The story of Spork.

[Spork]

I think it's why I love to write, more than I love to speak even. I have a strong desire to seek and find the right words for what I think and feel. And I think in fairly florid, colorful metaphor, more often than not...writing gives me the time to find those words.

Another thought to share today before I sign off, so I have been on a nostalgic 90's goth music kick lately. I was a spooky wicked teenager in my time, and all, and I came across a song by Electric Hellfire Club called "Where Violence is Golden" and I was like ha...yeah, ok so really and truly it just shouldn't surprise anyone that I ended up into BDSM. Though I was on the other end of the riding crop back in those days, I was interested in this stuff when I was like 15. And it's a trip to me now that my sons are 15 and 17...they are so damn good and relatively innocent. How I got so lucky, I will never know, but I've got good kids.

And they really haven't got any idea how debaucherous their Mom is, and I figure that's a good thing. But man, listening to this music gives me chills remembering...

 

[Spork]

I'm so excited!

20 minutes and I am off to go fetch my Zen from the airport. YAY!

So Reverie mentioned a difficulty with Rider getting all up in her convo threads with others like Beckett on the Facebooks... YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?? ...My frickin ex keeps spotting where I responded on a post by one of MY FRIENDS that he does not even know, and responds on it, too. And since it's often political, and he's a dumb shit Trump supporter (who thankfully is too stoned and lazy to bother to actually vote)...that's the kind of BS he's popping off on my friends' comment feeds.

I am ~supposed~ to be trying to be friendly with him, and I am and I want to be...I'm used to him...but I cannot find a way to restrict him so that he can't see what I post on other threads, particularly people he isn't friends with, and I really wish I could!

It was goddamn embarrassing today, the friend he posted on was one of the more respected community leaders in Denver, a hell of a fierce sadist and a speaker and activist on lots of important stuff. And there's my ex, slinging stupid. I can not wait to have my old last name back, at least then he won't be quite as easy to link to me.

He actually has the nerve to whine that I never wanted to be seen with him, and didn't claim him publicly or want people to know we were together. That was kind of baloney, because if I introduced him to my friends it was as my husband. But he didn't WANT to meet my friends, he called them, "a bunch of idiots" and he was antisocial and often sloppy drunk...I felt apologetic towards anyone who had to be exposed to his presence, even HIS friends!

Grrr... Stoopid ex stoopid face grumble grumble...

 

[Spork]

Well alrighty.

So yesterday, I took the day off work. We had our "final orders hearing" in the divorce at 9am. I was not sure "is this it? Like...is our divorce final after this?" and that was a good stance to have (the ??) because if our ducks had not been in rows, we might very well have been sent off to get them that way and told to return in like a month.

But no, the duckies lined right up and the paperwork was pretty much how it had to be, with only a couple exceptions that the judge kindly asked us about and filled in on the spot. Our judge rocked, great dude. I hope he's one of the ones I voted to keep his job. (I voted to retain all of them, after doing a cursory look at some online recommendations for my district. So if his uh...term?...was up, he was one I voted to stay.)

Anyhoo. One of the bits that hadn't been addressed just yet...ya'll might or might not recall that I was concerned, because the ex feels it's gonna be a piece of cake to get the house refinanced and my name off the loan. I'm not sure it will be as easy as he thinks, based on the facts. And the judge pointed out that in our docs, there was no deadline, and there had to be one (yay, I knew it!) so I suggested 6 months. That's plenty generous. Basically, he's got to successfully refi me off the loan within 6 months, and if he cannot do that, he has to put the house up for sale and have it sold by the end of next year. Failure to comply is contempt of court.

And another bit I had questions in the back of my mind about... So my older son lives with the ex, and my younger son lives with me. Ninja (older) will graduate in the spring, and my ex plans to hare off to Oregon after that. But I've still got a few years yet of raising Q on my own. The ex keeps saying "I've got a plan, I've got a plan" and he wants to set up a trust that the kids can draw off of, and it will help Q even before he's an adult with the cost of his maintenance and life and all... The judge said though that "the court retains jurisdiction to modify support orders in the future." So if it comes to a point where my ex is making big money up in Oregon (which he thinks will happen) and he's just dumping it all into the finances of Song to hopefully entice her to be his Mommy-Woman and New Narc Supply...which I could see happening... He's shown a tendency to ditch prior obligations in the single-minded pursuit of something new. It's why I had to make sure his previous support debt from his first marriage and kids got paid off. He never even saw those kids, he left when they were babies and they're grown now, and he owed the state over 20k in unpaid back support when we met (oh the red flags you ignore when you're an 18 year old kid!) So I never had any faith he'd pay on court ordered obligations voluntarily, but if it came to it, the court would garnish him if we had to go there.

I'm prepared to let him make good on his plans and promises...but if he doesn't, I do have recourse. I'm glad of that.

And so, my divorce is final. I'm now officially a divorced woman.

Hm. My feelings are complicated on this. Too much to spill here. I should just be relieved. I'm still hurt. Oh well. Life goes on. I'm trying really hard, maybe too hard, to set it aside and not process it. I don't want to think about it really. I feel like I might explode if I do, and it isn't safe for me to explode anywhere. I've been mentally keeping a heavy wet wool blanket over that emotional bomb, to prevent it from going off. I need to be my usual cool and calm, smart and snarky self, who has complete control, but it was too much of my life to not have any feelings about it...even if I've got to do my best not to feel them. So here I am.

I spent the afternoon with Zen. He focused on me...I had concerns about getting too disheveled because I was heading to Ninja's orchestra concert later on, and the time for our visit was somewhat limited, too. I promised more attention to him this evening. And then my kiddo Q, since he reminded me he's got off school tomorrow, wanted me to take him down to his Dad's house to spend the weekend more or less. So now I'm doing that and it's gonna make me late to my planned evening with Zen and that is somewhat frustrating. I hate how my kid has a knack for not letting me know what he wants to do, until the last minute. And I really, REALLY hate being made to feel like I've got to compromise my commitments to people, to keep my commitments to other people. The kid keeps doing this, making me feel forced into a corner where I've got to choose taking care of the last minute thing he wants, or upholding prior commitments to Zen. And if I tell him, "No, I had plans, I'm sorry but you should have told me sooner" then he's mad that I'm "always" choosing Zen over him, supposedly. I feel like it's a set up and I don't like it. What makes it extra bullshit is when he says this stuff to his Dad, to Old Wolf, who has that same jealousy button of "mommy's choosing somebody else over me, waaahhh!" and his Dad starts getting on me for "letting my own selfish needs and relationships interfere with my parenting."

I'm trying to strike some sort of a balance here, but this game is gonna get real old real quick. I think I need to hang a paper calendar in the house and fill in my plans on it, so that Q knows when he can ask for my time and when I'm probably gonna say no unless he gives me time to adjust. We also have a lot of the power struggles of a 15 year old trying to figure out what he can get away with, and seeing if he can't push a parent who has weak boundaries to begin with. I have to be careful that I don't become MY mother, whose weak boundaries and lack of authority allowed me to walk all over her and do anything I wanted. It's frustrating.

So.

Oh, and a moment in Ihop with Zen yesterday, where we went for a midafternoon meal... They played that song, "Whenever I want you, all I have to do...is dreee-ee-eee-eam...dream, dream, dreammm..." You know the one, right? And I'm sitting there having finished up my french toast, watching Zen eat salad. And I suddenly have the accompanying mental image of us doing an impact scene at Voodoo...like a picture in my head, coupled with that song, of me on the cross and him flogging me, and little hearts all over the place, and I burst out in giggles and had to explain myself to him.

Now, Zen has extremely varied musical taste...Oasis to John Denver, Rob Zombie, The Beatles, Loreena McKennitt, The Talking Heads and U2, and trance electronica...the guy likes a dazzling spectrum from the 60's onward. I had heard that Electric Hellfire Club song (see a few posts back) which is about SM and features lots of whipping and moaning noise samples amid the rock-electronica of EHC...and I played it for him. And he really liked it. And now I'm feeling kind of funny, because EHC is a Satanic band from my days as a devil worshipping teenager, and my formerly very Christian lover who in his youth was like 110% on board with the most intensely conservative of extreme Christian thought structure...I mean, he would have shunned me HARD back then, except that I was probably an infant at the time, so... Anyways. He wants to hear more of it and I feel like I'm corrupting a relatively innocent soul and I am not sure if I should be ashamed or delighted by this, or just find it funny...?

And then there was my older son's orchestra concert. The kid refuses to use a shoulder rest for his viola, so he's hunched over like Quasimodo...no changing this now, he is a senior...but he was rocking out up there, and it was a selection of spooky or dark tunes for Halloween, so it was fun to listen to. If you're me, at least. Kind of my thing. A smaller group, the Pop Orchestra, played Eleanor Rigby, which is a Beatles song I quite like.

 

[YouAreHere]

My frickin ex keeps spotting where I responded on a post by one of MY FRIENDS that he does not even know, and responds on it, too. And since it's often political, and he's a dumb shit Trump supporter (who thankfully is too stoned and lazy to bother to actually vote)...that's the kind of BS he's popping off on my friends' comment feeds.

I kick myself every damned time I comment on a friend whose posts are public, because other friends see my comment and just comment along, without realizing they have no idea who the original poster is. I love it when it leads to political arguments that I never meant to be involved in, much less somehow be responsible for. Ay-yi-yi...

Facebook tends to be a loudmouth about stuff like that, which doesn't help... "Spork commented on this!" Yeah, thanks, FB. It's like finding that you thought you've been having a private conversation with a friend, only to find out the sound is down and everyone can hear you.

And I feel for you. My ex disparaged my friends pretty consistently (although not to their faces... he just acted aloof to the ones he REALLY didn't like), and preferred not to interact with them, but then would occasionally whine about how they probably think he's an asshole and think I turned them against him in the divorce. Uh... no, dude. You did that.

 

[YouAreHere]

Hm. My feelings are complicated on this. Too much to spill here. I should just be relieved. I'm still hurt. Oh well. Life goes on. I'm trying really hard, maybe too hard, to set it aside and not process it. I don't want to think about it really. I feel like I might explode if I do, and it isn't safe for me to explode anywhere.

Hugs, Spork (if you want 'em).
I remember feeling the same way after mine was final. My ex actually walked with me to the cars and asked if I wanted to go get lunch to celebrate. "Uh... no. I have to get back to work." WTF, people...

Glad you're having fun with the music and it can give you a laugh to think of Mister Conservative Christian moving on to enjoy some EHC later in life. I love those odd dichotomies.

 

[Spork]

Hugs, Spork (if you want 'em).
I remember feeling the same way after mine was final. My ex actually walked with me to the cars and asked if I wanted to go get lunch to celebrate. "Uh... no. I have to get back to work." WTF, people...

Glad you're having fun with the music and it can give you a laugh to think of Mister Conservative Christian moving on to enjoy some EHC later in life. I love those odd dichotomies.

Thanks. Yeah, I walked with him to his car and he drove me to mine. I'm not opposed to still talking to him and hanging out sometimes...actually it helps. Because when we are apart, I start thinking thoughts about how it was "supposed" to be and "did it have to end like this" and so on etc. I get wrapped up in the sunk cost fallacy of the whole thing, too. I put SO much work and SO many years in blah blah blah.

Start bargaining. Thinking if only this or that hadn't happened. If I could go back, would I do this or that differently. Same as when my friend Dave died and I spent like a year making bargains with the cosmos, wishing I could negotiate him back somehow. All part of the grieving process, I suppose.

But when I actually go spend time in his presence, and he talks and talks, and I see his weird mental processes on full display and remember how painful it was to be trapped in a chair with the sound of his voice just going on and on and on...not just for hours, but for DAYS at a time, lecturing, ranting, on and on. When I stand in the presence of the actual man, the marriage I just ended is not an abstract idea. And I know it had to end, and I am relieved that I no longer have to be there, listening to that. I can leave. Though of course extracting is still laughably difficult at times, he will follow me around running his mouth, even to the point where I'm pulling out of the driveway and he is desperately trying to finish a sentence, walking alongside my van, directing his words at my window... It's fucking ridiculous.

So yeah, Zen actually asked to hear and listened to two entire EHC albums last night while we engaged in some kink-heavy sex play. Irony is the fact that I gifted him, some months ago, a very beautiful, fresh and doe eyed Glamour Shots framed photo taken when I was 16...and I told him then, yeah, if that girl looks like an innocent to you, think again. I was a Satanist then. And now I've exposed him to the soundtrack of my debauchery. I feel a little weird about that! Well so long as he understands that I no longer sign on for the actual philosophies of it.

As a teenager, yes I certainly was trying to be edgy and shocking and all...but more than that, I was looking for some kind of philosophy that wasn't so inundated with ritualistic clutter and stories and complex trappings as most "religions"...I felt that one had to believe SOMETHING, and I was having a hard time finding something that didn't feel like a bunch of nonsense. Christianity and other such religions that were obsessed with regulating what people did with their genitals...the very notion that my honor, "purity" and morality lives in my vagina and what I do with it, was just completely absurd to me. I had friends who were pagans and wiccans and such...the adherence to ritual was silly to me. Too much with the candles and crystals and woo woo. What I wanted was just...IDEAS. A general framework of belief to spur critical thought and discussion. No book of stories and parables. No house of prayer. So a system where each person is their own God was very appealing. And of course as a teenager, a philosophy centered on hedonism suited me perfectly.

But it came to feel very empty. And eventually... Well I was primed to fall into the marriage that I did, I guess. I often said that he just had the luck to be in the right place at the right time. I was not seeking a mate. I was spinning my wheels, had no idea what my life's purpose was. I was really starting to wonder what was the point...feeling like maybe there wasn't one. I needed something of some significance in my life, and I had nothing.

Then along comes this needy, needy man. And suddenly I have a point and a purpose, I must carry on because he needs me...and I am worth something because he says I am. One year after we were first openly together and acknowledged to our friends that we had a relationship forming, I was impregnated...and talk about purpose and meaning and a mission in life. I'm still walking that road.

Maybe it's the curse of the caregiver, that need to be needed. But my life felt empty without it and fuller with it.

And that goes completely contrary to everything that the philosophy of Satanism had taught me, and I abandoned it as soon as I realized how empty my life felt before Old Wolf and how full it felt when I was occupied with caring for those who needed me, him and our kids. A life of self-serving hedonism...it's a hollow thing. As for the Devil, I've never believed that one existed, ever.

But some of the music is still good though. Just like I enjoy the architecture, for instance, of many cathedrals... I finally had to make up my own belief system, but I still enjoy the art and aesthetics of others.

 

[Spork]

Other news...

Had a friend ask on Facebook what movie you watch if you need a good cry... I recommended the only movie that reliably and without fail will reduce me to a weepy wreck, it's called Fluke. It is a sappy, sentimental "family" film about a guy who dies and is reincarnated as a golden retriever puppy.

And then I remembered that damn Budweiser commercial with the puppy and the Clydesdales. Same effect, only in much shorter format! So after mentioning the movie, I posted a youtube of the commercial, and said, "Like this, only film length and also featuring a kid."

So now I guess I know my kryptonite? Cute puppies? I'm not even a dog person, wtf??

Also.

Fetlife is abuzz with news of the arrest of "fetlebrity" The_Wolf_. This guy had a lot of followers, but there had been talk about whether his style of play (even as described ~by him~ and not even getting started on what women ended up accusing him of) was too boundary pushing and violated the concepts of consent to sacred to the kink community. In the name of primal and consensual non-consent, he apparently seriously traumatized a number of women, or so it is now said...and again, with what he wrote about doing, most folks aren't surprised, but there are still a few saying to assume him innocent unless and until he is convicted otherwise.

I'm tired, honestly, of high profile rape cases and having to parse out my own position and opinion every time. Exhausted with the topic, to be honest.

I mention it because without getting into all of...THAT...I can at least say that I am glad when I read that the police in this case are very sex positive and kink aware. They aren't trying to go full on torches and pitchforks against BDSM and fetlife because of this man's actions. However, I have worries about the press. There are news stories starting to pop up, and every one I've seen describes fetlife...talks more about the site, than the case, actually...and that's disturbing. I hate that the muggles will never hear about the fetish community much when things are going well, when stuff is business as usual. They won't hear about SSC, RACK, or PRICK, they won't hear how the discussion groups I go to have helped me keep my sanity through the hardest time of my life, or how I feel so transcendent and euphoric during and after a scene. They won't talk about how my community raises money for good causes, or provides a market for local artists and craftsmen. The self awareness and honesty, the education and outreach, the Mental Health First Aid classes, all the good...just doesn't make for a titillating news article. But this does.

And that is sad.

But on the other hand though, I remember that there have been stories about bad things happening to people as result of Craigslist activities...whether "hookups" gone horror, or even scams regarding stuff for sale or property for rent...and now it is to be hoped that people using the site are being a bit more careful. Similarly, I've raised an eyebrow at people who use fetlife as a dating site, at least insofar as some seem willing to trust some "Dom" guy and go to his house without vetting him and all...and I hope that maybe a big, high profile case, might instill a bit of caution?

 

[Spork]

It's been one of those Saturdays. I dragged my butt out of bed after being mega lazy (procrasturbating, even!) until 9am. Made coffee. Sat at my computer, with my coffee. Fucked around in my financial spreadsheets. Had a peek at social media. Decided to create a playlist of "Fuckin' Music" as I'd been talking and thinking about that lately. I mean, I felt seriously weird playing Electric Hellfire Club for my last sex night with Zen...though a few of those songs are good (in general and for that in particular)...I was mildly distracted wondering what in the heck he was making of all the "hail Satan" business. I haven't REALLY listened to these CD's in their entirety in a bunch of years, but I know what those guys are about. It's...well, it's a lot.

He had, for context, related to me a memory of his church folks warning everyone in dire tones about "Knights in the Service of Satan" back in the day...and it's pretty laughable to me, to even contemplate KISS as a Satanic band. Um, no. Unless you REALLY take "money is the root of all evil" to heart. In which case, sure. I've never been a fan. They are way too formulaic and radio-ready for my pleasure. I like my tunes a bit more weird.

So. If I don't want entire CDs of unmitigated who-knows-whatever being the soundtrack to my sex life, I need to roll up my sleeves and get with the making of the modern equivalent of a mix tape here...

And so I have. Now I just have to render it flexible for playback by getting it set up on my phone somehow. My entire collection perused and parsed down to 40 songs. 3 hours worth. Which MIGHT be enough, depending on what kind of night it is.

And now it's 4:22 PM and I am sitting here, unshowered, having eaten only a bowl of cereal, in my sleepin' clothes, and I'm not going to make it to the whip class, and still unsure if I'm going to the party at Voodoo tonight. Maybe. Some social time might be good. If this weren't SO much music, I'd burn copies to take with...

But I was supposed to do laundry today, and maybe the dishes, and go get milk, and long story short, I've been sitting on ass, fiddle-farting around with my music collection ALL DAY and I feel kind of silly about that right now.

 

[Reverie]

Decided to create a playlist of "Fuckin' Music" as I'd been talking and thinking about that lately. I mean, I felt seriously weird playing Electric Hellfire Club for my last sex night with Zen...though a few of those songs are good (in general and for that in particular)...

So. If I don't want entire CDs of unmitigated who-knows-whatever being the soundtrack to my sex life, I need to roll up my sleeves and get with the making of the modern equivalent of a mix tape here...

And so I have. Now I just have to render it flexible for playback by getting it set up on my phone somehow. My entire collection perused and parsed down to 40 songs. 3 hours worth. Which MIGHT be enough, depending on what kind of night it is.

We actually use a Pandora subscription ($5/month for no mood-killing ads) for this purpose. We have a couple of carefully curated stations (it takes a few weeks to whip them into shape with thumbing tracks up and down) for sexytime, but once they are running smoothly, you can have basically unlimited hours of music that doesn't play in the same order every time. You could use your existing playlist as stations seeds, even.

 

[Spork]

We actually use a Pandora subscription ($5/month for no mood-killing ads) for this purpose. We have a couple of carefully curated stations (it takes a few weeks to whip them into shape with thumbing tracks up and down) for sexytime, but once they are running smoothly, you can have basically unlimited hours of music that doesn't play in the same order every time. You could use your existing playlist as stations seeds, even.

Thought about that. But I actually want to share some of the tunes that have had meaning for me, and I personally have some really rare tracks. Besides...I have now done all this work...lol...

I can joke that I'm staving off the danger of another night where the Zen Sadist ties me down and makes me listen to John Denver and Dan Fogelberg. The fact of that is...it makes for a funny story, but while the kind of music ain't my bag, the lyrics of the particular songs he had me hear really did reach me. But it gets to be a story, one of ~OUR~ stories and I like that. Being able to see it that way makes my heart all sweet, yanno? Between us, we've each got huge and varied music collections...though I think he probably has more variety than I do. It's digging into one another's interests and quirks and personalities.

It's worth the time and effort even if I feel like I was a lazy lump yesterday.

I never did go to that party. I actually had a bit of a situation...

OK so I don't talk about Analyst much because for one thing he apparently didn't really want me to, but now I'm gonna mention him and tough crap if he don't like it. Nyeh.

He's one of few lovers previous where we did some vigorous G-spot stimulation. He knows what he's doing, and I think I've squirted maybe 2 or 3 times in my life, one of those times was with him. But he advised me strongly to pee afterwards, as otherwise I'd be risking getting a UTI. Well frankly I couldn't wrap my brain around the mechanics of how that would even work, but I took his word for it.

Well, Zen and I got up to the same kind of shenanigans the other night and while the waterworks were still stubbornly evasive, I certainly was on the receiving end of some damn-near-intolerably strong, intense sensations. In fact it was two nights in a row, my guy was getting all medieval on my hoo-hah, and so yeah...that happened. I briefly thought, "wonder if I should go pee? Meh, don't really feel like it. Whateva."

So yeah. Couple days later...and I'd been feeling a little on and off again, over-sensitivity, mild almost discomfort...I don't think I've got a full blown UTI going on, but I've had attacks of frequent need to go, only a tiny bit happens, but it almost hurts... And I sure did not feel like going out to a party under these circumstances.

Interestingly, I have had this exact thing happen only once before, and it was during my ex's deployment when I was doing a lot of self-stimulation, even to the point of using several different toys (not something I typically do on my own) and I thought that maybe I'd somehow done it to myself. I went and was tested for UTI, and they suggested testing for STI's and since what the heck, I hadn't been tested in years (married/mono after all) I went with it. All negative. Yet I still had the problems. My doc shrugged, had no answer for me.

Well I've done some more digging on the internets...had to REALLY dig, because info that even sounds sensible on the subject of the v-jay isn't often easy to find (and the how/why on medical science being SO fucking ignorant about women's parts still astonishes me, I mean, is it seriously not 2016 now?)...and it seems that the kind of very vigorous pushing through the upper wall to get at the g-spot is also risking some minor injury and inflammation to the very short female urethra, the bladder, and the muscle that controls release of urine there....in other words, jamming away at those structures can in fact cause some lingering ouchiness that has to heal. And yes, infection can also result. I think in the sense that injury can cause infection as a logical consequence. Of course the internet is all hung up on the idea of butt germs having to be involved somehow, and that is fecking stupid. The reality is much more commonsense.

So Zen and I are gonna have to chill on that for a while. Of course we do a lot of things that cause me some minor damage that has to heal a bit, it's not something I'm too alarmed about.

Back to Analyst. So I disregarded his advice which may or may not in fact have anything at all to do with this result. To balance those scales I decided to actually FOLLOW his advice and stayed home to watch a show he'd recommended to me, "The IT Crowd." Well, that is just delightful. I love the goth in the server room. Excellent television. Thank you, Analyst.

And I'll try to remember about the peeing next time...

 

[icesong]

Very interesting to know. And explains why I occasionally have similar problems after some encounters with Artist. (He is both Very Endowed AND extremely talented at making me squirt. Like, every single time - and this is something other lovers have only done rarely. Tattooed was the one who figured out how to do it, Knight does it occasionally but apparently the technique on me is a bit different than anyone else he's ben with, but Artist? Every. Single. Time.)

 

[Spork]

I am thinking about a situation, because both Reverie and GirlFromTexlahoma are talking about metamours, cheating partners, ethics, and how much they do or don't care about this stuff.

I can say that in theory, if you take actual humans and situations completely out of it... I generally like people, I assume good things about people, and I'm so extroverted normally, so I don't like being a secret. I worry about someone being hurt, even someone I don't know let alone love, due to my choices. I assume that the other "she" is a lovely person, and I'd rather be friends than enemies.

Aha, BOOM, though THAT is the key. It's in my basic cowardice and conflict avoidance. I'm afraid of potential drama. The very idea that someone might not like me, and might be completely justified in not liking me due to my own actions or choices...HORRORS. No. Do not want. I'm ultimately afraid because I am doing something that I know is Bad and Wrong and I always believe I will be caught. I'm really not very good at breaking rules. It scares me.

All of that is in principle and theory.

Now to an actual situation though. This musician guy, we played a little last year, and he's got a girlfriend back home. We talked a lot about poly. I didn't feel comfortable messing around with him too much, although I like him very much...he was wishing he could do something like poly, but couldn't imagine telling his girlfriend about that. He already had another lover elsewhere, too, who was a secret. (I already knew this, it was incredibly easy for me to find out...which should have been a clue to him that if his girl wanted to do the detective work, she could find his secrets out very easily, too.) I did do some play activity with him but it did not go full-blown sexual intercourse. I was definitely struggling with moral qualms.

And later, though he is sending flirty emails, he is also telling me how much he loves her, and he shares her music with me (she is a singer of her own band, and very talented.) And I think...man, I really do not want to be party to any harm to this woman. He says that she struggles with depression, that his needs aren't met, and he feels like a caretaker in their relationship, that her habit of daily pot smoking bothers him and her both, and she often says she will quit, but then she never does.

*sigh* And I'm not really that good at keeping secrets. Not really. No. I talked to a friend, and now I have to worry about that friend letting it get back around to the girlfriend, and then the guy won't like ME any more...

It's very high school. And that's why I don't like getting mixed up in these things to begin with. I'm too damn live out loud for it. I am not good at doing anything in a closet. Ever.

.............

On another note. Said friend is in fact getting on my damn nerves on social media. She says that if you are upset by X, then you must also be upset by Y. I'm getting goddamned annoyed with her and I kind of want to tell her, look...you don't get to tell me how I need to feel about anything, toots! But of course now she's got dirt on me, and she could just tell everyone, so I won't stand up to her about anything.

It's all about this Trump nonsense. I was upset about his comments with regard to women. She says therefore I need to be JUST AS OUTRAGED at every instance of a man disrespecting women, including *hint hint* when a man cheats on his girlfriend *hint hint.*

I sent her a message, and I was like, "Look...I don't know if that was some kind of a threat, but if it was, understand that I don't appreciate it. Are we friends, or are we not? If you plan to out me or him, then I'm not sure I can trust you."

And there have been other instances of things where I want to push back on something she's saying, but now I hold back. Meanwhile, musician's girlfriend added me as a friend on Facebook (we have never met) and liked the pics of me hugging her guy at a show. I sense that she knows, but I've no idea if he took my advice and told her, or if the friend I should never have opened my mouth to, did.

And yanno what? I feel like I never should have gotten mixed up with any of that shit! It's revoltingly high school drama llama man! I do not dig! And ultimately, my moral compass goes right back around to, "ya never ought to have fooled around with that guy, ya knew darn well it weren't right!" I violated my own ethics and then I failed to keep it secret. BUT I DON'T LIKE FUCKING SECRETS!!

So.

This sort of stuff is why, even though I totally get wanting what you want, and I know I can talk myself out of any guilt and justify how it's not my responsibility to maintain the ethics of a partner's other relationships, and so on and so forth... There are times where my gut just tells me that no matter what logic I try and apply to the situation, it is not right and does not feel kosher and when I defy that gut feeling, I tend to pay for it.

I imagine if I were better at keeping my mouth shut, I might not have that problem though. *shrug* ??

 

[PinkPig]

This sort of stuff is why, even though I totally get wanting what you want, and I know I can talk myself out of any guilt and justify how it's not my responsibility to maintain the ethics of a partner's other relationships, and so on and so forth... There are times where my gut just tells me that no matter what logic I try and apply to the situation, it is not right and does not feel kosher and when I defy that gut feeling, I tend to pay for it.

I imagine if I were better at keeping my mouth shut, I might not have that problem though. *shrug* ??

You know, I'm the kind of person who considers the impact on third parties, too. I've ignored my gut to my peril. I'm a firm believer that we should listen to our guts more and skip trying to logic/reason away our feelings. Our feelings may not be facts but they are indicators that we need to pay attention to. It is fascinating to me, though, that we are all wired so differently when it comes to this stuff. Blue and Emerald (middle kid) are more of the "not my people, not my problem" kind of guys and Ruby (oldest kid) and I are both "but they are people." I think life would be easier if I were of the "not my people, not my problem" type...but I'm not and trying to make myself doesn't work.

 

[Reverie]

This sort of stuff is why, even though I totally get wanting what you want, and I know I can talk myself out of any guilt and justify how it's not my responsibility to maintain the ethics of a partner's other relationships, and so on and so forth... There are times where my gut just tells me that no matter what logic I try and apply to the situation, it is not right and does not feel kosher and when I defy that gut feeling, I tend to pay for it.

You know, I'm the kind of person who considers the impact on third parties, too. I've ignored my gut to my peril. I'm a firm believer that we should listen to our guts more and skip trying to logic/reason away our feelings. Our feelings may not be facts but they are indicators that we need to pay attention to. It is fascinating to me, though, that we are all wired so differently when it comes to this stuff.

See, for me, where logic comes in is to TRY to feel the feeling in the first place—not to suppress it.

My default is the non-feeling void on these matters. But sometimes I can use the logic-hammer to pretzel myself into feeling something about it, usually in a three step process of 1) how would I feel if someone did that to me, 2) remember that other people may not be exactly like me but they also might be so they might feel the same way, 3) well, if the feeling is bad then I should probably try to avoid making other people feel it.

This is how I learned the basic tenets of empathy. If I can gin up an emotion in relation to imagining it happening to myself, I can usually extrapolate it out to other people. At least, now that I am practiced at it. Over the years I have learned more and more how to become human instead of the weird emotional alien/robot/tornado combination I was born into being.

I often envy people for whom "regular" emotion and social connection come easily—those people with a reliably north-pointing moral compass. It makes everything so much more challenging to have to study these things and do mental gymnastics to understand them instead of just being able to intuit them and trust my gut.

 

[Spork]

Honestly, the easiest part of it for me is the fear of drama.

Like even if the meta-person was a horrible individual that I would never like or empathize with in a million years, I'd be thinking, "Oh boy. So I mess with you, and then she catches you, and then she's blowing up my phone, and just...nah. You're not worth it, bro. On your way."

Especially since usually this is known BEFORE I'm emotionally all invested in somebody. Reverie and Beckett, that is a different animal, because they do predate this new partner of his. And there is emotional investment there. And also that feeling that "what are the odds of this other relationship he's supposedly trying to do, actually working the way he says he wants it to work...?"

 

[Reverie]

And also that feeling that "what are the odds of this other relationship he's supposedly trying to do, actually working the way he says he wants it to work...?"

THIS IS THE MILLION-DOLLAR QUESTION. lol

 

[Spork]

I'm having an interesting facebook conversation with an AMAZING Domme who runs a venue up in Denver. I go there occasionally for workshops.

She posted a story about a man who shot a woman because she turned him down for a marriage proposal. She says something along the lines of how this illustrates the whole "Men are afraid women will mock them, women are afraid men will kill them" thing. Hmm...well. Yes and no. I honestly cannot go through life being afraid that men will kill me, I won't lie, I can't. And I do have to believe that most people (men, women, people) are basically good inside.

But I saw a whole mess of "if you liked THAT news story, here are a bunch MORE about men victimizing women, for your clicky pleasure!" on stupid facebook below her post. And I commented about that. And there was one with a 15 year old kid who threatened to shoot all the girls in his school because none of them would "send nudes." And I'm like man...they are learning this shiz young, like what can we do to NOT raise boys who become men who shoot women, what is at the root of all this? Is it maybe the rampant consumer culture we live in playing a part in it, I wonder?

Now what I meant by that is... Busy parents who have easier ability to hand a kid a console system, than spend time with him...who work constantly, who are stressed, who are sorting through their own complicated heads while trying to raise the next generation, who are maybe going through divorce, etc. It's hard to be a parent. I know. I AM one. But it's too damn easy to raise a boy who understands love as "Mom gives me what I want." And then maybe expects others to do the same, and when it doesn't work out that way, they feel generally unliked, unloved, rejected by society...and they lash out. At themselves, at women, at whatever.

A theory?

All I know is that there are young men in my world who are really full of hurt, and are having a hell of a time trying to figure out how to human, and it is becoming disturbingly commonplace. And when you see these stories about young men who reach out for love and just can not handle disappointment...and become violent... I'm over here like, "what were the building blocks that went into this structure?" I keep trying to offer conversation and compassion to the ones I meet online, but too often they are so fixated on trying to get a woman to love them (including sex) that anything other than that just does nothing for their general frustration. Eventually they vanish. I have no idea what becomes of them, usually.

I am a compassionate human and I want to help, but I don't know how.

Meanwhile I am raising a 15 year old kid who I struggle to help in becoming a functional person. He's internalized a lot of really bad shit from being in the same household as his Dad, who was one of these toxic males who feels that a relationship is the "higher purpose" that validates his entire existence. And kiddo has JUST discovered females. And had one tell him that she cannot have a boyfriend right now, she isn't allowed to...but she is still treating him as a friend. Well to ME, this is a perfectly acceptable situation. But the boy is hoping that he'll get to see what this sex business is all about, right, and he's really disappointed that getting anywhere near it is actually pretty damn difficult. At one point he said, "I give up!" and I laughed because he's barely even begun to try! But this is textbook for what he watched his Dad do since we broke up.

This same kid, before we moved out, was so stressed and anxious that he was pulling his own hair out. He was in a really bad place. And at one time he told me he was transgendered, but now he says he's not. Honestly I think that when he said that, he wanted ANYTHING that would let him trade his identity and life for that of someone who was not him, not going through the things he was going through. Now it's a little better and so, he's trying different fashion statements and trying to find himself, trying to make friends, doing what normal high school kids do. But he is so, so sensitive.

And very damaged because his father always had approval for his big brother, and none for him. He's desperate to be validated, and validation from Mom seems...almost meaningless.

But. He also is coming up against the fact that we cannot afford to give him what we used to. For years our money was good and we all benefited from that. The kids got whatever they wanted, if they only had to wait until the next Christmas or Birthday to get it. Thousands of dollars of electronics...which they took for granted, and often broke, only to have it (eventually) replaced... I spoiled those kids. I spoiled myself. We all had it good back then. Now, the money just isn't there. I try to give Q my time instead...and more often than not, he doesn't even want that, unless he can make me change my plans to go do something else. If I'm available, doing nothing, he only wants to sit in his room on his computer. But if I've got a date with Zen, or a party or discussion group, or if I'm even trying to have an adult conversation with Old Wolf...Q is all up in there demanding attention. It's only valuable if he can take it from someone or something else. I don't like this. I don't like how entitled he has come to be. I want him to be conscientious and not self centered, and to be respectful of others, to understand that love is not when somebody gives you whatever you want. To not have a toxic mindset of fragile male ego coupled with entitlement.

Anyhow. I talked about some of this on that facebook conversation. I'm afraid that what underlies so much of the violence men unleash upon women (the bad kind) is a deeply injured sort of toxic masculine archetype, and I don't know how to parent well enough to make sure my son isn't one of these lost young men who can't seem to figure out how to human, one day. It's scary, being a parent.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

See, for me, where logic comes in is to TRY to feel the feeling in the first place—not to suppress it.

My default is the non-feeling void on these matters. But sometimes I can use the logic-hammer to pretzel myself into feeling something about it, usually in a three step process of 1) how would I feel if someone did that to me, 2) remember that other people may not be exactly like me but they also might be so they might feel the same way, 3) well, if the feeling is bad then I should probably try to avoid making other people feel it.

This is how I learned the basic tenets of empathy. If I can gin up an emotion in relation to imagining it happening to myself, I can usually extrapolate it out to other people. At least, now that I am practiced at it. Over the years I have learned more and more how to become human instead of the weird emotional alien/robot/tornado combination I was born into being.

I often envy people for whom "regular" emotion and social connection come easily—those people with a reliably north-pointing moral compass. It makes everything so much more challenging to have to study these things and do mental gymnastics to understand them instead of just being able to intuit them and trust my gut.

Yes. All of this. I don't have trouble summoning feeling and empathy for my close people, but everyone else, I completely have to logic my way into it. And it still only sometimes works.

I get so much advice to ignore how other people do poly, and just do whatever works for me... And for most people I think that's a good strategy... But honestly, left to my own devices, I'm kind of an asshole. So I'm always poking and probing at things in an effort to keep that in check.

 

[Magdlyn]

I've been off the board for a week, so my comment goes back into the past... I had noticed that The Wolf guy on FL some times ago... interesting he's been arrested. As far as I could tell, the women he interacted with welcomed his very extreme ... attentions. From what I saw, brutal belt whippings, and unlubed forceful anal. Now I wonder where to go read about what is going on legally...

 

[Spork]

OK I have to say something about this right now...

I really love when something seemingly no big deal just MAKES MY DAY. Little things, I don't know.

But I get to a point where all the music I own, I've heard so many times...and then someone introduces me to something new, and once in a blue moon, I'll hear a song and be like OMG THAT IS THE BESTEST THING EVER EVER!!!

And last night, Zen introduced me to a band (Abney Park) and a song (Clockyard) based on me telling him how I used to pick up bits of hardware on the side of the road...bolts, washers, springs, grubby mechanical trash from wherever I found it...thinking I was going to make an "invention." (When I was a kid.) So. My story, it reminded him of this song, and he played it for me.

I LOVE THIS SONG!

And having a new music to dig out on, really makes my day, brings me so much happiness. So here, you guys, LISTEN TO IT!!

https://youtu.be/5aoaynVf0Z4

I've been off the board for a week, so my comment goes back into the past... I had noticed that The Wolf guy on FL some times ago... interesting he's been arrested. As far as I could tell, the women he interacted with welcomed his very extreme ... attentions. From what I saw, brutal belt whippings, and unlubed forceful anal. Now I wonder where to go read about what is going on legally...

Mags, I'm at work so I don't want to go visit actual websites about this, but it's being widely reported on various news sites. If you copy this:

the wolf arrested australia

...and paste it into Google, you're going to get quite a lot of news results.

Also, fetlife's k&p writings had a lot of people buzzing about the whole thing, complaining that the site admins ("caretakers" or Baku himself) had silenced anyone who spoke out against TW because his content was very popular and garnered a lot of site traffic. I cannot speak to that, not being someone who was trying to speak against him. I very rarely visited the k&P or broader public content portion of Fetlife, I mostly used it like a community facebook to communicate with my real life friends here and track events. Back when I first joined (only last year) I did browse those more public writings, pics, and so on though, and so I was familiar with the guy in a vague "yeah, I've heard of him" sense.

My worry was that there could be enough outcry to end up getting fetlife itself shut down...but it doesn't look like that is a possibility here.