The story of Spork.

Yesterday's discussion group was pretty cool. We had loads of new people, like 12 of them, and a returning inactive member, the one little old dude I've befriended, and about 4 of us I think who were old regulars. Some of the new folks were established in the lifestyle, just new to Voodoo. Some were brand new to all of it. Had a great discussion about all sorts of things, from healthy power dynamics to safety, to...well all sorts of stuff.

Again I am confident that a number of these new folks will return for memberships and parties, though I've said that before and have sometimes been wrong. But it was a good group anyhow.

The little old guy from Jersey has gotten around to completing his Fetlife profile (I jokingly called it "Fetbook Facething" and "Fetspace" last night, to general amusement) and ya know, the more I know about him, the more delightful and cute I find him. Not in a way of wanting to do anything in particular with him, just...he is a cute sort of person. He wants to be tied up and tickled. The thought makes me smile. I don't necessarily feel any need to be a participant, unless we get a group of people ganging up on him, but I would like to watch this happen.

I'm generally in his cheering section, and hope he finds his heart's desire in the community. He's nice.

And there was this Native American looking dude, I'm enthusiastic about his presence since he has a good handle on kink and ethics and such, is only into play in a non-sexual sense and is excited to make friendships, and he is a maker of gear or toys or something...we sell the work of local artists at the club so he seems like an asset to our membership potentially. He's from Denver, so hopefully it doesn't get to be a nuisance for him to come down. He seems like good people.

There was also a woman, there with her husband...I guess they are possibly opening their marriage or something, and she is exploring kink but most of her experience so far has been online, I believe. She had some stories of supposed "Doms" who have reached out to talk to her, and we had to set her straight on what's ok and what is NOT. Random internet wannabe Doms be like "You have to obey me, subbie woman! I am in charge! Even though I don't know you! Send nudes..." :rolleyes: That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. No.

So this weekend is Tastings night which is where we have experts in various genres of kink set up to do little mini-scenes so that new folks can try different things. It's by far the busiest party of any given typical month. I hope that we see lots of the discussion group newbies there.
 
I took Friday off you guys, how cool is that?

Well. Off work, but I had things I needed to deal with, like getting some maintenance done on my van.

Then Friday night, Zen and I went to a party for a friend's birthday, she'd themed it "Arabian Nights" and I managed a sort of costume, with just a nice skirt and a top I made of a long white scarf, and some jingly silver things. The party ended up being a sort of orgy. And I didn't really feel very participatory. I felt a bit bad about that, for a little while. I had to think about it, which I typically need a little processing when my brain says one thing and my gut or heart another. My brain was telling me that good fun was happening and I ought to shuck my clothing and get in on it. My gut or heart was shrinky and hesitant and didn't really want to. Now I suspect, this was one of these situations where if somebody with an instigating streak had nudged me properly I would have gone for it and felt just fine about that. But nobody was nudging, until nearly the end of the night when a woman asked if Zen and I wouldn't do a flogging scene but it was too late at that point. Zen did sit by a pretty young woman who wanted anyone to touch her and he caressed her body while another man was going down on her...he invited me to get in on that, but I didn't.

So afterwards I was feeling like I'd been the lame one who didn't play, kind of a stick-in-the-mud or something. Worried even that I had let Zen down somehow. But then I was like...ya know, if I'm not feelin' it, then I don't HAVE to be feelin' it! But why? Why was I not feelin' it though? I can only figure it's the same as how I don't really have an interest or a comfort with the swinger parties, I've never been to one and don't especially want to. While I can agree that a pretty person is pretty, I feel no attraction whatsoever to them if we haven't at least had a good, connecty sort of a conversation. If I haven't engaged with their mind, I don't want to mess with their body. I've found in discussions on other (mostly muggle) relationship forums that this is atypical, it's not how most folks are where they see a visually attractive person and want to have sex with them. I just...don't. Not unless we've talked and I've decided they are interesting.

So I didn't know this young woman at all, and I was not really feeling comfortable just getting in there messing with her. And I really didn't have enough of a connected or interested feeling towards anyone at the party, except for Zen. So just getting it on with random people, pretty or not, does not feel good to me. It's not that I need to develop an emotional connection (demisexual) it's more that I need to make an intellectual one (sapiosexual) I suppose.

So I drifted about, smoked outside, got into a conversation or two, and was just sorta...there. But I am glad that Zen had some fun. I wish I'd suggested that he and I at least do something, whether sexual or impact play or whatever. But I was off kilter enough to be uncertain of what I should do.

Then on Saturday, we went to the tastings party, and many of the new folks from the discussion groups were there. I helped on the front desk early in the evening. Supernova was there, and that was good since he's a pretty rare one to show up at Voodoo events, and I got a fire scene in with him. Then Zen and I did a very enjoyable impact scene later. Zen and I spent the earlier part of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday having sex, so it was generally a really good weekend with a lot of fun and intimacy all around.

This week...today I just found out I need to leave work early and take Q to do some filming in a cemetery for a project for his video production class. Which means that tomorrow will work better to get together with a possible new friend from another forum where I sometimes post, we've been meaning to get together for coffee or ice cream or something (we've settled on gelato) for some time. She is formerly part of the kink community here, and while she doesn't really want to get back into the greater scene, she likes the idea of getting together and talking. Wednesday, Q has an orchestra concert. Nothing much besides Zen time is going on Thursday or Friday. Saturday, Voodoo has a holiday party going on. So there's some social stuff afoot this week but not an overwhelming amount...
 
Oh, so you guys know I love old people, I've talked about this. For like the last 2 or 3 days, I've seen several videos cross my Facebook feed of old people dancing. First an old lady in a store. Then an old couple in what looked like a hotel or maybe a casino. Then another old lady, this time in a bedroom. Finally, the jewel of the bunch, this 103 year old Australian dancer and choreographer. What a beautiful human being!

So I want to share this:

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-12-01/australias-103-year-old-dance-eileen-kramer/9216140

Because it made my heart feel all warm and my eyes tear up a bit.
 
So I took Q to the cemetery to do his filming. We saw a bunch of deer. It was cold, but he got the shots he wanted.

Then I spent much of the evening being lazy. Got plenty of stuff I think I should probably get done around the house, but somehow in the evenings after work, none of it usually feels urgent. I can get up the motivation to do, for instance, housework, early in the morning when I wake up, but somehow after my work day I'm like...bleeeehhhhhhhh, NO. I'm just gonna sit and be a lump. Then in the morning when my mind is booting up, while I'm in the shower, I'm thinking "WTF, why didn't you use your time more wisely! You could have vacuumed and done laundry and worked on art and and and..." Guess I need to be realistic about where my personal energy is distributed. At least I have been really good about getting this minimal house work routine done every morning. Dishes, clean the litterbox, make my bed. Anything else is a bonus.

In all fairness, the house could be cleaner but it's not a total mess. I'm doing ok keeping up. And I'm getting a bit better at making Q do things to earn what he wants from me. He practically always wants SOMETHING, so I can leverage that to get him to help out with stuff. He cleaned the hall bathroom he shares with his brother, last night, and he did the dishes, and cleaned up his room.

So. In my relaxy time last night I decided to give it another go with a show on TV that I tried at one point to watch, but didn't really get into. We'd seen this actor do a talk at...StarFest, I think?...one of the little comic convention things anyhow... He plays the character "Elliott" on the show "The Magicians." It's about a bunch of sexy young people who have innate magical abilities and go to a secret college to learn more about them and junk. And of course Big Scary Dangerous Shit happens, and they're destined for stuff and whatever. It's ok. I watched a few episodes last night. It'll do for in between things that Zen and I are watching together, since I don't want to cheat and watch ahead of where we are at, if he isn't there. I'm not really a huge "TV person." Like my ex would want the TV on at all times whether anyone was even watching it. He called it "background noise." I would rather have music playing if all I want is background noise. We spent a lot of years falling asleep with the TV going, and I'd wake up in the middle of the night and turn it off. So that's just not my thing.

And it's more typical for me to enjoy reading or doing a puzzle anyways. I struggle to find shows I even want to watch. So many channels...so much crap. After the kids move out, depending on what sort of tech is available then, we'll probably cut the cord and just subscribe to cheaper streaming services.
 
I had my ice cream date with my friend from the other forum site last night, and it was awesome. She is super cool. We talked for hours. I hope we hang out again, we talked about doing so.

I was planning to be home a lot earlier, but the conversation just flowed and time seemed to warp around me, like I had no idea how late it was getting. It's also a little tricky in the sense that it gets dark so early, it was already dark when I got there, so no seeing the sun go down and getting a clue from that. But when I realized how late it was and I was heading home, I felt awful because Zen was off work hours earlier and expecting me home, and I hadn't even texted him. This is the kind of thing that would have caused months of fights with my ex, and I know not to expect the same sort of stuff from Zen, but I do think he would have been justified in being upset with me. I don't like to disrespect other people's time, and I felt like I kinda did that, there. So I was apologetic, but he pretty much waved it off. (Sweetest man ever? Yeah, I think so.) And we watched a couple episodes of Stranger Things and had snuggles and it was good.

Then Q and I fought a bit this morning because I wanted him to wear a coat. Last year I took him to the store and had him pick one out, he swore it was one he'd actually wear, I spent like $50 on it, and he now refuses to wear it. He will only wear a hoodie. Actually both of them are on this stubborn hoodie crusade where winter coats are just unacceptable. I'm like WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO FREEZE?? My sons are a lot more willing to suffer for their fashion than I am, I guess. But at least he layers up. I don't know, there's just not much I can do about this. The last time I made either of them wear winter wear that they hated, they took the stuff to school and promptly "lost" it (I strongly suspect on purpose.) Q accused me of "toddlering" him. *sigh* Effing teenagers.
 
Single digit temps this morning. It's COLD outside. I think I might have got Q to at least put on some gloves.

He had an orchestra concert last night. I enjoyed the Christmas songs, though I am not sure they should have done the Ukranian Bell Carol (aka "Carol of the Bells") ...all I could think of was how much nicer it is with a handbell choir. I actually was present in a Church of all places for a full handbell choir performance of that, once, and it was really a lovely thing.

So Q was annoyed that some of his classmates in his Orchestra aren't performing as well as he would like, and he hopes he can try out and make Chamber Orchestra for next year. He is considering abandoning his orchestra efforts if he doesn't make the cut. I don't like that idea, as I've put a lot of expense and time into encouraging my sons to pursue music, but I don't think I'll fight him over it. I was a bit melancholy sitting in the audience, because I remember all the years ago that we started his older brother in Orchestra...I think nine years ago...and how I will never again watch my older son play with a school Orchestra, and he hasn't kept up with it and seems to have lost a lot of interest in it, so he probably won't join any groups as an adult doing this. And it's only a matter of time until Q is out of high school, too. Going as a proud parent to these events has always made me really happy.

On another note...

The man I sold my GWAR collection of little metal figures to, just sent me photos of them. He's painting them, which I never did, and they are coming out really splendid. He's very good at this. I am so glad I sold them to someone who will love and appreciate and display them as I never did. I just collected them for the sake of having them, and hoarded them in a drawer for years. And of course the $600 was really helpful to me at the time, too.

I really need to put some time into my holiday shopping and preparations. Zen helped me out with my Christmas budget which I appreciate very much, now I just need to clear some time to get things done. Got to rearrange the living room and figure out how to fit a tree into it, get the tree, get my Christmas stuff out of storage. After work I have to look for a Krampus sweater that I want to have Zen wear to a party this weekend, and I'm not sure where I put it. It's too big for me, so I hope it will fit him. And of course the plotting and scheming, buying and wrapping, cleaning and cooking efforts...
 
So lemme tell you about Colorado Springs weather. We got this neato thing with the low humidity where it totally matters where you stand.

In the summer, if you're in the sun you will roast to death, but if you stand in the shade, you'll be cool!

In the winter we get days like today. The sun is hot but the air is freezing. So if you're in the wind or the shade, you'll be cold. Get in a sunny spot out of the wind? You'll get very warm, very fast.

I always find this interesting, being from mostly far more humid places where it is simply either hot or cold no matter where you stand.

Also I was posting in another forum site and giving some dating advice to a dude. He said that he is forever being told he's very nice, and sweet, and one day will meet a wonderful woman, but... And he does not know what's up with this nice-guy thing. Of course this is the woman's way of saying "You seem like a good man but I don't find you attractive." He said he is 5'9", bald, and a little overweight. This, coupled with "very nice," I told him, makes him basically a walking marshmallow. And I seconded the advice of another poster in saying he should pursue hobbies and such, but not for the same reasons. Not merely because it will improve himself, or because it allows him to love himself and live with himself without a woman... But because I was thinking, even marshmallowy guys are appealing in certain situations. Like I've been to ComicCon, so I know, you take a man who is not necessarily objectively good looking, probably not confident at all normally, get him talking with INTELLIGENCE and PASSION about something, and suddenly ~whoom!~ you got a man in the house! Because it ignites that "Confidence" thing. Aha! And if a hobby also involves talent? Home run.

So I told this man, if you're mostly a marshmallow, that's fine. But wait until you have her sweaty, naked, and struggling to catch her breath, and be a marshmallow THEN. Until you reach that point? Be a rock. A rock on fire.

And...are ya ready?...this is the entire reason I'm sharing this whole story here. My brain has now re-written the lyrics to Dire Straits' "Walk of Life" to instead now..."be a rock...be a rock on fire...yeah, ya be a rock on fire..." and I can't get it out of my head.

You're welcome.
 
There's a guy in my social circles that that marshmallow description applies to - badly enough that he's just... tedious. Like, I like him as a person but I'm not seeking to spend time with him, and he's had women walk out on him mid-date. (well, at least one woman.) And I sympathize with him - a lot of his problem is he's one of the many people I know who are recovering from overly religious childhoods where they didn't get to interact much so socially, he's 13 even though he's 30-something. I may borrow your answer next time this come up.
 
icesong said:
There's a guy in my social circles that that marshmallow description applies to - badly enough that he's just... tedious. Like, I like him as a person but I'm not seeking to spend time with him, and he's had women walk out on him mid-date. (well, at least one woman.) And I sympathize with him - a lot of his problem is he's one of the many people I know who are recovering from overly religious childhoods where they didn't get to interact much so socially, he's 13 even though he's 30-something. I may borrow your answer next time this come up.
Click to expand...

Yeah a bit of passion goes a long way. Of course if you nerd out TOO hard on something that a woman has no comprehension or interest for, then you can't really use that to engage with her, and you have to hope to meet somebody who shares your interest. Like the one date where the dude would. not. stop. going on and on about superhero comics, even after I mildly said that wasn't really my thing, and the only comics I've ever gotten into in life were Elfquest and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and such. That "well that isn't my thing" sort of vibe should be taken (on a date) as cause to switch topics. And Zen, well, he's really into the Broncos and football, and nerds out about that. And I can listen to him because I adore him, but if the first night we hung out, he talked about it nonstop, I might not have chosen to spend more time with him.

But Zen is "really into" a goodly handful of various things, he's got a lot to talk about. And I imagine most people do if they can muster some enthusiasm for stuff. I dunno. Over on my old forums, which I only visit now because they are super-active, I give a lot of dating advice. But there are dudes there who are just angry, bitter, and difficult. Some of them just want to have their problems, and complain about them. And I have to accept that. Sometimes that's just where one is, in life.

And then there is one poster who is so tuned in, the guy is a really gifted writer, and I've told him he should write books. I'd buy 'em. I think I've nearly got him talked into doing it.

So I got Zen to watch the first episode of "The Magicians" last night. I'm not sure if it'll become a new favorite, but I rank it about even with The Orville if not as high as Dirk or Stranger Things. I'm not going to obsess about keeping up with it, but I don't mind watching it. And we got some sexytime in, which I am very glad about because I'd been craving it...but it was very nearly too late for it, I needed to get to bed...but I was kinda like "fuck it, no excuses, I want this." Another "Come As You Are" enlightened phenomenon, that business where the brakes feeling happens as your mind considers reasons not to have sex right now...but I got past it, and enjoyed myself. I still just love Zen so much, and find him so irresistible and it makes me so happy to be with him and close to him.

Old Wolf is back from the job he went out on, so the boys will be going and doing their gaming thing with him on Saturday. And at one point he'd cryptically said he had something he wanted to get together in person to discuss. He said he just didn't really know who else he could talk to about this and wanted some advice. After the nasty, bitter crap he threw at me the last time I sat down with him for a conversation, I have mixed feelings. It's obvious that part of me would be like, "No dude, fuck you, you said you never wanted to see my face again and after that the feeling is kind of mutual." But the other part of me that has remained calm and steady, is just like "Look...you know yourself, Spork. You know who you are and the sort of woman you want to be. You are never full of hate. You just aren't. Conflict sucks always, and if the guy is prepared to be chill and not treat you like an enemy, you should participate in that. To some limited extent. Foster good diplomatic relations here." I feel like a spiteful response only feeds and rewards the bad mojo that I don't like and don't want, and that being cooperative and friendly if he's behaving himself, feeds and rewards better mojo. And at least until the boys are grown...having good mojo or at least neutral, is better.

And giving good advice is part of who I am, too. So my true self says it's fine to agree to this. He offered to buy dinner or something, meet at a restaurant. I'm amenable, but I think I should tell him that if he goes all nasty or "interrogation mode" on me, I will walk out. Heck I haven't spoken to him about this for a couple weeks, maybe he got past the urge to share whatever it was. I have no idea. So I guess I'll wait and see.

Tonight there is a bar "munch" kind of get together that some members of another House in town run, and I've never been, but I have spent time at the with these folks, Supernova is connected to them and might go, and Zen says he's been before and it's fun. I don't know if we'll prefer to just stay home and do sexy, snuggly, couple stuff, or if we'll feel like going out...but I'm open to either. I wouldn't mind going for a while, but not for the whole evening maybe, too. And tomorrow Voodoo is having a holiday party. I need to check in on what's planned for that, make sure I know what I'm wearing and all, what we should bring for food. But I hope I can get time in this weekend to work on my holiday decorating, get the tree up, and maybe some shopping done...
 
The bar thing, we did wind up going and that was a lot of fun. I think it'll go into the "maybe" pile of future possible doings, on par with Game Night at Voodoo. Where it will likely depend on how socially saturated our plans are for the whole weekend and all...but if it routinely happens on the second Friday, the second Saturday parties at Voodoo are the themed ones, and it's always a toss-up if we go to those. Some of them are great, some are meh.

We also went to the party on Saturday. I have mixed feelings about that party. Like the overall human energy of it wasn't as great as some parties, but the stuff that Zen and I did was awesome. Like our time at the bar on Friday had better social interactions, I was happy throwing around talk with Supernova and with even some random bar dudes when I was outside smoking (I got to geek out about GWAR to them, and handed out some Voodoo cards, too.) I guess the party on Saturday could have used a bit more of that social enthusiasm, and for whatever reason a number of people even left early. But Zen said it could be the holiday season thing, and he might be right. It was a holiday themed party, and he says that people who are unhappy or alone, that time of year, aren't always thrilled to be in company with those lucky enough to be partnered and happy. That makes sense.

So I'm thinking this morning about something Reverie reminded me of in her blog that Zen and I discussed recently. The human handling of feelings/emotions - thoughts - words - actions. Zen was saying that while one's control of feelings/emotions (he talked about those as though different concepts, and I might need to ask him what he considers the difference to be, as they're pretty much synonyms in my vocabulary)...control of them might be imperfect, but we can control them BY working to control our thoughts.

For me, it isn't so much a matter of trying to control my feelings. It's more like a process. An emotional state bubbles up like something raw out of nature. Chaotic, probably triggered by something more concrete, but mostly abstract in its form. Then I have the big machinery of my brain engine, using my thoughts to process that raw material into something that makes sense. And after the thought-machine chews on it a while, then I can bring forth what is hopefully a controlled and rational response in my physical real-world manifestation of words or actions.

I feel that while Zen and I may see it differently in how we conceptualize self-control, we both have an appreciation for self-control. Many people however, seem to lack any sort of interest in controlling themselves, and feel an entitlement to go straight from emotion, to words or actions expressing it, with no mitigating thought process or anything in between. Certainly my ex, and my sons both have this going on, and many others I know. I don't personally think it's the best way to have a healthy relationship, but as Reverie says, some couples have that fire and fight, and they can make up afterwards without (maybe?) serious damage. I have known some Italian families especially growing up, and I can't imagine them any other way. They're just passionate all the time.

But, like Reverie, I can't thrive in that kind of an environment. I treasure my domestic harmony, and I don't like to fight. I'm much more likely to disappear, avoid, go grey/silent/cold, if people aim hostility at me. It's just how I learned to be, growing up. I think probably due to my father's alcoholism... I learned the basic lesson that became so natural I didn't even have to think about it, that when he was drunk he might do anything, and to simply be quiet and stay away, to hide from it. And I wasn't encouraged to be emotionally expressive. No one wanted me being loud or demanding as a small child. I didn't grow up feeling that I was entitled to outbursts just because I felt unhappy in some way.
 
Plumbing problems. *sigh*

I had the faucet in the master bath dripping, the faucet in Zen's shower dripping, water seeping around the base of the faucet in Zen's bathroom, and the toilet in the half bath running. So. I called the management company, since we rent. They got their contracted plumbing company to set up with me, and they couldn't give us a time window, only a day. So Saturday, Zen and I arranged to be there for the plumber (well, he stayed home all day and I ran some errands, but we put other activities like kinky sex on hold.) The plumber came and he took apart the faucets in the tub and shower, and then he said he had to go get a part. He left, then came back. I said, "Did you get the part?" and he said that they didn't have the part. So he fiddled and tinkered and I kept hearing him getting and dealing with phone calls and finally he told me, "OK I'm done, have a good night!" and I was like..."Did you look at the toilet in the half bath?" because I hadn't even seen him go in there. He said he did not, so he went and fiddled with it and I think he got that fixed. Seems to not be running now. And toilets can be easy...well, to the best of my knowledge they're either fairly easy, or need to be completely replaced. So.

He left, saying in parting that if we still had problems, we'd have to get someone out to replace...the valve? I can't remember clearly. But initially he'd complained about the model of faucets used like they were a pain in the ass and he hated them. *shrug* I'm...sorry??? So he left. And I went to check out the situation. It became clear over the next day that both faucets were not only still leaking, but actually leaking worse now, and I don't think he even looked at the sink. So one issue in four...not optimal.

I called the management company yesterday, told them what happened. Hate to do it, as I did have a nice bit of conversation with the guy (who in fact attends Voodoo as a swinger) but still man the work was not done! So I get a call from the office lady at the plumber's and she says she can have the dude come out if I'm available (I'm not) this morning, as his next job of the day, and "assess the situation." I was like look lady...he should have already assessed the situation, he took it all apart and put it back together again. You should be able to find out just by calling him, what needs done and whether it is beyond the scope of what he CAN do, and if the needed parts are in hand, by calling and talking to him. Not having him pay us another visit, without knowing these things. She said she'd call him and get back to me, then, if that was what I wanted.

I feel like I am dealing with idiots here. It's...unpleasant.

Also, I think I need to go on my lunch soon and buy a Sawzall or something like that. I got a Christmas tree from the grocery store display, where they were cheaper than other lots in town, and didn't realize that they wouldn't cut a piece off the bottom...so I tried to punch some holes in the bottom with a screw, but that did not work, the tree isn't taking in water. I need this resolved before it dries out. Evidently, grocery store Christmas trees are for people who own saws. You guys figure that a Sawzall (a hand held reciprocating saw) would work on a 4-5" diameter tree trunk? It's not a huge one. And maybe also dowel rods in the future? I've wanted something that would make it easy/possible to cut dowel rods to size, so I can start trying to make floggers (handles)...this, I think, might be just the thing. I'm going to Home Depot on my lunch, they will help me. I don't want a damn chainsaw, just something electrical that is not horribly expensive and will do the job. As small as will work. But not a hand tool...a power tool... Yeah. So. That.
 
Spork said:
...So I'm thinking this morning about something Reverie reminded me of in her blog that Zen and I discussed recently. The human handling of feelings/emotions - thoughts - words - actions. Zen was saying that while one's control of feelings/emotions (he talked about those as though different concepts, and I might need to ask him what he considers the difference to be, as they're pretty much synonyms in my vocabulary)...control of them might be imperfect, but we can control them BY working to control our thoughts.

For me, it isn't so much a matter of trying to control my feelings. It's more like a process. An emotional state bubbles up like something raw out of nature. Chaotic, probably triggered by something more concrete, but mostly abstract in its form. Then I have the big machinery of my brain engine, using my thoughts to process that raw material into something that makes sense. And after the thought-machine chews on it a while, then I can bring forth what is hopefully a controlled and rational response in my physical real-world manifestation of words or actions...
Click to expand...

I went to a workshop years ago that really re-organized how I think (and feel!) about feelings and emotions. The workshop was about Possibility Management (which is a dumb name for a really useful conception of humanity and personal, social and community growth). I learned a lot from it but the main one was a framing of feelings vs. emotions.

PM conceptualizes feelings and emotions as different. Feelings move through us, they happen to us in our body and minds. Feelings are like water - they flow through us and then out. We move from feeling to feeling most of the time, from sad to upbeat to frustrated to thrilled, etc.

Emotions are feelings that have gotten 'stuck' in us. Emotions are feelings we dwell on, think about, and generally experience over and over, like a loop. When a feeling becomes an emotion - as in we are stuck in that loop, it generally means we have something to process, to figure out internally. PM has many ideas and tools on how to process emotions so they 'unstick' and return to feelings.

I found this idea just groundbreaking for me. Feeling feelings is our normal state of being. It is when feelings get stuck that something is up for us personally that we can focus on and begin to understand. It's really helped me figure out when I am triggered and what long term stuff I have to deal with.

I didn't always realize my triggers. If I am triggered, I know by 1) the intensity of my reaction is all out of proportion to what is actually going on and 2) I replay that loop over and over and just stay *there*. Now I have this idea of the difference between feelings and emotions, I can begin to categorize what I am experiencing, as a feeling or an emotion, and go from there.

I'm also interested in what Zen has to say about the difference between the two! Fascinating stuff, as far as I'm concerned.
 
Yeah, I hope that Zen and I can have some philosophical conversations about this soon. Unfortunately though, pressing matters have overtaken us, or at least me and peripherally him, that the ideas will have to be set by to simmer for a time.

I did, yesterday, go happily down to the hardware store, Harbor Freight, with a coupon in hand and bought myself an inexpensive reciprocating saw. Yay, me! Then as I arrived back at work, I got a phone call from Q's school counselor. He had been "assessed" as being "high risk" and I had to go get him, or they'd be sending him somewhere for "further evaluation."

So we've had this issue where Q will be sort of generally quiet for a while but then sometimes, usually if he wants something and I don't snap to it and get him whatever it is promptly, or if I try to (verbally) correct his behavior in some way, he blows up and threatens suicide. Given that a.) When I was a teenager, I only ever threatened suicide to manipulate my parents, and never with any actual intent, and b.) His father spent months threatening suicide to demand my undivided and extensive attention whenever he felt he needed it...coupled with the timing of most of these incidents... I did not take him THAT seriously. I felt he was being manipulative with this. And I felt if I responded as he wanted me to, by crossing off all of my social and personal time off and devoting all my care, concern, time and attention to him, that's exactly what he wants. It's reinforcing bad behavior. Or something. But at the same time, I didn't want to let him think I didn't care if he lived or died of course. I have struggled to figure out how to handle him, and this.

So yesterday he told his school counselors that he thought about ending his life, every night. And I had to go, and take him to a mental health center and have him assessed. I was quiet, as we left, and had to reassure him that I was not mad at him, just thinking. My thinking was...my initial reaction is to be angry because he has such a good life but he's still doing this. He's got all of his needs met. No one is screaming at him or hitting him or threatening him. He gets whatever he wants, if not immediately, then soon after. I spend time with him. He's in a good school, which I structured my whole move to be in the zone for, and has friends. I work full time at this job to pay for him to have a good life. And it's worthless, useless to him. He doesn't have to do chores, and he's failing at school, he does what he wants and demands everything. He's so entitled. Appreciates nothing. My second train of thought was to reflect on what I said earlier about my own adolescence and how his father treated me.

And all of that is wrong.

I know enough about mental health to know that depression is not about having enough problems to justify it, about some contest as to who has a bad life or a good life. You can have good circumstances and still feel depressed.

And I know that projecting my own crap (whether my manipulative teenage behavior, or my refusal to be jerked around by my ex's manipulative behavior) onto my son's experience...it's not right. It's bullshit.

With that, every frame of reference I have to understand what he is doing, was blown away like matchsticks in a hurricane. So I had no idea what to say. I took him down to the place, which is a sort of intake and evaluation clinic. They will take people in for a few days, but mostly their role is one of evaluation, not ongoing therapy. But there were some people there who had more visible signs of mental disturbance. Nothing too severe, but definitely not acting quite normal, a couple of them. Q started to say he didn't want to be there, he wasn't like them, he wasn't crazy.

Well. I pointed out, depression is a form of mental illness. And that is why we were there. A woman asked him a bunch of questions, really grilling him to find out if he was an imminent danger to himself, and concluded that he didn't need to be taken in and could be released to go home. I am now tasked with finding a therapist to give him the ongoing help he needs, which is...too fucking hard. I don't mean too hard to do. Just far too difficult compared to what it should be. When I sought one here for myself, I had some turn me away because they weren't taking any new patients, and others where I left voicemails that were never returned, or sent desperate emails that were never responded to. I concluded that the universe was denying me help, and I gave up. Well now it's my kid and I can't give up, so if I have to call every single one on the list that works with my insurance, I guess that's what I'll have to do. I don't know why this is so difficult.

So I will put the boy first for a while, which I guess might mean dialing back...hopefully not eliminating...my engagement with the kink community. I don't know if the boy wants or expects me to not ever go out, or spend any time in privacy with Zen, since he complains to his Dad that I am "never" available. This is not true, of course, but each instance that I'm not is counted, and each instance that I am, isn't. Here we come back to the notion that selfishness in a woman, and especially in a mother, is monstrous. Unforgivable. I feel like what I am expected to give to others, like my work and my kids, well it's got to come out of my own hide and time and happiness. And if I were a good person, that's where I'd find my happiness, in being a good servitor of the needs of others. It was ok when I was giving Old Wolf my time, too, since it gave nothing back to me.

I feel like as soon as I reach for what brings me joy, someone like my ex or my kid smacks it out of my hand. It's why I can't wait for my sons to grow up and leave. I hope that maybe then I can do things for myself without feeling judged about it, or like in feeding myself I can only be doing so by taking nourishment from the mouths of my kids.

I probably should have never had children. I don't think I was cut out for this. But I've got to try and push through and believe in light on the other side of it all.

Oh yeah. On the bright side? The saw worked well, and I was able to get the bottom of my tree cut last night and I put the lights on it, and it looks really nice. I have lights that fade in and out randomly, and it's really relaxing to watch.
 
Spork said:
Evidently, grocery store Christmas trees are for people who own saws. You guys figure that a Sawzall (a hand held reciprocating saw) would work on a 4-5" diameter tree trunk? It's not a huge one. And maybe also dowel rods in the future?
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It may be too late for this, but yes it would work for the tree though you might have to make multiple cuts. I'd recommend blades with larger teeth. It will work for the dowels too however they tend to have a lot of chatter when cutting small loose things which often leaves a very rough cut. A clamp or small hobby vise would help a lot with that.
 
Refusnik said:
It may be too late for this, but yes it would work for the tree though you might have to make multiple cuts. I'd recommend blades with larger teeth. It will work for the dowels too however they tend to have a lot of chatter when cutting small loose things which often leaves a very rough cut. A clamp or small hobby vise would help a lot with that.
Click to expand...

Thanks, yeah I got a cheap reciprocating saw and got the job done with the tree, took about 2" off the bottom last night. It about shook my arm out of socket and my hand is still a bit sore actually (I don't have work gloves) but it worked. I can completely understand what you mean about "chatter" and I'm sure I'll need to clamp down anything smaller that I want to cut.

It's funny almost, how I took for granted in school how we had access to shop tools, and I wish I now had the ability to use them freely, though then of course we had to work on the projects they wanted us to do. I'd love to have a workshop with lots of lovely power tools one day, and the time to make and build stuff...
 
Reverie said:
Sorry you and your son are having such a rough time. I hope it gets better soon. ❤️
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Thank you, Reverie. I hope so, too. 1.8 years until he's 18...2.45 until he is to finish high school... One foot in front of the other, one day follows the last.
 
I decided first to try one of those clustered offices that had multiple doctors involved, seeking therapy for my kid. Just got a call back. The one psychiatrist, is booked until February. One of the counselors is booked until January, and another one has her own phone number (I called, yep of course, voicemail) for booking appointments. I have to drop off a 13 page heap of paperwork and a copy of my insurance card before they'll even schedule him.

This is the kind of thing that upsets me. If a person is having a mental health crisis, they've got to wage this whole uphill battle to even get seen. Of course the recording says, "if this is an emergency, hang up and call 9-1-1." Right! Sure! So the cops can show up and shoot my kid before he can harm himself, that makes great sense. Or better yet, I could take him to the ER and we could sit there for like 8-10 hours straight, and get a "referral" to "follow up" with an actual therapist...which is what we are trying to do now.

Our fine American health care system at work, right here, folks. It infuriates me that when anyone mentions socialized medicine to a conservative, they carry on about the quality of care and wait lists...I'm betting that the mess we have now isn't better than what most civilized nations have in terms of ability to access needed care.

I want to move to Canada, except I hate winter and being cold. :mad:
 
It is not for me to say if you should or should not have had children. However, I do see parents all the time who are far less suited, and you seem to be doing well under the circumstances.

I know for a fact that getting decent mental health services in this country is a huge pain in the ass. I'm lucky I found a very good psychiatrist.

Maybe when your boys are grown and on their own, you can find more joy in interacting with them. I don't know. I know that my relationship with my 24-year-old son has changed drastically since he has gone out on his own. He is a very troubled individual, and has been since early adolescence. There were so many nights when I just felt like a had a huge weight on my chest, and I couldn't breathe properly with worrying about what he was going to do next.

Now, when I find out my son has done something stupid, I do agonize over it in a way, and sometimes try to help, but I know that I am NOT fundamentally responsible for his behavior anymore. He is in control of his own actions. It really does make a difference. As much as I love him, living with him during his teenage years really took a toll on me and our entire family.

Hang in there.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
It is not for me to say if you should or should not have had children. However, I do see parents all the time who are far less suited, and you seem to be doing well under the circumstances.

I know for a fact that getting decent mental health services in this country is a huge pain in the ass. I'm lucky I found a very good psychiatrist.

Maybe when your boys are grown and on their own, you can find more joy in interacting with them. I don't know. I know that my relationship with my 24-year-old son has changed drastically since he has gone out on his own. He is a very troubled individual, and has been since early adolescence. There were so many nights when I just felt like a had a huge weight on my chest, and I couldn't breathe properly with worrying about what he was going to do next.

Now, when I find out my son has done something stupid, I do agonize over it in a way, and sometimes try to help, but I know that I am NOT fundamentally responsible for his behavior anymore. He is in control of his own actions. It really does make a difference. As much as I love him, living with him during his teenage years really took a toll on me and our entire family.

Hang in there.
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Thanks.

I've talked to some people about how I keep a spreadsheet (though I'm kinda spreadsheet-obsessed anyhow and I have one for practically everything in my life) where I plug in, every day, the current date, and I have a series of rows with different events like the dates that the boys start and end each school year, and their birthdays. And it automatically cascades down the formulas and shows me how many days, weeks, months, years, until each thing happens, when I plug in today's date.

It's a countdown clock of sorts. But I can put anything in there.

And so if I say, "2.45 years until Q graduates" that's where that comes from.

But in a way, it's to remind myself of something I often remind HIM of, which is that hard times are temporary. They'll pass. Things will change. Life will go on. New problems will replace the old, but whatever I'm dealing with now, I won't be dealing with forever.

It's especially pertinent when things are tough like this. When we reach that point, I'll have done, at minimum, my job. Anything beyond that, is cake. It's voluntary. (Which I ought to remind myself of with regard to his older brother, when he frustrates me...I don't have to give Ninja a home but I can't bear to think of turning him out, either.) But it's not just that, though. Like I've told myself all my life that my wage slavery, too afraid to take any entrepreneurial risks or try to do anything besides what I do professionally, that maybe after I don't have two kids depending on me to support them, I can consider other career options.

Lately, that's been contemplation of going into some sort of psychotherapy myself. Hey...at least it looks like it's in demand, if my recent experience is any indication... If I got a receptionist who actually answered phones, I bet I'd be a real hit.

I wonder if there is an actual reason they all go to voicemail. Like maybe if you have a phone person for a counselor's office, the clients try to spill their guts to them or give them a hard time or tie them up on the phones or something, maybe having a human who answers the phone is unworkable in practice for some reason, so they use the VM system to screen calls?
 
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