The story of Spork.

[Spork]

The pin sold for $130. Insanity!

Well, technically I have finished fundraising to pay my lawyer now. I need to set up a time to meet with him and ask him questions. Thing is...I have this collection of GWAR stuff I've been selling off bits and pieces of, he confirmed that I am allowed to do that, in order to pay my lawyer in the bankruptcy, but as far as I know I am not supposed to sell assets for any other reason. And the trouble is, I don't know how to value the remainder of the collection, because as I saw with the pin, even I am often surprised by what things will go for in an auction. But I've been selling the more rare of my stuff, the things that I figured might sell for more...so what I'm left with, I don't THINK is worth a whole lot.

Like I have not wanted to sell stickers and patches, even though some of the fans said they are interested in that, because my purpose isn't just to get rid of my stuff, it's to raise money. If I'm not getting a price inflated by value and rarity of the item, then I don't want to sell it for a bargain to a buddy because hell, I still LIKE my stuff. Of course you get those fans who don't have a lot of money hoping they can pick up something for cheap. Well that's tough. That's not what I'm doing this for. This is not a yard sale.

Of course in a bankruptcy, they want to scrutinize and see if you have assets they could seize and liquidate to pay the creditors you're defaulting and discharging...and they also want to make very sure that you're not concealing assets by "selling" them to a "friend" who will simply hold it until you can get it back later on down the road. I am hoping that the fact that I've auctioned these things for the most part in a group of over 2,000 people on Facebook, and got fair prices for the stuff...more than I'd get in the general population, I just know a good market for these things in the fan community. I'm acquainted with some of them, but not close. And this is not the first time I've used this method of auctioning stuff to raise money. I did it to come up with the money to move into my apartment last year, too.

Anyways. I'm writing down questions for my lawyer. Figure, that's what I'm paying him for, right?

Yesterday, I went down to see Ninja. I had to drop off the money that Old Wolf sent, to the friends who are housing him. And I went into the room he shares with their oldest son. Both 18 year old boys, in a house that isn't very clean anyways, and it is exactly as messy and smelly as you might imagine. Laundry everywhere. Generally a mess. So I gave Ninja another birthday card that came to my address, for him. And he is supposed to be opening a checking account soon, and I asked him about the check he got from a card before...and he'd misplaced it. And did he know where his ID is? He's misplaced that, too. Well it's long been known that I am very good at finding things. I think I'm just really observant, but my ex thought I had some kind of "radar" for lost objects. I began to rummage, and found both the check, and his ID, in just a few minutes. Then I asked, "Do you have your wallet?" because I figured he could perhaps put his ID into it...and he said, no, he'd also lost his wallet. Back to rummaging. Took maybe a minute and a half.

Even though the room was a train wreck.

Well, fine. So we put his things in a Very Safe Place where they Won't Get Lost. And we'll see how THAT goes.

Then I went down to Old Wolf's house that is now rented to...the family I will henceforth refer to simply as The Circus. Poly family, married couple, boyfriend, five kids age 9-2 and she is very pregnant with boyfriend's twins. They just got 2 more dogs, puppies, a Rott and a Husky, which brings pet count to 4 dogs, 4 cats, 2 ferrets, and ?? hamsters. Only person with an income as far as I know, the husband.

Well...in fact, it was not that bad. They are actually improving the property. They are well aware of how impossible it would be to rent from anyone else, and Old Wolf SHOULD appreciate that it would be hard for him to sell, or to rent to anyone else on the general market, without fixing up the house a whole lot. Instead, they have this mutually beneficial arrangement and the tenants are replacing old light fixtures, the garbage disposal, fixing things. The boyfriend is a pretty handy guy who can fix most stuff.

But... Old Wolf apparently did not know that boyfriend was living there, or that his kid was living there, or that they got two more dogs. And I didn't know, that he didn't know, and when I told him, he hit the roof. Mostly because he thinks that polyamory is morally bankrupt and a "drama fest" waiting to happen, and it disgusts him that a husband would put up with his wife having sex with another man under their very roof, in their very bed, let alone having the boyfriend's kids, let alone working to support the lot of them, let alone in a property that he owns, oh my fucking god.

Oops.

*sigh*

I need to stop talking to other humans, I think. Seems to be nothing but trouble. Why couldn't I have been born an introvert? But seriously though, they probably should have told him...I do not think the arrangement was that they'd accumulate as many humans and animals as they wished and never inform the owner of the house...

Still. I did argue to Wolf that this arrangement is not bad, as husband has to work and boyfriend has the second car and can take wife to doctor or emergency if need be, not to mention the matter of boyfriend being Mr. Fixit and all. I'm hoping he'll chill out and realize that if he makes their lives unpleasant by throwing his weight around, nobody really benefits. Of course knowing him, appealing to reason might be hoping for too much. I never should have said a thing.

And of course still there is the mild twinges of annoyance that this house was supposed to be where MY kids got to grow up, but fuck it. Can't dwell on that. Besides. Finish line is in sight, one of mine is an adult already (technically.)

I have had a most excellent level of emotional equilibrium this week. No bothersome insecurities or disturbing doubts or fears. My period is starting, if anything, if my hormones were doing what any kind of logic would indicate, and "PMS" was a thing for me, I'd be MORE emotional and not less right now. But this is the weird shit I live...I'm more off kilter and feelsy and stuff starting a few days after my period ends, and lasting though the middle of my non-bleeding cycle, than I am right before it or during it. Go figure. I also sometimes get tenderness and discomfort during ovulation, and I do not get cramps before or during my period. Seems like my unhappy time is my fertile time, or at least if I didn't have my tubes tied. But the body doesn't know the difference as far as hormones go. I'm all sorts of backwards.

 

[Spork]

Story time.

From Facebook:

Friend 1:
Can't stand it when people try to tell me what a "real man" is.
What if I don't want to be a real man.
What if I want to be something cooler?
Like a werewolf.

Friend 2:
A werewolf just eats them.
It's more efficient that way.

Friend 1:
A real man feeds a real man to a real werewolf.

Friend 2:
A real werewolf feeds werewolves to a real man.

Friend 1:
Always be yourself. Unless you can be a werewolf. Or an existential void of nothingness. Then always be an existential void of nothingness. Or not. It doesn't really matter.

Friend 1:
Like what's the alternative anyway?
"Oh, you don't wanna date Bob. He's not a real man. He's a houseplant."
Then one day you're watching a Boston fern change a tire, and POOF, it turns into a lumberjack.

Also from Facebook:

A friend of mine was cooking dinner. She did not want her cat to get the butter, so she took the remainder of the stick, in its paper, and stuck it "momentarily" in her pocket...and promptly forgot about it.

It probably would have been better if the cat had eaten it.

She did not discover this until hours later.

From real life:

I went to the post office today. There was a pair of Canadian geese that had created a nest in the landscaping right by the sidewalk. One was resting, head tucked in feathers, the other was standing vigil out by the sidewalk. The postal employees had brought out their rope barriers and set them up, and cones, to keep people from parking nearby or walking too close. One of our local news stations, KOAA, was there setting up to film a cute local-interest story about it.

 

[Spork]

So remember when I said I wasn't having doubts or fears or emotional issues a couple of posts ago (yesterday?) That was true. I've got some head stuff going on, but no tricky heart stuff.

I worry about the logistics of funding the moving in with Zen thing in June, worry about the tight market, worry about my tanked credit, worry about THINGS like that. It isn't turmoil, just a bit of nerves, and it's stuff I consider to be pretty rational, so I'm not upset at myself over it.

I'm not having bad feelings or second thoughts...just a bit of life stress. I have to let go and not be in control of things, not have all the answers and deal with a bit of uncertainty, and have some sort of faith that things will work out. Not the first time I've had to do that, but it doesn't come easily to me. I told Zen this morning in an email that "I overthink. Sometimes it's good, helps me find parking. Sometimes it isn't helpful."

Oh my god you guys, my fucking cat.

Aaaghh! He's driving me nuts. Yeah I know, I KNOW it's because I'm not being the best cat mom. He's bored. I need to entertain him. -.-

But I've got like a million things I need to do, and I've been a bit under the weather this week, and I'm sorry but devoting time to entertaining my cat properly has not been a big priority here. Which means he has not been letting me sleep very well. By 4am every day this week, he's been poking around my bedroom looking for things to paw at and make noise, and singing the songs of his people, and stepping on me, and generally being a complete pain in the ass. So I'm kind of sleep deprived.

I tried to take a much needed nap after work yesterday, and he was not having it. I gave up after wasting an hour trying. But...I put in hours of work on my art that I'm hoping to sell at StarFest. And it's looking very cool, I'm happy with the direction it's going. So that is good.

And this morning, of course, I drag my butt out of bed, really annoyed with the damn cat who has interfered with my much needed sleep, and he's all adorable and snuggle buckets.

The cute is part of the plot. All some kind of elaborate mind control experiment. Taking over the world via one seriously sleep deprived human somehow...all that purring was really some sort of subliminal programming.

 

[Spork]

Well, the cold I had last weekend...I've given to Zen now.

I took a movie over there and some dinner and spent some time with him. I hope the worst of it passes as quickly for him as it did for me.

Though...I don't know. Like I'm so deprived of sleep this week because of one thing and another...mostly it's been the damn cat, but last night my Mom wanted to talk and I wanted to work on my art, so I did both, put her on speaker and worked on the art while talking to her, and I ended up not going to bed until after 11. Which isn't very good when you've got to get up around 5 (though I've been known to reset my alarm clock and push it until nearly 6)...and the cat will start bothering me around 4.

So Zen and I have what is usually a sex night tonight, our Friday night, without a whole lot of plans, but here I am, tired and there he is, sick. Tomorrow night we have a party to go to at the club and I may be asked to work the door, I'm told, so I do need to be there. But next week, my love is leaving on his trip to visit his Dad in Phoenix, so I feel I should get my lovin' in while I may. Well, I have plenty to keep me busy while he's gone...work and projects left and right, and community activities nearly every evening. I'm quite certain that I'll miss him all the same.

 

[Spork]

Also.

Yesterday I was mentally wandering and I came across this, the "wild fox koan."

Koans, for those who don't know, are parables that Buddhists meditate on to gain enlightenment, also known as stories possibly invented simply to give bored Buddhists something to argue and talk about. That last is my own thought, and kind of disrespectful, but all the same... I observed a comment section on a site with a koan one time and that's what it was, and then every time I've encountered one, there is a discussion of what this particular Zen Master or that particular scholar thought it meant, and then quotes of the time that they contradicted themselves to a room full of monks and confused everyone. So I have seen the kind of discussion that happens on the internet, and I can easily imagine Chinese thinkers whiling away the hours debating the meaning of parables, because what else is there to do with your free time? Did any of them really reach enlightenment? You know I sometimes wonder what that even means... I have a difficult time believing in an end goal, a perfect state of oneness, peace, and knowing everything. I'm a very "all about the journey, not so much the destination" kind of gal though.

Here is the wild fox koan:

Every time Baizhang, Zen Master Dahui, gave a dharma talk, a certain old man would come to listen. He usually left after the talk, but one day he remained. Baizhang asked, "Who is there?"
The man said, "I am not actually a human being. I lived and taught on this mountain at the time of Kashyapa Buddha. One day a student asked me, 'Does a person who practices with great devotion still fall into cause and effect?' I said to him, 'No, such a person doesn't.' Because I said this I was reborn as a wild fox for five hundred lifetimes. Reverend master, please say a turning word for me and free me from this wild fox body." Then he asked Baizhang, "Does a person who practices with great devotion still fall into cause and effect?"
Baizhang said, "Don't ignore cause and effect."
Immediately the man had great realization. Bowing, he said, "I am now liberated from the body of a wild fox. I will stay in the mountain behind the monastery. Master, could you perform the usual services for a deceased monk for me?"
Baizhang asked the head of the monks' hall to inform the assembly that funeral services for a monk would be held after the midday meal. The monks asked one another, "What's going on? Everyone is well; there is no one sick in the Nirvana Hall." After their meal, Baizhang led the assembly to a large rock behind the monastery and showed them a dead fox at the rock's base. Following the customary procedure, they cremated the body.
That evening during his lecture in the dharma hall Baizhang talked about what had happened that day. Huangbo asked him, "A teacher of old gave a wrong answer and became a wild fox for five hundred lifetimes. What if he hadn't given a wrong answer?"
Baizhang said, "Come closer and I will tell you." Huangbo went closer and slapped Baizhang's face. Laughing, Baizhang clapped his hands and said, "I thought it was only barbarians who had unusual beards. But you too have an unusual beard!

What is cool about such parables, is that you can think on them from one angle, and then just when you think you have it figured out, you revisit the original story and notice something else, and you're like "wait...I didn't think about that..." Most of the discussion I have seen about this one, centers around causality (and its parallel concept, karma.) Whether the koan is telling one to "not fall into" or "not ignore" cause and effect, and ultimately making the point that the two options aren't mutually exclusive.

Ohhh...kayyy....

Well, I felt, reading the discussions, very much like a person standing too close to a large work of art. Seeing only the trees and not the forest. So I stepped back a few paces, mentally. Tried to feel out the structure of the story. The idea arose that first the fox-monk, and then later Baizhang in the conversation with Huangbo, had a sense that they were clever. Fox monk thought that he was wise, and had the answer to the question, and gave it thinking surely that it would be received by his student as correct, he felt that he had an understanding of cause and effect. Then something chaotic happened (as an effect of his hubris perhaps) that taught him humility.

Baizhang later tried to trick Huangbo to approach, perhaps with the intent to strike him and Huangbo instead struck first. The expected series of events (cause and effect) did not go to plan, and a different effect followed the cause, but Baizhang had the good humor to appreciate it all and share in a moment with not much pride or dignity, for both monks in the exchange.

So I thought, perhaps it isn't so much about causality as it is a sort of hubris, the thinking that you can, by virtue of superior wisdom or intellect, anticipate cause and effect. Of course this comes back around to the original argument in a sense, that one shouldn't "fall into" or be a helpless victim of, cause and effect, but neither perhaps should one ignore it altogether. To observe it without trying to exert control over it, maybe.

Then I revisited this version of the story (there are small differences in various translations of it.) And it occurred to me...

Wait. It was an old man, and not a fox, who spoke to Baizhang. Yet despite appearing as an old man, he said he was not really a human and was actually a wild fox. Was he actually a wild fox? Or a delusional old hermit? Or an invention of Baizhang's imagination? If he was in the body of an old man, how was he also in the body of a wild fox? Where did the dead fox come from? Did Baizhang basically trick the monks into holding a funeral for a fox? And what does Huangbo's beard have to do with anything?

Clearly...if enlightenment is possible...I have a long way to go...

*sigh*

 

[Spork]

I have been very busy! And I don't think that will change much, anytime soon...

Yeah, this is me... "Oh, I have plenty of time. That deadline, it's AGES off. No worries." Repeat until I reach the point where, only with a superhuman amount of dedication and effort and a lovely dose of OMFG will I possibly pull off results... And boom. I Do The Thing.

So here I am, with major projects:
- Name Change
- Bankruptcy
- Art Project

And minor projects:
- Keep up with housework
- Keep up with social obligations
- Keep up with Mom obligations (kid's honestly pretty low maintenance for the most part...)
- Keep up with cat-mom obligations (or DIE, useless human!)
- Keep up with work obligations
- Run down to the south side to visit Ninja and the tenants occasionally
- Make small art and mail that and CD's to a friend I've been neglecting.
- Keep up with my financials.
- Start packing

...and probably another dozen or so small things I need to remember to attend to. Like sleep! Maybe.

The name change is firmly underway. I'm officially going as ye olde maiden nayme now...I guess. It's hard to switch it over in my head, I've only been using the married name thing for like the last ten years. But I got it on my ID, so I need to use it.

It's maddening though because I have to log in to a bajillion websites where I have an account and change my name, and what is just an absolute HOOT is that I tried to change the account username in my ISP's web thingie, and I managed to change my email address for my PRIMARY email that I use for All the Important Stuff. So now I have to scurry about and change that everywhere, TOO. What joy, what fun, what times were had by all. -.-

*sigh*

I tried to change it back and it wouldn't let me. I actually wanted to have a new email with my new name as an "additional" user (we get a certain number of additional emails with our account)...and then set it up to forward everything from the old one, to the new one, until I got it all changed over.

Because my old one had my old last name, and I do want to have an email that is made up mostly of my name for "official" things. I have like...four of them. I think. Maybe more? But anyhow. I guess I will not be allowed to do that. I'll just have to go everywhere and change everything.

And my boss is like, "Hey how about some overtime" and I'm like NO.

But it's good, really, in a way. See, my Zen is goin' outta town for a bit. And I'm gonna miss him. But...I'll be busy. So that's good. I'll be alright. I'm not sure if I want to go to the party at the club next weekend, think I'll probably stay home and work, work, work instead. It'll be the first weekend I've spent at home in a while.

It was another good weekend of love and snuggles and orgasms and naps, and we went to the party at Voodoo on Saturday night, which was not a play party, it was their 4th Anniversary party. I won TWO raffles. I never win anything, and I won twice! But, in all fairness, I did buy like $50 in raffle tickets. Mostly a matter of supporting the club, especially since I have not been quite as religious about attending ALL the parties like I used to. I got an aftercare blanket and a chainmail bra, and a massage candle, some body powder and some nice lil clamps with a chain between like, and a collar and leash, and I forget what all else...nice stuff though! Got my $50 worth I do believe!

Oh, and Q got invited to do this month long orchestra trip to Europe. Which would be cool...except that they want like $7,000 for it, or so he says. I need to read the paperwork and see if he is actually right about that. That is a lot of money. I'm thinking if that is the actual number, he can get a job. But as Zen and I were talking about this over the weekend, like even if he got a job and paid for it, I still feel like he'd be better off buying a car or something, with that kind of money. I don't know. And Zen pointed out too, there have got to be cheaper ways to visit Europe. Although...I've dropped thousands on vacations before, in the past, so I dunno... But yeah, I can't even afford the deposit, which they want by June 15th, right now. I'm already stressed enough about money... It's always somethin', innit??

 

[Spork]

"Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat, until one of them dies."

OK, two, OR MORE, people...fine...

lol Yep, I guess Zen and I are doin' it right then. ?? Today he's like "where do you want to get lunch" and I'm like "I can't think about that right now, I actually want sex instead but I am pretty sure I need food, and I know I won't get back to work in anything like an hour if I come over and pounce on you so..." And he's like "Ok but where do you want to eat?"

I mean basically. Actually we have lovingly adopted GalaGirl's "I'm sorry you struggle" and he threw that at me. Ha! Damn it. That is just like me, though. I want food. No, sex. No, sleep. All three. All three at the same time! I can't decide...help me....

How would I manage without you to point me in the direction of lunch? I'd procrastinate the decision until the cat needed fed, and then once I was in the kitchen anyways, I'd find myself something. See? He really is my Dom.

There was a woman, who has approached both of us on Fetlife. She says she is new to the scene, Zen thought he had seen her before, but I don't think so. Unless she's lying about being all sorts of new. She has stunning tattoos, they do look sort of familiar, but at the same time I'm not positive about that and I'd think I would remember them more clearly. She likes Zen's photography, apparently. And is trying to make friends and figure out where to start with this new interest. I am trying to get her to come to a discussion group thing at Voodoo on Thursday. She thinks she is a sub in need of a Dom but she doesn't really know. Says she has a hard time asking for what she wants. I hope that she will come out, and feel at home, and take her time in exploring and learning. She says she wants someone to teach her, one on one, to be a sub. That skirts some dangerous territory. I don't feel it's safe to pop on Fetlife looking for a Domly man to go home with, to tell you how to be and what to do, especially if you're not clear on what you need or how to ask for it. That sounds like trouble from where I sit. I mean, even when you get some experience and learnin' under your belt, this stuff isn't easy, but you have to be careful how you get together with people and how much trust and power you let them have. It isn't like there is a Dom's Safety Certification where you can sign on with a Licensed Sub Wrangler and learn your stuff. You wind up in some dude's basement getting nerve damage from being tied up the wrong way, or having him record you taking it up the rear with his nanny-cam. It's simply not cricket.

So yeah. Hope she comes out. She is shy and introverted, but so are at least 60-70% of the club's members if I had to guess. We are sex nerds. Plenty of introverts there.

So a thing that happened when we were at the party, was that a lady I'm very fond of was pretty drunk, and she put the make-out on both me and Zen. The reason I note this here, is I can watch a woman put the smoochin on my lover and not feel even the slightest brush of anything like a jealousy. Not even one little bit. In fact, I feel more love! Love for everybody! I actually think that I could share him with another real woman and as long as she were not so utterly perfect as to make him completely forget I even exist, or outright hostile to me...I'd be just fine with it. And there are very, very few women I encounter in the real world around me who fit that description. Most of us are real, therefore imperfect, even the ones I find to be utterly captivating are still very human.

There it is, there's my sore spot though. Zen says that the best way to make yourself miserable is to compare yourself to other people. But there's no one in my world who compares to him. I haven't a bit of craving for a 25 year old with chiseled abs and a ginormous wang. Not a bit. I HAVE what I want. To me, fantasy is useful for shaping my reality to better please me. For Zen, I feel like fantasy is useful for escaping a reality that all too often kinda sucks. I struggle with feeling like the relatively dull reality that can't be as good as the shiny fantasy. I want so badly to feel secure enough that I don't get a sinking feeling when he expresses his enthusiasm over a celebrity or a pornstar, basically. And I keep returning to the question...isn't it completely weird and backwards, that I would in fact have a fairly easy time with another real woman, but those he will (probably) never get a chance to do anything with, make me so sad. Like I feel like I've got to become a movie star to be the girl of his dreams, to the extent that he is the man of mine.

Is that dumb? It feels dumb. And everybody likes porn. But not me. Normal people don't like the idea of sharing their lover with other real people, normal people are ok with fantasy, normal people enjoy role play, and normal people think that celebrities are special, it's like there is this strange package of "I'm not like other people" stuff... And it's led me to think I maybe need to find a professional therapist or counselor, because other people I try to talk to, hoping to figure out some insight on how to fix my stuff, they can't relate because I'm weird, or they have nothing really to say. Or I don't want to talk to them because I don't want to be "girl with issues".

Ugh.

Note/disclaimer thing: My emotional self right now isn't having a wallow, I'm hungry and I'm craving sex, but I'm not unhappy. Just having a moment remembering the other night and thinking, "Sure, THAT is just fine, but this other stuff bugs me...wtf, already??"

I'm gonna go get food and hugs now.

EDIT:

Food was good. Hugs and kisses were even better. I can go directly from thinking about STUFF and then I'm there with him and everything is cool. My heart is soaring because I'm with Zen and he is lovely. He goes to visit his Dad soon. I hope he has a good trip, and I hope I can stay busy enough to deal with him being gone a week without missing him too intensely. I still really want sex, though. Good thing that we have tomorrow evening before he leaves.

 

[Spork]

I had SUCH a wonderful time last night!!

A friend was having a birthday get together at Ihop. Bunch of kinky people there. We had the whole back section, and it was fabulous. Supernova was there, flirting it up as he always does. I accused him of being a "flirt whore" but I was only giving him a hard time. I'm nearly as bad, I'm a flirtatious and affectionate friend...he pushes things slightly further than I do, though. Like I am joking, and he wants to get in my pants. But I have no problem keeping him at just ~such~ a distance. It's like...I adore him, and find him attractive, and enjoy his joking and company and all that, but there are reasons why even if I were completely free and available I'd still decline his advances. And yet I'm amused and flattered by his attention all the same. So it's a funny little dance.

Ihop is just across the parking lot from Zen's work, and I was tempted to go bug him but he works very hard and takes his job very seriously, and I respect that and I have said I don't mean to make a habit of showing up at his work, and I mean it. So I did not. Though I stood in the parking lot gazing at his car when we were all loitering around in "OK now I'm leaving...chat chat chat...ok, I gotta go...hug hug...OK seriously now..." mode. And I said to Supernova that Zen was just over there and I was tempted to go see him. And Supernova said, "Seriously? He's right there? I want to go ask him permission right now, you've got a minivan, let's make this happen." And I'm like ... No. Ya big slut.

But a funny thing happened though. There is a new-ish friend in the community, one of those great ones who shows up and is instantly HOME and you know he's gonna be a fixture of the scene. And he and Supernova just met, and the two of 'em did not JUST hit it off, they connected on like cosmic "separated at birth" levels. So, New Guy, I'll call him Navy because I can't think of anything better at this moment... is a very tall guy who was in the Navy and has clearances and has traveled and he is Hawaiian. Supernova is a pretty diverse ethnic blend...black, white, Puerto Rican, Native American, and maybe more who knows? Both of 'em are on the lighter spectrum of "brown dudes." Supernova's got these green eyes though, that will knock you right on your ass. But they talk about being selected by the TSA and other forms of annoying profiling and discrimination they've faced (funny since both of them have very significant Native blood, and are more American than white people.) They fist bumped and were like "brown powers activate." And both of them can do this weird twitch thing with their lower eyelids, that Navy says he'd never met anyone who could do. Both very widely traveled, with military experience, and speak multiple languages. Like, not only English and one or two others, but SEVERAL languages. Italian. Several times they finished each other's thought and said what the other was thinking. And they were sort of riffing humor off one another.

It. Was. Brilliant. And uncanny. And prior to last night they had met for all of like 20 minutes on one other occasion.

Oh, and we had this amazing gay server at Ihop. When the Birthday girl had called to arrange the party, dude this guy actually bought her a little birthday tiara and a sash. They did not know one another previously. I mean, I assume he just ran over to the Dollar Store or something, but talk about a personal touch! He was so cool. And the more we interacted... So finally I went up to him when he was standing at the little cash register thing and no one else was around, and I said, "Has anyone told you what kind of a group we're all part of?" and he said no, and seemed very excited, interested and intrigued...so I told him about the whole kink thing and gave him a card for the club, and he was WAY excited about that. Says he'll come out.

So I may have converted a new one for Voodoo, which is great, I'm always trying to do that.

Oh, and I was reminded through a mention in the conversation last night about this band, I just sent Youtube links to Navy of this. Hurra Torpedo. They are a trio of weird Norwegian guys in track suits, who make music by beating appliances to death, and do covers of anything from Britney Spears and Lady Gaga, to the Pixies and Bonnie Tyler...as well as a bunch of their own originals, which I also like very much. I mean, I've bought all of the mp3s I could get my hands on through Amazon, I really like these guys a lot, even when I can't understand the language they sing in, I love how the songs sound. They seem to break up and reunite from time to time. I hope and dream that they might come back to the continental US again someday. I'd travel to see them if I could plan ahead for the time and money...just not out of the US. They're one of a very short list of bands I feel kind of "bucket list" about...like one day, I gotta make that happen, even just once.

But if anything that is sort of my taste in music. Mostly in the genre of rock or pop (as opposed to rap or country, or variants thereof)...and more than anything, weird performance art. I want to see and hear something really unusual, not just another group with a couple guitars, drums, and a mic. I want weird. And I love the sounds of interesting percussion, and I think there are sounds particular to industrial and some steampunk music...machine noises, banging...there is something about making music out of noise. I like it. And I'm a big fan of stuff that conforms more to the strange notions of a group of oddball makers, artists, creative people...and not formulated to please the radio masses.

Of course that's a huge reason, all of that, why GWAR was always King of my music library, though I do go through long periods where I don't listen to them very much, and I'm in one of those now...

 

[Spork]

Oh. I forgot a funny part of what went down last night. I was chillin' with all these great friends, and there were some friends of the Birthday gal that I didn't necessarily know, but you know it is a REALLY small world...

In walks this guy. This...one guy. Our eyes met, he gave a weird little wave, I nodded at him. Soo... In like May of 2015, following the big blowup with my ex husband, we both started fiddling around with online dating. Of course I had bites on the bait immediately, and I went on a couple of dates that were flops before things really got going with Worm King and later Analyst and the quad and all that. But it all started with me fiddling around on OK Cupid. There was this one dude, we talked online a while before I got around to meeting him, and he told me all kinds of his kinks and fantasies and stuff (some of which were heckin' weird, but I'm not going to be shamey about it. Your kink is not my kink and all that.) So we met up for dinner. And the place he suggested, turned out he went there all the time and knew the staff pretty well. And he sat there nervous and his eyes were all twitchy and weird, and the server kept giving me these smirky looks like he was imagining me gettin' all down and dirty with his pal. And wow was that awkward as can be. Really awkward. So awkward, I never saw that guy ever again. I continued to talk to him online a little, but that kind of petered out as soon as more interesting prospects cropped up. As a matter of fact I told someone later, "I was seriously thinking about having sex with him because I was bored, but I really didn't LIKE him, and the date just skeeved me off way too badly."

And sure enough. I had not seen this guy since late May of 2015 and there he was at the birthday party. I did the thing of being nice and gave him a hug when he left and asked how he'd been and stuff. He lost a ton of weight (over 100 pounds) which I had certainly noticed, and he informed me that he could flap his loose skin and fly to the moon. I was like...uh...lovely. Heh.

He might be the most awkward human I have met, maybe ever. My god.

 

[Spork]

Well, my last night with Zen before his trip to see his Dad was very good. One of the things I won in the raffles last Saturday, was a nice heavy leather leash, which he clipped onto my collar and played with, while we watched a movie (Henry and June.) Later we enjoyed it as an impact toy. Sex was delicious as it generally is, and I am feeling very loved today.

An idea came into my head, which I spoke in the moment last night, because some of the films we've watched lately (Cabaret, Henry and June) have poly-ish themes, and Zen has said during various romantic plot entanglements, "Poly is hard!" or "Polyamory is complicated!" or some such thing... Well, I was thinking during Henry and June that it did illustrate one thing in the passionate and lusty longings of the main character, that when a woman has good sexual experiences, she generally wants more. We've talked about this here in my blog before, and several women chimed in to say, "Yes, totally me!" And it ties also into the Tao stuff I've been reading.

In the philosophies of the Tao, basically yin (female energy) is seen to be a much deeper reserve, more readily replenished, either inexhaustible or at least very renewable. Male energy, or yang, is seen to be a resource the man has to hoard to himself, he can literally run out and die, and if he expends it too readily it is seen to be harmful...but if he reserves it and keeps it for himself, and especially if he partakes very liberally of yin energy, then he can in theory be immortal, or at least very healthy. So you have this whole sexual practice and ideology that revolves around men thoroughly and completely satisfying women's sexual needs and trying as hard as they can, especially as they get older, to NOT ejaculate, essentially. I've now read two books that Zen lent me, that pretty much revolve around these ideas. "The Tao of Loving" actually says that it's perfectly natural for a woman to need more than one man to have sex with. Much ado is made of a basic sense that when a man expends his sexual energy, he is spent. He doesn't feel good, he feels tired, wrung out, as it were. But women can just go and go. Well in all honesty, no, I've said it before and it's true...I do not always want to just go and go, I get tired, too, and like to rest and sort of bask and snuggle and relax sometimes after I have come, but that's beside the point. It is true that I am ready to "go again" if I'm enjoying myself, in fairly short order...and the more I get, the more I want, if it's good.

Then you have these films, particularly the one I watched last night, portraying lusty women with multiple male partners. And I mentioned that it was a point made in favor of poly, that a fun sexual experience with a partner on the side, such as Anïse has with Henry, can often re-ignite passion in the original dyad, such as it does sometimes in her marriage to Hugo. Of course, in both Cabaret, AND Henry and June, I was hoping and waiting for the scene where the main characters decided to have moresomes/orgies, and live happily ever after in communal poly bliss, and that never happened, but hey. Whatever.

So I am on board as far as we go with "yes, as a woman, I do feel that I have a lot of love and sexual energy to give."

But then we come to another idea that bounced off my radar, on Facebook. Saskia, the semi-famous and fiercely sexy hairless Dominatrix of Denver, posted a theory she was swishing around in her "headmeat"...what if humans had evolved different biological mating realities, like how cats have barbed equipment, you know, or how dogs can be "stuck" together for like 30 minutes after copulation is technically complete? How would it affect human mating if we were stuck paired for half an hour after the male was done, she wondered... And I raised an eyebrow at that. Spockishly, did my eyebrow rise in puzzlement. Because I imagined she was saying, "We humans have the right and privilege to repel like magnets post-coitus, dashing in opposite directions, or at the least, rolling over and pretending our partner, who now has all the appeal of a dirty sock, does not exist in the room...how ever would we cope if forced to proximity, and worse, AWARENESS, or heaven help us, INTERACTION, with our sex partner for (horrors!) an entire HALF AN HOUR after sex?? Would we be more selective? Would casual sex become a thing of the past?" I mean...what?

So even in casual pairings, I've had more (usually) than half an hour of post coital interaction. Lying around looking at one another, relaxing, being happily naked, talking...that's part of the experience, and I cannot imaging being happy with sex if it's missing. I had one lover once (that I remember) who wanted to put on his clothing and vanish as quickly as possible afterwards... and he stands out as The Example of what bad sex looks like, to me. And frankly, I like to at least play at a bit of emotional bonding any time that sex has occurred. I don't like the concept of unemotional physical release. Might as well masturbate and save yourself the risk of disease, seriously. Why bother, if you're not going to savor the sharing of another human being? Do people just...not really like other people? Am I the odd one, here? What is up with all of this?

And where all of these threads are tying to one peg on my mental logic board, is to wonder if men have more experience of repulsion or distaste for their partner if they have specifically ejaculated during sex? Is that the biological mechanism that says, "OH MY GOD SHE COULD BE PREGNANT, RUN!" if she is not your bonded life partner for whom you are prepared to provide and protect? Is that the entire basis for this all or nothing approach I've seen with so many men, who say "there are two kinds of women, those you fuck and those you marry." Which is sad, really, to me, because I want to enjoy such a more rich spectrum of human experience. Are men more likely to bond if they do NOT "finish?" Are women more likely to bond if we do? My experience says, "no." I am not more likely to bond with someone simply because I have had an orgasm. It's nice and all. But there are a handful of partners with whom I have, and I did not get attached, and there are some with whom I did not but I DID get attached, and Zen is one of only a couple of people with whom I have both had orgasms AND strong emotional bonding ("bonfire" level feelings thing.) No particular cause and effect there for me.

However, I can say that good sex makes me want more orgasms, and orgasms make me want more orgasms. Whether I want to go make them happen on my own or I want more sex with a partner, depends on what partners are in my life. If I have a partner to whom I am bonded, I want sex with them. If I do not feel bonded, I'm just as content to take care of my own needs and I don't especially crave that person even if I do crave physical release. What makes for a desire for emotional bonding, though? I have no idea. It seems to strike like lightening, where it will, and I don't feel like I can control or predict it. But I have initially gone into many a sexual encounter, hoping it might flare...and mostly it hasn't. Only rarely. It may be a purely chemical thing, where my body has sampled their tastes and scents enough to decide that they would be an excellent breeding match, science says we've got all sorts of subliminal code that runs like that. I just don't know.

But I can say one thing...even though Zen lit my fuse and blew my mind last night and I am still feeling sparky and switched on, and if I could, I'd have him again right now...this does not translate for me, to a desire to have sex with another man, unless I could have one I felt "bondy" over. I could not just release that energy on a hookup, and feel I'd done anything but wasted my time. And this leads me to the frustration with the male perception of "two kinds of women"...because I really prefer (in hypothetical theory) the shade of "FB/FWB" where I'm allowed to feel things, even if the relationship is only casual. I don't feel any compulsion to chase sex where I don't feel chemically attachy. If my desire is not awakened, and it is for so few, then I have no craving. That's why I still occasionally, when I'm all sparked up but Zen is not available to keep on giving me his company and sex (I mean we have to work sometimes)...the only person who enters my mind, is the Worm King. But fleetingly and with a frustrated dismissal, since not only did I agree to no sex with other men, but also because he's the flake that he is and all of that. Plus the biggest "no factor" with him being that I never did know his sexual health situation, I rolled the dice HARD with him, he's a risky partner and would continue to be one. He doesn't even say if he's got other partners, but it should be assumed. And he does not like to use protection. Dude is just...high risk. So, no Worm King for me. And no one else either. But intriguing to analyze the heightened levels of generalized spontaneous desire once Zen wakes me up.

 

[Spork]

Well this is less than optimal...

I was up a little late last night working on my art. Not terribly, but until like 10:30. And I had to get up early (4:45) to get ready and take Q to his school because he's got a field trip with his orchestra today, that was leaving his school early...so after I dropped him off, I just went to work early.

Here I am, got here 45 minutes early and don't feel like I slept enough, and caffeine is not even touching this tiredness. Maybe food would help. I didn't eat last night.

And tonight I have game night, which I must go to, as a friend is actually running the tabletop roleplaying game module that Dave Brockie (my friend and late singer of GWAR) wrote... I think I shall have to go nap in my car, on my lunch, and maybe at home after work for a little while before I go down there.

The food thing is odd. I'm supposed to have this mild hypothyroid, which from everything I've read ought to have me gaining weight, but I am rarely very hungry and I don't eat that much and I don't gain weight... I guess I fuss about the shape of my body, because I have a mild background hum of paranoia that I have always taken for granted how small I am, and that no matter what I choose to eat, I won't gain weight. It's always been that way. But I'm afraid that I'll go on assuming everything is great, and one day start gaining weight and not be able to lose it. And the idea of changing my diet is horrific to me. I can't just simply eat things I don't like. People don't get that. I'd really rather go hungry. For days. Seriously. Foods that I am intolerant of...they register as NOT FOOD in my mind. A leaf of lettuce is not better than eating a bug...like I know other people can eat bugs, and leaves, and it's fine...perfectly nutritious, not gonna kill me. But it's not food. Actually I would rather eat certain kinds of bugs especially if they could be cooked first. Plants, though? No. No, no, no. There is no garnish or sauce or trick in the world that makes them ok to eat in my mind.

I'd much rather exercise than diet. Any day of any week. This is not what most people I know feel, but it's the way that I do. So I worry, if the day comes that I am expected to "cut" things out of my diet, like carbs or fats or sugars, because what would I eat? My diet is already very limited. I don't like condiments, rich or spicy foods, seafood, most plants (there are a very few exceptions)...most nuts, low fat almost anything... The list of foods I do eat is much smaller than the list of foods I do not. And I cannot easily change this.

My god I am tired. I'm rambling. I feel like nothing I am saying, thinking, or doing matters right now. I'm so tired I feel almost kind of sick.

Last night was a discussion group that I always go to...I've been going since I first started going to Voodoo. And it used to be that it was this one woman running it, and the MFQ, the woman who was in charge of the place before, would be there...but the woman who usually runs the group had some kind of an emergency and was not there, and the woman who used to be in charge of Voodoo isn't anymore and has left the scene somewhat, so she wasn't there...we had only a few people and no agenda or topics. Just sat around talking. The new woman I'd hoped would show up, sent me a message saying that a friend had OD'ed and she was staying in the hospital with them. I said what you say...that I was so sorry and hoped her friend was ok...but I was thinking, wondering if she was just making an excuse and wondering if she is friends with junkies maybe because she is an addict too? There is no indication on her profile. But it's pretty rare for Zen and I to have a random woman reach out to us both, her profile says she is straight, but she's been trying very hard to get ME to go to coffee with her or something... I wonder if she looks at us and thinks we might have money or be a good resource...? I have to wonder this kind of thing, because Old Wolf was approached by a few women when he was dating, who were addicts and wanted to take advantage of him. This woman says she is just new to everything and looking to make friends, and I want to believe that, but I am quietly suspicious...just a little...especially now. But I suppose I am permitted to be slightly wary of strangers.

I can go to lunch and take a nap in like 3 hours. I hope I make it.

 

[Spork]

Well I did make it.

I ate some english muffins with BUTTER and STRAWBERRY JAM (are you reading this, Zen? They were delicious, with warm melty butter dripping out and like a half inch of thick preserves...)

And that helped to perk me up until lunch, when I got to go nap in the van for about an hour. I dropped out of this plane of existence for a while, and when I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off, it felt like I'd been asleep forever. I was pretty discombobulated for a minute, trying to get myself back to functionality, but it did help. I'm going to try and close my eyes for a little bit when I get home from work, and before I head out to game night, too. Maybe get some coffee, and try to remember to eat something.

So the person I thought was running that game module, posted on fetlife he was running an older version of D&D tonight, so maybe he is NOT running the game I thought he was... I will bring some other games just in case people want to play them.

Along with other stuff I continue to struggle with spontaneous bouts of desire and fantasy brought about by the pure delicious physical joy Zen gave me the other night. If I were not so tired, I would spend my time before heading to game night, maybe writing up some of this fantasy stuff to send to Zen, as it has periodically and intensely occupied my mind today.

Oh, in other news, GWAR is touring and a few people have asked me if I plan to go, Zen included. The answer to that is, "no" because the stop they have in Colorado is on the Vans Warped Tour, which is a music festival thing, and I do not like seeing GWAR in big festival or arena crowds. Let alone paying a high price for a ticket to see a festival where I don't like most of the bands and I get tired, and GWAR doesn't necessarily even play a full set, but even if they do it's almost impossible for me to be up close. I'm too short to stand in the middle of the crowd. And too old to enjoy being on my feet all day for bands I don't love. So I will only go (maybe) if they hit the smaller bars on a regular tour run, which they might do later on this fall perhaps. I'm also rather disappointed in how they've done things. The most intense part of my love of them arose from my friendship when Dave sort of brought me into the fold. So much of what has gone down since he died...drama, fighting over his estate and intellectual/creative property rights...and then the band not touring last fall, or this spring, joining a very mainstream festival tour, skipping the GWARBQ this year just as it was becoming a really big deal, tons of outsourced merchandising, less effort to do PR and to be entertaining and to connect with people and less creative effort as far as I can see from actual members of the band. I just feel like they've been dropping the ball. It makes me very sad, but maybe I should just let it go and be happy they had a good run and we had good times.

Also, I have another community now, and I am so in love with Zen, and GWAR just isn't going to be his thing really. I love my memories and that won't change, but I feel connected to a different thing now...another area of my life and interest has taken precedent.

 

[Hannahfluke]

Oh, and I was reminded through a mention in the conversation last night about this band, I just sent Youtube links to Navy of this. Hurra Torpedo. They are a trio of weird Norwegian guys in track suits, who make music by beating appliances to death, and do covers of anything from Britney Spears and Lady Gaga, to the Pixies and Bonnie Tyler...as well as a bunch of their own originals, which I also like very much. I mean, I've bought all of the mp3s I could get my hands on through Amazon, I really like these guys a lot, even when I can't understand the language they sing in, I love how the songs sound. They seem to break up and reunite from time to time. I hope and dream that they might come back to the continental US again someday. I'd travel to see them if I could plan ahead for the time and money...just not out of the US. They're one of a very short list of bands I feel kind of "bucket list" about...like one day, I gotta make that happen, even just once.

But if anything that is sort of my taste in music. Mostly in the genre of rock or pop (as opposed to rap or country, or variants thereof)...and more than anything, weird performance art. I want to see and hear something really unusual, not just another group with a couple guitars, drums, and a mic. I want weird. And I love the sounds of interesting percussion, and I think there are sounds particular to industrial and some steampunk music...machine noises, banging...there is something about making music out of noise. I like it. And I'm a big fan of stuff that conforms more to the strange notions of a group of oddball makers, artists, creative people...and not formulated to please the radio masses.

Of course that's a huge reason, all of that, why GWAR was always King of my music library, though I do go through long periods where I don't listen to them very much, and I'm in one of those now...

I've been thinking about linking you to this video since I read this post, but I had to head to work before I got to and then kept forgetting to do it when I wasn't busy. OK GO is one of the favorite bands of a couple of people in our polycule. They do amazingly intricate videos for a lot of their songs. This one is tied for my favorite with this one. I wanted to share in case they weren't on your music radar and you end up liking them.

 

[Spork]

In a strange twist of coincidence, I'm listening to a Weird World documentary show on Netflix, and they mentioned OK Go. They apparently want to release an album in DNA coded format...not sure how it would be "played" but yeah... I'll look into them further at some point.

 

[Hannahfluke]

That doesn't surprise me (since they all seem like big geeks, that's the impression that I get from their videos anyway) but I wonder how you'd play it too.

 

[Spork]

Working on art, working on art... So the details on the phases of this piece are in the captions on the images, in an album on my profile here...but I'll just quickly stick the photos into this post:

I am calling the piece "Kupro" which is "copper" in Esperanto since the dragon himself is copper colored. I am presently faced with a dilemma, and I would love anyone's input. So the background has all of that colorful stuff going on, and I like it and think it's cool...because it reminds me of
- A treasure hoard
- A cosmos full of stars
- An explosion of sparks
...but the problem I've got is that, especially in bright lighting, as with the last photo, the colors look garish, noisy and distracting. I feel that they take away from the overall effect, they are simply too much. The dragon will remain copper colored, but I am very seriously contemplating taking the background back to a matte black. This would be a very easy change for me to make, but once it's done, it's done. There is no going back to the colorful scheme it has right now. Mainly I am thinking that when I take this to be sold, the lighting in that room will be harsh and bright probably, and while the colors look amazing in warm/dim light, in bright/harsh light...not so much. You can see the difference, as I got pics of it with different light, warm artificial light, versus bright diffused sunlight.

I would VERY MUCH welcome any input on this, I have a day or two before I really have to execute any such act if I decide to do so.

 

[breathemusic]

Is there any way to request that your work be placed in a particular type of lighting for the show?

 

[starlight1]

Is there anyway to varnish over it to dull it down? (Like when tinting wood) without going completely matte and opaque?

These are incredibly gorgeous Frieze's though! REALLY impressive.

 

[Tinwen]

...but the problem I've got is that, especially in bright lighting, as with the last photo, the colors look garish, noisy and distracting. I feel that they take away from the overall effect, they are simply too much.

Spork, the issue I have with your beautiful!!!! sculpture is not that the background colors in the last picture, but that in the next to last the body of the dragon captures much more attention than the head (and other body parts, but most importantly the head), consequently making it a little difficult to orient yourself in the picture as a whole. The body seems to be the central focal point. Is there a way to perhaps emphasize the head of the dragon?
But maybe it's just the photo.

Anyway, wow, it's quite amazing!

 

[Spork]

Is there any way to request that your work be placed in a particular type of lighting for the show?

Not really. It will be at a sci fi convention art show, in a room with lots of other art. I'm thinking hotel event space...fluorescent lighting, not much I can do about that unless I want to put it in a tent or something silly. (No.)

Is there anyway to varnish over it to dull it down? (Like when tinting wood) without going completely matte and opaque?

These are incredibly gorgeous Frieze's though! REALLY impressive.

You are the second person to ask if I could somehow tone down the colors instead of obliterating them. That might be possible, yes. I will give it some thought. I would probably use very watered down tinted paint washes to turn down the volume on the noise... That could work. Thank you for your input.

Spork, the issue I have with your beautiful!!!! sculpture is not that the background colors in the last picture, but that in the next to last the body of the dragon captures much more attention than the head (and other body parts, but most importantly the head), consequently making it a little difficult to orient yourself in the picture as a whole. The body seems to be the central focal point. Is there a way to perhaps emphasize the head of the dragon?
But maybe it's just the photo.

Anyway, wow, it's quite amazing!

I don't know if you've ever painted miniature gaming figures, the tiny metal ones? There is a common thing to deal with detail and texture, where you dry brush the surface and/or use a thin black wash to sink into the recessed places...we do this especially with chain mail for instance. I used similar techniques on the dragon. And I was not even noticing this, but the black wash seems more pronounced on the head, and the copper is more coppery on the body. I could probably do with some touch up in the copper colors on the head, and then another coat of sealant. Wouldn't hurt one bit. Thanks for pointing that out!