The story of Spork.

[Leetah]

Service Merchandise! I was trying to tell some British friends about it just last night and could not remember the name! Evidently in GB the business model succeeded and is still big.

I love the Myst games so I will have to take a look at 7th guest. If you liked the Myst type games I highly recommend the still existing online multiplayer Myst Online. The company also has a new puzzle game coming out called Obduction (yes with an O).

 

[Spork]

Oh, and with regard to The 7th Guest...

The songs on the soundtrack, have been part of my Halloween music collection for a very long time. OC Remix came out with some really, REALLY cool versions of a number of the songs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sB1yBbcK1rE

^ a good example.

I used to do this whole Halloween yard thing, with a cemetery and a huge grim reaper that I built, and spiderwebs and stuff, gargoyles on the roof, and fog of course...and the best was I had these eerie LED spotlights that I'd put near the ground, and they'd flood creepy green or UV purple light across the yard. Then I'd rig them to a device that would pulse the lights in time with music, and I'd blast my playlist....it was GREAT.

One year I served hot cider and cookies, along with the regular generous portions of candy. That was a big hit, too.

In addition to music from this game, I always loved the Beetlejuice theme to kick off with, your typical Monster Mash and Werewolves of London, a number of goth songs by Rosetta Stone and others, some fun stuff like Brains! and The Vampire Club by Voltaire...themes, from the Addams Family, the Munsters, X-Files, Dr. Who, and more highbrow selections like the song "Vampire Hunters" from the Dracula soundtrack, Night on Bald Mountain, and the main song from Phantom of the Opera. And of course, The Time Warp.

Halloween was always a favorite holiday for me...

 

[Spork]

So. Yesterday I had to drop Ninja off back at Old Wolf's house because the school year is getting ready to start back up in the next couple of weeks, and he wants to finish school down there...I live on the other side of the city and can't transport him or get transportation for him, down there each day to do his senior year in his school. And he doesn't want to change schools. So.

Back he went.

Old Wolf was yelling at him pretty much immediately. He is expected to get good grades in school, and get a part time job, do the house chores and mowing, and so forth. O.W. acts like a drill sergeant, it's how he parents.

I hate to see this. I don't want my kid to be yelled at like this. But the problem is, Ninja is just completely terrible at self-motivating. I told him when he came to live with me that if he needed a parent to ride his ass, to get a job or study and get his learner's permit (he's seriously late in the game of trying to get his driver's license)...that I am NOT the parent to look to, and he needed to think very carefully about whether he could take ownership of the things he needs to accomplish or not. I'll remind him, I'll help him, but I'm not going to FORCE him to do things. He agreed that he would step up and motivate himself.

And true to form, he came to live with me, and without a parent who is willing to yell at him, even though I did talk to him repeatedly, give him clear instruction on how to accomplish things, put all of the resources in his hands...he did nothing. There was no screaming or threat of punishment, so he simply did nothing. And we saw the difference in his grades based on whether I was doing the primary follow through on it, or his Dad was, in years previous...he just performs better with Drill Sergeant Dad on top of him.

I hate it, but it seems to be the way it is.

The same tactics when used with my younger son produce crippling anxiety and destruction of his self worth...with my older son, toughness and a motivation to achieve things. They need different things, so it's sensible for them to live with different parents.

But I'm still kind of annoyed with Old Wolf because he's got in his head that if he can get Ninja moved out when he turns 18, which is in March of next year and before the school year ends, then he can go up to Oregon sooner to be with that woman ("Song") that he is obsessed with. School ends in May, but the chance to leave cannot come soon enough for Old Wolf. Now he believes that getting Ninja an apartment and moving him out on his own is a carrot to entice Ninja to get a job and do well in school, and what he doesn't realize is that Ninja isn't in any hurry to get out there on his own. I think he's scared of having to do everything for himself.

In many ways he's a good kid, but his main weakness is that he is fundamentally LAZY. I'm sure he'll want to get away from his Dad, but I'm not sure if it'll work out well for him to do that while he's still trying to finish his 12th grade year. The whole thing is a mess.

And seriously, we've already let our kids down enough by breaking up when we did and being so self absorbed in trying to heal and mitigate issues and damage to ourselves as people, I'm recognizing I've got to devote more time and attention to Q, it pisses me off that Old Wolf can't at least settle in and devote 9 or 10 months to finish parenting Ninja, he's in such a hurry to run off. And Ninja is just not ready to stand on his own. He's going to struggle.

On top of THAT frustration...
I send a text to Ninja to inform him I've temporarily suspended his cell phone data usage because he's run us up over our limit and cost us extra on our next bill. He says that he can't get his computer or phone to connect to the wifi at Old Wolf's house. I am willing to give him a LITTLE time and attention, so I ask if he's tried his X-Box and whether that has worked...? No. He can't hook it up. ...can't?...

I tell him to get it hooked up and tell me if it will connect, I'm trying to figure out if it's an issue with the devices or the router.

He says he can't because his TV doesn't work. "Something happened to it."

...

I just bought him a nice big flatscreen TV for Christmas, and "something happened to it"...??? Now I am getting angry. This kid has a history of breaking devices, he's the one who always has a cracked cell phone, who has gone through I don't know how many controllers, headsets, and even hard drives for his XBox...and now "something happened" to the nice TV I bought with the thinking he'd have it when he graduated and moved out on his own in life.

I text Old Wolf because now I'm pissed and my capacity to continue giving remote tech support from WORK has officially run out. I'm so done.

Old Wolf calls me. Asks me what the wifi password is. Seriously the man does not know his own wifi password?? I'm about to lose it. Oh, and the TV? Ninja must have knocked it over or something, the screen is cracked.

I suggested the boy take up reading. Like, maybe read the DRIVERS MANUAL I printed out for him or something. ARRGHHH!!!!!!!!

Man-child and boy-child are gonna have a rude awakening, they're gonna need to get their act together and learn to tech support for themselves, I am OVER IT. And I'll be damned if I'm buying that kid one more electronic ANYTHING, ever again. I feel like I've got steam coming out of my ears right now...

Oh, and last night I also had to go in Old Wolf's "man cave" (computer room) while he copied and printed some of the divorce paperwork, after he argued stupidly with me about our assets and stuff, and I noticed that his fans on the gaming computer I built him are sounding pretty rattly and suggested he needed to blow the dust out of it. Watched as his computer lagged and froze, saw the piles of weird add on prog icons all over his desktop, and stupid little "tweak my nonsense" apps he'd downloaded.

So the high performance gaming rig I spent almost $1,800 to build for him just a few years ago? Also rapidly becoming a paperweight.

Not my problem.
Not my problem.
Not my problem.

*furious heavy breathing*

 

[Spork]

I indulged Old Wolf with a long phone conversation last night...kind of wish I hadn't, but I know I won't be doing this for him forever, so might as well give him what I can for now.

Trying to get our financial statements for the divorce done, and it's a total pain in the butt. Basically since we are trying to avoid having to shell out $$ for lawyers or mediation, just going through paralegals to guide us in the filing and the paperwork on the cheap, we HAVE TO AGREE ON EVERYTHING.

If we do not, and the court gets a sniff of it, they're gonna wave us off to go to mediation or get lawyers and come back when we've settled our differences.

That is the bottom line. And whatever the court orders, what we DO is a whole different animal because in order to enforce a court order on someone who isn't doing what they're "supposed to" is a big hassle and neither of us is going to follow through on that. The court isn't going to send a nanny to check up on us.

So basically, I don't give a damn what he puts for his assets, as long as our forms match. WE HAVE TO AGREE. I did advise him to be as honest as possible, because lying about these things is actually a crime, and as such maybe not a good idea. Frankly, I don't like the idea of being expected to sign off on something I KNOW is false, either.

Well...

He's got his knickers in a twist about what is "marital" or "joint" property versus what is "separate" or...not marital property, but individually owned stuff. He basically thinks that putting something down as marital or joint means I MIGHT TRY TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM HIM OMG

-.-
*sigh*

I've had to explain that no, I don't want his gaming books and I don't care what any of his stuff is worth, I'm not going to try and take anything from him. He also is freaking out because he's got a valuable and expensive gun collection that he refuses to declare as what it is, because he doesn't want the government to "know on paper what he's got." Basically if "the government" knew that he's got a zombie apocalypse arsenal in the basement, they would "come for him" "when the balloon goes up."

When I mentioned it as the only thing I could think of, that he owned, that had serious value, he threw an absolute fit and I had to listen to him go on about it for like an hour.

You're killin' me, Smalls. Just fill out the goddamn form.

So after agonizing over whether he should try to make his asset value match roughly mine, so it looks "fair" or whether it should be more, or less, or what (I told him just try to be accurate and do your best)...he came up with numbers significantly less than what I had for my stuff. I just don't even care anymore, though I don't think he's being truthful. God this is all such a hassle.

Mainly I worry about the house. He's going to have a limited timeframe to refi, or he'll be forced to sell it. He is utterly convinced that he's going to put it into a trust, and designate his life insurance to the trust, and when he dies (which he expects to be any day, any minute, or hopefully after the terrorists and commies come to get us all or Obama tries to "take his guns")...*pause to facepalm*...he's got in his head this notion that the house in the burbs he got with his VA benefits is going to somehow become the seed of a "LEGACY" that will live on into the generations, but he'll be able to dictate terms on who can benefit and under what conditions, and it'll be super cool just like in The Witching Hour where the Mayfairs have this whole fortune.

Only instead of a neat house built by somebody in New Orleans, it's gonna be this rancher with questionable water quality in a suburb of Colorado Springs. LOVELY.

I just want to know if this is going to be more of a blessing or a burden to my descendants here...and I am just so tired of dealing with this delusional loony...

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm so sorry. But even though my ex h and I were way more amicable than you two are, we tried a mediator, and that wasn't enough to help us negotiate. We both had to lawyer up.

The good news was, that even his own lawyer could see how foolish my ex was about dealing with his finances. I ended up getting a great settlement. My lawyer was a great support too. The judge could see who was in the right, and we basically stuck it to my ex, financially. We sold the house, I got half the equity, and I got 1/3 of his income.

If you declare Wolf has a huge expensive gun collection, and he is hiding it, he will get hosed.

But it is scary. Because he is a violent man and he could come after you with his arsenal. You may need a restraining order as well.

 

[Spork]

I'm so sorry. But even though my ex h and I were way more amicable than you two are, we tried a mediator, and that wasn't enough to help us negotiate. We both had to lawyer up.

The good news was, that even his own lawyer could see how foolish my ex was about dealing with his finances. I ended up getting a great settlement. My lawyer was a great support too. The judge could see who was in the right, and we basically stuck it to my ex, financially. We sold the house, I got half the equity, and I got 1/3 of his income.

If you declare Wolf has a huge expensive gun collection, and he is hiding it, he will get hosed.

But it is scary. Because he is a violent man and he could come after you with his arsenal. You may need a restraining order as well.

Sad thing is, the whole time I've felt like those are solutions for normal people. I'm not dealing with the kind of man who might snap and come yell and wave his fists around or put his hands on me. Having a restraining order works if you have a chance to call the cops. If I pushed him far enough to go full hostile to me, he'd be across the street with a rifle, looking through a scope, and I'd be nothing but a "pop up target" for him.

No. Much better to take what I can get, that he will agree to without much fuss, and cut him loose even if I'm not getting a good deal out of it.

Besides which I know very well what his finances are like, and he doesn't have a whole lot of resources for me to "hose" him for. Blood from a turnip and all. What he does have I'd prefer he put into getting Ninja set up to start adult life and he intends to.

With Old Wolf, as wacky and unreasonable as he can be, there is no benefit to escalating things or trying to force anything. I simply continue to have a calm and reasonable approach and patience. He'll be out of my life soon enough.

 

[Spork]

So I was thinking, after MrMatou reminded me of beautiful Oregon, of some of the most beautiful places I've seen, things I miss, places I hope to revisit one day.

My original home in Virginia was FULL of memorable places.
I remember the forests, the creeks and mossy stones and little waterfalls, the sunlight playing through the leaves and the minnows around my feet.
The leaves changing in the fall.
The smell of the honeysuckle and the sound of cicadas.

I love the historic towns...Richmond, Fredericksburg, and others, where the sunlight is so golden on the old, old bricks and you can feel American history like a faint buzzy haze in the air. Beautiful old buildings with creaky wooden floors, polished so smooth and satiny from years and years of use.

The places in North Carolina where the Spanish moss hangs from the trees. The Outer Banks, with those beautiful beaches, salty delicious air, the dunes and the dolphins. Sitting on a balcony for hours just listening to the ocean and enjoying the ASMR hit, as it tranced me out and made me euphoric and peaceful and perfect.

Cincinnati with its gritty, grimy little punk scene and the laundrymat/bar where we went to see bands. The coffee shop and art space that was open all night and the "Anchor Grill" greasy spoon diner, "We may doze, but never close." The fireworks on Labor Day weekend on the river. The still, silent foggy mornings in the spring.

Des Moines...catching fireflies with my kids. Butter cows and deep fried anything (dear god why?) Christmas...when the boys were so small and it was still so magical, even if I was doing all the work. The praying mantis invasion downtown and hot chocolate from the Skywalk. The first job I was really proud of. My first tattoos. The little zoo where Ninja and I first took notebooks to sit and draw pictures of the animals.

Des Moines is the only place I would not visit. It is Old Wolf's place. His family is there.

And the Pacific Northwest, well where do I start? I lived near Olympia, WA. We had our funky little art walk with Procession of the Species, a parade of people done up like various animals, bellydancing zebras and tambourine jellyfish. Mount Rainier floating in the sky, bigger than the world, and spoke of like a weather condition because if it was too overcast, you just wouldn't see it...but if it was clear, it was HUGE. "Look, the mountain is out." It never got old. It was never taken for granted. Much like the sun. The sun was a miracle. Trees for miles, trees so tall, ferns and moss and gigantic birds. And brilliant colorful music and performance art acts, fire performers, burlesque on stilts and confetti cannons and pillow fights, and that one guy with the fish.

And now Colorado.

I'm not sure I have words for Colorado yet, but please look at this site:

http://www.larsleber.net/

He's a local photographer. It's that beautiful here. I live here now. All of that plus funky artsy old historical towns and buildings, creative people, galleries and strange little shops, a hundred brilliant friends and a sexual awakening thrown in for good measure.

Unfortunately also the site of my family crumbling and no matter how awful my ex can sometimes be, that makes me sad, especially when I think about the memories I have. I told him last night that when I thought of him, of us, I felt a mix of frustration and annoyance, almost anger...Did it have to end like this?? So stupid. So futile. People talk about remembering the good times. When it comes to relationships, I'm not sure that's the way to go. Remembering good things makes me sad. It's remembering the bad, the unforgivable, that keeps me strong, reminds me that my path now, is a better one, when I'm afraid I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going.

I might not know where I'm going, but I've sure been to some amazing places.

 

[RainyGrlJenny]

I've lived in the Seattle area my whole life, and I still always have to comment (even if just to myself), "Ooh, the mountain is out!"

 

[Spork]

I've lived in the Seattle area my whole life, and I still always have to comment (even if just to myself), "Ooh, the mountain is out!"

I know right?? I remember so many days where I'd drive on the highway from Olympia heading north when I worked in Tacoma, and I'd come to the brim of the Nisqually Valley, that ridge you know, and I knew the very spot when I should look for the mountain. If you looked a moment before, trees in the way, a moment after, and you'd be down in the valley.

I actually remembered all the best spots to see it. The Walmart parking lot in Lacey! LOL! Lots of places from Fort Lewis.

Our cell phones completely refused to photograph it though. That was another piece of its weird magic...there's Mount Rainier, all bigger than the damn universe, looking like it's floating in the sky, but you snap a picture...and there's NOTHING. I could only assume it was a trick of how the cameras were trying to focus on things closer?

And you get just the right sunrise or sunset going on...stunning.

 

[Spork]

Latest aggravation in my family life...

So Ninja's 12th grade schedule is messed up, he won't have the credits to graduate the way it stands, and it needs fixed. I contacted the school at one point and they told me the counselors would be there on 8/4 (that's today) to meet with him and fix things.

So the plan would be to optimally call them this morning and either set up an appointment, or at least find out what hours his counselor would be there so as to get him in and fix it.

I've told Ninja this MANY TIMES this summer. I've told Old Wolf this, MANY TIMES also. I've asked if he'd like me to call them and set something up. He said he would just show up and get it done. Whatever. Not my circus/monkeys, right?

Also we have our status conference today at 1:30 PM. Given that school personnel MIGHT only be in until early afternoon, it might be wise to get on top of this situation as early today as possible. When I dropped Ninja off at Old Wolf's house Monday, I brought it up, and again reminded him that we might want to call them this morning. He said, "or just show up." I said, ok whatever, as long as it gets done. The kid basically just needs to make sure he's got the credits planned so he can graduate, other than that nothing much matters.

This is urgent, as final schedule pickup is Monday morning. It needs to get DONE.

So I texted Old Wolf this morning, to remind him that today is the day and asked him if he was on top of it.

And he lost his shit. Apparently HIS plan was for us to sit down before court and "discuss this" and then after court, he'd pick Ninja up and go to the school. I am like WHAT DO WE NEED TO DISCUSS?? We have already discussed this repeatedly. Why would you wait until after court? He's blown up my phone with texts, and called to yell at me, that "You're perfect and I'm flawed and you knew my plan and it's never good enough for you" and on and on and on... Meanwhile, he's in the parking lot of Ninja's school doing this, and Ninja was with him but has vanished. He has no idea where our kid is. And he says, "it doesn't matter if it doesn't get done, just means he won't graduate, but it's not my problem because he'll be 18. I'm kicking him out of the house when he's 18 whether he's graduated or not, I'm moving on with my life and I don't care."

And he says that because he's dealing with this (at 9am) he probably won't make it to court, so I'll have to make his apologies and go on without him.

I am SO TIRED of his ineptitude, his hissy fits, and his utter lack of investment in the outcomes for our kids. He accuses me of being a negligent parent because I go out a lot, and because I don't scream and yell at the boys enough, but who takes them school supply shopping, who make sure their school stuff is all set, who plans for holidays and birthdays and shows up for their orchestra concerts? ME. Always me. The kids only matter to him when they can prop up his ego, and that is IT. Fuck!!

I want to smash things. I am so full of fury right now. I can't even function. And all of this is BEFORE our court date this afternoon.

I wish I had money. I wish I could afford a lawyer. It might even be worth the risk to my life and limb to officially state that I find Old Wolf to be an incompetent overgrown infant and have no confidence in his ability to handle responsibilities like an adult. But there's no point. The house isn't worth anything, he isn't worth anything, there's nothing to be gained. His life insurance is the only value he's got and I'm certainly not going to have his disgusting blood on my hands, or give him the satisfaction of helping in any way to end his miserable life.

You all don't know me. I am, in general, one of the most positive, patient, caring and forgiving people that I have ever, ever known. I don't say in general things like "people suck" or "I hate people"...I have no "enemies"...I generally get along really well with pretty much everyone. I don't get upset, my emotions are rock steady most of the time, and I've put up with some very serious outrages against my person with calm and reason. But this man...THIS man...has pushed me too goddamn far. I've changed in the last few years because of him, like I spent half my life changing because of him, and I don't like it.

I want my kids to be ok.
I want Old Wolf to fuck off. Go to Oregon and bother Song, see how she likes it after a while. Go jump off a damn cliff, I don't care.

I've got fun stuff coming up this weekend and I'd love to be enthusiastic about it, but I just cannot see any further than that at this moment.

EDIT: While Old Wolf was freaking out and fighting with me, Ninja vanished, as I said. He vanished right off down the hall to his counselor's office because he was probably sick of trying to talk to his Dad about what needed to happen. And by the time Old Wolf found him, he was nearly done getting the necessary changes made. I'm so damn proud of my kid right now. Thank god someone has got his head out of his own ass.

 

[Reverie]

While Old Wolf was freaking out and fighting with me, Ninja vanished, as I said. He vanished right off down the hall to his counselor's office because he was probably sick of trying to talk to his Dad about what needed to happen. And by the time Old Wolf found him, he was nearly done getting the necessary changes made. I'm so damn proud of my kid right now. Thank god someone has got his head out of his own ass.

Good for him! Sorry you're dealing with all of this.

 

[Spork]

Well, the divorce thing wasn't so terrible. We had both settled down, and acknowledged our communication failures, I told him, "we have so much static, dude, it's just really hard to get accurate messages through." And he agreed with that.

So we were there in divorce court like a couple, cracking jokes and talking amongst ourselves like two people who don't hate each other, surrounded by hard or shell shocked faces. Whatever. I give myself some credit for the fact that this didn't go as badly as I always feared it might. It's bad. But I'd feared worse.

Then I went to dinner with Analyst and the lady that Fire has become close to...I'm going to nickname her "Silk" for now. Because she reminds me, for reasons I can't really put a finger on, of fine silk. Soft, but deceptively strong, I think (at least stronger than she thinks she is.) If I come up with a better name, I can change it later I guess...

We have a lot in common and I've been wanting to spend more time with her. I'm not sure if Analyst is now dating her, or moving towards dating her, or if things like last night were just building good metamour friendship stuff. I'm not asking because it doesn't matter. We have a lot in common. Accounting jobs, picky eating, kids. Points to connect on, things to talk about. It's cool.

Tonight is Zen night, and he doesn't feel like going out, which is fine because I really don't either. There is a big event going on downtown where we'd normally be going to First Fridays, and the streets will be crowded and traffic and parking will suck...and the bar has changed for the worse under new management. The event itself sounded kind of cool, except for milling around on our feet in a crowd. Contemplating our options, a quiet night in just sounds better. I find it funny how when I was younger, being in a big crowd of people didn't bug me, but now it just looks like a huge hassle.

Been giving thought to my living situation. I have money problems to try and fix. And life issues, career plans, etc. But right now, my budget is a disaster. I can pay my bills, but I have maybe 1/3 what I need to live on every month (even being really frugal) after that. So solutions are needed. I found one that begins to address the matter, actually takes a chunk of the burden off, for right now...I consolidated my student loans under a different repayment plan. So that payment has dropped a lot. That's an excellent start. I might also have to cut off the cable TV, and my kid isn't going to be thrilled about that, but at least we've still got internet and Netflix. I've got to get to the point where I'm not just treading water on my debts, but knocking out the ones with highest interest first and actually making real progress.

Might also sell some more of my stuff, or make some art to sell or something.

Has me thinking though. I still think the year in the apartment on my own was a great idea, but after that... If I can find a small house to rent for a reasonable amount and get some decent people to live with me, it might not be a bad idea. At least one other responsible adult, would be perfect. We'd both optimally be able to benefit from lower rent cost and more space than we could afford on our own. Even having dismissed the idea of living in Old Wolf's house, it's not the worst idea in the world in a different one. I don't really know if Zen would go for this. I know Analyst would have considered it once upon a time, but I don't think it would have been a good idea with him. He's allergic to my cat, for starters. And I don't know if he'd get along with my son if they lived in the same place. His willingness would come from his generosity and desire to help, but I think it would be too fraught with difficulty in practice.

I have time. I'll get it figured out...

 

[IndieSolo]

I wish I had money. I wish I could afford a lawyer.

Contact your local Bar Association. See if they have a Women's Bar Association. Ask if there is any program to get pro bono (no charge) legal help. Many lawyers do pro bono work, but not often in matrimonial law, so you have to ask around. When I was getting divorced, I found someone who helped me for free, and he is a top-tier lawyer who works on movie star and billionaire divorces. If I told you who he represents... oh man, it was unbelievable that I was meeting with him in his fancy office and getting the help I needed without paying a cent for it. I got the settlement I wanted because of my dedication to finding someone willing to do pro bono work. I search high and low and inquired in many places in order to find this program, which I applied to through the courts and was approved for. Just keep asking and asking and asking.

 

[Spork]

Contact your local Bar Association. See if they have a Women's Bar Association. Ask if there is any program to get pro bono (no charge) legal help. Many lawyers do pro bono work, but not often in matrimonial law, so you have to ask around. When I was getting divorced, I found someone who helped me for free, and he is a top-tier lawyer who works on movie star and billionaire divorces. If I told you who he represents... oh man, it was unbelievable that I was meeting with him in his fancy office and getting the help I needed without paying a cent for it. I got the settlement I wanted because of my dedication to finding someone willing to do pro bono work. I search high and low and inquired in many places in order to find this program, which I applied to through the courts and was approved for. Just keep asking and asking and asking.

Aye. But you know, I only feel this way when I am ANGRY. And that is certainly not all of the time.

That's the hell of dealing with this guy. Like sometimes he's so smart and capable that I feel ashamed for doubting him. Sometimes he's such a big baby and an idiot and a blustering jackass that I don't comprehend how he's survived in the world this long. There isn't a lot of in-between.

I don't like to make life choices and plans of action, based on feelings. I try to make them based on facts.

And the facts are:
1. He doesn't really have much of anything right now that is worth putting forth an effort to try and get. I don't want the house. He doesn't have much in the way of valuable assets. He earns less than I do, and barely enough to make ends meet (with extreme frugality in play.)

2. His future earnings are not expected to be much more.

3. With cooperations and agreements in place, and civility between us, he is likely to pay off a portion of his debt to me, and should I express that I'm in a crisis and need help to continue providing for our younger son, he is likely to do what he can to help.

4. With hostility and adversarial behavior (lawyers) involved, he is likely to do his utmost to dodge any and all responsibility, pay nothing, contribute nothing, walk away from obligations, job-hop to avoid garnishment, and generally try to stick it to me because he thinks I tried to stick it to him.

(I saw the results of this kind of setup when we first got together, his first wife had 2 kids of his, he didn't see them after he left when they were age infant and 2, and he was over $20K in debt to the state for unpaid child support. He dodged his obligations there for years.)

5. Even if I "won" and got custody of both of our sons instead of only the younger one, our older son will likely be 18 by the time a hostile divorce could be brought to a conclusion.

6. There is the possibility that he may become violent if pushed. And there is no institution that will hold him away from me permanently, and no restraining order that will keep him from snipering me from a distance. I'll be very plain. If I give him reason to want me dead, there is NOTHING I can do that will stop him. The good news: He isn't a complete and total monster. As upsetting as things get at times, my actions with him have prevented him from tipping over from bark to bite.

So realistically...waging a war serves no purpose, and causes harm. I might occasionally feel otherwise when I'm angry. But I KNOW better.

And getting through this smoothly without a big fight gets it over with sooner, which means he will be LEAVING to go live elsewhere, sooner. Even if things don't work out with Song, he is finding his life here to be full of broken dreams and I see him going back to Iowa and his mom and brother, sooner than coming back here to bother me.

So I'm sorry for being that girl who seems to be asking for advice but then not following it...but yeah. That was more being venty/bitchy than looking for a way to get a lawyer actually. We'll get through this ok. No worries.

 

[Spork]

So an interesting thing happened this morning.

There is a person who is a somewhat famous musician that I'm quite fond of, and last year we'd talked about both kink and polyamory. We had some really good conversations, and he is interested in both things. I won't say who he is here because he doesn't want to be "out" on this stuff...

But I introduced him to a prominent community leader here in the area, and he got to experience some demo stuff at her space, and it was pretty cool. She was a fan, too, and thrilled to have him there.

Thing is though...he had a girlfriend back home, who had no idea of his interest in either kink or poly, and a lover in another state, and he was interested in play with me, but I had some discomforts and limits based on the fact that he was basically cheating on the girlfriend. And he loves her, I've no doubt, he just felt that his needs were not met and if he stood up for them honestly, it would hurt her, and that she is too emotionally fragile to handle the truth. We trod a bit close, and maybe slightly over the line of my comfort zone in our activities. I clearly and repeatedly expressed my reservations and thoughts that he needed to speak to the girlfriend and be honest. Because as much as it may hurt her, lying to her is worse. I really did not want to be his dirty secret.

He had said that he "assumed she knew" that he had other women out on the road. But that he hadn't told her so. That was really not good enough, and I told him it was a cop out.

Welll....This morning, she sent me a friend request on Facebook. She doesn't make a habit of friending all of his friends who are fans of his band or anything like that, we don't have a bunch of friends in common. So I wonder if they finally had the conversation and if she feels a need to have words with me over it. Maybe she thinks I put ideas in his head about polyamory. What I did, was to explain to him how my own relationships work (rather how they were working at that point in time) and some of the ethics and tenets of poly as I understood it, and especially that cheating isn't approved or endorsed by the poly community and how poly is different from swinging, etc.

So I don't know what, if anything, to expect there. I'm curious, but not troubled. I hope that she is not hurting. She seems like a lovely person.

 

[Spork]

A musician that I really, REALLY like is playing in Denver tonight. I'm skipping it though. I'm just not feeling up to it, the driving, the late night...I just can't today. It's a shame because Voltaire is cool and if we're lucky we get like one show a year from him in this area. I've also got an early morning for work, I'd only get a few hours of sleep. So. Not this time.

I went to Walmart on my lunch. Got my kid some school supplies and clothes. He's at a really awkward phase of being too big for the boys' pants and too small for the men's pants. And suddenly worried about fashion. So he might not like the pants I got him, they are not skinny pants or very fashionable or whatever, but hopefully they will do. They're just...pants. Kids and their growing and stuff. I don't know.

Did a puzzle room last Saturday with the quad, and Zen, and Q, and Silk. It's got about a 40% success rate and we beat it with 15 minutes to spare. Then did the Voodoo party. That was interesting. Zen and I got our scene on, which was wonderful...he used my new elk floggers on me. I did a hypnosis scene with some visiting hypno folk from Cali...can't say I'm convinced, but I enjoyed myself. I think. I'm an ASMR junkie as I think I've described before, I can appreciate the value of a good voice and good touch. And I will play along with all sorts of silliness to continue to enjoy good voice and good touch. But..."You're feeling an intense sensation of ..." yeah, not really. But alright, I'll be a good sport lol The man asked permission to get very touchy with me, which I granted, and he did have good touch. But then he was ON and ON to his girlfriend, about how "gorgeous" he thought I was, and he made a later attempt to move up on me and start a conversation but I was in process of intercepting another friend and I kinda ignored him. He shortly after was involved in a sort of little orgy with his California girlfriend and another friend of ours, which was cute and it looked like they were having fun. But see, I get the feeling he really would have liked for me to join in. And I'm just not really doing that sort of thing right now. I've got Zen. And I don't wanna.

When dude left, he was repeatedly and intensely saying we needed to play again sometime, do MORE sometime...like he was trying to implant suggestions. I has a very raised eyebrow to your intentions, Mr. guy.

He was kinda cute though. For a man who clearly thinks he's tha cat's meow. *shrug*

In other news, Dom Sabre from Denver was there. I hadn't seen him in a bit. He was definitely a person of INTEREST to me last year, but he had sorta fizzled out on me, told me stuff about not being in a good place to try and start a new relationship and so on, after we'd flirted it up heavily online and after we'd gone on one date. And then he started up a new relationship. I got pretty petulant about it all, figured my body type just wasn't appealing to the lovely older sadists I wanted so bad. Like I don't have the nice rosy curves, plump bottom and breasts, I'm thin and small. Worm King had called me a "90 pound waif." Which I'm not, I'm 125 lbs thank you very much, but still. My backside is small and flattish. My boobs aren't very big. I'm not shaped...womanly enough. I figured. So I entered the scene feeling small and unhappy from rejection after WK flaked and sexy Dom guy flaked and clearly I was not what they wanted, not good enough for them. I started off with body image issues, not from being heavy like some gals, but from being too small. I mean, what sadist wants a girl whose body looks so fragile, huh? Of course they don't.

Then Zen came along, and I have to say...this is one of those examples of how when something doesn't work out, maybe it's because the universe is holding out for something better. Zen is better. His energy and personality, not to mention simple proximity, are far better suited for me than the other prospects I'd been hoping for last year.

So all of those pouty feelings that Dom Sabre had put into my mind are gone. I waffled on making contact with him at the party for a while...but eventually I did. And I was glad for it, as we talked like friends and I showed him some cool floggers Hefe and I had obtained at Thunder, and...it was good talk. Funny thing is, he's suggested we should go to dinner sometime, or maybe do a scene at a party. I'm very "yeah, sure, whatever" about it. He's good looking, and I still see his attractiveness, but I very seriously doubt he could give me what Zen does.

So he doesn't turn my head. Much.

On Sunday I took my boys up to Elitch Gardens, an amusement park in Denver which is just nowhere near as cool as what I grew up with in Virginia but it's what we've got. Spent most of the day in the water park. Scraped my butt on a water slide, and burned the bottoms of my feet on hot pavement. Realized later that I had a pretty serious whip mark on one hip that was likely visible the entire time I was out in my swimsuit, but no one said anything. Pity.

After we returned home, Zen met up at my place to watch an episode of the BBC series, "Sherlock" which he has me enjoying now.

Yesterday though I was just beat. I've been battling what I want to think are allergies...but I was exhausted whatever, I went home and just crashed for like 12 hours. Woke up sneezy and snotty and miserable. It comes and goes. I HOPE that it is not a cold, but I'm mainlining vitamin C just in case. Because, you know, it would suck to have a cold AND the scurvy.

 

[Spork]

I have kind of avoided talking about some of my feelings with regard to the quad. I have not had the chance to sit down and TALK to people in the quad about how I feel. I could have spoken to at least Hefe, but I'm wary about triangulation now. Analyst hasn't been willing to talk to me.

The last clear message I was able to radio in to them was,
"This is not really a breakup. Just a dial-down. Because I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT about not spending enough time with my kids. I have to reconfigure things so that my life is in balance here. I still love you all and want you in my life, but trying to be GIRLFRIEND to four people is maybe too much right now."

When first I had said things along the lines of wanting to basically be good friends as it felt it was going that direction anyways (from my perspective) I got "I understand, I'm disappointed but it's ok" from everybody, even Analyst. Then the next day after that, Analyst went and met up with Fire and Hefe (no one invited me but I was told the next day they'd met up and talked) and he was upset, the whole business of "who's on first" with Thunder was a big part of it, but essentially I got a very amiable and ok communication with no indication of bad feelings one day, then the very next he was venting to Fire and Hefe. And immediately then he REFUSED to speak with me about it until after he'd done moving, even though he could make time to actually sit in a restaurant and talk about me to others, he could not spare me a 20 minute phone call to clear the air.

Right before and during Thunder, we just basically swept everything under the rug, and that's exactly where it stayed.

I've had the feeling for months...most of 2016 thus far, I would say...that the only one of the three of them who actually wants me sexually is Hefe. And while I like Hefe, I didn't really sign on to be his girlfriend only. I've seen Analyst get excited to share play and kink with others from time to time, but when it comes to me...seems mostly that he'd rather not. Fire, too. Fault doesn't matter, they just aren't that into me in that way. So I really do not understand the disappointment, unless they had wanted to keep me around for Hefe's sake, or to be a person to play with other partners that Fire might bring into the picture maybe? I don't know what they were "disappointed" for.

Something that hurt me a little. The night we were at Fire and Hefe's for a party, and eventually I fell asleep on the sofa, and got tucked off into the guest bed, and play ensued with their friend. I blogged about this when it happened. It only hurt because I saw how happy they were to play with someone new, even though they had to talk her into it a little maybe...but they don't seem all that interested in playing with me. I felt like a little kid, packed off to bed so the adults could have a good time. But see, it was ONLY my lack with them...that specific night, felt mostly with Analyst...that made it uncomfortable to me. He used his hands with her, and he didn't wash and he came to bed with me...and it felt...uncomfortable to me. This friend, I'd only just met her. Having her fluids on the hands of my "boyfriend" in bed next to me, which I could smell...after watching her thoroughly enjoy his attentions, which I'd been wanting and not getting for a while. Bad feelings, that I didn't really feel I could share.

Then there was the more recent stuff. Fire had persuaded me to open up, be vulnerable, tell her my fantasy stuff. That was kind of a big step for me. And then we had a bit of friction the night of a party, over the whole Thunder thing. I felt she couldn't wait to get me out of her house (we were getting ready there.) I went to the party. Silk was there, and Fire told me she had feelings for her. Well, that is lovely. I'm glad. Because I don't feel like I've been what Fire wanted in a girlfriend. So Silk got a scene that was somewhat similar to what my fantasy material was about. Very close actually. And I was invited to be one of several tops participating. Told only a few were asked and I should be honored. You, my partner, do not want to play with me, told me you didn't want to play except for some stuff you planned to do with new girlfriend, Silk, and now I am honored, to give her what I had very reluctantly and with much difficulty, told you I wanted... For some reason that very night, I felt like I was outside of myself, watching the whole thing. I didn't feel anything. I did participate. I recognized from a weird distance that this could hurt me...but I did not feel hurt. I had a good time really, but much of that was because I was lovely in my dress and Zen was lovely in his suit and we had a lovely scene later.

But eventually, the thought kept coming back about that. Whether I wanted to watch things that I'd hoped for...and didn't know how to ask for...being given happily to others? And not given to me? By people who insist that our "relationship" is meaningful and not something they want to let go? You know what? No. No, I don't want to do that. And it has nothing to do with how I feel about the other women, I am fond of their friend from the first party and I am fond of Silk and would love to be friends with her; she is cool. But I just feel more and more emotionally withdrawn because two out of three of my quad partners just don't really find me a shiny fun toy to play with anymore, and I don't want to sit on a damn shelf when I've got Zen over here who can and will blow my mind, not to mention my kids and other obligations in life, competing for my time.

And now, Analyst had asked me for a date this week. I let him know I was free tonight, and he said he was way too exhausted. Posted on Facebook that he was going to eat pizza and go to sleep early he was super tired "but it was soooooo worth it." Now that tells me, that he did something fun that deprived him of sleep last night. And from what I know of him and the situation, I'd guess it might have involved Fire and very possibly Silk. And I'm ok with that, but I feel this whole time, I communicated when something MIGHT happen with me and another partner, and again when it DID happen. I have had no such courtesy from any of those three. I was not talked to or asked how I felt about it, or even just INFORMED at all when they got involved with new partners. And I didn't expect them to follow the rules I set for myself in the beginning, especially Fire who sort of seems to do what she wants. But man, I feel like again, for people who put up some resistance to me wanting to dial things down...they are very ready to shut me out and replace me with Silk, without even talking to me about where anything is headed.

And ya know...when it comes to what (I think) is happening, I'm alright with it. It kind of seems best for everyone. But I think that their not communicating habits bother me more than anything. I was willing to try and talk about how I was feeling and where things appeared to be going. Apparently that's weird and I'm the only one who wants to do that sort of thing. I've been waiting for Analyst to be "ready to talk" to me, but I don't think he ever will be. And I don't want to be making guesses like I am right now.

I think that Analyst wanted 2 girlfriends, and that he lost interest in me a while back and while cam-girls, porn, and shiny new people might spark him, I lost any capacity to do so at some point and became...not really worth the effort.

I think that Fire and I failed to click on our first attempt at girl-girl alone time, I had not been with a woman in a REALLY long time (over 20 years) and after that she didn't really have much desire to try, although I think she wanted me to stick around for other reasons. While I don't think that she MEANT to, and I don't know if she even realized it, now that opening up and being vulnerable to her led to something that kind of hurts, makes me feel less safe being emotionally vulnerable there again. The kind of play I'd hoped to experience with her and with a group, I may not ever feel safe or comfortable doing now, at all. Part of me withdrew that night and hid itself.

And Hefe...I feel bad for Hefe because he's part of this whole package deal. I don't see myself in a relationship with him alone because he is married to Fire and everything is all so close. I feel that he's done his very best to please me, to be respectful and accepting to Zen and to be socially involved in stuff with me and to be supportive of me when we're together. I see the effort he has put in and it means something to me. And I'll still play with him at parties. And I hope his needs are met with the addition of Silk to his sex life. Hefe is a good dude, and I really think he cares.

I held onto all of this for a while. I'd have rather discussed it openly with those involved first, but that just doesn't seem to be happening. We get together and it's like "elephant in the room." And I just don't like this...I want you but I don't want you, but let's not talk about it...thing. I thought that we'd all agreed that there was more honesty and communication supposed to be part of poly, than this, and I didn't really think that "open, honest communication" only applied when everything was groovy and easy. I wish they'd been more willing to be honest about other partners to me. I kept them informed of what I was up to, or might be up to, and with whom. I feel like I'm the last to know about anything, and the only way this is ok, is if the quad is actually alright with letting me phase out as a "girlfriend" to them, despite what they've said about it. Because it sure looks, from where I stand, like that's happening anyhow.

 

[Spork]

I should also mention, and this is one of those things that nobody did to hurt me, which I feel much of this stuff is...they'd have no reason to know I'd feel how I feel about something, and it happens, and because no one was mean on purpose I just kinda lick my wounds rather than rock the boat by bringing my ~drama~ (negative feelings) to the table...

The word "disappointed." My parents used to use that word, a lot. One time we went to a tumbling thing, the parents were all watching and I was supposed to do some cartwheels or something, but I wasn't very good at it. And I got shy and refused to try in front of all of those people. My parents were upset, they fought in the car on the way home. They were "very disappointed" in me. When I wasn't good at one of the number of activities they tried to put me in, to try and make me normal...they would come out, all ready to be proud, and then I wouldn't live up to their expectations, and they loved me less for it.

Disappointed means I wasn't what you'd hoped for. I wasn't good enough. And you love me less for it.

It's very triggering to me, that word. Of course no one knew that.

But see, if I had been as deeply invested as I am with Zen, this would have DESTROYED me. If I'd been as vulnerable as Fire wanted me to be...she wanted in, to play with my soft squishy emotional and mental parts, she wanted that access. Found it enjoyable to be given that trust, to see me vulnerable. The problem is...something about this situation, I'm afraid that they're liable to do too much harm to me without meaning to, if I really take down all the walls. So I haven't, not really. And while things have kind of hurt, enough for me to recognize it, it's been the difference between a good hard pinch and a punch in the gut, to what it could have been if I'd been a lot more emotionally open, or blazing away wildly in love.

About the only certainty I've got out of all this, is to stop worrying about whether I'm "really poly." Like I've told another poster recently, no one is gonna take my card and kick me out of a club here.

 

[Spork]

Went to a discussion group yesterday evening, was feeling the need for some people-time and it did help. Tried very hard not to say TOO much, because this community...everybody knows everybody. Did talk about some of my triggers and feelings, tried to keep it very me-centered, without going into detail on particulars or people who had anything to do with any of it.

I don't want to be gossip fodder, but at the same time I'm not going to pretend everything is peachy when I actually could use a little support.

I am in fact thankful to people, events, and uncomfortable feelings for helping me to find and identify the gremlins, and deal with them. This is the kind of shit people pay thousands to therapists for, you know? When you know that people don't intend to hurt you...and yet it hurts...that points to it being a "me issue." Which means I need to think about it and track down its source. The "disappointed" thing is precisely that.

On a me + them level, it simply raises questions that I wish I'd had the clarity to ask them at the time. There was a person at the discussion group who said that her idea of perfect polyamory, it's not about sex, it's having friends, chosen family, and adventuring companions. I would love to have that of Fire, Hefe, and Analyst. That defined role is one of tremendous value to me. The confusion I have here is that Fire and Analyst have, for quite a while, cooled off on me sexually...yet were "disappointed" that I might suggest being something other than I've been..."Girlfriend, with access/consent to sex." Even though they weren't using or enjoying that access much, the notion of it being withdrawn made them upset. I would like very much to get them to unpack that a bit and explain to me what exactly they felt they were losing, do they really value it that much, and why?? I'd like to seek answers on this from Fire and Analyst, in terms of those particular relationships.

It is far too easy to let speculation take me down some dark paths, hedged about by my own damage and insecurities, when I might be utterly wrong in scripting guessed-at motivations into the minds of my partners. I've realized that it's something I do, assuming what people are thinking based on little real information, and it's very unfair.

And again back to the labels and structures problem... Because if I am "in a relationship" with someone, I need a bit more "maintenance" than I feel I can get with them. Sex and communication. And if I cannot get those things, or if I am unable to devote the time to enabling those things, then it would be far less upsetting and confusing to me to consider them family-friends, than "relationship partners." And maybe I wasn't such a good match for their group anyways, because I have a kid I've got to raise, and a kid just doesn't fit very well into their world. In order to visit the Land of the Quad, I've got to leave my son behind, most of the time, and they don't visit my world much.

Zen, though...in a given week I might see him on three or four evenings, at least one or two will be at my place, and one will likely be at his (sex date) and another might be out together doing community stuff. I feel like I can fully honor every big part of my life-needs in his company. I tried not to make comparisons, but damn...that relationship just FITS in my life so much easier. And I want and appreciate him, and he wants and appreciates me. We can talk about even difficult subjects, and if he feels I need to have some dedicated talk time, he's willing to schedule it and make it a priority. The message I get from Zen's actions is, "You are worth my effort."

And Hefe has "spoken my love language" sometimes, too, in putting an effort into learning what I like and even changing up his own comfort levels and being more of an initiator when I needed that, showing care and concern for me and a desire to connect. I appreciate what he's done for me. I'm neither blind nor ungrateful for it. While I sometimes think it's unfair that I see him as part of the relationship unit that includes Fire and Analyst, if only because he is absolutely in a Primary married relationship to Fire... At the same time, I don't feel too terrible a guilt, because I feel I'm not leaving him with a lack of love...he's got Fire and Silk. He's got potentially plenty, and shouldn't suffer too deeply from a loss of me, I can only hope.

Speaking of love languages, these difficulties remind and affirm what I know/think about my own...

-Words of Affirmation
Top spot for an important reason. If my love were away for a while, and I could get no time or touch, the right words can keep things ok. Once communication breaks down, the rest goes downhill for me, FAST.

-Time & Touch
So close they deserve dual second place billing not far behind Words. This is the meat and potatoes of the relationship. Sex falls into this category under "touch" for me, too...without a sexual aspect, I feel like the pairing is sliding sideways into "friend" territory. Which is fine with me, if we're honest about it...if the words match the reality.

-Gifts
Appreciated when they are very personal, sending the message, "I know you and I've heard you." But if everything else above is lacking, gifts don't carry the day. Even if they're good ones.

-Service
Way at the bottom because it's just as likely to make me uncomfortable, as it is to make me feel loved. My ex and I had a very negative "economy of service" that led to keeping score, manipulative obligation making, and resentment, on both sides. "After all I've done for you!!" I think we both feel this way at this point. Acts of service are...tricky.

 

[Spork]

Interesting bit I just remembered from the discussion group.

Ever realize you've got a bad habit or tendency in dealing with others, and think, "Other people don't seem to have this problem. What is wrong with me?"

So I've got a few issues that kind of come back to the same thing of not speaking my own truths to the people closest to me clearly. It's one reason I blog, it's easier to do here, and it's also easier to do with people like my Mom or a close friend (but one with limited entanglement and investment.)

Issues particularly:
1. Verbalizing my needs and wants. I feel clumsy, shy, awkward, and vulnerable. And like I am imposing and being selfish or greedy. And that I have to also consider if I am giving the partner enough pleasure or happiness or value to justify asking for anything.

2. Weak boundaries. Having a hard time saying "no" to people who want things from me, even when I don't really want to give the thing to them. I feel like I will make them feel bad if I say no. This is everything from someone asking me to go do something with them, to sex, even trying to have reasonable boundaries when my son wants things he doesn't need, or making him earn things with chores. It touches interactions from the very casual to the very deep. And I've recognized that it's also a problem in my BDSM play, when I try to hang and cope and deal with stuff even when pain has crossed to a bad place (like when I was burned) or when I'm failing to get into headspace and I'm not finding the good in the pain, it just hurts and I'd like it to stop. But I feel like I'm failing if I stop things, so I don't. Not calling red, when I should call red...that is a bad trait for a bottom to have. It doesn't happen often at all with Zen, thankfully, but it has before.

I don't know how to rewire my head to give myself permission to say no, without feeling INTENSELY uncomfortable with it.

3. I hold in my issues and concerns, hurts and bad feelings, until I can't. And then I dump on people, sometimes the wrong people, and I feel horribly guilty about it. Part of this is my tendency to process for a while...when a feeling is new and raw, I'm rarely ready to talk about it. But then this is also part of the problem. I need support because I'm hurting, but I'm mortified to need or ask for it, so I bottle it up until I'm ok and calm, and eventually find a way to talk about it. And it's gonna come out, by that point, but it might seek the path of least resistance, which might not be the person who needs to hear it, but rather some uninvolved other person or a blog entry or something.

But these issues can magnify and compound and mutate under certain circumstances. I'm really realizing that Analyst's need to completely focus on his house stuff and not talk to me, has lodged badly in my heart. I'm looking at how he could devote an evening to meet with Fire and Hefe, but couldn't even talk to me, and I'm sure he had other conversations with her, but he would not have one with me. Really that felt a lot like an emotional rejection, and it's one I'm not recovering from. It's festering and it's feeling worse all the time. I alternate between feeling cold and withdrawn and wishing he'd just let me go and leave me alone...and feeling hurt and wishing I could get some reassurance from him, but not feeling able to ask for it. Like, I've got a date with him tonight and I swear I want to hide under my bed. And it's to that nasty point where I'm on high alert for other things to feel injured over, which is a goddamn stupid game I don't want to play.

There are things that won't bother me if I'm feeling like I'm getting "enough" in a relationship...but that if I'm in a state of scarcity and uncertainty, are going to bother me a lot. And some of those buttons have been pushed, and there's a sick, stupid part of me that just keeps noticing things and re-triggering. I don't feel strong enough, to deal with my own vulnerability and open up the conversation tonight with him, risking that he might go on the offense and get all prickly like he does when he doesn't want to talk about something.

And I hate how when I do try to express my feelings, if I have to say something that people don't want to hear, and then they get upset, I feel like I started a whole mess by being the one who put my stuff out there on the table. Things were fine until I rocked the boat. I wish I could take it all back and shut up and smile and stop having -problems.- Stop BEING a problem. I felt that way with Old Wolf like every time I tried to express my feelings or issues. And I feel that way now, with the quad. And once that feeling happens, I become ten times more withdrawn and have even more difficulty opening up and communicating my needs, feelings, boundaries, etc. I just shut up and play it cool.

So we talked at the discussion group the other night about some of this sort of difficulty, in general, in expressing needs, wants, boundaries. And a few of the women there were nodding emphatically over this. Seems that women who grew up as the oldest sibling, caregivers of their younger siblings, often have this kind of difficulty. We're so used to giving up what's ours to care for others, that we have a tough time feeling entitled to honor our own selves. A tremendous contrast to a man who grew up an only child, who was there, and said that he absolutely expects he's got every right to ask for what he wants and get it. Another person who was born male but is a transwoman, said that growing up the oldest, and male (at the time) her experience was that she got a heap of attention and expectations that actually made her feel bad and guilty. It was not wanted. Her father would give her anything, and her siblings less or nothing, and she found herself giving her things away and trying to dodge the excessive status, and probably the high expectations that came with it.