The story of Spork.

[PinkPig]

Hey, Spork. Sounds like Blue and Zen have some similar beliefs. Blue practices Zen Buddhism and eastern yoga (as a lifestyle not an exercise.) He prefers not to expend yang through orgasm either because he believes it weakens the body, mind, and spirit (he doesn't believe it will make him immortal), and it prevents him from continuing to pleasure his woman/women. He will cum, but usually not more than a couple times/week.... only rarely more than once a day though he is capable of it, as he's cum with me three times in one day, and usually only when he's certain his partner is fully satisfied. When he is sick or injured, he won't cum at all to preserve yang in order to heal his body. Like Zen, his focus is on pleasuring the woman/women he's with. I'm very fortunate that I've always been multi-orgasmic and always been able to cum through PIV (even as a teen)...but I came much more with Blue than with my previous partners. It was a different experience for me...though I will say that my ex-husband was usually focused on my pleasure, too...but still not nearly like Blue.

I haven't read the book you referenced so I can't really comment on the rest. But, I do find this topic fascinating

 

[Spork]

Well, see, I always just assumed that orgasms felt similarly for men and for women.

But...perhaps not?

I mean, I know that when I have one I often feel tired in a golden, drowsy sort of way. It's pleasant. I wish to lie there and sort of soak in it, like sunshine. I will often doze off, but within something like 20 minutes, even if I don't have to wake up, I become fully alert and massively energized. It's like a reset button for my whole system. That is, if I am alone and I get myself there. That is the biological and chemical effect of simply getting off, for me. But it completely lacks the human energy factor, which is what I really, REALLY get out of sex.

Also, Zen has me experiencing many different kinds of orgasms that feel different, that I cannot really do on my own. That is cool!

It is hard sometimes and a bit uncomfortable when he (or any lover) expects that after I climax, I will just continue on with whatever we were doing that got me there, with no change in pace, no recovery, no rest, as though it never happened...I just assume that's the price one pays to be a woman. I assumed a man COULD do something similar, if he didn't lose his wood, but the whole business of him suddenly being utterly useless was a bit like how women can get sick and still do everything (because we have to) and men get sick and are on bed rest and can't lift a finger (because they can get away with it.) I thought it was more socialization than not.

Honestly, I don't always want to just keep going and going. Sometimes I would like a rest, too. But I just assume that the pace and activity of sex isn't really up to me. But then give me a rest and I want more before long. And if it is very good, I am quite happy to have it every day or several sessions a day (which news would stun my ex, believe me, if he knew.)

My bafflement was always when a partner seemed to be enjoying our time together (Worm King) and I assured him repeatedly that I was not trying to monopolize his life, didn't need to be his only woman, didn't want to marry him or move in, would never get pregnant, and was happy with what we were doing...and then he starts flaking out and pushing me away...but I got him off like three times in a night, which really surprised HIM that he could even do that, and did that not mean that it was wonderful for him? He said other women did not do that necessarily for him, he said sex with me was fun...why did he want it to stop? I would play the game by any rules he liked...and he seemed (by evidence of orgasms) to be so pleased, why would he want it to stop? It just makes no sense to me.

And he would never answer.

And then I find out that he always does this. He takes lovers...enjoys them a while...and then shoo's them out of his life.

And then there is a man like Zen, who is not getting his rocks off left and right by any means at all, but yet seems to be really in love with me and wanting to keep me around, move in, and bond, and I am again confused...and have felt compelled to vex him with questions of what he gets out of this, as he is so often serving my needs and not his own, as far as I understand it.

I am saying that maybe I don't understand shit and I'm just clueless, despite a lifetime of attempts at getting plenty of experience, about how men operate and what is important to them in love and sex. I really don't know. Maybe my whole Western framework of looking at all of it is flawed.

 

[PinkPig]

I see. Well, speaking for myself, I can say that different orgasms feel different for me...and always have. There are some orgasms that make me feel like what you describe...blissful and ready for a nap, not wanting or capable of more in that moment. Others that leave me wanting more. On a rare occasion, I'll come so hard I will feel physically ill afterwards. Some are just a local sensation, others more full body. In all cases, I still feel really connected to my partner immediately after an orgasm, even when the relationship is rocky.

My ex was much like you described...ready to sleep or get the hell out of the room after the obligatory but brief post-coital cuddle. Lol, I guess he fit your stereotype. Not in the sense that he would love and leave like your wormking but in the sense that he did disconnect emotionally and physically after sex. Versus with Blue, unless we had somewhere to be, the period after sex was always filled with cuddles, conversation, or joint napping, wrapped in one another, frequently, more sex after a rest. Despite no longer being a couple or partners, we are still emotionally attached...just more loosely than before. I will ask him about this when next I see him.

I guess I was stuck in longevity of the relationship when thinking of the disconnection. I had the reverse experience....my ex and I were together decades but he almost always disconnected after sex. Blue and I were together a few years but almost always sustained the connection after sex. My ex had few partners....Blue's had many.

 

[Spork]

I suppose I am, at a very fundamental level, wondering if ejaculation makes males feel less connected to their partner, or more, or if it has nothing to do with it...?

I mean people are super complicated anyways, and it's a foolish and silly thing for me to be trying to extrapolate any one man's (or few men's) behaviors into some sort of a trend, as it probably is to form expectations for any one based upon the behavior of most.

I am seeking to recognize where some of my expectations...and therefore my dissonance and discomfort...comes from.

My mind says, "This is what Zen has said to you. He is describing what he's feeling and experiencing. Stop worrying about what you think you know about men, and just believe him."

My heart says that no man looks at a woman that way if he does not feel some pretty significant things. I should trust that look.

I read this book, which says that the Western focus on a man's orgasm is a fast path to dissatisfaction in sex not only for women, but also for men, and that savoring their partner's joy and satisfaction is the true ecstasy for a man, and I'm like...really? More than merely for the sake of pleasing the ego and validating his worth, though? When all I have been told is that a man only really wants to be stimulated and to get off, that it's "all about the peen?" I mean...what is all this, then?

It is only that I am, to speak in terms of this Tao book, a very hungry woman with a rather large appetite for love. Let us expand upon this metaphor a moment. I have had a steady diet of food that either met my basic needs for sustenance but left me feeling very unsatisfied, or on rare occasion an inadequate and not so nourishing portion of something truly delicious. I have only now discovered something that both delights and sustains me, and begun to thrive on it. And there are not many limits to my desire and appetite for this. But by "this" I don't mean, necessarily, even the most enjoyable of the exertions that my lover puts in on my behalf, though I am delighted with such...I mean HIM. All the contact, all of the sensory joy he brings to my life and my world.

I am at the same time so full, and yet so hungry. ALL THE TIME.

The man who wrote this Tao book would be nodding his head right now.

On days where I have no contact at all with my lover, I actually feel deprived of him. Two days running and I start feeling very hungry indeed. Add in other factors, such as intellectual boredom during my daily routine, or stress, or hormones, or drop, or nicotine withdrawal (yes, I still sometimes suffer that quite sharply and refraining from smoking is still a challenge.) And my mind can start worrying and fussing at things...

The author says this is where people turn to self destructive behaviors, out of unfulfilled love hunger. And proposes that women especially benefit from having multiple lovers if it feeds their appetites. The issue I have with this is that there is a particular kind of love-nourishment I crave and it's not easy to get.

I said to Zen today that I would rather have lunch with him so that I could look into his eyes and hold his hands, than have sex (even good sex with orgasms) with others, meaning that even when it was good...there is something particular about him that really feeds my spirit and I need that.

Now, I did get a flicker of something similar feeling from the Worm King, and he's the only one since my marriage who had the...particular sort of mojo...that really clicked for me. It isn't a matter of "better" or "worse" from an objective standpoint. My other lovers were generally good lovers, they had their talents, and were fairly attentive and we had fun...and I adore them for many reasons now, as my friends. There was just an energy that I needed to connect with and I could not engage that with them. Worm King? He's a tiny flickering star to Zen's blazing sun, a puddle to Zen's vast ocean, a carousel ride to Zen's adrenaline firing coaster ride, he was nice...and interesting for being even a little bit of that elusive thing I need...but nowhere near the same.

But anyways. I think that my periods of fuss and fear and doubt, my little paranoias and jealousies, my questions of my own worth and concerns about Zen's enjoyment of me and all of that stuff...I think a lot of it has come down to not so much really real PROBLEMS but more just a restless hunger for him. Or else when I am with him, I have too much good stuff happening in my brain to worry about anything much. Though there is certainly childhood and socialization baggage there, my own hangups and self esteem weak spots, that sort of thing.

 

[Spork]

Here we go... I just read another thing.

A friend posted this on Facebook...for the record I would like to state that I didn't open it because I am addicted to my abusive ex. I am not. I was just interested in reading it for the ties between addiction and love, and lo! Pay dirt my friends...

From: https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/untitled-article-1473374914

When we're in love, our VTA produces, scientifically speaking, a shit-ton of dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that many used to think was simply a pleasure chemical. But an emerging theory suggests dopamine actually relates more to salience; it tells us what to pay attention to—whether that's a pattern we can recognize, a painful stimulus, or a sweet high. Dopamine is sent from our VTA to another spot in the brain called the nucleus accumbens. The nucleus accumbens is responsible for motivation, teaching us which things to seek and which to avoid. Dopamine is produced by an action, which reinforces our desire to repeat that action.

...

A 2007 study found that even hearing your partner's name is enough to get the dopamine rushing.

This is your Spork. This is your Spork on dopamine. Any questions?

 

[Spork]

And finally, my horoscope this week...

Answers to all of my "do I dare even hope?" and "could this possible be real?" feelings, in conjunction with my fears that have to do with my personal confidence (AM I FUCKING IT ALL UP? CAN I EVEN BE TRUSTED TO ADULT ANYMORE??)

Thanks, Cal Garrison. I needed to hear it.

You could be fooling yourself – but who cares - because it sure feels better than whatever led you to this place. If at times you wonder to what extent you’re seeing what you want to see, you need to know that it’s what we all do, and it’s no crime to want the vision to be as real as it can possibly be. This is how we learn to tell the difference between what’s true and what’s not. Don’t be too precious about your decisions, or overly cautious, or too careful; you’re in the middle of a situation that will work out better if you let yourself believe that it’s the answer to everything.

http://www.calgarrison.com/weekly-horoscopes.html

 

[Tinwen]

Hi Spork,
your writing is interesting.

I'm not going to find the exact quotations, but on the "looking with hungry eyes" thing, yes, that is appalling. To the degrees you describe with Old Wolf there's probably no one going to enjoy.
I've got the feeling that there might be one more level besides neediness and fear - a slightly different but similar one - which is in the rank of DS. I think I'm less willing to "take care" of a man, because it's in direct conflict with my submissivity and the needs I have in sex, while more dominant ladies and dominant man have an easier time with it, or outright enjoy that they're the ones taking care in this area of life. Hence the commonality of daddy/little girl dynamics.
I get the feeling you are somewhat submissive too, by my definition at least, so I write it just in case the distinction helps your fear of being cast aside because of adoration a little bit.

The other part that caught my attention is the "I always assumed a man's orgasm feels a basically like mine". And... I don't know if it's true. However, I too assume that a man's orgasm feels kind of like a clitorial orgasm of mine. You know that feeling when you come off and then your clit is overstimulated and just doesn't want to be touched anymore? And you want just a bit of rest? I assume that's how a man's (conventional) orgasm feels, but I by no means have evidence enough.

Tantra and your Tao book obviously share some beliefs about sex. The tantra course we were attending stated that penis or clit stimulation is "masculine" kind of sexual energy, while vaginal stimulation is the "feminine" kind. Interestingly, the man's "feminine" counterpart to a penis is the prostate, so through prostate stimulation a man can experience orgasm which is more similar to a woman's experience.
Of course, there are many more kinds of orgasms. Like the one where you have the emotional experience of orgasm with hardly any physical stimulation at all, and without the bodily expression of it.

I do think cuddling after orgasm doesn't come as naturally to men as to women, but I'm pretty sure it's beneficial for them as well.
I also think the "it's all about the dick" notion stems from an utter ignorance of some man about how sex works on a higher level and how their own body works. I am pretty sure most man can enjoy a much wider spectrum of sexual activity than just this kind of stimulation, sadly, they never learn to enjoy it.
Taste can adjust. It's kind of like when you insist your salty fatty junk food is the best tasting ever because you're kind of addicted to it and have never taken the time to appreciate anything better.

 

[Magdlyn]

In the past decade I've been with men who were multi orgasmic, men who couldn't cum, and men who could barely get hard. I've also been with a pre-op transwoman.

Everyone is a little bit different. Some liked to cuddle and fall asleep in my arms, some felt they needed to get right up, get dressed and go do something.

Many, if not most of them, whatever their own orgasm capacity, got extreme pleasure and extra arousal from pleasuring me. I believe getting me off over and over again provided them with a stronger orgasm when it was finally time for one.

I clearly recall more than one young man who was obviously used to masturbating and getting himself off as quickly and silently as possible. I wouldn't let him fuck me as soon as he wanted to. I would "edge" him and require him to finger me or spank me or give me head or kiss me, or use toys, or whatever... and he would end up with the most intense orgasm of his life. At least 2 young men have told me this. I've had them shaking with extreme arousal. And having a full body orgasm, not just a penis based one.

I've been with several men, who, due to age or psychological or physical issues, were unable to cum. They really enjoyed "moreplay." It WAS sex to them. Would they have preferred to cum? Probably. Were they about to give up on sex just because they couldn't cum? No way.

I've also been with men who don't care if they cum or not, even if they are capable of it. Some have told me, don't let me cum. They enjoy ending a session without cumming so that they are still in a somewhat aroused state after a sex session. It enhances their life.

And of course, I've been with men who can cum 3 times in one session, or 5 times in one day. Men who can cum, stay hard, stay inside me and keep going, or men who soften for 5-10 minutes and then are raring to go again. Of all ages, early 20s to early 50s. Some had NRE for me, some were established relationships. Some were kinky, some more vanilla. It might help that I am SO multi orgasmic (can cum 30 times in an hour and a half session, and capable of many more Os if more than one session happens in a day) that I inspire them to keep going after their first orgasm. If I don't feel satisfied after a man cums, I don't hesitate to take out my vibe as I lie next to them. This will often inspire a guy to take over the vibe, then get hard and want to fuck some more! lol Good times.

I've never faked an orgasm. I became mega orgasmic in my early 40s, but prior to that, was always good for 3 Os, even in quickie of 10 minutes. But I wouldn't fake one just so the guy "wouldn't feel bad." If a guy can't make me cum, and won't do enough foreplay or fuck well enough, he deserves to feel bad. Men aren't born knowing how to pleasure a woman. They must be taught.

 

[Spork]

Tinwen:

Thank you, and yes. I think that Old Wolf walks a thin line to being a "predatory submissive" and while he prefers to think of himself as "predator" in the "I am a wolf" (no you are not, you are a dog who calls himself a wolf) and the "I am a dominant/alpha" sense...he seeks to demand things from women that are D/s ish, but he scorns and hates the way of doing things, with negotiation and consent. He doesn't want to admit that what he really wants and needs is to submit to a woman. If it could be framed in his mind in a way he would accept, NOTHING would make him happier than wearing a collar and leash (he did it for me early in our relationship, he wanted to be my "pet savage" and it absolutely thrilled him.) He does some other kinks in private that he is deeply ashamed of and does not want anyone to know about (so I won't discuss them here, though I don't find them shameful, personally...just not very interesting.) He has a submissive nature but he hates it. And so to some extent, he is projecting all of this shame and self loathing, along with his waiting for her to trigger his abandonment stuff so that he can say "SEE! EVERY WOMAN IS OUT TO DESTROY ME!" He sort of keeps replaying this script of personal trauma over and over in his life like a broken record. I had to get off that ride. I hope one day he does, too.

Oddly, when we talk, he tells me about work he is doing with Song and her BF and I get the odd sense he is making peace with them both as a couple...and he sounds oddly caring about BF's needs. Like he went up there hoping he could beat him up, scare him off, or even kill him...and now, he is talking about how they're working together to put gravel in the driveway and stuff.

It would really be something, if the man who gave me ENDLESS shit about how sick and weird poly is, and how "he could never" and all...wound up in a long term MFM Vee. But he has a habit of being the most judgmental and scornful of things that deep down secretly, he kind of likes to think about where no one can see him do it.

Now for me, and yes, I'm mostly submissive, Tinwen...I think I am about as switch, as I am bisexual, which is to say a little bit, maybe 10-20% tops...not only does his need to submit align poorly with my need to have a partner with at least a Dominant sort of energy, which whatever Zen thinks I do feel he has...but Old Wolf's hypocrisy and tendency to be SO judgmental and righteous about those things that are in fact kind of his own skeletons in the closet... All of that is seriously squicky to me. I strive to live as true to my own values as possible and prefer to have no secrets, to live out loud and be as authentic as I can to everyone around me. And in my experience, the most horrific things humans are capable of, often hide behind this righteous, "I am a Good Man, and you must trust my upstanding, honorable, moral self, because I said so!" thing. Who exactly are you trying to convince?

So yeah, as I recognized these things ages ago, that's what had me sort of disconnected from intimacy, along with some other behavior that pushed me away emotionally and caused me to build defenses. But I could have kept going if it hadn't been for all the threats of violence, the not working, the daily pot and alcohol...it had to get pretty bad before I finally gave up.

 

[Spork]

To address the subject of orgasms...

Yes, I was thinking of those I have from the clitoral stimulation when I spoke of what men's maybe felt like. So for all of my teen years and up until Old Wolf came into my life at age 18, I never got off from sex. I'd been able to get myself there alone, since I was a small child, from clitoral stimulation with great pressure, and I did that regularly. But never with a partner. I just faked it or lied. I had 33 male partners and 5 female partners and never got off, with any of them, before Old Wolf came into my life.

Why, if I was not having orgasms, did I seek sex so fiercely? Because as this Tao book puts it, I was love starved. It was not orgasms I craved, it was love. But I became "trained" that what men got out of it was orgasms. That's what they wanted and needed me for, and I was doing basic trade in sexual pleasure for them, love feelings and contact for me. Even though I did not get extremely lovingly attached to very many of them, the experience, the touch, the contact, and feeling special to another person for even a bit, was good enough to keep chasing it. Though I was seeking something that would really engage more of my gears and a real, true connection. It eluded me but I did not give up hope.

For a significant majority of my partners, if they were not getting the experience of orgasm within the body of another person, I don't know why they would have bothered to spend any time with me at all. And I am an extrovert. I crave human contact. I do not like to be alone.

Also, you know how, if you have a flaw or a stain on your shirt or something, you call it out to people, point it out and explain it? This takes their power to judge you away. It is a defense. You demonstrate that "yes, I am aware of this flaw, and see, I have pointed it out, so clearly it has no power to embarrass me."

So the boys opinions were really important, when you're a love starved teenage girl. They had the power to give me positive attention and lift me up and make me have value...or to mock, degrade and destroy me. I watched them do it to other girls. I heard who they liked, and who they didn't. And then I heard them say disgusting, vulgar and vicious things about both the girls they liked and the ones they did not. What they would do to the pretty golden ones, given the chance, followed by laughter at the vulgarity and the nastiness of it. And how revolting the unattractive women were and how no one would ever want or love them. All the things they said, and the other girls said. No one was safe. Being a woman meant being degraded, hated, debased. There is no dignity or goodness in being female, at all. Being a boy meant being smart, interesting, a whole person, with all the power.

Which echoed how disappointing and unlikeable I felt to everyone in my world as a child, and how I just could not be what anyone wanted.

So how did I defend myself from that?

Well yes, I am a woman, and I have a sexuality. I have painted it red and black and I will take it to WAR. I will use it as a weapon. Send me your virgins...send them into my den. And I wore my sexy clothes, and I looked my sinister looks, and I dragged the boys home and lit all of my candles and my fires and I played my devil music and I demanded that they give me what I wanted. And in a world of cruelty, I wielded love and kindness and sex and acceptance as my weapons, and I rose above. I took myself out of the game everyone else was playing. I changed the rules.

So no. I wasn't having orgasms. But who in the hell cared? Not me. I felt powerful. I could not be hurt. Although truly? I was hurting all the time. Because none of it really meant anything at all....and I knew it.

So when Old Wolf came along, I was primed to be somebody's Somebody. I felt like nothing I was doing with my life had any meaning. I had no idea what I was doing or where anything was going, and I was just dissatisfied and restless with it all. I started out with him thinking it was just another guy, just another partner, with no idea that when you're an adult, if you let someone like him get as attached as he was liable to get, he will grab hold and not let go. We're not talking a boy coming over and having sex sometimes for a matter of months, we are talking about joint bank accounts, and babies. I did not know what I was getting into...at all.

I don't know why I suddenly felt free to experiment a little more in bed. I was so surprised to learn how much he liked that, if I "helped" and got myself off. But sex eventually became routine. 18 years of ten minute sex sessions. We'd both get off...but mine were like butterfly orgasms. A brief little flutter and then gone before I even knew it was happening. To the point I'd question if it even happened and felt terribly disappointed and seriously unsatisfied. I would sneak and get myself off when he was in the bathroom or out smoking. I did not want him to know, because I didn't want him to think I wanted more sex with him...I did not want that. It wouldn't satisfy me anyways. Even thinking of sex with him, to this day, there is something in my spirit that recoils and wants to hide. I was there...but I wasn't really there...for most of that time.

...continued one more time...
(sorry, I suck so bad at brevity lol!)

 

[Spork]

...OK last one, I promise!! >.< ...

Since him, I've had a few pointless lovers I wish I had not bothered with (trial and error) and I've had some really good ones. I've explored kink, the quad was beautiful in all the sensual and playful stuff we did, though not remotely frequent enough to keep me feeling connected. And now Zen.

Before Zen, I'd experienced the drum beat of a self-administered clitoral orgasm, and the butterflies of a lame one with Old Wolf, and some with the quad that were quite good as well, I did not get off with Worm King but sex with him was delicious and frankly if I could wave a wand and have whatever my little heart desires, I'd have a relationship with Zen that was just open enough to allow me to rarely hook up with Worm King as a FWB/FB arrangement...like maybe once every month or two (and I'd also magically make him less of a complete flake and potential sociopath, and sexual disease risk would be nonexistant and we'd have world peace...we are talking sparkly unicorn bullshit here, not reality.) I miss what we had a little, even though Zen is vastly better...but I don't miss it enough to need it, or to put up with the headfuckery that comes with it.

The various kinds of orgasms I get with Zen...the blinding light and piercing intensity of the internal ones (you know the Tao refers to squirting as "the tide of Yin?") and the full body ones, and ones that actually make me feel like I have a fever and chills and fever and chills in waves and the ones that go on forever at a perfectly sustained high note of sensation without ever quite tipping over the edge... And even the momentary pulse of sheer chemical bliss when I see him, hear him, get any communication from him, think of him or feel his touch. And I let Zen into my head as I have never been comfortable to do before. I tell him my fantasies. I want all of him and I am willing to give all of me. (EDIT: All of him that he is willing to share, of course.)

I can certainly get things out of sex if I don't get off. But men doing so? That is a new one for me. Zen is not the first who I've had sex with who did not finish sometimes. But the other few...they seemed disappointed and I don't feel like they enjoyed the experience, and we did not repeat it. I assumed I just didn't really do it for them. One cried, and I had to reassure him that I didn't think less of him for it. One I abruptly terminated our activities because he bit me hard on the face, and he never had a chance to finish. One, after he did not get off, and neither did I, and we just stopped because neither of us felt like going on anymore, we watched TV with his friends later and he was on about how hot these women in music videos were and laughingly told me that he wished I were as hot as them, and his friends agreed that every guy wished he could have a girl that hot to fuck. Pretty clear...he didn't enjoy sex with me because I was not very pretty. So I stopped going to his house. I didn't date him for long. Another more recent, and we were a poor match in bed, very out of sync with rhythm and energy. I never went back. We said we'd stay friends, but neither of us put much energy into that once sex was off the table. And finally one who was simply too drunk, a one night stand with no connection. I don't even know why I did that. Kind of a "YOLO" moment I guess, after Wolf and I broke up.

That is my experience with men who have not had orgasms with me. Always because something was wrong, and at least sometimes because I wasn't pleasing to them, and always I felt that they were disappointed by sex with me, so there wasn't any point in continuing to try. Go find someone who enjoys me instead, was my option before.

But none of these ever professed to LOVE me and to ENJOY what we were doing. And of course, Zen does.

So I get conflicted sometimes, because, as I have said, nothing in my experience has prepared me for some of what's going on....and I'm like "OK, I believe you. OK. Yes. You are an older man, I understand. But are you SURE..." And deep down I'm terrified of being disappointing, and that if I don't "pay" for it by pleasing him well enough sexually, the love will go away. I feel that he gives a great deal more than he gets, on the balance. That is MY burden to lay to rest, built of my experience, though. It's baggage I have got to stow. And while I still bring it up and talk about it sometimes, I'm getting less feelsy about it all as time goes by. I am learning to accept and to not fear and doubt so much.

Thing is...what if Zen were just like all the rest, would I want that? Oh god no! The fact that he is a new thing under the sun for me, is a big part of how in love with him and fascinated with him I am. It isn't just novelty, it is the feeling that I have a man so rare he's one of a kind, really and truly, and a perfect perfect match for my own needs and wants. Engaging all the gears and making the clockwork dance, if you will. I would not wish him to be like other men. So what DO I want? Well, as I've said to him and here, sometimes, just some reassurance. Words of affirmation are my #1 love language, followed closely by touch and time, with gifts and acts of service trailing behind.

An article I found says this:

For me, I feel safest when I hear how he thinks and feels about me. The words “I love you” warm my heart. But hearing why he loves me? That sends me straight to heaven. Conversely, rudeness, insults, and even a brusque tone deeply injure those whose love language is words of affirmation.

(no need to read the rest, but credit where it's due: )
http://verilymag.com/2015/08/five-l...on-marriage-preparation-romance-relationships


EDIT: Shit, I forgot to address something that I wanted to speak to. So...many...words...lol...

Magdlyn-- Regarding men being taught. I have always struggled to ask for what I want. I'm still not very good at it. I assume that I am imposing, demanding or entitled...and I am entitled to nothing, especially if I don't pay dearly for it.

I keep drifting back in my mind to my parents trying to put me in soccer, tumbling, whatever and being so cold and disappointed when I did not do well. The one person who approved of me for learning to read and write and draw when I was small, died when I was five years old. I had to earn love since then, and I usually failed at it. At least that is how it always felt.

I don't hold this against my parents. I know they had their struggles. I forgive them for being human as I think we must forgive our parents when we realize that they are human, you know? My Mom had hypothyroidism and that combined with depression as her marriage was failing, probably was why she slept a lot. I was alone a lot. When she had my little brothers, I had to care for them a lot. I did not get a whole lot of care myself. Children who grow up in this way, often have a hard time believing that they deserve much from others, and asking for what we need, and maintaining healthy boundaries when others try to take advantage of us can be a problem, too.

Now I am trying to do a D/s thing (sort of) and while Zen is phenomenal and empathic and brilliant at reading me and doing amazing things for me, he is not a mind reader...there are times where I want to give some input, when I feel "if only he would do this thing" and I struggle every time with a moment of "Don't top from the bottom, let the man do what he wants." Asking for what I want is HARD.

To me sometimes, you seem unimaginably brave. And a great deal more...whole...than I have ever felt. I don't know if that makes any sense.

 

[Spork]

I just thought of something.

I might start a journal. Maybe a Google doc or something. There are things I want to hash out for myself in writing, but I don't feel comfortable:

a.) putting them on blast
b.) putting them where they might hurt Zen's feelings (we have this "this is not your problem/fault, this is about me" thing going back and forth at each other. Honey, it's both of us? Everybody has their STUFF.)
c.) putting them where others I know, who also know Zen, might read. That's not cool.

I have thought that I wish I had a therapist. I want someone to talk to about some things. But that's a tall order, I have in the past, in times I was actually far more frantic for help, reached out and looked into it... And several therapists' offices never returned my emails or calls. Hell. I tried to reach an organization here for abuse victims, seeking support when Old Wolf was at his worst. It went to voicemail. They probably would have returned my call, but when you are a CRISIS center, you should really have people answering the damn phones. Leave a message? Are you serious? I already feel completely alone and without help, my god.

So when I am having trouble of one sort or another, it is hard for me to ask for help, and when the process involves further obstacles like professionals who are unresponsive, or aren't taking new clients, or there's something on their website that makes them an unacceptable candidate regardless (like religious affiliation, which many counselors here have)...

On top of trying to wedge it into my budget and my schedule?

Yeah. Forget it.

I don't need to buy a friend. I'll be ok. And I was, you know? I was.

It is not remotely so bad now, I'm not in a crisis, and I'm not seriously disturbed or distressed or depressed by anything. I just have thought processes that bug me, that I am frustrated by my inability to lay to rest. I can chew them right down to the bone, figure out what the building blocks are that made them, rationalize to my logical self how these things don't even make sense...and yet still. Sometimes, there they are.

Perhaps a journal would help.

 

[Tinwen]

Perhaps a journal would help.

I did have a journal for years, and actually I still wear it by me pretty often. I never wrote daily, I had it exactly for processing, or rather to clear my head from thought-loops, and try to get emotional overflow out of the system. Writing helps keep my thinking in line and some kind of - not logical, but consequent - order. (Is consequent the proper english word for avoiding jumping back and forth?) Nowadays I lost the urge to write because write here a little more, I've got Idealist to talk to, I've got a little less emotions to process and maybe most importantly the journaling has helped me learn to follow a train of thoughts and main focus on the topic. I still find writing in hand more effective for some kind of emotional release and processing than typing online. So I really can only recommend.

I'm a very word oriented person, maybe for you your visual art could work even better? Even I sometimes used random pictures to express myself when words couldn't be found.

 

[Spork]

I very well might start some kind of a journal doc. I don't like writing with a pen or pencil anymore, my handwriting isn't as good as it used to be and it hurts my hand. I type like a maniac, and I've become used to being able to spew out my thoughts onto a screen almost as fast as I can think them. And then sit and reflect and edit. It's hard for me to maintain my train of thought when it takes so long to write words and sentences by hand.

Anyhow a doc I keep private makes some sense for the need to process my thoughts and feelings in writing but when they are too personal or too raw to just put "out there."

Yesterday, the biggest bummer I had going on was the fact that despite having hundreds of "friends" I don't have anyone I really feel I can just call out of the blue and talk to about anything, without worrying about what I sound like or whether I'm bugging them, imposing, being tiresome... And I have come to assume that other people don't want to hear from me. Which has led me to neglect even relationships where maybe that's untrue. You know a lot of people have a "best friend" who they talk to about everything. I did that with my Mom for a while...but I'm drifting away from that. She said she disapproves of my BDSM stuff because she is protective of me. I know I have explained all of this to her and I thought she got it. Now I'm finding out that she does not. And never in a million years would I tell her that I "disapprove" of her life choices (even though often, I do.) It isn't my place, they are not my choices, it's not my life.

Anyhow she was the last person I could tell "anything" to and I felt would not judge me, but I started feeling like she was sick of hearing about my stuff and then this whole "disapprove" thing, and I'm just....whatever. WHATEVER. So I don't have a best friend. And maybe that is just as well because maybe no one wants to be unloaded on like this, and what I needed all along was a journal or a blog or something. Gives the readers at least that voluntary agency of "you don't have to read it, if it's tiresome." Rather than, "Jesus, she just spent three hours telling me about her sex life, I wish she would stop calling." At least I assume that's the reaction. *shrug*

Yesterday, I went home and after a couple of hours taking care of some business and revisiting a porn vid I like, but with the audio on, because my kid was in the shower and couldn't hear it... (I like it even better now, one of the participants has a really nice accent.) ...I was tired and decided to "take a nap." Well a nap became about 10 hours of solid sleep.

And my reaction to porn has become this repetitive feeling that there is always something I wish they would do instead, or that they start doing something good, but then they stop, and that ping of annoyance is horribly distracting...and so finding any where they do the things I'd like to see them doing and they do them for more than a moment or two, is nearly impossible. Again I am struck by how cumbersome it all is, and how at least in my brain, I'm the director of everything and can keep a scene going precisely as I wish. Like I am so much more likely to watch some porn, and then go lie in bed with it only functioning as like a creative prompt where then my mind goes off in whatever direction I want, rather than being able to just sit there and enjoy whatever I am seeing. I don't know how men do it, I really don't. Watching porn makes me feel frustratingly helpless and not in a good way. It's like having sex with a bad lover, who almost rubs the right spot but is always a little off, or stops and changes things just when it's almost starting to feel good, like every time.

So I'm trying...and it's getting less triggery...and there are even moments I like what I see...but I'm still not quite a fan.

As for the rest of yesterday evening, I feel bad that I wasted the time, but I appear to have needed an extra dose of sleep. I love sleep. I have to be careful not to sleep too much. It's probably thyroid related...but "fatigue" doesn't always really describe it for me. My doc said that if my hypothyroid issue escalates to needing treatment, I will probably feel "crushing fatigue." Niiice... No, I'm usually functional, I get tired sometimes, but it doesn't usually impact my functioning THAT much I don't think. But when I get the chance, I am definitely capable of some marathon sleeping, and I fucking LOVE IT. A good nap is like the most indulgent thing ever.

Been thinking this morning about the Tao stuff that I'm reading. Zen has loaned me another book. Like everything, I come to it open and interested but not committed to believing or disbelieving, and knowing it's unlikely I'll sign on to the whole thing, but hoping to get some good ideas and content. So this approach I have (it's actually a very Tao approach to life, had I known) I've tried to describe to others. Zen talks about being here, being in the moment, that kind of thing. Take as an example, a building that is supposed to be haunted. I would be interested to go. I would enter with an open mind that is not made up and not carrying expectations. I would be quiet and present, and observe, and just try to connect with whatever is there...but with the mentality that "whatever is there" might be energy, might be spirits, might be light and shadows, or insects, or nothing. I'll connect as readily with nothing, as with something. Maybe just my own self. That's ok too. Suppose one hears a noise. A skeptic will dash to find an explanation. A believer will say, "If that is YOU, then make another noise" or try to communicate with "the spirit of Old Man Sketchy Joe" or what have you. Someone like me, will simply continue to be still and quiet and receptive and see what else happens. Afterwards, most humans will construct a narrative to "explain" anything they saw or heard. I find this frustrating, and I don't readily do it, except with massive disclaimers on the speculative nature of my thinking. I am more ok with saying, "I don't know." than most people I've known. I feel that way about many philosophical questions that mankind seems to need answers for. I don't need answers. It's ok. I don't need to know where I'm going when I die, to know that I would prefer to live, or to carry on with the business of doing exactly that. ("Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.") And I am finding that the Eastern philosophies that Zen shares with me are a lot closer to this way of thinking I have always had, than the Western manner of thinking and acting generally is.

So when they talk about going with things that are healthy and natural in the Tao, that resonates well for me. I still read the author's claim that he enjoys loving a woman so much more than just ejaculating, having done plenty of both in his life...and I want to question men who have had plenty of experience, including experience with no climax on their part, and ask, "Really? I mean...but really?" I do know that being hungry, even starved, for love and touch, is totally a thing, and it's definitely a thing that transcends gender, and is bigger and more impactful than a need for sexual release. Humans and other primates need touch. I get that.

On the other hand, I do NOT agree with the author's negative light cast on masturbation, his opinion that homosexuality is only a response to not having good experiences with hetero sex, or his statements that sadomasochism is aberration or a sort of sickness. But these books...the second one was published in the 80's, so I do take these things with a grain of salt. He also insists that PIV is the end all, be all and that hands and fingers generally aren't as good, and I'm going to disagree with that, too. In fact in my own opinion, a man's skill with his hands will tell me an awful lot about how interested he is in KNOWING me, my body and responses, and giving me the best possible sensations. PIV is quite good, but one can have more conscious control and deliberate stimulation of very specific areas in very particular ways, if one is using one's hands. And a man who is willing to spend time doing that, is clearly one willing to give even if he is not getting, and I appreciate that (to a point.) Especially in contrast to most men I've been with, who just could not wait to get theirs.

And I also question the Tao thinking that it is not healthy for a man to "emit" very often...because I always thought that doing so was better for the prostate, than refraining. But what do I know?

I appreciate the approach of not seeing sex as prurient or "dirty" or women as second class citizens (at best) and the talk about lack of taboos and about polyamory is stuff I can approve of. So despite some reservations, I'm appreciating a lot of what I am reading. I also like that Tao is not so much a religion as it is a philosophy. As a rule, I'd say that philosophy will always be more interesting to me than religion.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I truly understand about the whole "best friend" issue. I can't honestly say that there is any ONE person on this earth I am completely comfortable sharing everything with. I talk politics with one friend, religion (or my lack thereof) with another. I talk about a lot of things with my mother, but nothing to do with sex. I always feel like some aspect of what makes me, ME, will somehow be judged.

I don't even share everything with my husband. We don't discuss politics very much. When I spout off my visceral hatred for the Orange One, he doesn't tend to say anything. He didn't vote for him, but he didn't vote for Hillary, either. He wrote in Howard Stern. I try not to think about it too much.

 

[Spork]

I truly understand about the whole "best friend" issue. I can't honestly say that there is any ONE person on this earth I am completely comfortable sharing everything with. I talk politics with one friend, religion (or my lack thereof) with another. I talk about a lot of things with my mother, but nothing to do with sex. I always feel like some aspect of what makes me, ME, will somehow be judged.

I don't even share everything with my husband. We don't discuss politics very much. When I spout off my visceral hatred for the Orange One, he doesn't tend to say anything. He didn't vote for him, but he didn't vote for Hillary, either. He wrote in Howard Stern. I try not to think about it too much.

Most of the people closest to me voted for Gary Johnson, as far as I know. And I get it... I was really unhappy about Hillary on many levels but I was HORRIFIED over Trump. I have never in my life felt so strongly that someone needed to be kept out of office lest he do immeasurable harm. And yet here we are. Watching it all unfold.

I don't want to talk about Trump. Actually. It's too awful.

Wandering around some psychology articles, came across this phrase:
"There must be some axiom in psychology positing that whatever you can’t resolve must repeat itself."

Yes, fucking yes, THAT, so then the question once again...how do you resolve? What brings resolution? I can repress, I can be "not in the mood" to look at my issues or give them any of my attention, I can set them aside, or ignore them. I've been trying to expose myself forcibly to the ideas that disturb me in order to gradually lessen their impact. That has been my best guess at how to do some therapy on myself. I would call that a partial success. Yet some ideas still get a hold of me and cause me difficulty.

And I am starting to think I have got to stop...stop what I've been doing, and if I can't stop how I've been feeling, at least take better ownership of how I express it. If I want Zen to want to be with me and be happy with me, I have to be happier with myself. I think I am starting to cross lines into "too needy/clingy/insecure" territory, both with my fears, doubts, issues, and also with my over the top expressions of attachment. In other words, I probably need to chill the fuck out.

Basically, I've been trying so hard to take the things that have cause me to feel insecure or afraid, and force myself to look at them, feel them, deal with them, in the hopes I can resolve or lay them to rest...that my emotions have become very turbulent. I'm constantly dealing with things, and when I am alone, or feel alone, it's a lot harder. I'm not very good at this, I'm afraid...

EDIT: I was referencing this article...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...erestimate-your-partner-s-defenses-here-s-why
(forgot, but I usually like to cite my sources when I refer to external things.)

 

[Spork]

Random things I've researched in life...

Cephalopod trivia. My favorite is vampyroteuthis infernalis. I have a favorite squid.

Cats. Breeds of cats. Especially the Nebelung, because my cat looks like one.

Dogs. Newfoundlands, in particular, because I like them.

Shellac. What it is and the many things it is used for (especially in food.) Its sneaky aliases, "confectioner's glaze" and "pharmaceutical glaze."

How many different foods contain sawdust. And that it's called "powdered cellulose" when they use it as a food additive.

EDIT: I was talking to someone recently about the shellac and sawdust trivia. They mentioned that they don't worry about such things in their food since we eat all of these plant and animal based additives and so on. And I had to clarify: I'm not trying to exclude anything from my diet here, and I'm not expressing horror or concern, I just find it to be fun trivia. A bit of "hey, did you know...?" as with everything in my life, stories to tell other humans.

Cat food. Everything about cat food. (If you, too, want to know things about cat food, go to www.catinfo.org because Dr. Pierson is the awesome.)

Adhesives. I'm fascinated with them.

The physics of granular solids. More interesting than it sounds!

The local fauna and housing markets of at least three different metro areas now.

How one might pronounce "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" ...various theories on this, and why it doesn't actually matter.

(By the way, just try typing that in with your phone. It will give your autocorrect fits!)

People. Love interests of significance, I have researched to see what I might learn about them on the internet, and really anyone who has ever struck me as especially interesting. Myself. My genetics and genealogy.

Probably like 100 other little things that I can't remember now and will probably never make me money.

And that's before we start even getting into my biggest ruminations on psychology, sexuality, and the human condition.

I feel that I really should be considered expert in far more things than I actually am. And the one thing that probably prevents that, is perhaps a lack of focus on my part. The overwhelming tendency I have to distract my mind and wander off down the most appealing mental rabbit hole at any given time. Honestly. I should be stopped. And yet, there are so many more things I want to know, learn and understand. I have a hungry brain.

That isn't very helpful to my progress towards wealth and prosperity though. Society rewards the specialist. But what to do, when you have specialized your way into a corner? When you've devoted way too many years, to something that you struggle to even contemplate, when your desk begins to feel like a prison and your vocation a waste of time? It's troubling.

This is one of the main reasons I have not returned to college. I have struggled internally with the question of "stick with this career path indefinitely, finish your degree, and earn lots of money" or "only put in what you must, get by, and switch vocations to something more fulfilling and interesting, once your children are grown." It's a question that has plagued me for years...and especially now with my youngest only 2.5 years from 18. Which incidentally is about how long it would probably take me to finish my degree.

I had some more influential friends approve of my business idea, in a Facebook conversation yesterday.

Maybe someday.

So yesterday after work, I went to Walmart. I wish I'd stuck to my plan to dash in, get what I needed from my short little list, and dash out. Instead, I wandered. And when you wander in Walmart, especially with your mind wandering as mine has been, you end up spending more than you probably should. And buying things you don't really need. I mean. They are good things. And the prices can't be debated, they were excellent prices. I got a few items of clothing, and many "pervertables" (everyday items that I mean to use in naughty ways.) And I forgot the coffee filters, which were actually on my list.

I was going to take Zen to the Art Museum to see the Star Wars costumes tomorrow. Bought tickets and everything, since they've been selling out. Unfortunately, the weather forecast now, is a stupid snowstorm tonight through tomorrow. As per most spring storms here, there is no telling if it will be much ado about nothing, mere wet pavement perhaps, or a howling blizzard that shuts down the highway. So, with some (yet, limited) regret, I told Zen I think we should stay in, wasted tickets or no, and not risk it. At least the alternative (sex) holds plenty of appeal for both of us. And I've got new toys.

 

[Spork]

Well.

Gotta say, I am judging myself a bit harshly because I feel I wasted an awful lot of time in the last week. I went home after work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and I did not really accomplish stuff from my to-do list. I was full of love hunger for my Zen and I was indulging in a mix of thinking about sex and sleeping more than I really need to. I am grumpy about my own time management, I have been somewhat lazy, irresponsible, and indulgently preoccupied when left to my own devices.

Zen has Friday and Saturday off, and I have Saturday and Sunday off, so Friday evening through late Saturday night, was all about us. And we had plans to go to the Art Museum because I wanted him to see the Star Wars costumes, but the weather was starting to get risky (we seem to be getting our winter, in the spring...thanks, Colorado!) so we changed our minds at the last minute and stayed in. It's like, talk-sex-food-sex-sleep-sex-food-showers-naps-sex-food-sex-snuggles-and then I go home. And every instance of "sex" in there is at least a couple of hours, if not like 3 or 4. It's amazing and wonderful, but you see I have to wonder how it will be once we live together. Will we get anything done?? Well. I am sure we'll find a way.

I have been struggling with a bit of something, maybe a cold or allergy, I don't know. But my sinuses were badly congested and I had the barest beginnings of a sore throat. The worst though was that periodically on Saturday I would get a severe case of the chills. I felt horribly and very uncomfortably cold, and just had to snuggle up in some blankets. Eventually I'd warm up and feel better, though. This started to ease up yesterday and I feel much better now, though still a bit congested on and off again. But you know what is odd? I feel so much better in general with no clothes on. I haven't taken a whole lot of time to just be naked for hours, since I had my kids. I used to do that quite a lot when I was a teenager...but for years, I slept wearing clothing. It feels so wonderful to spend time at Zen's place with no clothes on. This, for me, is a pretty strong argument for trying to secure a home for us that has plenty of space, so when I am spending time in Zen's quarters, at some remove from where my boys are, I can still do this.

Anyhow. Yesterday I did spend a lot of time sleeping, trying to make sure I rested off as much of my cold (or whatever) as possible. Still got laundry and other chores done though, and got some more auctions of GWAR stuff listed. I still have so much to accomplish though.

Oh and there was a bit of drama with some of Zen's friends, which unfortunately was caused or at least exacerbated rather badly by an attempt on my part to connect with one of these people and "out" Zen and I with regard to the BDSM stuff. I'm (if ya'll could not tell) a very live-out-loud sort of person. And I strongly prefer the company of people with whom I can be authentic. I know that's not going to be every single person I come into contact with...but when it comes to friends...I am not so keen to have to hide a big part of who I am. It is not just "weird sex stuff" as Zen's one friend thinks it is. Being in the community, there is so much to it...there are some who seriously LIVE "Leather" as a whole life philosophy. I might not be quite that into it, but I'm into it, you know? And it's brought me so much good. I liken it to people who are into crossfit, or yoga, veganism or vaping...people who discover a thing that brings them great benefit and are enthusiastic to talk about it. So do I cross the line into somewhat insufferable? Maybe. Sure. But this one friend of Zen's is insecure, and controlling of his wife and others, tries to say we're not "allowed to talk about the weird stuff" around his wife or (apparently) his other friend...and frankly...I'm just not into letting him censor me. If that means he thinks I am obsessive or whatever, I'm not all that invested in his opinion. I do not feel that I am accepted as a friend, if I have to pretend to be a sanitized version of myself, in a room full of adults who could easily speak for themselves if I make them uncomfortable, and don't need this dude to act as their mouthpiece. The whole dynamic just kinda rubs me the wrong way.

(EDIT: Worth mentioning, I just looked over this again and realized the natural question--What does Zen think about me "outing" us to his friends? Well he had actually indicated some interest in finding out what this one guy might think about it, before we went to the dinner where I met him, so I was not doing this against Zen's wishes to keep it all hush hush, or anything. And he is aware of my more mouthy tendencies...which I think, maybe I should dial back a bit. Honestly? It's like I've been in NRE not just with Zen, but with BDSM and everything. And I'm having to tweak things and sort of find my "normal.")

Like...if the dude's wife, and the dude's friend, had ever said to me, "You know, that subject makes me uncomfortable. I mean, whatever floats your boat, but I'd rather not hear about it." I would totally respect that boundary and let it go. Even if the dude himself had said that HE was uncomfortable and wanted me to stop talking about it, then I could probably let it go. But this thing he does of saying that I am not allowed to speak of it around others because they are uncomfortable, but they won't be able to tell me themselves, I have to take his word for it...but HE isn't uncomfortable, oh no of course he isn't, I can say anything around him...just not around other people he knows... No, I want him to speak for himself and I'd like for them to speak for themselves and if that's not how these people operate, then I want no part of it, bottom line.

So I could push and try to plant my flag on the matter, or I could bow out. And I feel that bowing out at this point is the best option. I do not disapprove of Zen's friendship with these folks and I hope they can continue to be whatever they need of one another and that whole deal can be groovy. Zen and I do not need to share all the same friends though, I do not think. Hopefully dude and his people can accept that I'll walk it back to "cordial acquaintance" as I will respect what is between him/them and Zen, and it'll all be fine like that.

Because I tell ya what, the day that guy tries to put words in MY mouth? Or tries to man-splain my Zen to me, how he really feels or what he really thinks or needs, on the grounds that he has known him so much longer than I have? Ohhh...yeah fuck that.

Yeah. Best to step back and withdraw before things get worse, there.

 

[Spork]

Colorado, you so cray-zee.

We barely had any winter, when it was actually winter. It was warm and sunny and dry, dry, dry more often than not.

Now though? We are getting dumped on. There's got to be 5-6 inches out there in places, and more coming down all day. Yet because it's a sloppy Spring snow, it's melting on the pavement. My kids have the day off school, and my work opened 2 hours late, but the scariest moment of my commute was trying to drive a bit too fast through a rather large puddle.

The roads aren't even slushy for the most part. Just wet.

What is awesome about all this silliness, is that we needed the wet so that stuff does not burst into flame and burn. I was here for both the Waldo Canyon and the Black Forest fires in Colorado Springs, hundreds of homes were lost...wildfires that were eating significant portions of the city...and unlike then, I now live in areas (and will continue to do, most likely) that are prone to burn. At that time I was more out on the eastern plains, not in the forest-ish area of town. Not enough fuel out there to sustain a big fire. The little grass fires get put out relatively easily.

It's weird, I remember after living here a while, traveling out to see my family in Arkansas, and passing on the highway, someone having a bonfire and burning trash or brush on their property. I remember my relatives in rural Virginia doing that when I was a kid. And it brings a feeling of horror, a fear that it could get out of control, that I never used to experience before moving out west.

But I sure would, one day, like to have a place to live where I could have a little fire pit in the backyard to sit around with friends. That would be lovely. Like I do not give a damn if I own or rent, if I'm in a house or an apartment or what, if I can have such luxuries as a hot tub and a fire pit to enjoy... Eventually.

For now, I'll be quite content if I can find us a house to rent with the kind of space and price range we need. The pickings have been really slim in recent weeks. I hope that, as they say, once we hit warm summer months, the inventory opens up.

So I shut down my laziness last night and worked on my art. And my new driver's license has come in (finally getting my name change underway...stupid bureaucratic hassles) so I need to start contacting everybody about that. Got to try and make better use of my time. No more procrasturbation!! lol

Having lunch with Zen today...yay!!

Here is hoping the roads do not get bad by the time my workday ends...

 

[Spork]

Dude.

I have a rare pin that I am auctioning along with other GWAR memorabilia.

When they came out, probably about 1999, they were sold as merch by the band for $5 or 10, something like that.

It is this logo:

https://s3.amazonaws.com/mno.products/11479/a6d601b6b2.jpg

stamped on a piece of metal about the size of a quarter.

Bidding right now, among primarily 3 very determined fans, is up to $75.01. Auction isn't over for another 3+ hours.

LOL you guys.