me all pissy is that when I want someone sexually, I don't dehumanize them. If anything, I'm completely fascinated with every single part of who they are. I want to hear all of their stories, I am intensely interested in the whole package, not just...the "package"... But when a man is sexually interested in a woman, it really feels like he does not see her as "people." She is a thing, a commodity, an inconvenient custodian for the parts he wants to play with or look at.

My ex sure acted that way.

But oddly, there I am at Voodoo, getting naked and bottoming for whatever, and plenty of overt voyeurs among us...yet I feel safe and comfortable with them, and not dehumanized at all. Because they are smart people, these men, and even if I wobble over to where my clothes are at with a woogy smile on my face after a scene and a friend-quaintance is standing there, and he was enjoying watching, I can smile and have a conversation with him and I totally feel like people. I don't feel objectified at all. I don't feel inferior, or lesser. I feel like our minds are able to communicate, I'm not talking to some idiot hump-monkey.

And that's the crux of it for me...the men I keep as friends, they really don't seem to think of me as less than human even if it's possible (or likely) that they have thought of having sex with me.

The way my ex, and certain other men who don't respect women, talk, it is natural for men to just not respect women and only want to use them like disposable sex toys...I am simply not convinced that's the case.

Really thinking through to this conclusion is the only way I can continue to function in society. I have to be able to reconcile my sexuality with my intellect and humanity.

 

[icesong]

You know, my own personal issue with it that makes me all pissy is that when I want someone sexually, I don't dehumanize them. If anything, I'm completely fascinated with every single part of who they are. I want to hear all of their stories, I am intensely interested in the whole package, not just...the "package"... But when a man is sexually interested in a woman, it really feels like he does not see her as "people." She is a thing, a commodity, an inconvenient custodian for the parts he wants to play with or look at.

'Course, this also explains why "dick pics" are a phenomenon... if they're only interested in our parts, we must be only interested in theirs, right? ;-)

 

[Spork]

'Course, this also explains why "dick pics" are a phenomenon... if they're only interested in our parts, we must be only interested in theirs, right? ;-)

Ahhh...but not all the men do that, either...

Reminds me though. I got a friend request and a message from a dude on fetlife today. In fact, I went months with no strangers bothering me there, assumed that they must all be seeing the bit where I say I'm polysaturated and no longer seeking others...and in the last day I have had TWO of them message me. This one though, had...*sigh*...a dick pic as his profile pic.

Now it doesn't really matter what you say in your message to me when we have not met in person and you friend request/message me and you've got a dick pic as your avatar, because in my mind, you are simply saying "I want you to befriend my Willie. Please be friends with him? He is lonely."

So much nope.

And in his first message he said, "I love your username. I'm new to the scene. If you get a second, accept my friend request. ;-)"

Funny how that didn't SOUND like a request, but rather some kind of a directive. Oh that's right, it's fetlife. Where guys who fancy themselves Dommish can act like pricks (with the pic to match) and think the subbies will surely eat it right up. ~~yawn~~

I asked if we had met, and he said no. I then said, in a very "let's cut the crap here" tone, that I was not available, but if he wanted a friendly face to meet up with at a community event and introduce him around, if he was interested in getting into the community, I am extroverted and nice and willing to do that. (Because I'm always promoting Voodoo and trying to get people to go, I love the place and can't imagine anyone NOT loving it.)

He said, "You're poly though, right?"

*head hits desk* Dude...

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I asked if we had met, and he said no. I then said, in a very "let's cut the crap here" tone, that I was not available, but if he wanted a friendly face to meet up with at a community event and introduce him around, if he was interested in getting into the community, I am extroverted and nice and willing to do that. (Because I'm always promoting Voodoo and trying to get people to go, I love the place and can't imagine anyone NOT loving it.)

He said, "You're poly though, right?"

*head hits desk* Dude...

I am right there with you on this. I could deal with the fact that men are constantly thinking about sex, if they could just comprehend that I'm *not*. I'm also pretty outgoing, and just as likely to strike up a conversation with a man or a woman. I'm so tired of dudes who assume that if you're engaging with them, you're thinking about jumping them.

And I hate that I still have to fight the mental gymnastics of wondering if I said or did something to "lead him on"... Ugh. I should be able to be friendly, open, sociable me - without worrying about how it comes across to some guy who's fixated on my boobs. Most of the time I manage to give no fucks, but every once in a while, I totally feel your friend who thinks life would be easier as a man.

 

[Spork]

I am right there with you on this. I could deal with the fact that men are constantly thinking about sex, if they could just comprehend that I'm *not*. I'm also pretty outgoing, and just as likely to strike up a conversation with a man or a woman. I'm so tired of dudes who assume that if you're engaging with them, you're thinking about jumping them.

And I hate that I still have to fight the mental gymnastics of wondering if I said or did something to "lead him on"... Ugh. I should be able to be friendly, open, sociable me - without worrying about how it comes across to some guy who's fixated on my boobs. Most of the time I manage to give no fucks, but every once in a while, I totally feel your friend who thinks life would be easier as a man.

I used to actually fantasize about getting, someday, old enough to no longer be so sexually interesting to most men. I have no desire to slow or halt my aging process, except insofar as it impacts my health, comfort, and ability to do things...I think I'm gonna rock being an old lady. Bring it.

But being a man? Like, beyond clothing and even surgery...BEING a man? Ohhhh ho ho oh no....nope. It has been my observation that while men might be stronger on the outside, and pretend to be stronger on the inside, most men I've known are emotional marshmallow weenie critters on the inside. I mean I can go through some stuff once in a while, but I don't feel like an incomplete person without a partner by my side. I don't wig out if I'm not getting laid enough. I don't need a pat on the head or a gold star for upholding my responsibilities. I can "man up" and get the job done better than almost any man I've ever known. They are human, just as human no more and no less, as any woman. I'll take the set of strengths and weaknesses I've got over what I've seen in other people any day of the week.

And I often think that part of my attitude about this is the "mammoth" concept, the notion that we as human beings are carrying around a whole lot of primitive wiring from our hunter/gatherer origins that doesn't necessarily translate that well into the world we have built for ourselves to live in.

For instance, I'm great at mutitasking. I can juggle a ton of stuff in my life and my mind! I notice everything. I think ahead. I come home like,

"Pick up those socks. I need to pay the phone bill. I gotta stop running around and go pee. My show premieres tonight, if I get the dishes put away, I can catch that...need to make dinner. You have an orchestra concert on Wednesday. What is the cat eating? I need to buy a birthday card for my cousin. Must remember in the morning to put gas in the car. We need milk. Oh, what's this? Another cool art idea. I'll file that behind the 8 projects in my art queue. Dear god that's dirty, what did an overcooked piece of toast explode in here? *wipewipewipe* Ah!! I still need to go pee." And behind all of that I'm running analysis on which credit card to put an extra payment on while turning off every light and device in the place that I walk past to save electricity. I know what price to pay for every grocery item I ever buy, and where to get good deals on what. I know which stores have the items I can't find anywhere else. I know the names and a brief bio on hundreds of people. I can juggle all of these balls, and only rarely drop one.

Ex-hubs on the other hand is stressing over whether the oak entertainment center will look better to a potential date he might bring home one day, if he puts it in the family room or his bedroom. And whether he will be alone forever.

I guess what I'm getting at is that it seems crazy to me, that I'm over here living life in all its myriad complexity, and it seems the men I know (or at least a number of them) are fixated on whatever it is they're trying to do with women...to the point where they might have a life of tremendous achievement and massive contribution to society or culture or something that amounts to little more than a fancy nest made of sticks and a weird dance with their wings flapping around and tails fanned out. What the heck kind of life is that?

(All statements exaggerated to make my point. Don't take anything I say too seriously please.)

 

[Magdlyn]

I guess we can generalize that men think differently, even experience life differently, than women. Most men are "spotlight" people, most women are "floodlight" people.

Your exposition about coming home and immediately working on a half dozen projects at once reminds me of an experiment I once saw, that was televised. A mock kitchen, where male and female subjects were faced with numerous issues happening at once. A pot of food boiling on the stove. A phone ringing. A crying baby. A pet that needed to be fed. A doorbell ringing.

The female subjects were able to soothe the baby, answer the phone, stir the pot and turn it down, quickly feed the dog.

The men just had a mess. The food was burnt, the phone maybe answered, but dropped, baby continued to wail, etc. They accomplished one task well, maybe, but not all the tasks, as the women could.

It's not a reason to hate men. Humans have had a million years of evolution, conservatively, to have come to these differences.

Women stayed near home since they were pregnant or breastfeeding. They gathered vegetables, then invented horticulture, they trapped small animals, they made clothing, bedding, pottery, baskets, jewelry, they did their hair in an infinite number of ways, they nurtured children and the elderly. They networked and cooperated with each other, talking all day long.

At the same time, men developed these amazing muscles. They spent a lot of their days on the plain, running, running, running for hours after the animals they hunted for their food, for their village's food. They had to be silent to be good hunters. Their communication was brief and to the point, strategy to find the animal and bring it down. (Or in battle, seek the enemy, bring it down.) They had to ignore aches and pains and wounds, "man up" and just keep going. They had one big goal, bring down the food animal, cut it up and carry it home. Then at times of rest, eat, then have sex with the woman or women in their lives. Simple!

Presently, I spend most of my life in friendship with gay men, transgendered women and men, or gender variant people. So, that is interesting... I have experienced, and seen studies that show gay (or bi) men have brains more like women. They are more emotional and see life more in shades of grey than straight guys do.

I spent 30 years with a spotlight straight guy, my ex husband, who did have a very low emotional quotient. When I was first single I dated a young man who told me he knew he had the "EQ of a gnat." It's just how straight men are. We could just accept that and learn to live with it.

Since splitting with my ex and meeting pixi, I have found that I am extremely sexually attracted to men, but emotionally more attracted to women. I am constantly amazed at how good my communication with my female life partner is (even though she is transgender). She gets things I put down, emotionally. She understands and can work through her own emotional issues. On the other hand, while we are sexually attracted to each other, her sexuality is very tricksy compared to the men I have dated. With my men, they can just come to the door and we get right to it. With her, it is much more complicated. All those tasks to be completed! All the emotions to be dealt with! With a guy, you just grab his cock. With a woman, there's talking first, a meal to be cooked and eaten, requisite snuggling, kissing, then finally, if I am lucky, actual sex.

I've read and found to be true, in sex with a woman you work from the edges inwards. Stroke her hair, her shoulders, kiss her hands, kiss her lips, then finally to the breasts, all before you get to the genitals. With a man, you grab and rub the cock first, then he will be more interested in the kissing and other foreplay activities.

I sometimes jokingly say, men are good for 2 things, sex, and lifting heavy stuff. Otherwise, I try to keep my expectations low.

Again, I make exceptions for gay, bi and (some) transmen. And I feel compassion for (and attraction to) simple horny men, since a main goal of mine in life, whether I like it or not, is to get laid as often as possible.

 

[IndieSolo]

The posts about how frequently men think about sex reminded me about one of the arguments that was often raised against women going into combat in the US military. Women could go to war and serve on the battlefield in a number of capacities, but not combat or infantry. Historically many women resorted to dressing and disguising themselves as men in order to fight in combat. In the US, until 2013, women were not allowed in the front lines (although war being what it is, some women did wind up there). One argument often posed against it was that a woman's presence would be a distraction to the men on the battlefield, and therefore a danger. Because, you know, all men are dogs and cannot help themselves, and all women are evil temptations.

It's incredibly insulting to both men and women to say that men cannot control their sexual urges and women are nothing but a pussy to be fucked, but that's how it's been for a long time. It is always up to the woman to be demure and make sure she doesn't do anything like dress provocatively, go out alone, say things that could be taken as invitations, try to gain access to male-dominated environments, etc., because if she doesn't hide the fact that she is a sexual being and enjoys sex, she is "asking for it" or is a cheap and common whore, since a man's basic nature is to be a total horndog and to take advantage of any woman he can.

It was illustrated very well in Downton Abbey (how a woman has to be "pure," without any sexual desires, but men are what they are). When Lady Mary decides to break it off with Tony Gillingham, he is aghast and says (to paraphrase), "You're a LADY and you had sex with me, and now you're ending it?!!!" Meanwhile he was the one who asked her to "try him out," essentially, as a lover and see if there was something there between them. But he thinks nothing of the fact that that is what he proposed to her, and she has now exercised her choice not to stay with him. You can see the disgust in his face when he says it (it was acted brilliantly). Then, of course, there was lady Edith who has to hide the fact that she gave birth to a daughter out of wedlock, because, my goodness, a lady of breeding doesn't have sex with anyone but her husband and if she never gets a marriage proposal she must die an old maid and always protect herself from all men who want sex without the marriage certificate.

But the other thing I wanted to say is this: I'm a woman and I do think of sex pretty much all of the time. I've been that way a very long time. I'm often the first person in a group setting to make a dirty joke in conversation; if I see a guy whom I find even just a little bit attractive, I find myself trying to imagine his naked body and what his dick looks like (I did that just last night with the bartender at a restaurant where I had dinner); I fantasize about having sex several times a day; if I see an attractive (to me) or quirky couple, I imagine what they are like when they have sex with each other; I've been known to waste entire days off from work in bed getting myself off, and so on. I don't think a day ever goes by when I don't think about sex, and that has nothing to do with whether or not I'm in a relationship. It doesn't mean that any man is a target, but... well, a lot of them could be... but yeah, sex is something that preoccupies many of my thoughts. I suppose that sometimes it has prevented me from getting some things accomplished, but I can go about my day and work and do errands and still also have sexual thoughts, daydreams, and wonderings. I don't know if how I think about sex is different from how men think about it.

 

[Spork]

Oh, understand, I do not hate on men at all...I love men!...particularly in the comment where I talked about the multitasking, my point was that I would not want to be one. I like my skillset and I like being me. I don't feel disadvantaged.

The thing that always sparked anger for me was that my ex felt it should be a high priority to me to protect HIS PROPERTY (my sexuality) from every other man on planet Earth. And that they all wanted it. You know, I've pursued men and had them turn me down before. I've had plenty of men not treat me like a sex prospect at all. And I've had some who were after me, for sure. I've had friends where we had a fun, flirty interaction but when it came right down to it (when I became available and let them know it was an option for instance) it turned out that I was not their "type" and they ended up with a woman who looked nothing like me, and I was like yeah...alright. Fair enough!

So really, no, all straight men aren't chasing all pussy all the time.

And of course women think about it, too! And when we see a man who sparks our interest, we might imagine what he's like in the sack. Heck yeah!

Just...to be perfectly frank, I really think that there is just a spectrum from a married man who tries to explain to his wife as though she is a teenage girl, that she shouldn't go out to concerts, that she shouldn't wear this or that, that she shouldn't make friends with other men, basically saying "Please stay home so that I can be secure that other men aren't threatening my sexual territory"...it's on the spectrum along with cultures where women are either locked up in compounds or have to wear cloth covering their hair, or entire bodies, etc so as not to tempt the interest of men who don't have a right to them. Cultures where if a woman is raped, she might be punished up to and including mutilation or death for not guarding her sex well enough. One is far, far more extreme than the other, but taken far enough that's where you end up with that kind of logic. Where we cannot expect men to be civilized, we must expect women to be on guard against every rogue penis in the population, and hey...THEY ALL ARE!

I do not want to live that way.

And of course there are some dudes out there who are badly behaved in their pursuit of sex from women. But I like to think I'm smart enough to see which ones are (for the most part) without having to assume they are all monsters.

Magdlyn, I have issues with Fire and sex, too, but I love her...man do I ever love her... It's been ages (before her) since I was with another woman, and she is tricky to please, far moreso than I am. Hefe and I are earthy and easy, we are the "easy orgasm club"...Fire even has trouble getting HERSELF off, sometimes. Analyst I think habituated himself to some pretty extreme habits during his time alone between relationships, and Zen isn't used to having a woman to play with at all. So three out of five of those in my present sexual config are tricky and hard to get off. I'm so glad I've got Hefe, or I think my sexual confidence would be dinged!

nycindie: What I hear from male soldiers is that the biggest problem they'd have with women on the front lines is not any urge to have sex with them, but the protector instincts possessed by most males. A woman pinned down by enemy fire will have every man on the battlefield trying to rescue her, even if it gets them all killed. Whereas another male soldier might elicit a more reasoned course of action.

Oh, and I have a name for that thing of spending a day off in bed engaging in some "self-love"...because usually if I'm doing so, I have a dozen other things I SHOULD be doing, but I'm not... "procrasturbation"

 

[Spork]

Back on track with a life update...

Busy weekend!! Friday night was Zen's night, as per our normal routine. We had our sexytime and then went off to First Fridays at the Underground. This is just the kink community getting together at a really cool gay bar downtown to all hang out. I love this place, it's got multiple levels, floors, bars, areas and it's almost a little labyrinthine at first. I spend a lot of time up on the roof, which is a covered and heated smoking area.

Which reminds me. I really need and want to quit smoking. The Analyst is encouraging me to vape, which he is into...but I'm a bad influence on him. I'm not the only one, he's got a coworker who has him going out on smoke breaks with him, and so Analyst has been breaking down and smoking again. He'd been firmly vaping and cutting out the nicotine content when we met, and now he's backsliding. I've been just trying to cut back smoking cigs but when I find my favorite vape I'll be trying to do that instead I guess. I kind of want to just STOP. There is part of me that wants to be strong enough to do it with no crutch or aid...it's scary though. I've tried before and sooner or later, I've turned into a psycho. Smoking is awful. I wish I'd never started.

In tandem, now that the weather is improving, I need to walk/hike more. When I am walking, I don't want to smoke. I walk pretty fast, it's enough to make me breathe a bit hard anyways, so I never feel the urge to fire up a cigarette when I'm walking. I feel like if I get into a habit of spending a more significant amount of my time doing this exercise, I will at least not want to smoke while I'm doing it.

So. First Fridays was fun. I need to polish, sharpen, and reinforce some boundaries though. I met a woman there who wants to get into Voodoo, and of course I encourage that...I liked talking to her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she is one I don't want to entangled or close to my life. Long story short, she smells like questionable life choices. It was in the way she talked. She has levels of drama I would find very tiresome. And she says, as she's leaving, "I want to come to Voodoo but I don't have reliable transportation. So here's the deal. I'm going to give you my number, and let me have you come pick me up and take me to the party next Saturday." I took her number, but didn't give her mine...and I told her no promises, because I tend to have last minute plans and obligations jump on my back like rabid monkeys. She said, "I usually AM people's last minute plans and obligations, so that'll work just fine." WHAT THE HELL. Lady...no. And then my friend Gavin, whom I'm quite fond of...but he's a very young guy who drinks a little too much sometimes and gets up to shenanigans, was all excited to find out that he now lives very close to me since I moved and he wants to come hang out and watch cartoons.

*sigh* People...I just don't know sometimes...

So then Saturday, poly-quad plus one darling ukulele musician friend of ours met up for brunch, and I ate a huge meal, really stuffed myself (not normal!) and then we went ziplining. That was lots of fun. Afterwards, we drove around Garden of the Gods (Google image that, it's beautiful!) and the sun was shining, my belly was full, I'd just had a bit of exercise hiking the zipline course...and I was getting sooooo sleepy. Analyst is all, "I'm hungry, we need to go eat!" So then pizza happened. Carb coma! I had to muster the energy somehow to go to the party at Voodoo, but I did...

At Voodoo, I got a great hot wax session with the Aussie guy who does that, he tried something new. He used a cookie cutter to remove a heart shape out of the layer of wax on my back, and then poured red wax into it. I wish I could have seen it. And later I got some impact in with Zen. Then hot tub and overnight back at Fire and Hefe's house.

Yesterday I went out to Analyst's house because he had an old couch he wanted to give me. That's perfect, I truly prefer high mileage furniture because I'm always going to love my cat more than any couch, so I don't want to care if he decides to claw the back corners, which he normally does. I got visits from all of my loves, we went out for Mexican food, and I took a very serious nap.

It was a good weekend!

 

[breathemusic]

I don't think I've actually commented on your blog before, but I also just started reading it, so I had to go back to the beginning and catch up.... but I just had to say that I literally LOLed at "procrasturbation!"