The story of Spork.

Yeah, it was wanting something for myself but not feeling comfortable asking for it... coupled with my own special little asshole of an insecurity gremlin.

Like most people who try and project this self-assured, "cool" and confident and extroverted demeanor, underneath there lies insecurity and a fear that I'm actually not liked/likeable or loved/loveable. It's like...at first, people are pretty enthusiastic about me right? I'm new, they're new, we're all really excited about the new thing. I'm crazy cool and super fun. But once I've pretty much told all of my stories, done all of my tricks, I feel at a bit of a loss as to what I should be doing to keep people engaged and interested in me. The gremlin starts whimpering away and constantly wondering if people still like me or not, once they've had a chance to see what's under the surface. A regular person. Kind of boring actually. And not capable of sustaining endless amounts of high energy longterm. My gremlin drives me to seek all kinds of validation and ego stroking, which I then feel lame and needy for wanting, rinse and repeat. I'm my own worst enemy, and I know it.

So when I feel something weird, especially if it's at odds with what I believe logically is my stance, and how I know I want to behave in a relationship, I feel it's time to check myself. Self check step one is: Are there physical reasons contributing? Have I eaten and slept enough today, do I have hormonal nonsense going on? Step two: Did somebody poke the gremlin? Is it the gremlin talking? Do I need to shake my fondue fork at him and remind him who's boss?

Those self checks have to happen before I can even consider whether someone else did anything right or wrong. And usually, resolving those is enough to put the matter to rest for me.

What's kinda cool is that my lifestyle in the last year or so since the marriage ended is what brought me to a place where I'm consciously aware of this stuff. I didn't even have the space to THINK about my own needs before that. I wouldn't even, as a base example, recognize that I should eat until my blood sugar was crashing and I was trembling and getting a headache. The phrase "finding yourself" used to sound so trite to me...but I've only recently realized how lost I was. Making myself a priority in most ways is a whole new animal for me, and I'm still figuring out how to do it.
 
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I sympathize.
I am learning too. I am learning that although some of my expectations are off I can have in some sense much more from life then my family has led me to believe. That I can be brave with deciding and telling what I want and that it pays off.
You seem to be good at creating the life you want with just occasional little stumble :)
Spork said:
Yeah, it was wanting something for myself but not feeling comfortable asking for it... coupled with my own special little asshole of an insecurity gremlin.
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Those self checks have to happen before I can even consider whether someone else did anything right or wrong. And usually, resolving those is enough to put the matter to rest for me.
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I don't think anyone did anything wrong. And I think you could still ask for a fun evening yourself :) It will perhaps not be as spontaneuos, but it will be good time with your partners.
(BTW I am much younger then you and I never had all night stamina.)
 
Yesterday was a good day to be the Analyst!

He lives out in the boonies, and he wants to move into town so he can be closer to work and to "his girls" (Fire and me.) So yesterday we were house-hunting. He has not explained to the agent his relationships with us, and we do a lot of small love-gestures and looks and touches, all of us.

It was HILARIOUS.

The agent was first asking us little questions like, "So are you two his roommates? Going to move in with him?" And I said, "No, we don't live together." And Fire said, "We like our space." And he looked so confused.

The wheels turned in his head. Between properties, we followed in Analyst's car, and I told Fire and Analyst that I was being very entertained watching the agent trying to figure us out, and just waiting for him to come out and ask.

Finally at the last property he got Analyst alone, and he said, "<Analyst>? Do you have two girlfriends?" And A. replies, "Yes. Yes, I do." The realtor said, "You've got to tell me how you do that!" Analyst said, "First, and most importantly...be honest."

So anyhow, Analyst got to brag a little on the kind of money he's got and the kind of great credit he's got and the fact that he's got two girlfriends, and well I think it was a good day for his ego. That makes me happy. Also, house hunting is just plain fun, and now I get to keep an eye on listings and give him bits of advice here and there, and it's an enjoyable thing. He's taking my son and I out for dinner and a movie tonight. :)
 
Well, my son decided he didn't want to go out with us last night, and he stayed home. I would have pushed harder to get him to join us, just to get out of the apartment, but when I got home to pick him up, he was getting in the shower, and I wasn't trying to wait for him and be late to meeting Analyst for dinner.

So I said, "Fine then" and off I went. We went to this Brazilian churrasco place that I freaking LOVE...if any of you have access to a Tucanos and you haven't tried it yet, GO. It's pricey, so not a thing to do often, but very worthwhile occasionally. I ate so much food.

We decided to put off doing the movie. Honestly there isn't a lot playing right now that interests me much, but I was kind of intrigued by maybe seeing The Jungle Book in 3D. It's supposed to have some really amazing CGI and there are some excellent voice actors involved. I love visual effects of all sorts and especially those optimized for 3D (yes, I loved Avatar and saw it a whole bunch of times in the theater.) Unfortunately though, none of the showtimes for 3D lined up well with our evening. And then on top of all that, Analyst and I both stuffed ourselves silly and our ability to remain awake was in question.

So we went our seperate ways and I talked on the phone with my Mom last night and did some laundry. My poor Mom, one of her cats died and she is very sad. But we had a hours-long rambling conversation about everything and anything and maybe it helped to distract her a bit.

The weather is finally nice here, though we expect some rain this weekend. It's a hard day to be stuck at work, because it's gorgous outside and I know it won't last. Hoping we just get thunderstorms and nothing icky and cold and wretched like snow or whatever...I do like thunderstorms.

Tonight is Zen's night. I'm so looking forward to seeing him. Although it's "shark week" I don't really care and he doesn't either, and I need some intimate attention...which he is VERY good at providing. He says he's bought some new toys, so since it's also First Fridays (kink community bar get together thing) he says he plans to keep it "brief but intense." That sounds fine by me! Tomorrow I plan to spend time with the quad, and also to go to a party at Voodoo, and then Sunday is Mother's Day and Old Wolf has volunteered to cook a spaghetti dinner, so I can come over and spend time with the boys, and we'll play cards or something. He's actually been really reasonable and easy to talk to lately, and not making me feel as weird or paranoid that he's got ulterior motives like trying to get back together with me (even fleetingly or sexually) so...I begin to hope that the next stage where we actually try to be friends as we said we were going to do, might actually work out.
 
Q made me so mad earlier. :mad:

He called from school, said there is an orchestra concert tomorrow and I need to come down to his school to fill out and turn in a permission slip that he forgot about and has to be in TODAY. I was like wait...so...is this concert somewhere besides the school? (Normal concerts at the school don't require permission slips.) Yeah. It was at another school. So the obvious question: Do you need transportation? No idea. *sigh* You're killin' me kid...you're killin' me.

I told him that I was angry, that I needed him to make these things a priority sooner than THE LAST MINUTE. And that I'd come down and do the form on my lunch break.

He called back, and said that nevermind, I'd have to take him about mid-morning (during my work hours) and drop him off at the host school for the event, and he knows I've got to be at work and there's no way we can do it.

He is right, I cannot just go deal with these things at the last minute like this. And I don't want him to get away with pulling these kinds of shenanigans on me. And yet I'm pretty bummed out, because I really want to be super supportive of my kids in orchestra. Like it's really important to me. I have very, very mixed feelings. It's too late to do anything about it now. And I suspect he might be glad to not be going, he said that he doesn't like the orchestra at this school, there are so few students and they don't play well, he finds them a bit embarrassing.

Anyways it was frustrating.

And Analyst cancelled our dinner plans for tonight. Guess he's not feeling well.

I figure that's ok, I should spend some time with the kid, and I've got things to do at home tonight anyways. Today just feels...stupid.
 
Spork said:
He called back, and said that nevermind, I'd have to take him about mid-morning (during my work hours) and drop him off at the host school for the event, and he knows I've got to be at work and there's no way we can do it.
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I am confused. I know US is worse of concerning public transport (the problem would probably be nonexistent in my city), but is there no other parent who could take him?
 
Tinwen said:
I am confused. I know US is worse of concerning public transport (the problem would probably be nonexistent in my city), but is there no other parent who could take him?
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We are new to this school, so we don't really have a network. We're not close enough to anyone to ask such a question.

And like I said...he's ok with missing this particular activity...I should be more ok with it...and I guess this one doesn't count towards their grade, either.

He just agitates the heck out of me coming to me (usually with a phone call from school) with this stuff he put off and we should have sorted probably weeks ago. It's like when you find out about some huge project that he needs help with that was due YESTERDAY, and he knew about it for a month. I think it's not uncommon for teenagers to pull this kind of crap, it's just irritating.

Old Wolf called yesterday, he is being depressive/suicidal-ish again. He asked me if I thought he was going to be alone forever, until he died, if anyone would ever love him again. I said, "Do you think I'm clairvoyant or something?" and went on to explain that I certainly felt it was POSSIBLE for him to find another loving relationship and even happiness, but he'd have to do an awful lot of self-work to make it happen and sustain it, and I have no way of saying what he is going to do or not do. Furthermore, a future isn't guaranteed to anyone. He or I or any person in the world could get hit by a truck tomorrow and render everything else completely moot. So why ask me to predict your future? Later he sent me a text asking if I would handle his affairs as he would want, if "something happened to him" before he got the divorce done and the trust set up and so forth. I promised him that I would. But I've been staring down the possibility of losing him since 2007 when he went back into the military, so that should never have been in doubt.

Honestly he is just wallowing in self pity. I'm prepared to coolly discuss estate plans with the man since frankly we both need such, we have kids to finish raising here. But I'm not interested in participating on an emotional level, and I'm not going to rush to his rescue when he calls me carrying on about how lonely or depressed he is. It was only ever a cry for attention and he's done this in pretty much every relationship he's ever had. So he can take his drama and shove it.

I was really more bummed about not getting to see Analyst for dinner last night than anything. But I went home and did a bunch of work on the apartment, mostly in Q's room. I got some really neat LED string lights to hang around the place, so I put those up. The cat tried to help. His help was...not very helpful. But I got it done. I'm just putting finishing touches on decorating the place now. It's nice to have a home that is not too much for me to manage and keep clean. I struggled to keep up with the bigger houses I lived in with Old Wolf and cleaning up after three slobby boys, and I used to dream every day of living in a little place that I could keep nice without driving myself crazy. It's great to finally have that!
 
Spork said:
I got some really neat LED string lights to hang around the place, so I put those up. The cat tried to help. His help was...not very helpful. But I got it done.
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We have a catchphrase at our house: "cat can halp!"

Guitar lesson? Cat can halp! (As she stands on Rider's chest while he tries to show me chords.)

Putting on makeup? Cat can halp! (As she walks across the counter picking her way through strewn makeup bits to put her face in my face.)

Making dinner? Cat can halp!

And so on... :D
 
Reverie said:
We have a catchphrase at our house: "cat can halp!"

Guitar lesson? Cat can halp! (As she stands on Rider's chest while he tries to show me chords.)

Putting on makeup? Cat can halp! (As she walks across the counter picking her way through strewn makeup bits to put her face in my face.)

Making dinner? Cat can halp!

And so on... :D
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That is great! Often I concede the fact of his superior social status by acknowledging that he is "supervising." As when I am doing the dishes, and he comes to sit right next to me on the counter, and watch. He will often follow us around and have a vague intent to sort of be part of whatever we're doing, but not TOO big a part (like, maybe not close enough that we will be tempted to touch his fur.) This is Very Important Supervising.

Not really sure how we ever managed without him, really.
 
Hey Spork, decided I *am* going to see MarchFourth Friday, partially on your rec. :D I'm sure there'll be a show report on my blog.
 
icesong said:
Hey Spork, decided I *am* going to see MarchFourth Friday, partially on your rec. :D I'm sure there'll be a show report on my blog.
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YAY!! You'll have a great time, I am sure. I really can't imagine anyone seeing them and NOT having a blast. If someone were to ask me to name one thing that fills me with joy...it's their music.

So you live in or near Durham? Have you been to the Duke Lemur Center? It's on my bucket list...
 
Yep, I'm in Durham and *adore* it, mostly for the foodie scene.

I haven't been to the lemur center though - never got around to it before kid, and now mostly because I'm waiting for TheSmallPerson to be a bit older so he'll appreciate it more. If you ever decide to cross it off the bucket list, though, let me know and we can meet up or something. :)
 
icesong said:
Yep, I'm in Durham and *adore* it, mostly for the foodie scene.

I haven't been to the lemur center though - never got around to it before kid, and now mostly because I'm waiting for TheSmallPerson to be a bit older so he'll appreciate it more. If you ever decide to cross it off the bucket list, though, let me know and we can meet up or something. :)
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Heck! Yeah!

I could wind up visiting, maybe next year or something. My Dad lives in Raleigh and I really-really-REALLY love the Outer Banks. And of course there's all the GWAR peeps up in Richmond and I usually go back east to hang with them at least once a year. I'm not this year, I decided no big travels this year because money is tight and also I've just come off a heap of turmoil (that isn't even done turmoiling necessarily) and I need time to let things settle down.

I actually felt a TON of relief when I made the early decision last year to not travel this year. Even though I passionately love planning and doing trips, it felt like less stuff on my plate...and my plate be pretty full.

But I've been talking with my quad about maybe doing OBX sometime if we can all coordinate it. In particular, Analyst says he's only been to the beach a handful of times in his life (!!!) so I'd love to get him down to Hatteras for some lovely relaxing beach time...and my kids could sure use a vacay, too.

Here's hoping we can work it out like next year...I'll definitely get in touch if we can do the D.L.C. sometime. :) Aren't lemurs just fantastic??

Oh, one last thought here...I visited the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo here in Colorado Springs once. They had some ringtailed lemurs, and the enclosure they were in did not have direct sunlight. Had one of those translucent plastic roofs to let light in, but very diffused. I stood there and I commented that I wish they had the lemurs in direct sunlight, as I know they love to sunbathe. One of the lemurs, turned his head and looked at me and MEOWED. As though agreeing. I looked back at him and said, "Did you just say, meow?" and he did it again! I had no idea that lemurs meow.
 
My non-poly chosen family sometimes does OBX over New Year's. Seriously, if you're not "must do hot weather beach stuff about it" it's an awesome time to go; cheeeeap house rentals and we just sit around, cook, eat, do art, and play games and stuff for a week. It's glorious.
 
icesong said:
My non-poly chosen family sometimes does OBX over New Year's. Seriously, if you're not "must do hot weather beach stuff about it" it's an awesome time to go; cheeeeap house rentals and we just sit around, cook, eat, do art, and play games and stuff for a week. It's glorious.
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You know what is my favorite thing? Sitting on a balcony in a comfortable lounger, with my morning coffee or an iced tea, and a good book, and the sound of the ocean.

I could do that forever.

Pretty sure I prefer to do that when it's warm, though. :D
 
Today's thoughts...

My Happy Place:

I have a room in my mind. The walls are a mellow slightly off white. The floors are hardwood. There is a bay window, and gauzy sheer white curtains that blow in the breeze. Sunshine streams in like honey. There are two large wooden (log) pillars in front of this window, spaced well apart. Between them is strung a natural cotton hammock. It is piled with soft, cloud-like pillows and lambskin fur rugs. It's the softest place in the world. A loosely knit cotton throw blanket, just enough to cover me without being too hot, trails off the hammock onto the floor. There is a small, round table next to the hammock and on it is a good book and a mason jar full of slightly sweetened iced tea. A soothing white noise comes in from the window. Is it wind in the trees? Is it the ocean? I don't know yet.

One day I'm going to build this room.

.........

The Analyst is such a good man. He's brilliant. He is brave. He went to war and got blown up, he broke his neck but he survived. He is lucky and prosperous. He is generous and kind. On Christmas, with the rest of the quad busy with their families, the Analyst went downtown and bought pizza and spent Christmas giving food and company and conversation to homeless veterans on the street. He is interesting. He is half Sioux and spent part of his youth on a reservation. He has a Native name, and a story to go with it. He is witty, and snarky, but considerate. He has the best voice for endearments and even small commands, and while he does not wish to Dom me because he is such a voluntaryist, and I have trouble with the role of sub because I value my independence...I rather like it when he tells me what to do. He makes me feel sheltered, supported, protected, and safe. He can be prickly sometimes, though...and I am still working out and fine tuning my sensitivity to things that can trigger him to feel defensive. I love him.

My Zen Sadist is a good man. He walked most of his life behind walls of his own building. He is knocking them down and letting love in, now. He is wise and careful, and such a paradox of formal awkwardness and engaging wit. He is brave, too, but in completely different ways. He is deep, deep water. He's got the coolest collections. Toys, movies, books, autographs, erotic art...you name it, the man has it in abundance. He's kept his life very frugal in order to indulge his particular interests. And his taste in these things, and in music, is...well, it's unbelievably broad, eclectic is an understatement. But he looks so normal, so unremarkable, no one would ever know what is under his surface from just a casual meeting. And I feel like I've been allowed to see what he has probably never let anyone see, in him. And he is allowing me to feel things that no one has ever made me feel. I love him.

Fire and Hefe are glorious people. Watching them dance is voyeurism of the highest order. They are more than the sum of their parts and more together than they would be apart, though I love them each uniquely for reasons special to each as individuals as well. When Fire tells me that I am beautiful or that any part of me is, I believe her as I cannot for some reason believe a man. She does more to heal those hurts inflicted by that common curse of female self-judgment, than anyone. And Fire the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, inside and out, how can I convince her? Hearing her laughter is one of the greatests of gifts. Hefe and I make the most clever and marvelous of jokes together. He lifts me up and helps me to feel worthwhile and we are both too damn good for some of the situations we have in life, but that is ok. Here's hoping we both achieve all of our potential. He reminds me of me, in a lot of ways, and there is a deep comfort and harmony in that. And as such, knowing the things he has done reminds me that we can, in fact, do pretty much anything. I love them.

I'm reminding myself of my good fortune in love today. Because Old Wolf has been malingering again, reaching out in despair, and reminding me that our other son is also at stake, and troubling me with his wavering mental health. Will he be alone forever, will he ever be loved, is he ready, or will he just mess it up again, should he just give up...and so on. I'm so sorry, old mate of mine, but I cannot keep flinging myself into your volcano. I was willing to sacrifice everything of myself for your happiness but happiness was not a thing you could do. I won't sacrifice myself for "content" or for "surviving" or for "mostly miserable." In fact...you so thoroughly convinced me of the pointlessness of my efforts that I won't sacrifice myself anymore for you, at all.

You are not likely to convince anyone else to do it, either. And as far as I can tell despite all your talk of how you've changed, you don't have anything to offer anyone but a perpetual flail in the tar pit of your misery right there by your side, and I don't know anyone who is looking for that. Should you give up? You know, I often wish you would. And if you can't, then shut the hell up about it and get on with life already. I know you're struggling with depression, but if you won't go and get help, won't lift the smallest finger to help yourself, and only want to demand others come try to save you, then fight them if they do...sorry man, ain't nobody got time for that.

Summer is almost here. I can't wait to get my older son in the apartment with me. Maybe then Old Wolf can play out his drama alone to its final stupidity, or find a meaningful reason to pick himself up and go on.
 
Reverie said:
^ That was beautiful. <3
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Thanks! :) That's me pushing away bad mental and emotional vibes and holding onto good mojo for dear life, that's what that is. lol

So I don't think I mentioned this...but it's interesting. Ya'll remember the woman from Tennessee that my ex moved into the house early this year? With the kids and the animals and all? (I'm gonna call her TN in this entry at least) Well, I might have mentioned that I did not dislike this woman. She is a decent person. She just got fed some false hope and made a poorly thought out choice to chase a rainbow here. Now that she has moved out, granted, at first things were rough, they had that heroin addict in the house she was staying in, and her 17 year old son had a mental break and got institutionalized, it was kind of a mess. But TN is not a bad person at all, and we have sort of a bond over having both dealt with, survived, and escaped Old Wolf. She's got a job, the heroin ho has moved out, the kid is now stable (ish) and got a job too, and things are alright.

How do I know all of this? I saw her at the BDSM club on Saturday!!

It was tasting night, and I'd told her all about the place when we were involuntary housemates. She had said she wanted to come out and check it out. Well the guy who rents the rooms out in the place where she lives is a Dom (actually now says he's a switch but whatever) and I figure they've been talking, and so surprise! there she was at the party. I was actually quite glad to see her and hear that things were better for her. She says that I am her only friend here. She enjoyed the party and she tried hot wax and rope and electricity.

In other news, Fire and Hefe are in Florida until next week, and I have Friday with Zen and Saturday I have the final week of my Ladies' Pool League and then I'll go spend the rest of the night with Analyst. I'm looking forward to that. All of that, really.
 
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