The story of Spork.

What a FUN little spot of networking I just got to do!

So, a bunch of years ago, GWAR was on Jerry Springer. There was a kid, a chubby boy in lipstick, who was on as a "GWAR fan" and for at least 10 years that I'm aware of (likely longer, but the whole time I've been part of the online fan community) GWAR fans have wondered whatever happened to that kid? Was he an actual GWAR fan or was it staged? Was it one of us in the community? Who IS this kid??

Bear in mind that GWAR fans (or "bohabs" as we're called) are really nerdy about GWAR history and bits of trivia and such. We are like D&D geeks, or Star Wars/Star Trek geeks...we can hold endless conversations over minutia of mythos, history, media appearances, etc. with regard to this band. We're silly like that. I often call GWAR "The Monty Python of punk and metal" for reasons.

Well yesterday, the kid was found! He outed himself on social media, and his profile was shared in a few groups, and now we all know who he is. He's frankly shocked that anyone remembers this or gives a damn about it. He is grown up with a family of his own and fronts a little metal band with an obnoxious and rather gross name. Welllll..... I asked him if he'd have any interest in being called out at the GWARBQ in Richmond this August, or maybe performing there with his band if time slots have not all been locked down already. He said that would be cool. I told him no promises, but I'd get in touch with the band. He said, "hey it's cool either way I get to make some new friends from this"...LOL he has NO idea. I bet his friend requests are already blowing up. Bohabs....

So I texted the singer. And we had a lil conversation about it. He thinks it's a damn cool idea and he's gonna bring it up to the other guys. We'll see if anything comes of it.

I'm a little bummed that I can't make it to the festival (GWARBQ) this year...I am just way too broke right now to even consider it, coming off this separation and trying to afford to live on my own, even with a pretty good paycheck coming in, juggling the debt and just trying to get by. I need some time to get my shit back together, and I've decided not to do any serious travel or big costly events until I do. But...it makes me feel good to maybe put this together even if I won't be there to see it.
 
I'm giggling at the 5 guys conversation

and smiling at the GWAR boy being found - how cool is it that you could put this all together like this?!!

Are you all unpacked and settled in now?
 
BrianneGoddess said:
I'm giggling at the 5 guys conversation

and smiling at the GWAR boy being found - how cool is it that you could put this all together like this?!!

Are you all unpacked and settled in now?
Click to expand...

The GWAR networking thing...this isn't the first time I've made some good connections for 'em. There was a guy in Florida who was a home brewer, and he came up with a recipe that was a GWAR tribute. He was friends with the previous singer (the one who died) but then...so was everyone. Thing is, you couldn't talk business with Brockie, because he was so flaky in the head...he'd be like "Yeah, that's a great idea! Call me! We'll make it happen!" and five minutes later he's completely forgotten it and he won't make anything happen. He was a charismatic clown, but not the brain behind the business end of things. Well...I knew how to get in touch with the more management minded, so I sent some emails and passed along some phone numbers. Before ya know it, the band has reached out to beer guy, who happens to be good friends with the owners of Cigar City Brewing out of Tampa, and they're arranging a huge deal to make GWAR Beer for the GWARBQ festival.

In subsequent years, the guy I networked up with GWAR did get cut out of the deal and they were just doing business directly with the brewery...but that was almost bound to happen because the dude was getting kind of egotistical and being a pain in the ass to deal with. Thought this was going to make him a superstar, expected the band to treat him like a high roller all the time, it was a bit ridiculous. But that initial contact was what got the ball rolling on GWAR beer and it continues to be a big thing to this day with a whole new run every year...and now of course the band has opened a bar in Richmond, too. It was a small start to big things and I was happy to help it along.

I'm always on the lookout for cool little opportunities like that. Once in a while something comes of it. It's neat. :)

I've been in GWARBQ commercials which are on Youtube...I was once pressed into service by a friend of the band to be involved in a weird late night PBS horror movie show thing. I've my fun little moments of "fame" with this community over the years. I like having the weird stories to tell.

................

As for being unpacked and settled in. I got the vast majority of it done pretty fast within the first couple of weeks. My stuff is fully unpacked, my decorating done, and the apartment in general looks awesome. My son's room however isn't done...I want to get a small bookshelf to go in there to facilitate some organization that needs to happen. Until I do that, I feel like I'm better leaving some stuff still boxed/bagged and in his closet, just to keep it from cluttering up the place. But spending ANY money on ANYTHING is a dodgy proposition right now, so it's been on hold for a bit. His room is livable and usable, it's just that some of his stuff that's more decorative and non-essential is still boxed. But the motto of my teenagers seems to be, "As long as I've got my computer"...so...

I still have a bit of stuff I need to pick up from Old Wolf's house, but it's stuff that goes straight into my storage unit. I could very well store the things at his place for free, but I learned a lesson from my own parents' divorce and I don't want to do that. My parents actually had it written into the divorce agreement that my Dad would store my Mom's stuff until she could recover it. Well within a couple of years where she was trying to figure out life and failed to retrieve her belongings, my Dad wound up with my Stepmom and she didn't want my Mother's things filling up the basement, so she sold it all at a yard sale. Valuable toys still in boxes from my Mom's childhood...you name it...gone for pennies. My Mom is angry about it to this day.

But the lesson I learned is not to leave your stuff in the custody of people who don't care about it as much as you do. You never know what could happen. I don't see Old Wolf selling my heirlooms, but if he gets another relationship off the ground, his new love interest might. Or he may go rooting around in storage looking for something and just toss a box aside and stuff could get broken. He can be careless and impatient like that. So I do need to get those things more safely stored.

Otherwise...we're in pretty good shape.

In other news, the weather here was beautiful and warm yesterday, and we're expecting a major storm system to roll in today/tonight/tomorrow with rain and hail and snow. Maybe a LOT of snow. Maybe snow measured in feet rather than in inches. :eek: I had plans with my loves this weekend, and ladies' pool tomorrow, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna be trapped at home... That's OK though I've been meaning to get some stuff listed on Ebay so maybe I can get that squared away.
 
The apartment sounds like it already has your stamp of coziness in it! :) And yeah my kids wouldn't care about much around them as long as they had their laptops! haha

The snow sounds crazy - you guys are supposed to be in Spring now! I hope you can get your plans to happen as they need to!
 
The snowstorm was not as bad as I'd feared and I was able to get out and do things this weekend. Basically we had accumulation on all surfaces except pavement, which fortunately retained enough warmth from the previous few days to just be wet. It's still pretty chilly out and snow flurries today but not too bad. Colorado's springtime typically has snow...it just gradually gets warmer in between snow events and eventually, usually sometime in May, we stop getting snow and summer takes over. Actually I think that springtime with no snow is probably a really bad thing. Because odds are that means we are having drought conditions, which means fire. The first couple of years I lived here were that way, we had major fires here in the Springs that destroyed a lot of homes. So while I may be wholeheartedly SICK of winter weather...I have to admit that hey, at least we're not on fire here. Those big ones, we think of wildfires being in like national parks and such, but no, the Waldo Canyon and Black Forest fires were in wooded suburbs, nice neighborhoods. Black Forest is actually horse country and listening to the emergency services radio feeds while they tried to track down and rescue horses in the middle of all that...it was crazy. Just awful.

Friday night was Zen's night. We had our play and went to our favorite Italian place. It's a really nice fancy restaurant, but somehow they charge prices for dinner that are more like Ihop at lunch. I have no idea how they stay in business, maybe it's a front for the mob or something.

Saturday I had my ladies pool league. I won one of my matches and the team won both sets of matches that we played, so on we go to LTCs next month...maybe we'll wind up at Vegas in August. That would be neat, I've never been to Vegas before. I'm not really interested in gambling, but I enjoy pool and I would be spending time with friends that I care about, so that would be pretty cool.

Then went to a burlesque show with Fire and Hefe. That was a great deal of fun. There was a hispanic guy yelling things in Spanish, the gay hosts of the show called him "Taco Guy." Whole thing was pretty silly, but I enjoyed myself. Then we went back to their house and man, I don't know how, but we ended up in the hot tub and talking and the hours went by. Somehow it was 4AM and I finally lost the battle and fell asleep on the couch. It was fantastic to spend time with them. Analyst said something last night to me on the phone, "I think we just all really like to talk." I've been stressing over the fact that I get a kind of inertia, where I don't really push our activities in a sex direction, or really any direction, I'm just enjoying whatever is going on...and we (the quad) just haven't been having sex with each other that much. Maybe it is just as simple as "we all like to talk." I've been asking myself if I'm doing something wrong here...I don't know. I'm always afraid that I'm not doing enough for people.

Anyhow. Then yesterday we met up at a restaurant I like in Old Colorado City, which is one of those "old town" quirky places with the little shops and stuff, this is such a neat restaurant. They have six different kinds of bacon, serve pizza, burgers, breakfast all day and night, and fried ice cream (which is one of my favorite things.) I love the brown sugar baked bacon. So last night I had them make fried ice cream...and put bacon on it. Soooo goood.....

It was supposed to be a munch for the Erotic Hypnosis group, but it just wound up being a bunch of us kinksters sitting around chatting. I was among friends though and so I was happy.

Today I got on fetlife to scan over events and see if I needed to RSVP to anything, and they'd rescheduled the pyro workshop I always go to in Denver for next Sunday night. I went to RSVP and noticed that this SUPER SEXY man I had the hots for last year (and haven't seen since the one "date" we had) is also maybe going. My heart beat a little faster as I tapped "Maybe Going" on my phone screen. Then he started messaging me, asking me how life and kink was treating me. I gave him a bit of a rundown of my current activities, and he said he'd been playing about with polyamory, too. Said that he felt that a lot of folks used it as an excuse to avoid relating on a deeper and more meaningful level with others though, and that it sometimes felt like "the other side of the moon." When last we spoke he was a monogamist but his sub (he was clearly in love with her) had declared herself done with mono and wanting to be poly and he was pretty bent up over all that. So he was sort of willing to date, but kind of...not really. I definitely came on too strong with him, I was reeling from my Worm King experiences, and I really desperately wanted a sexy older sadist to put his strong hands on me...and his strong teeth in me...and other things... And this man, he's the perfect age, he's nerdy and smart and sexy and sensual. At the time I felt that if I played with him, I would surely develop feelings, and I told him so. Now...I'm honestly not so sure. But I kinda like the idea of finding out, though I'm not sure if it's a GOOD idea. I really barely have the time and energy for the relationships I've already got right now. I think that this one would have to be super casual, which normally ain't my thing. I'd have to soul search as to whether I could even DO that, let alone with a man like this one. For one thing, he's in Denver, which is just over an hour away. For another, I don't think he'd want to relationship with someone like me...I feel I'm not what he really seeks in a serious thing, and he's got at least a couple other ladies he plays with these days. But he seems a bit more open to some casual poly-ish fun, and I think he might just be willing to hook up once in a while. Then there is the question of how the people already in my life would feel about it. And I would want to discuss it with them before anything happened...if anything even might happen. So it's a whole lotta "I don't freaking know."

He is really damn sexy though. And he knows his way around a flogger. And a guitar. And he looks quite fine in a kilt.

I'm just scared he'd be "bonfire" material. My eyebrows just (metaphorically) grew back from the Worm King, and I struggle almost daily with my self-imposed "no contact" rule with regard to him.
 
I need a chalkboard that I can occasionally write 100 times on it, "I will not message the Worm King."

Anyone else ever struggle with a self-imposed no contact order?

I don't have time to see him anyways.
...
I tell myself. As though I would not make time, given half a chance.

DAMMIT NO.

Besides. Next weekend I'll hopefully cross paths with the super, super sexy man from Denver. He's lean and tall with full, tousled silver hair. He's got that "naughty nerdy" smile, like Jeff Goldblum has going on, that same mojo about his face. (Which I find devestatingly handsome...just my own taste.) He says that last year he was in a more confusing time in life, but things have settled down now, and he hopes we'll get more opportunities to get to know each other. *swoon!* Seriously though. This notion will be put to the test on Sunday, because I'll be going to pyro with Fire and Hefe. We'll see how comfortable he is with the notion of polyamory then. And it will be intriguing to see if Fire finds him interesting... I really don't know if I would, or will, do anything with him or not. But I like thinking about it!

I swear. I think that part of me just likes that initial game...the "I like you, do you like me? But do you LIKE me, like me? Oh, yes, I would do that...would you, could you...?" All the little innuendos, the chase, the opening moves, the sexual tension and NRE stuff, the sparks and the imagination and the discoveries inherent in the first few encounters... I think it was a near addiction to that process that drove up my partner count so high. I was not trying and failing to find "the one." I was enjoying that newness again and again like taking hits of a drug. I get so excited to learn the stories and share my own stories with new people, too. And I feel like once I've been with someone a while...what newness is there yet to discover? Only each day's small happenings. I start to feel boring, or bored, or both. Restless. On some level I think I'm looking for mental stimulation.

And yet, without those more solid and stable relationships with people who genuinely care, I feel directionless and like my life has no point...so I can't just flutter from one to the next. Let alone the possibility that at any time, the damn FEELS could strike and it sucks when they strike where they ought not to.

So I'm conflicted. I don't know...

If anything interesting comes of next Sunday's meeting with tall, dark & naughty, I shall come up with a nickname. (Feels almost like declaring a relationship status at this point...ohh, he's got a nickname, is it getting SERIOUS??? HA!! :D )
 
Last night I met up with Analyst for dinner. It was so good to spend time with him, but left me wanting more. He is so golden and lovely and snarky and smart. And his voice is so nice, I wish I could get him to sing to me once in a while. I went one night with the quad to a karaoke thing and while I didn't sing because I'm terrible at it and I hate my voice (an abomination I wouldn't subject my loved ones to!) I so enjoyed hearing Analyst, and Hefe and Fire sing. They all have wonderful singing voices.

What can I say, I'm an artist, but I've got a thing for musicians. *shrug* Of course my Analyst is an artist and a maker, too. With his metalsmithing and his 3D printing, building computers and hacking of gadgets. He is very clever.

He is looking to buy an apartment, maybe in the same general area where I live, but most definitely "in town." Right now he lives wayyy out in the middle of nowhere. It's a nuisance of a drive not just for distance, but really more because it's out a badly washboarded gravel road, and the vehicles owned by the rest of us just have a hard time with it. I know Hefe's SUV sustained some damage from making that drive, and I think that it at least exacerbated the issues I was having with my shocks & struts that had to be replaced...

Well anyhow. Dinner was wonderful. I hope and intend to get together with him for sexytime this weekend, hopefully Friday night.

Then I went down to Old Wolf's house to visit Ninja and run some laundry. Had a long phone conversation with my Dad while I was there. Old Wolf doesn't get home until 10:30 but I know he's been struggling with some difficult emotional stuff, and I felt that a small dose of garage therapy wouldn't go amiss. As I've said...I think I'll always care about him to at least some degree, so once in a while I don't mind giving him some of my time. I waited around, spent some time with Ninja, took a nap, eventually he got home and we sat for maybe 45 minutes or so out there talking. He's definitely had moments where he's considered throwing himself on my mercy and trying to get me back. Unfortunately though, it really truly is too late for that. It was too late on April 14, 2015 really with the brandishing of a loaded gun during our big fight and all...but even if I could somehow believe he had really changed, was truly sorry, etc. ...I've moved on. He's solidly mono and it would kill him to try and share me. I wouldn't attempt such a thing. And I'm not about to drop the wonderful people in my life now to go back to him. On top of the fact that I don't feel emotionally safe enough to share intimacy in a genuine way with him, and the fact that this means I'll never be passionate enough to "make him feel wanted." And add the weight to the scale of how badly he treated Q. So yes, my heart may be moved to sadness and compassion on his behalf, but it just isn't a tragedy that is within my power to mend. And there are others who deserve my energy a great deal more, starting with my youngest child.

On the bright side, the nice older lady he's been dating is really into him, and while he is...uncertain...about that relationship and still dealing with stuff, at least he has her to spend some time with. He's not totally all alone.

Today I'll see Zen, we will do lunch and maybe also get together tonight after Q's counseling. Then he's going out of town for about a week. Much as I adore him, I am feeling good about this, because I want to put what time and energy I can into the others in my quad while he is gone visiting his Dad. Intimacy with Zen is a pretty extreme business, generally involving some significant pain-kink. I love this, and he just brilliantly plays out my body to these pinnacles of super-intense sensation (the pain, and forced O's, that sort of stuff)...but man, there are times I kind of want a break from that intensity and to have a different sort of experience. Analyst and I haven't had anything but the rare and occasional morning quickie after an overnight at Fire & Hefe's place in like...forever. I spend so much time worrying that I'm neglecting my lovers, that it's come as a bit of a surprise to me realizing that my own needs and wants are piping up here.

And I'm also sorta struggling to give my inner introvert a little recharge time in the peace and quiet of my lovely apartment... That's a rare commodity, it's like I'm there exacty long enough to be a presence in Q's life and to make sure the housework doesn't get neglected.

I think that's the biggest challenge I've got with polyamory. I feel like my schedule is terribly full and I'm stretched a little thin here.
 
As an introvert, I absolutely know how you feel about having a busy schedule and just needing some down time to recharge! Between 1 partner I see several days a week, another I'm seeing once every other week, plus any other family and social plans.... I find myself in a position where I've just started dating a 3rd person who also has a busy schedule like me and while it's fun, I'm sometimes asking myself "why are you filling your already busy schedule with more things?!"
 
breathemusic said:
As an introvert, I absolutely know how you feel about having a busy schedule and just needing some down time to recharge! Between 1 partner I see several days a week, another I'm seeing once every other week, plus any other family and social plans.... I find myself in a position where I've just started dating a 3rd person who also has a busy schedule like me and while it's fun, I'm sometimes asking myself "why are you filling your already busy schedule with more things?!"
Click to expand...

I am perhaps a bit strange. I wouldn't say that I AM an introvert, so much as I'm like...part introvert. I'm not even seeing it as a spectrum, I'm pretty extremely one or the other at any given time. Like I love my HUGE social groups, and I do have a need for people. Lots of them. But...I also need my space that is mine alone and my quiet time in it. I like to travel by myself, it makes me feel very free. I am very comfortable and happy in my own company and with my own thoughts.

But if I'm alone too much, I crave big gatherings, the energy of a large group, and making connections with individuals in it. If I'm oversaturated with social activity, I crave solitude. Social activity exhausts me but solitude eventually makes me restless. I have to find a balance.
 
So I'm in a tricky spot.

It's about money... I'm stressed about it. I need to bring in more than what I'm bringing in. I have trimmed back my spending as much as I can and now I have no choice but to look at the other end of the equation.

Also, I'm not 100% sure about my long term job security, and I have no savings (I'm in debt) and I rely completely on my paycheck to live. I cannot get hired making more than what I make unless/until I finish my degree. That would take just under 2 years to do. However, I have no passion and thus no enthusiasm for this field or that idea...

Making more money will take an investment of time. Time IS money. This is the problem. My schedule is packed, and I already feel like I'm neglecting 3 out of 4 of my relationships. That's the main issue.

Get past that, and pretend I can magically generate more time (like, could I maybe just give up sleeping or something...?) and the conundrum I face is this:

Option 1: Go back to school. Eases up current budget because I can defer student loan payments I'm currently making, and take out additional loans at low(er) interest and use those funds to smack down credit card balances. Would result in more student loan debt in the long run, and a commitment to spend a certain number of additional years in the accounting field. But I presently have just over 60% of my BA in it, and 15 years job experience in accounting/auditing/financial analysis work. Staying in my field would be a "safe" option, and in the long run, the most profitable one. Unfortunately, thinking about it gives me a bad case of the screamin', kickin', "I don't wanna!" and I have a hard time keeping my morale and motivation high when I work in this kind of job. And the idea of going further into student loan debt from deferral and borrowing more, bugs me. So does the idea of committing to invest a whole lot more of my life (years) in this field. I'm comfortable with 5-10...not "until retirement" which in my case is over 20 more years (I'm 37.)

Option 2: Start making and selling art, sculptural furniture, paintings, etc. In order to equal the effect of student loan deferment AND the loan dispersal proceeds on my budget in the short run, I'd have to be bringing in $500/month doing this. As well as keeping my current full time desk job. I have an intense desire to work with my hands and make/create/build. I come from a family of carpenters and artists, I think it might be in my blood. Doing work that doesn't bring a sense of having MADE something, is just not satisfying. In the long run, I have an entrepreneurial idea I'd like to pursue but I'm afraid to take the risk until a.) My youngest child is grown, and b.) I'm out of debt. This is the other thing that makes this notion appealing...It involves easing up my current budget problems WITHOUT leveraging debt to do it. There is actually a market for what I want to sell, I know who my buyers would be, and the $500/month would be challenging, but possible.

Thing is... In order to do college classes, OR to create enough art to make $500/month, I need to invest TIME into either thing. I'm afraid that I just...need more money in my life for a while (at least temporarily until I can get these debts under control) than even the best 40 hour job I can possibly have or get, is going to pay. I need to put more than 40 hours a week into making money. But in order to do THAT, I'm afraid I'd have to short change my relationships, including my relationships with my kids, my lovers, my friends...on time even more than I already am...and I already worry that I don't give them enough, and feel that I need more time with them than I'm getting. And no, I cannot make art with them in the room hanging out. I need to be alone to do that, for the most part, at least in early stages of projects.

So that's my stress. I'd love to hear any advice that anyone cares to give, especially those who are either successful or older, have lived, have learned. Can't guarantee that I'll follow suggestions, but I am very interested in any input anyone might have. I'm chewing on this problem pretty hard today.
 
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Hmmm, you say that you feel like you're neglecting your relationships... but do your partners feel that way? Or is it just you? If they don't feel that way, then it might just be in your head.... unless you feel like YOU are being neglected in those relationships, but that's not what I got from your post.

I think one of the best things that you can do is talk to them about if they're good with the amount of time/sex/love/affection/communication/etc. is good and if they're happy with things. You could even discuss what things would look like if you had LESS time and just see where they stand.

Before you worry too much an beat yourself up about the situation, I'd say first just make sure the neglect isn't all just in your head!
 
breathemusic said:
Hmmm, you say that you feel like you're neglecting your relationships... but do your partners feel that way? Or is it just you? If they don't feel that way, then it might just be in your head.... unless you feel like YOU are being neglected in those relationships, but that's not what I got from your post.

I think one of the best things that you can do is talk to them about if they're good with the amount of time/sex/love/affection/communication/etc. is good and if they're happy with things. You could even discuss what things would look like if you had LESS time and just see where they stand.

Before you worry too much an beat yourself up about the situation, I'd say first just make sure the neglect isn't all just in your head!
Click to expand...

Well, taking them one at a time...

Zen gets plenty. He's happy. He lives really close, and we have a routine of dedicated lunch on Wednesday, visit on Friday night (with unspoken understanding that sex will almost always happen) thing going on.

Analyst I know for a fact isn't getting his needs met. We do talk about this. He believes that the problem is entirely in the fact that he lives far off (down a nasty gravel road that eats cars) and none of us want to drive out there. So he is planning on moving into town. He doesn't really want to go to Voodoo or large-group dynamic social events. He wants "family time" with just our quad, and he wants sexytime with just the ladies in the quad. We do get together from time to time, and do fun things and hang out...but sexual intimacy in particular isn't happening often enough. He lives alone, and his isolation is a problem, for him, and for Fire (who worries and cares) and for me (worry, care, want more of him.) On top of that, my own emotional burden to bear in that he paid for some costly vehicle repairs for me, and he pays for our meals, and he puts a lot of money into the relationship-quad, and I have some guilt for not putting more time and effort into seeing him and meeting his sex needs. That is merely another factor adding weight to the situation, I certainly want him and don't just feel obligated because of money. I feel like I'm not pulling my weight in that relationship on multiple levels. It bothers me. I am deeply thankful for his help and I know that he's happy to do it, and he can afford it...but I want to find a way to balance overall contributions; I feel that I am not giving him enough, and I know that he is not getting as much as he would like.

Fire and I tried to have sexytime just the two of us really just once...we both seem to be a little awkward about it. It's been many years since I was with a woman (like over 20 years) and she is...different from me, in what she likes. But I adore her and would love to put more time and energy into exploring what we can do for one another and getting more comfortable. But I feel like both of us are more concerned with the men's needs...at least I am so used to being a "source", my energy needing to be put into my male partner, and viewing sexual relationships that way. Also I love talking to her so freaking much that I'm alright with just that, her mind and personality are a joy to engage with. She has her husband, and two other men she sees outside of our quad, and maybe even the opportunity to play with the female sub of one of her other guys....so I'm not really sure if she feels that she is lacking anything, merely because she might not be getting it in our group. She's got other stresses in life that are probably more significant. She is the only one in the group where sometimes I feel like I need a little reassurance that we're still ok, feel a slight insecurity along those "Do you still like me?" lines.

Hefe...well, he is married to Fire and he lives with Fire, and he's used to being married. Unlike Analyst, I think that Hefe would not be above a little swinging or a casual hookup if he just wanted to get laid, and he knows that he is "allowed" to do such things if he wants (I think...but I'm pretty sure.) I feel that Analyst's choice to ONLY have Fire and I in his life is a "harder" boundary (even if he chose it for himself) than Hefe's, though for the time being, Hefe has chosen the same. He seems reasonably happy with what he has, and has not complained of any lack, but I'm sure that if anyone asked him "would you like to have sex more often?" he'd probably say "yeah, that'd be great, sign me up!" Honestly...I really enjoy the heck out of him in bed, he's fun in an entirely different way than my other lovers. I'd like more time with him. I think he'd like more time with me. But with him...I get more of a feeling of, "sure maybe it could be better, but hey...it's good."
 
Hm. Friday night is usually Zen's night with me, but he is out of town. I let the quad know that my weekend was more free than usual, and I got in touch with Analyst yesterday to let him know that if nothing else was going on, I wanted to visit him with a sex date at his place in mind. He said that sounded great. Now though, a friend from his time in the military is in town and he wants us all to do dinner. So we are doing that. I won't be surprised if sex doesn't happen for us this weekend, we have activities planned tomorrow night and Sunday night, too. I feel kind of like we're becoming just a group of friends that hangs out and is comfortable being naked together. Part of me is ok with that, part of me isn't, and part of me is insecure that if sexual bonds aren't maintained, the whole thing might just fall apart. That's irrational worrying though, I think. But I'm identifying it, trying to pin it down and understand it. Analyst says he wants to be my boyfriend for as long as I'll have him, and he often says he wants sex more, and he said to me not long ago that we need to schedule just a sex date. But I feel like times I try to make that work out, something else is just always going on. And honestly I've really been craving physical intimacy for the last few days, and on a purely emotional level I'm feeling a bit sad and disappointed, which is weird I guess given how much I LOVE social interaction. I want to meet his friend, and I love to hear his stories. But it's a little like taking a sip of tea when you thought you had a glass of Coke in your hand. Or something.

Looking back at my last week or so of posts here, the fact that I've struggled not to contact the Worm King (literally every single time I saw him WAS a sex-focused encounter) and I'm piqued by the idea of seeing that man in Denver who will be at the pyro workshop, and I was even tempted to reactivate my OKC profile...it all points to a restless desire to get laid, at the least. I'm so used to not even thinking about my own needs (it's a new thing for me really) that this sort of crap sneaks up on me, and confuses me probably more than it ought to. It's almost kind of funny.
 
I decided to give this its own post, instead of rambling endlessly in my last one.

http://manifestdestinytriforce.blogspot.ca/2015/09/the-science-of-stress-orgasm-and.html?m=1

Someone shared a link in a Facebook group today. It basically said that when a woman is in the right frame of mind for sexual arousal, it also means that she is in a healthy frame of mind to be at her most functional, and creative, etc. and the factors that shut down women's arousal responses stem from stress chemicals and feelings of being unsafe. The article, I think attempted to make this point that the female reproductive system is the barometer of her entire self and her mental and emotional wellbeing, thus her contributions to the world around her, her very self and core and soul (it barely stopped short of saying that a woman's soul was housed in her vagina.) Welllll......I think that's putting the cart before the horse a bit. I must insist that human beings are more than walking life support for our genitals. But I do think that sexual health is a holistic part of the entire creature and as an indicator...a factor...sure, that makes sense.

Or, more to the point, highlighting the stress factors that can cause women to "shut down" sexually is useful because that is such a factor in the decline of longterm relationships.

The article talked about women needing to be "relaxed" to enjoy arousal, which I don't agree with very much. I know that different women seem to need different headspace to really enjoy sex fully...for me, the best is one where there is some tension and excitement built up...I call it "windup" because I feel like I've got a tightly wound spring inside of potential sexual energy. I'm not exactly "relaxed." What is the stress that shuts me down? Feeling legitimately disrespected and diminished as a person. Not in a play sense, but in an actual sense. And the article talks about how this sort of stressing happens as a form of cultural manipulation in a broader sense...that even the slang used for women's parts is a means of making us shameful, disgusted, and inhibited...thus releasing stress hormones and causing unsafe feelings and keeping women basically oppressed from accomplishing things.

Well, I don't know about systemic oppression, but I can say this: My ex absolutely used the "p-word" as an insult constantly, he used phrases like "bumpin' uglies" to describe sex, and he made me feel disrespected in very real ways. His single biggest complaint about our marriage was our sex life. I didn't "want him" and I "treated it like a chore." From my end, while intellectually I wanted our marriage to work at least until the children were grown, I could not make myself enthusiastic about sex. Thinking of it made me shrink and want to hide, deep shame feelings and a strong desire for avoidance. Yet when it happened, I often went along with it and I did enjoy it on some levels. But I would never want to talk about my desires or fantasies, or do anything really adventurous with him. He thought I had no libido and no sense of romance. And he's hurt by the fact that (I've kept it no secret) now I'm being VERY adventurous with an array of partners sometimes, and I'm "into things now" that I wasn't "into" then. This is part of why he occasionally comes on to me. He figures that "she does that" now. He can't understand why I wouldn't do "things" with him...and figures it's because I don't find him attractive. And as protective as he was, he doesn't understand when I say that I didn't feel safe with him. I didn't feel emotionally safe with him. I didn't like the way he saw me, and I still don't.

I read something else, that I'll paraphrase, on a blog yesterday: "He was like a freight train when it came to verbalizing his internal monologue." That was my ex all over again. He was bad at listening. He would talk for hours...days, even...and to get a word spoken, one had to interrupt in ways that I was raised to believe were rude. He made me feel less than a person, because he didn't seem to have an interest in anything I liked, felt, or thought. It was like he was just waiting for me to shut up so he could speak, or he'd just speak over me and shut me down. And yet oddly, he'll pick up random bits of my speech and focus intensely on them, overanalyze them and make much of them, until they become like part of his own personal scripture. This often made me feel that it was unsafe to speak my mind anyways, because there was no telling what little piece he might take out of context and blow out of proportion. These issues with basic commication, respect, shame-language and emotional lack of safety...these were the problem.

I sent him the article. It won't make one bit of sense to him, and he'll dismiss it because it talks all about people who have vaginas, and he doesn't have one, so it has no relevance to his life.

I'm not sure why I'm so stubborn about trying to beat ideas into his head. I'm supposed to just not care at all, to treat my ex like everyone treats an ex, as a sort of frenemy or worse, to move on and not look back. I'm supposed to hate the women he brings into his life after me. I'm supposed to try and take him to court and take as much as I can from him in a divorce. That's how normal people do. But I ain't normal people. And for me, really really understanding why and how the longest relationship of my life failed despite my best efforts to hold it together with sheer stubborn force of will...for some reason it is important.

Actually, I know it's also very important for me to keep in mind the many reasons why he is mentally dysfunctional in ways that he can't change and no one can change. Because I cannot ever let him persuade me that we should give this another chance, and I've got a scary little piece of my spirit that still loves him (if not in the way he would prefer) and is sometimes tempted. Especially when money is tight and the material logistics of life are stressful.

/End mental wander-ramble.
 
Spork said:
Part of me is ok with that, part of me isn't, and part of me is insecure that if sexual bonds aren't maintained, the whole thing might just fall apart.
Click to expand...

I totally get this. I'm feeling a lot like this with Blue, at the moment. Between my crazy work schedule and some minor crisis in my extended family/friends, Blue & I haven't had time for sex this week...or even any alone time really. Throw in the fact that he's in NRE with his newer LDR relationship who I haven't yet met, and the fact that the last time we had sex, neither one of us was really into it for various reasons, and I'm feeling really insecure. Physical touch is one of both of our primary love languages so almost a week of no sex has me feeling disconnected from him :( I hate that lack of physical intimacy makes me feel that way, but it is what it is. And, I feel it more acutely with him than past lovers because he has a really high sex drive and I feel like I'm failing him...though I know that's not the case, and that it's not my responsibility to meet all his sexual needs. I mean, that is the great thing about poly :) Idk, I have no answers, I just wanted to commiserate ;)
 
PinkPig said:
I totally get this. I'm feeling a lot like this with Blue, at the moment. Between my crazy work schedule and some minor crisis in my extended family/friends, Blue & I haven't had time for sex this week...or even any alone time really. Throw in the fact that he's in NRE with his newer LDR relationship who I haven't yet met, and the fact that the last time we had sex, neither one of us was really into it for various reasons, and I'm feeling really insecure. Physical touch is one of both of our primary love languages so almost a week of no sex has me feeling disconnected from him :( I hate that lack of physical intimacy makes me feel that way, but it is what it is. And, I feel it more acutely with him than past lovers because he has a really high sex drive and I feel like I'm failing him...though I know that's not the case, and that it's not my responsibility to meet all his sexual needs. I mean, that is the great thing about poly :) Idk, I have no answers, I just wanted to commiserate ;)
Click to expand...

Thanks! :) Sometimes there are no easy answers. I generally feel pretty reassured whenever I get a chance to be with my loves, but then when we are apart, I look at things and wonder and worry. Actually, a big part of the problem is that we are aren't in strong communication (at least they aren't with me) when we're apart. I guess Analyst and Fire talk on the phone for hours, and Fire and Hefe of course live together. I get the occasional phone call with Analyst, but maybe I'm not as interesting to talk to. I don't know. Probably they assume I'm busy. Sometimes they're right.

I think I'm also having a hard time feeling secure with the quad, is that my budget has become so tight and it's likely to stay that way a while. Like...I can pay my bills, but there is no safety net. No buffer. Nothing for an emergency or a rainy day. I'm living paycheck to paycheck. And these folks, they aren't in debt like I am...their finances are, I think, healthier than mine. I don't want Analyst to think I might be a risk for taking advantage, and I don't want to be the only one who can't afford to pick up the tab for dinner, and I am just not used to being in this position. It makes me feel like a crummy girlfriend to these awesome people who are so very together compared to how I'm living right now. And that, in turn, makes me pissed at myself for sticking with Old Wolf so long. If only I'd left him a year ago, money would not suck so bad now. :mad: I waited for things to get better, and they got worse.

My love language thing resulted in:

1. "Words of validation."

2. and 3. Tied for the next spot were "Quality Time" and "Touch." They are just barely behind "Words."

4. "Gifts" I didn't like how the questions in the survey I took were worded about this. I actually love very much to give and receive gifts, but only very specifically chosen "perfect" gifts. I love choosing and giving them. It's a matter of knowing your recipient really well, and giving them something that combines their own interests with a dash of the giver's character, too. Or else remembering that your recipient mentioned something particular and giving them that. If a man tells me I'm hard to shop for, I'll actually get a little offended. I'm not. I collect all sorts of things. I'm very lukewarm about generic gifts (the whole flowers/candy shtick--and I hate diamonds & gold.) So it's a very situational business, gifting.

5. "Acts of Service" (way down at the bottom far behind the others) yeah I actually get uncomfortable when people do this one, though I've been known to do it sometimes, can actually make me resentful or anxious.
 
While I was married, I stopped keeping The List. The last incarnation was lost many years and relocations ago.

Ya'll know what List I mean. That List.

For a long while it seemed important to remember their names. There were quite a bunch of 'em, and I was a stoner when I was a teenager, so I could forget, my brain cells aren't above forgetting stuff. And that would be...I dunno...kinda wrong. So I had the List. But yeah, for long stretches of years, I just didn't care. Once in a while if I was really, REALLY bored and couldn't find a single thing to occupy my attention, I'd get an urge to attempt to recreate The List from memory. I found that eventually I'd be a name or two short from the numerical total I knew I had...and it bugged me a little but I forgot about it and moved on. I didn't care that much.

Well, since my marriage ended, and I began adding more partners to my history, I figured I should, once again, keep The List. But...

Try as I might, and try I did, I was a name short!! WHO WAS I FORGETTING?? Weeks went by. Months. Names got added. Names got rearranged as I tried to recall their chronological order. I had fifteen different partners in my 11th grade year of high school alone, so sorting my personal history was...a project. Yay for spreadsheets! I wondered who that forgotten name was.

And then yesterday, absolutely out of nowhere as I was driving up the road, it came to me!! Unbelievable!! I was stunned that I'd finally remembered who I was forgetting, because frankly, he was forgettable and probably better off forgotten. A neighbor of my Great-Aunt's, an older man (late 20's to my 17 years old) who lived with his mother. Aunt J. knew his Mom and she warned me not to mess with Brian, because he wasn't anything but trouble.

Well...I don't know about trouble really. Cazzy sex for a gal who was protected, he wasn't too bad. I vaguely recall fuzzy frizzy brown curly hair and that he played the guitar and lived in his mother's basement and that was pretty much it. I don't remember being particularly disappointed, in love, hurt, or otherwise troubled by him. I hit that for a minute and then moved on, it wasn't really a big deal at the time. I suppose Aunt J and others judged him because he was a bad prospect for escalator stuff, but in my teen years I found it so easy just to hop in there and have some fun and keep it from being too serious.

But I feel so relieved to have remembered him!! Now my list is complete! The virgins, the three twins, the vampires and hippies and metalhead boys, the geeks and the nerds, the players and the played, girls and boys, puppies and kitties and dragons oh my, the musicians and artists, the writers and deep thinkers. Brilliant minds and sexy bodies.

That guy, you know...he honestly wasn't that important. Not then, and certainly not now. But for some reason, the recovery of his name and completion of the List, a collection of information that used to be very important to me, makes me feel so much more like myself again...
 
Yes, Magdlyn, I am pretty sure you shared it with me upthread.

And I thought that some of the things sounded like him, and a few even sounded like my behaviors in that relationship.

Honestly the whole damn thing was just a seriously toxic mess by the end...I just have a habit of chewing on things, and tossing the words out on a screen, just like journaling, helps me to sort and analyze, get a handle on my chaotic emotional stuff..."stow my baggage" as it were.

But thank you. :)

...........

So this was a hell of a busy weekend. We got together with Analyst and his military buddy, a real Walter White looking fellow, at a nice Italian place for dinner Friday night. Then, much to my happy relief, Analyst and I did go out to his place and had lots of great sexytime. I needed that.

Saturday night was the Sextasy Ball at a bar downtown. Voodoo had presenters doing tastings there, which are supposed to be lighter and briefer versions of certain types of BDSM scenes. Such events are designed to sort of advertise the club, show people on the outside what we do, and get them interested in coming and buying memberships. Of course tons of the regulars (friends) show up to such things and a great time was had by all.

One bit of a downer though, I guess (not a huge one...just a learning experience I hope, for everyone) was that I got injured a little during a fire play "tasting"... The woman was one who generally talks like she is in the top tiers of proficiency for this stuff, very "we're the experts; don't try this at home" attitude. And yet. I've been going to the pyro workshops for months, and while I don't have a ton of hands on experience, I know a lot of wise things about fire play. She made some mistakes, and I wound up with some nasty burns and deep bruises on my back. One fire technique is using White Rain mousse (yes, the brand matters, some don't work) and making a cool pattern on the skin and lighting it. You get a few good lights off of it, and then it starts to break down a bit and it's pretty much "spent." Generally that's when you wipe the stuff off with a wet towel and get on with the rest of your scene. Well, she didn't. She took a fire wand soaked in alcohol and did little splatty smooshy boppy dabs in the spent mousse on my skin. It hurt quite a bit and it was during this process that I got a burn that blistered up later. But as I enjoy pain, I popped into headspace and didn't really process that I was being damaged and should stop the scene. Which is also a factor of having such an experienced and confident Top...it's too easy to assume they totally know what they're doing. And knowing what I know about fire, I really shouldn't have assumed something so dumb. But anyhow. So that bit happened, and then she moved on to the cupping. Well, I know from pyro class that for cupping, you should only EVER use cups made and sold for that purpose. They are designed with a thicker rim to protect the skin, for one thing. And it's not like they're costly or anything. She was using tumblers and shot glasses. She oiled me up and got strong suction on 'em and then started moving them around. Because she let them get deep holds on my skin, she had to really put some ass into shoving them up and down my back. And I'd already been burned, she had the wrong glasses, and she had deep suction on 'em (it's better to move them around with shallow to moderate suction) and it felt like she was just tearing up my back. I actually got to the point where I nearly called "red" on it, when the glasses started losing hold and coming off anyways. So I breathed through it and it was over. It was only later that we assessed the situation and discovered burns and stuff. So now I have to talk to her...and I'm not at all looking forward to it, because though she seems like a kind and friendly soul, and I know she needs this feedback, I don't know her that well. And some tops can get defensive. I don't want to go on the attack about this but I hope to find a way to let it be a learning experience for all of us. And frankly, as someone who wants to top for fire one day, I value it as such personally.

So fortuitously, pyro class was last night up in Denver, the night after the Ball and the tasting gone awry. I was able to describe my experience and the techniques involved to a room full of people who are learning about fire play, and then remove my shirt and show them the result. As I'm all about learning, I was happy that hopefully this could help others learn. And the AWESOME lady who owns that space makes all kinds of lotions and oils and salves and stuff and she made me a balm of beeswax, lavender, tea tree, coconut oil, and such (smells amazing) and did some care on my back for me. It feels much better today!

Also, the man I had the hots for last year was there with his sub. I had spoken briefly to her in messages before. She was really quiet, kind of subdued almost, but there at the end we got to talking about Doctor Who and she became a little more animated. He suggested we hang out more, maybe catch dinner before pyro next month or something. I was very happy that since my masochistic needs are now being met and I'm not in a state of lacking something important in my love life, I didn't feel so hungry for him. I was happy to see him, and I'm at least moderately open to possibilities as time and circumstance permit, but I'm not reaching for anything there. And that is a much more comfortable place to be. I'm going to tentatively nickname him Sabre. It had to be some sort of blade, he is a lean, tall, deep grey and silver haired man and he loves knife and sword play. A quick, fiery Aries who is all about metal and machines and blades. I don't think, really, that I could relationship with him. He is more of a Dom than he is merely a sadist/top kind of guy. And he's geographically disadvantaged, so I'd rarely see him. But he seems prepared to engage in friendship and maybe some casual play later. At this point, with my life as busy as it is, that suits me just fine.
 
SO MUCH BUSY.

I keep checking in with my 14 year old. He is very absorbed in a video game he's been playing the last couple of months. To the point where he doesn't want to do much of anything else. I feel guilty for having so much going on, and leaving him alone in the apartment this often...but I'm 100% confidant that playing that game is what's occupying his time, and he's difficult for me to drag away from it even when I'm there. He likes that I'm giving him cash and letting him walk to the grocery store next door and get what he wants. He's enjoying the independence. This is the kid who CAN'T WAIT to get his first job with a real paycheck, who is forever teaching himself skills like languages, programming, stop motion animation, and various musical instruments. He wants to do his own thing, for himself, and he's pretty good at it. But I still feel guilty. It's that one thing I struggle with the most. I stretch myself a bit thin sometimes, and then have to battle that deep paranoia that I'm letting everyone down even if signs point to "you're not."

But it's ok. I'm ok. They are ok. It's ok.

Yesterday I ended up going down to Voodoo for their monthly top skills workshop, because this time it was on fire play, and since I've got a burned back, I wanted to show my injuries (without naming names) and describe the techniques that led to them, and just put that out there as a bit of added learnin' for the group. So I did that. And I ended up talking to the owner of the club about the situation, and she's...well, she's pretty upset. I told her that I'm not mad, I'll heal just fine. I don't even really want an apology from the top who did this to me, I just want to find the right words to give her the feedback I need to, and try not to come off as confrontational. Which is hard because I don't know when I'll see her in person, and this is gonna suck to have to do by text. I'm a total conflict avoider, it's really hard for me to approach her. But she definitely needs to know, and it's definitely the right thing to do. *sigh* Gotta find the words.

Meanwhile, I am healing up nice, so that is good. Tonight I have a dinner date with Hefe. His birthday is fast approaching and I'm struggling a bit, not sure what to give him...
 
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