The story of Spork.

Man. I hate situations like this. I'm not in the best place on a number of fronts, but I don't want to put it on anyone. This is why I haven't been blogging much here lately.

I mean, life is, to be fair, always a mixed bag. And it is in my nature to try really hard to focus on the positive things, and there are positive things.

I love Zen, and Zen loves me. I am happy about that, always. If I sometimes fret that I might be boring or disappointing him as a partner...I am better than no partner at all, I still think, and he's grateful to have me. I am still over the moon for him and every moment I have with him makes me feel wonderful.

So that is good.

Ninja, I think is doing well with Job Corps. As far as I know. I sent him a funny "multiple choice, circle your answer and send it back" letter, and a bunch of stationary so he might write to people. He finally used his debit card (I watch his accounts, to make sure they are in order, and transfer in an allowance every Friday, but until recently there had been no activity on his end.) He went to a movie theater in Anaconda, MT. So that's neat, he's getting to do fun things now and then at least. He is alive and kicking.

So that's good.

Q got his learner's permit in the mail and now I can start taking him to parking lots to start learning to drive. And I took him yesterday to the bank to open his first bank accounts. He had questions about banking, credit cards, and mortgages and seemed very interested in the things I had to say. So we might be able to talk about that stuff without him huffing and puffing and rolling his eyes and not wanting anything to do with me, at some point. I've helped him put in applications for some jobs, but no interview calls have happened yet. I'm not shocked, this would be his first effort to get a job, he's got nothing for history or qualifications to put on an app really...but I did order him a bus pass, and when that arrives he can apply further afield a bit.

So that's good.

I've been trusted and honored with new levels of responsibility within the club. I've had a real change of heart (and I felt it might happen) with my confidence levels for handling stuff when I'm there, and I've decided to go ahead and get the dungeon monitor training. Part of this is noticing a number of things that could be better there, and feeling heard when I speak to other people in positions of trust and authority there, about changes that can be made. I'm feeling maybe I can handle this after all.

So that's good.

What could be better...

The main one, is the ex. He is all stirred up again, because the Pirate showed back up here in town, and reestablished contact with him, as I had a feeling he would. This little weasel, he'll be trying to establish a base of support and friends who can offer him the resources he needs. His means with regard to Old Wolf has been to approach him with confessions and claims that "Yes, I slept with your wife, but it was all her fault, you should know, we both lied to you but EVIL WIMMIN AM I RIGHT?" This feeds directly into Wolf's narrative about how much he's been wronged. If Pirate can finagle it so that he and Wolf are all "He Man Woman Haters" united, by throwing me under the bus, then he can get back in Wolf's good graces, and that only furthers his ability to use not only Wolf but the friends in Wolf's social circle. I told Wolf I wanted nothing to do with Pirate, that anything and everything that happened is 100% in the past and I don't care to rehash any of it. I don't trust Pirate, he's sketchy, and I'm over it. All of it.

Wolf keeps sending me texts trying to demand answers on this or that point, and I'm refusing to play along. I won't be building any kind of a case in my own defense, I don't give a damn what Pirate says about me or what Wolf believes of me. I'm not interested in his judgments. He is angry that "there's no justice" and that he has suffered so much and I stubbornly refuse to suffer, too. He wants me to confess, I guess, to being manipulative and dishonest, and he wants to see my life crumble into ruins around me and for me to suffer all the pain and agony he has suffered, so he can feel there is some fairness in the universe. But that's just not how any of this works, and there's no getting through to him about that.

Because if you look, objectively, at the things that happened external to ourselves...bad things happened to Wolf, and bad things happened to me. Wolf took hold of the bad, and smashed and kicked and punished himself and wallowed and suffered. So he could declare to everyone, "Look! I am clearly the victim here, because see how unhappy I am! When will life stop hurting me and punishing me?" I on the other hand, sat back and took stock, viewed it all as some pretty nasty setbacks but not insurmountable, and immediately put my efforts into rebuilding a new life. As I said, I stubbornly have refused to suffer. Even though there were certainly things that happened, that it really sucked to have experienced. But in Wolf's eyes, my lack of suffering means that nothing bad happened to me, and bad things should happen to me, so that I'll suffer like he has. But no matter what happens to me, I WON'T suffer like he has, because I just don't do that. As I ended my last text to him, "Sorry, dude, that's not my trip."

It's frustrating. I worry a little that his refusal to put the past behind him and move on, coupled with the fact that it's harder for him because no woman wants him (when he's had a female prospect on the line, it consumes his attention and distracts him...when any connection he's working on flails out, as it always does, he goes right back to obsessing about our divorce)... I worry some, that ultimately he may decide that if the universe has failed him, in delivering the "justice" he believes I deserve, then it's up to him to try and put some on my plate. I feel pretty confident he probably fantasizes about doing me harm.

It kind of makes my thinking of going to Phoenix when the kids are grown...well, it's a good idea I guess, for that reason along with the other reasons. Put some distance between us.

So dealing with the ex's shit...not so good.

And yesterday there was some stress when my boss made a last minute request in the morning to get together with Zen at the warehouse, with regard to a job opportunity. Zen got to wake up early and be sleep deprived, and wasn't feeling physically good, and then saw that some of the physical demands of the job don't look all that safe for him to undertake. I had been concerned about that, but what I'd heard seemed like it could be ok (lots of work sitting at a computer)... Zen has also applied, and interviewed for, another job here that would be better, but the whole thing yesterday... I waited up for Zen to get home from work after 11pm, because I was feeling like maybe suggesting he apply for the warehouse job had been a mistake on my part, and the whole "wake & scramble" may have made him mad at me. Just to get a few smooches and an "I love you" before bed helped me be able to sleep.

But that...that situation could be better. I can only hope that the other job that is a better fit, gets offered to him. I don't like the idea of him risking his safety. And I feel like I ruined his day yesterday, though I think he knows that my heart was in the right place.

I'm still struggling a little, despite my feelings of confidence, in juggling all of the chainsaws where my club responsibilities are concerned, but I'm hopeful that could get better soon.

Mostly it's the ex, as usual, when I lay it all out...and I'm sure he'd be thrilled to know that he's stressing me out. I do not mean to give him the satisfaction.

But I had an opportunity to go be social last night, and I didn't, because I felt like I didn't want to show up and bitch about any of this stuff. And besides, Jersey Guy was gonna be there and not a lot of other people I am good friends with from what I saw on the fetlife RSVPs. So I didn't go. There is another thing tonight, and I think I might want to go, but I don't know if I will. There's a good chance that Zen won't want to. And again, I don't want to unload a bunch of bummer talk about my ex on people. Also, I don't drink, and the food at this place doesn't have really good reviews. I'm not sure what I'd do there besides getting some people-time in...but it would be valuable people time, especially given the role I'm trying to have with the club. Other leadership will be there. So I just don't know. Maybe I'll simply ask Zen if he feels more like having some time with me, or some introvert downtime to process and relax on his own, or if he actually wants to go out (which I kinda doubt.)
 
Well. I just took my lunch, and I smoked cigs and talked to the ex on the phone, rather than eating, and I think that was a mistake because I have a headache and my blood sugar is a mess right now.

But, the air is maybe a little clearer. He's not as upset as I thought, from his texts. He's just trying to process things. He actually accepted what I said, when I told him that I did not want to hash details about things that happened the year of our breakup, or build a case, or any of that. I admitted that I have never told him the entire truth about everything that went down with Pirate, and there's a good chance I never will. Because a.) It's humiliating, I let myself be used, conned, and I'm not proud of it, and I have no desire to let my ass hang out in the breeze to him thankyouverymuch, and b.) I have worked very hard to get out of the mindset I had during our marriage, which was that I was answerable to him and had things to prove. So my immediate reaction is, you are not my judge and I am not in court, and I don't need to make my case or tell my side or any such. It's over, we are over, there is nothing to gain from this exercise besides participation in drama. I told him, I don't care if he doesn't trust me, or believe I deserve to be trusted, I'm not invested in his opinion, with one main exception. He should trust me with regard to the kids, and if Q says "There's no food in the house" he should trust that means we are out of Doritos, not that I'm starving our son. And he knows the boy, and me, enough to do that.

He said that helped him to understand things, and that was enough, he just wanted to talk.

Thing is, he is right in that Pirate and I both lied to him. He asked us if we'd slept together at the GWARBQ and we'd told him we didn't. That was a lie. It happened well after we were broken up and I'd already been sleeping with other people he DID know about, but it was still a lie. But this goes to my belief that most people, maybe everyone, tells lies sometimes. The more interesting part to my thinking is WHY they do it. And Wolf doesn't make it easy to tell the truth to. He selectively listens, interrupts constantly and talks over people, and twists things that are said. He remembers conversations where HE made a statement, and I simply sat there and said nothing, as me having said what he actually said. He used to say, "It would have been better for everyone if I'd died in Iraq." I never once said those words to him, but I got tired of arguing it with him, and eventually sat there silently when he said such things. He now claims I said that. I never spoke those words to him in my life. And finally but most significantly, if anyone ever told him something he didn't want to hear, he would blow up and get threatening and violent...so that is hardly an incentive to tell someone hard truths. So we lied to him. It was a lot easier. As opposed to most lies to most normal people, where I believe it creates a rather heavy burden to bear, which usually isn't worth carrying.

I don't feel any remorse for that. I know he thinks I should, but I don't. For him to now call that a betrayal, implies that I owed him some kind of loyalty at that point in the first place, you need to have something there to betray. I'd been beaten down to a point that I just didn't care. And the further I've gotten from him, the more I'm convinced that I should cultivate a "no fucks given" attitude toward him as much as I possibly can; it's healthier for me.

I am a little relieved though, on the front that maybe he does not mean me harm at this point, he just hopes that "karma" will get me, for all he knows about it.
 
I'm sorry Old Wolf continues to plague your life with his bullshit. Man, does he remind me of Pixi's brother. Also a He Man Woman Hater. He however, got arrested in a Walmart parking lot for arguing so violently with his ex gf/partner in front of their 12 year old... He has lost most custody of this 12 year old girl, unless it's supervised. Twice a week for the afternoon. He is an alcoholic so he is wearing an ankle monitor. He's still going to court. He has a restraining order against him from his ex, who has moved out with the daughter. He used to constantly berate and curse at his ex. He also beat her sometimes. A couple Xmases ago he got blind drunk, fell asleep on the couch, woke up and puked all over his daughter's Xmas presents.

He's a jerk, a bastard, but everything is everyone else's fault, all women are cunts. Totally clueless how he brought this on himself. Totally in denial. Sadly, Pixi's parents, also small town patriarchal hillbillies, support him in thinking this is all his ex's fault! We visited them recently, it was sickening. And what makes it worse is, hardly anyone believes how terrible Pixi's family is, because when other people are around, butter wouldn't melt in their mouths. They are full of lies and secrets.

Unlike your ex, my "BIL" can be as pleasant and charming as can be when he wants. So he does have a new gf already, but she's crazy as a loon. I met her when we were there recently, and I can see how he is controlling her already. To his benefit, he is very good looking, short and cute. He is a real Jekyll/Hyde person.

And as far as lying to your ex, of course you can't tell the truth when it's going to be met with anger, jealousy, bullshit, whatever. I had this issue with MY ex husband. He wanted the truth about my (queer poly) sexuality, but if/when I'd share it, I'd be met with suspicion, anger, passive aggressive punishment, judgment, etc.

So, just wanted to say, I'm feeling ya, Spork!
 
Thanks, Mags!

Things have been quiet, better, since the day I talked to the ex on the phone, the last post I wrote.

He likes to criticize others for making or participating in "drama" and I made a pretty strong case that all of this crap he was dealing in right now, that is him making a choice to be involved in drama. I am passing on that. I'm not playing. I'm not interested. By putting it that way, maybe that will plant a seed in his mind that he could in fact be letting all of this go. He just needs to decide to do that, and then keep a disciplined mind about it. If he can't have Pirate around without it all coming back up for him, then maybe don't hang out with Pirate, it'll surely save you from ending up being used in some manner, so it's not a bad choice. But regardless, leave me out of it!

So COOL NEWS!! Ninja finally called me on the phone! I hadn't had a significant chance to really communicate much with him since he left, over a month ago. While I know he's 19 and I need to trust that he's ok, of course I'm a Mom so I'm like, "Are people being nice to him, or mean to him? Is he eating enough? Does he have warm enough clothes? Does he need new shoes? Does he know not to go too close to a moose?"

You know, Mom worries like that.

So he is doing very well in the Middle-of-Nowhere, Montana. He went to a lake recently with some friends and saw his first moose, which he did keep a distance from and he said it was, "frickin huge." He has been able to go into town on weekends and see movies and such at this adorable, quaint little historical theater there. He says the people are cool, and he did make it into his welding program, which has just begun. We're planning to fly him home for a visit in late August. I am SO happy he's doing well. It really sounds like hard work and good clean fun is doing wonders for him.

I'm doing pretty well in my new roles with the club, though I joke that they appear to believe that I am an "adult" and have now given me certain "responsibilities" and I'm not quite sure what to do with all that...but that's a joke, really it's good for me. I feel like I am helping and doing worthwhile things with all that.

I have been occasionally chatting with this man who is dating at age 71, living near LA and he's really pretty cool. He has recently made his first trans friend and is really advocating for treating diverse others with compassion and decency, in a forum that is often full of hateful idiots (though obviously there are many good people there or I wouldn't be hanging out there myself) and anyhow, he's really opening his mind lately to a lot of things he'd never thought much about before. He figured he was entirely vanilla but he was curious to hear about my experiences in kink and poly. Well today I was talking about electricity (violet wand play and such) and he just...."lit up" I guess you could say. He says he loves to play with electricity and has all sorts of home rigged apparatus (which frankly sounded unsafe as hell) in his workshop. LOL! So he bounced happily on over to Amazon and he's buying a violet wand. He's really excited. He said he's got a friend who is in the LA kink scene and he's been thinking about showing up, you know, just to see what it's like. I keep feeling like saying, "Alright, well shoot me a picture when you get your leathers dude."

Oh, but that's not his thing, he is very vanilla, yes. Suuurrre you are. So funny.

And Supernova sent me a video, which he later posted on Facebook, of him putting a Starburst candy into his mouth in its wrapper, and working it a while, then spitting out the candy, and working the wrapper a while, and eventually spitting out a tiny origami crane. I knew, he of course, like guys with the cherry stems, was trying to imply something about "oral skills" but no flirtation attempt of any kind can survive my snark intact. I told him he was like a gumball machine over here, all spitting out candy and prizes, and I wanted to stick a quarter in his ear and twist his nose.
 
Nothing new really. My older kiddo is still doing well, and has been a bit better about calling to communicate. He is coming home for a visit the week of Labor Day. I am teaching my younger son to drive, or at least I've made a start of it. We went to an empty parking lot and did laps. He did quite well. I also made a questionable life choice and got him an early birthday gift yesterday, a new guitar. I was returning a rental viola he no longer needs to use, since he is borrowing his brother's, and there was rental credit. I'd have gotten the most out of that in theory, had I used it on a new viola, but that would have been some $300-odd on a viola that was upwards of $1,000...the alternative was to use a reduced ($100) credit on any other instrument, and they had perfectly good guitars for less than $300. Besides which the violas they had weren't as good as what he's using now. So. I got him a guitar.

I mean, I could have NOT done that and saved the money, but it does actually fit within my budget, as long as I don't spend much more this week on things that aren't necessary. I think it's ok. I just feel a little tense over expenses of significance that aren't strictly necessary. Trying (and succeeding) in making my finances healthier over here.

I considered holding onto the guitar for his birthday in September, but decided to give it to him early to give him something more productive to do with his time than video games. We put in a few job apps for him, but the local fast food businesses have declined to hire him thus far.

I'm getting a better handle on my responsibilities with the club, and otherwise things are pretty normal. Life with Zen continues to be great, though unfortunately my company has not come through with an offer for a better job for him (yet?) Thing is, I'm just not close to anyone in the hiring process, and I really have no idea what kind of competition he's got. It would have been nice, and it was definitely worth a try, though.

The ex hasn't been too tremendous a pain in the backside lately. He continues to talk to Pirate and go back and forth trying to get information out of him and me. Thing was, if I feel sure that he is in control of his mental state and he's not getting all stupid and riled up, I PREFER to tell him the truth. I've told him, if you want the truth instead of placating lies from me, the best way to get it is to make me feel safe to tell you the truth. It really is what I'd rather do anyways, but if I feel endangered, I'll do whatever it takes to get you off my back, and frankly that's pretty much human nature. And if you treat others badly, they won't exactly feel obligated to deal honorably with you either.

So he chewed on that for a while, and later thanked me for it, and he's been making more of an effort to keep himself in check. I've told him everything that is pertinent to what has been bugging him, and continue to remind him to be wary of dealings with Pirate. And he's ok.
 
Oh and I am thinking of a poem, inspired both by a day I had a few weeks ago where Old Wolf was yankin' my chain, and some struggles a friend is dealing with lately (more her than me at this point.)

On a day when the fools were all up in my face
I will visit my own happy, stabbity place.
Slide open my mental silverware drawer
Full of shining and sparkling metaphor
To explore.
Seems I'm all out of spoons, and I've no forks to give
And I'm down to the knives, and that's no way to live.
So take your petty complaints numbered one, two and three
And your dramatic demands on my own energy
Far from me!
I know life is hard and you're only a man
And you may find this difficult to understand
When my spoons are all gone and you're dishing out strife
What I'm defending with my most sharp verbal knife
Is my life.

Actually this is really much more about my friend than about me. But it gave me an excuse to play with words...always entertaining.
 
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My poem was enjoyed by my friend. She is a "spoonie" (or a sufferer of various chronic health conditions) and also has just...people who bring way too much drama to her plate. So. The idea of "I'm out of spoons" also encompassing a state where you're just getting grouchy and upset and all that's left are stabby sharp stuff was fun for her.

And she constantly writes haikus and plays with words, so even interacting with her makes me kinda wanna play around with words too. She makes it look fun.

So anyways.

When I took Q to practice driving, we were on the way home and a cover of the song "Africa" (Toto song, covered by Weezer) came on the radio. Somehow this kid knows every single word and he was singing along. Last I heard, he liked dubstep or hip hop or something, I don't know. I gave up keeping track.

So I mentioned this bizarre fact that I was surprised and delighted and amused by my child singing along to this in the car, and somebody said, "OMG yeah, I'm a DJ and all the teens are obsessed with this song right now." The hell? I googled it. Literally, "why are teenagers obsessed with Africa by Toto?" Reddit said that there was a renewed interest in the song because it was on the Stranger Things soundtrack, and since then it has become a meme. A meme? I thought memes were like...weird captioned foolery that they share all over Facebook? No? No. Evidently the word "meme" was coined in 1976 and means anything that just catches on, maybe ironically, and spreads like wildfire as a cultural reference or whatever.

I...see...

Well my son has informed me that the kids today are ALL about memes. How cool you are, basically revolves around how many weird references you "get."

Good god. Now those of us who had Monty Python's Holy Grail essentially memorized word for word would be cool? Is that what he's saying? I mean...how do you get more meme...memey?...memeish?...than that? No? No, Mom is old and uncool no matter what. Oh...kay... lol

Trying to relate to teenagers is an absolute hoot, swear to god.

I'm this close from burning him a disc full of 80's music, since apparently it's becoming cool again now. Or would that make it less cool because his Mom gave it to him? *sigh* So complicated.

Oh, I need also to start listening to Modest Mouse apparently. I keep hearing it in random places in the world, so I think the Universe is telling me to check it out. I also really need some lunch, but that is neither here nor there.
 
I bless the RAINS down in AAAfricaaaa gonna take some time to do the things we never HAAA-aah-aaave

Oo oo
 
A random thought that I have no idea where else to put, so I'm setting it right here...

I recall being a young person, a child, a teenager... And I would have these moments. I might be riding in the car or sitting in my room or anywhere. Not occupied with any particular thing. Not thinking any particular thought. Yet I was strangely in the moment, staring off into space, reaching within and reaching out in a way I struggle to put into words. Feeling somehow very profound and very emotional, but not any particular emotion I could name and not about any subject in my mind. Trying to translate that... "Right now I am here. Where have I been? Where will I go?" Reaching out to the future but blind to it, like a person of perfect and total calm reaching out in a dark room, open to anything. There was always a small twinge of sadness to it, like the person that I am in this moment, will no longer exist in the next.

It was very nearly a preemptive form of nostalgia.

I can remember with crystal clarity what every single thing felt like in moments like those. A fixed gaze into the middle distance out the car window, recognizing nothing. The feeling of the seat beneath my legs, the air conditioning. My stepmother would say things and they didn't matter because nothing was real, nothing was interpreted. Reaching in. Reaching out.

What is very peculiar, is that when I contemplate those moments now, I really feel as though my consciousness of today is brushing against my consciousness of then. The me of this moment projecting nostalgic feeling to the me of the past moment. The feeling is exactly as profound yet somehow more...exciting. It is as though I can communicate with my past self, not information or words, but a feeling.

It is a very odd notion. I don't believe it, but I'm exploring it.
 
Spork said:
When I took Q to practice driving, we were on the way home and a cover of the song "Africa" (Toto song, covered by Weezer) came on the radio. Somehow this kid knows every single word and he was singing along. [...]

I'm this close from burning him a disc full of 80's music, since apparently it's becoming cool again now. Or would that make it less cool because his Mom gave it to him? *sigh* So complicated.

Oh, I need also to start listening to Modest Mouse apparently. I keep hearing it in random places in the world, so I think the Universe is telling me to check it out. I also really need some lunch, but that is neither here nor there.
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I tend to listen to Alternative radio mostly, so I'm familiar with Modest Mouse - definitely a fun listen, but of course it'll depend on your general taste. I tend to like everything, and I'm beyond thrilled that Weezer's cover of Africa is EVERYWHERE!

Your story reminds me of when I decided to be "annoying, goofy mom" while next to Pokégirl on the couch. I went to YouTube, looked for some of those "smooth" R&B love songs from the early 80s, turned to my daughter, and said, "This one's for you!" as I played "Just the Two of Us".

Well...

She knew every. damned. word.
More of the song than I did.

I asked her where the hell she'd learned that song from, and she turned to me, smiled, and said, "Thank you, Internet!"

I damn near died. Kids these days...

Edited because I forgot to include my actual *point*. If I were to give my kids a CD or play them a song, my M.O. is to go about it as "here comes your mother to try to torture you... mua-ha-haaaaa..." Emphasizing my UN-coolness, I suppose. I've seen them actually open up more that way, as in, "Oh, I know that song," and it can sometimes lead to some fun conversations. YMMV, of course (and I have girls, not boys, so NO idea how different things are on that front), but it's a thought.
 
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I haven't heard the Weezer version of "Africa," but now that song is stuck in my head...

My favorite use/twisting of "Africa" is in Straight No Chaser's "Twelve Days of Christmas," in which a college acapella group completely butchers the traditional Christmas carol in various ways.
 
Spork, that's TOO funny. About a month ago, I heard my 15-year-old stepson play something on his trombone; it caught my ear and sure enough it was "Africa." I asked him, "How do you even KNOW that song?" and he said everyone knew it.

I have found another song that kids seem to inexplicably know; the Journey song "Don't Stop Believing." I have a 12-year-old daughter, and whenever I meet a new friend of hers, they invariably play it on my phone in the car and they wail the hell out of it. I just googled the reason for that, and I couldn't really find one, except an article that millennials know 80's songs.


"Just a small town girl, livin' in a LONELY world. . . "
 
"Don't Stop Believing" featured heavily in the TV show Glee, mostly in the first season and the final episode or two of the series, though I think it showed up during other seasons as well. Even though Glee's been off the air a while now, I think the song is familiar to kids and teens at least in part because of the show.
 
Well, my kids should have some background programming for 80's music, though I never played that song (Africa) specifically, I played a ton of Talking Heads, and fun little selections like "Down Under" and "The Safety Dance" a lot as they were growing up. It's like how my parents listened to a great deal of classic rock, so I absorbed Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Skynard, Creedence, The Doors, and tons of others while growing up, and while I don't listen to it often these days, I still enjoy quite a bit and have many CDs. I could listen to Jefferson Airplane all day.

Actually, not long ago I was in HuHot Mongolian Grill having dinner with my son, and they had on some paid subscribed classic rock radio music, and I was marveling at how they played this extended live version of "The End" by The Doors, and there is a part in that song, the Oedipus bit where he says, "Father...I want to kill you...Mother...I want to..." and while he is sort of screaming incoherently, the lyric is "fuck you" and anyone who knows the song knows that very well. They didn't even censor it at all. When I was a teenager obsessed with The Doors in ways that only a 13 year old girl can be, I would play a CD with that on it, and if normal people were around I'd really get very tense and nervous when the naughty part came up, like "is it ok to be playing that here? Will people be upset or shocked?" I guess I found it slightly shocking at the time. Of course, my musical tastes got into way more scandalous territory within a couple years of that, but I was always aware of who else was around, and didn't push the envelope with those who would be freaked out about it. So there I was at HuHot, families everywhere, and Jim screeching and wailing about how he wanted to fuck his Mother. Surreal, man.
 
Spork said:
I bless the RAINS down in AAAfricaaaa gonna take some time to do the things we never HAAA-aah-aaave

Oo oo
Click to expand...

Love that song!
 
Spork said:
... So there I was at HuHot, families everywhere, and Jim screeching and wailing about how he wanted to fuck his Mother. Surreal, man.
Click to expand...

This is what the REVOLUTION looks like, man! We won! Donald Trump notwithstanding. :)
 
Another thing that's a little wild about The Doors and Jim Morrison, is that there was this woman, Patricia Kennealy, who (if you've seen the film) was the witchy brunette he married in a pagan ceremony in that really badass industrial loft apartment. Well, the actual woman had a cameo as the Priestess who performed the ceremony, and she is an author and wrote a really cool book about Jim. They did in fact get married. The movie did not however, according to her, portray it realistically that he later blew it off like the marriage wasn't really a big deal and didn't matter (she says he NEVER did that) and the abortion she had was in large part her own decision. The later scene just wasn't how it was, and she was furious about it. She also blames Pam for getting Jim into heroin and thinks that she was the cause of his death. But anyhow.

She's still around, by the by, and I am friends with her on Facebook. Lovely woman. The way she is portrayed (Kathleen Quinlan) in the movie, so stunning and as a young teen I wished I could grow up and be just like her, and have an apartment as cool as she had. However, I have seen photos of the actual Patricia as a younger woman...this one looks a WHOLE LOT like how I looked when I was a teenager actually:

http://www.doorscollectors.com/forum/patricia_kennealy_jim.jpg

...which kinda makes me feel a little bit strangely affectionate toward her as though to think that had I been alive and in the right places and times, I could have been Jim Morrison's type. :cool: When I was 13 or so, the notion delighted me. Now I think about everything I know of the man, and just like my much loved late Dave Brockie of GWAR fame, I'm like "let's get real here, some people are just too chaotic and messy and dramatic for you to even want to deal with, and Jim Morrison would have definitely been one such. He might have wanted you, but you wouldn't have really wanted him." It's true. But I didn't think that way at 13.

An odd thing happened yesterday. I was heading home from a discussion group at Voodoo, and a young man was standing in the street, waving at me as I approached in my van. I stopped and rolled down my window...definitely a little unsure, because I didn't want an altercation with any sort of violent person on who knows what drugs or whatever...but he was a young dude, and he just looked like he was having a bad time. Sad, pained, my feeling was "Well I have no money and he's not getting in my car, but maybe I can help." He said that he did not feel he should be out of a mental hospital, and asked if I could please call him an ambulance or something. That he was having a mental breakdown and wanted to go to an asylum. Hm, well I kept my tones kind and soothing and called 911 for him. He just stood there...he didn't look scary, more like despairing. An ambulance showed up pretty fast and the EMTs took it from there. He said he was 22 years old. Poor kid. I hope he finds his way.

Honestly he may have been suicidal and my intervention may have kept him in this world a little longer. Or he might have just been freaking out a little at the effects of too many edibles. I know I've had moments on strong pot where I felt that "OMG I'm not sure if I'm OK right now!" feeling and they say that edibles are easy to overdo, because they take a bit of time to kick in. I have no clue. But it was a strange encounter.
 
We had some Nimbus cat drama at home the other night. A neighborhood outdoor cat paid us a visit on the patio, outside the sliding door, and he and Nimbus were having an angry kitteh showdown with all sorts of growling and hissing and attacking at the glass like they wanted to kill each other.

Nimbus got so upset he had an asthma attack. I had to shoo him away from the window and get him to calm down. I was like, "Just ignore that naughty outside cat, he'll go away" and Nimbus was like, "But...but I'm not sure that he's gone away and I need to go look, he might come back, and he is menacing my territory and stuff...Mommm lemme go..." Poor upset kitty cats. The interloper eventually wandered off when it started to rain.

I'm feeling all functional lately, getting stuff done and preparing for the Thunder in the Mountains kink convention this weekend. My third time going. I'm pretty excited about that. It's a little weird though. I get this odd sense that Zen and I both kind of want to spice up our experience some, maybe at Thunder particularly, and maybe in the scene in general. For me this looks like contemplation of other kink genres and thinking about buying new stuff. But I had to slam on the brakes and not spend what I was considering spending (I was thinking of getting a bunch of special candles for wax play) because Old Wolf lost his job and might not be able to send the support I had in my budget...and I can adjust, but not if I spend too much money, too heedlessly. And I do want to have some available to spend at the convention itself. So I didn't get the candles. For now. I'm also not really 100% comfortable with topping for fire at Thunder because there are some heckin skilled fire tops there and I am such a total noob. I want to get more practice in at the club for a while.

So my thought process is...new kinks?

Zen's thought process is more...new partners? And I just don't know how I feel about all that, so I haven't given it a ton of thought. He's of the opinion that as a couple we stand a better chance of getting another woman interested in playing with us. I guess part of my confusion is...he wants to be a service top, but I have this feeling he's only really trying to play with women he finds attractive. If it isn't sexual play, it's more service topping (and very specifically for impact play) then should that matter? And on that note, I have a hell of a time even getting women that I have crushes on, even the ones I know also are into me, to escalate past friendship and into anything else. Like we just flirt and then kind of drift apart and lose interest, and I just find it more tricky and fiddly and difficult to get women engaged sexually than men. Men are easy usually. Men MAKE it easy usually. But Zen doesn't want to play with other men, nor want me to play with other men. So I'm not sure how much help I can be. And as hard as it is to get something going on if it's just 1+1 me and some other woman, finding a woman that both he and I find attractive, who is also attracted to both him and to me...agh, too many moving parts! I start feeling like there is pressure, and I can't control what some other woman wants to do, and then there's the fact that this other woman only even exists in the hypothetical and I don't like bookmarking that imaginary space for someone who is only a theory and my god this is why unicorn hunting thing is just a whole bunch of fuckery even on the most casual of levels.

Poly people know this. It's why the conventional wisdom in poly circles is to date separately. Being in a couple...it doesn't help.

However, should we come across any interested and interesting parties at Thunder, I am in theory down to play. That's been the best I could offer. I would say that I give very positive commentary about Zen's skills as a partner at every level from play on up, too...but I'm a bit biased, being in love with the man and all.

I think that one thing that holds Zen back a bit from finding additional play partners for party play, is that he is pretty much only into impact. And impact play is rather common. It's also the kind of play that is often done with couples, as opposed to casual pickup scenes...unless you're the kind of Top who is damn near famous in the community (like the club owner) or you're willing to play very indiscriminately and you're not just looking for the hottest commodity in terms of young ladies. Let's face it. Hot young ladies can find anybody to play with. They'll play with relationship partners or with well known persons of interest or with their friends. A lot of that also ties into trust, who they are willing to extend trust to. I used to get told how "brave" I was by tons of the submissive types because I'd bottom for someone I just met, even if it was at the club where there are DMs and such. Now if you get into topping for kink genres that are less common, like wax or fire or *shudder* needles or something...then you can get more variety partner-wise. The skills are in demand.

People love watching scenes that Zen and I do, but I think a lot of that is that because we are a couple and we love one another, there is a certain "energy" to it (to use the word everyone uses) that isn't quite what people do in pick-up play. I think?

Anyhow I mean...I've had people interested in bottoming for me, but generally for fire (even though I'm still a noob at it!) not impact. Not a lot of people do fire. I think there is an interest in helping me develop my skills as well as people just thinking it's neat.

*sigh* So anyhow, it is complicated...sort of...and I don't know. Or rather, if my brain gets spinning about it, it FEELS complicated, so I just stop thinking about the whole thing. The easiest thing for me has been to just chill and go along and not worry too much about what can or can't, will or won't happen, nor stress about feeling I need to work to make it happen. I will personally be quite happy to just enjoy the convention--play with Zen, buy some fun stuff and go to some cool classes. Beyond that, what will be, will be, I figure. :cool:
 
Struggling with a little bit of moodiness.

I decided yesterday to go clothes shopping. Seemed like a happy, fun thing to do, in getting ready for the convention and such. I didn't spend a lot, and got some cool things (though nothing spectacular) and definitely everything I bought was a bargain. So that is nice.

But damn I felt old though. First I went to Hot Topic. I didn't find a lot that I liked, but I took advantage of a buy-one-get-one on shirts. There was a top I really liked, a tight little black near-corset of a thing, but the only one they had left was a Large which I could not wear. Bummer. The gal working there was very young. I mentioned that I didn't shop there often anymore, I was more the 90's demographic...she gave a humorless, almost nervous chuckle and said "Yeah, things have changed a bit since then."

Then I went to a favorite secondhand shop, and they had three very young ladies working there, they were like teenagers I think. They kept popping up everywhere I was, turn a corner and there she is again, "Ma'am? Ma'am? Can I help you find anything Ma'am?" *sigh* I'd already said I would know it when I saw it and just wanted to look around, thanks. Zen said she probably suspected me of shoplifting. Wonderful, really? But I have never liked "Ma'am" although I understand it's the retail-default address for a woman, and what else are they going to say? It sounds...matronly. And also phonetically like something a sheep or goat might say, a sort of weird bleating sound. It annoys me. At one point the gal says "Ma'am? I'm not sure if you would be interested, but we have a 90's special section up front right now!" I mumbled something about how it depends on what kind of 90's stuff, since I was a gothy teenager in the 90's and she said, "Heh, I was born in the 90's." Well of course you were, you perky little infant. Get out of here before I bite you. Grr... So I look, and they had all the classic rock t-shirts up there (Iron Maiden? Really?) and some weird bodysuits. Lots of weird bodysuits. They seem to have put every garment with snaps in the crotch up there. Do I look like someone who needs a wedgie? Forget it.

I tried on my stuff. That was a whole other kind of trauma. Bad florescent lighting, I'm standing there feeling pasty, droopy, mushy, and generally past my prime, with frizzy hair and bad skin to boot. But some of the clothes were ok. The girlchild ringing me up was all "Oh, this is cuute..." multiple times. Yes. Very cute, too cute for my old ass? Should I give up and get bad polyester slacks and floral prints now? Just shut up and take my money, I need to go.

So as clothes shopping experiences went, I did not really get what I had hoped to get out of it. I spent the rest of the evening trying to get past feeling...ugly. Did get some time in with Zen watching Farscape and snuggling. He asked me how he could make me feel better, but I couldn't think of a way to tell him that I was not feeling very desirable and wanted some validation along those lines, without sounding utterly pathetic...there just isn't a good way to ask someone to tell you what you want to hear, anyways. Especially when you know damn well what pretty really looks like.

Funny segue. I was remembering recently, when I was a little girl and I decided I had a crush on Bowie in his role in Labyrinth as the Goblin King. Pretty sure I've talked about this before here, I don't think it was the bulge in his tights, I think it was the aura of power and...well, it's kind of a Dominance thing isn't it? There is even a scene where I've now realized the prop he's got is a fancy handled riding crop. But whatever was going on in my brain, I just knew as a girl of the 80's that I liked him. I also remember what my mother had to say about that. She told me that "men like him only like beautiful models, women with blonde hair and blue eyes." Boy did she start me early on the road to believing deep down I wasn't good enough. And I also got to watch her desperately attempt to BE a blonde, bleaching and dying her hair until it turned into dried, fried often bad yellowish straw. Because to her, that's what being beautiful meant, being a blonde woman. Later I learned that redheads are a fetish that many men have. So they are exciting and rare, blondes are beautiful and desirable treasures, and brunettes remain the shit-brown crap we are I guess, the most common, nothing special there. Thanks for getting me started there, Mom.

My Dad brought home photos from his time in the Navy, posing with exotic looking women from Hawaii. Black hair, very sleek, as a child I thought they were more beautiful than blondes. But I wasn't that, either.

Sometimes I wonder how my life might have gone if I'd believed, back when I was young and actually as desirable as I'd ever be, that I was worth something.

Now I think, a lot of this stuff makes it a struggle to have meaningful connections with people. My family is all at a distance. Most people who were ever close to me have drifted away or faded out. The superficial connections thrive easily enough. I have Zen, and despite seeing love on his face when he looks at me, sometimes fear and doubt get a hold of me still.

Am I pretty enough for him to be happy with me?
Am I not pretty enough to be satisfying for him, or would he be more satisfied with a prettier woman?
I don't always have things to say...am I boring? Or I say something and either worry if it was petty or trite, or the other end, pretentious or pedantic?
Sometimes I worry that while I was honored to meet the bar to be his partner in the first place...as I feel it too often happens, what's "under the hood" is disappointing and he'll stay because maybe it beats being alone, but not be happy with me.

The one time we hashed out my thoughts about the Worm King and I have really done a lot to let that go, it came around to the fact that Zen does fulfill my needs. He does make me happy. There isn't anything I need from other men. I am ok with that, and that's good because he kind of needs me to be ok with that. It hurts him to think that he is "not enough." This isn't on him, this next thing, it's a me thing...but I feel like it's not only that I struggle with my "not enough" feelings, I've been conditioned/expected to just accept and deal with them. A guy can protest and want his woman to want only him. That is not a thing I have ever been entitled to, being "enough" for anyone. It's there echoing through experience after experience. Hell it was the start of my bisexuality, trying to "be cool" and not act jealous when my teenage boyfriend would look at other women. If I did not accept that I wasn't enough for him and he'd be looking at prettier girls all the time, I'd simply lose him altogether. I mean, who did I think I was? Of course that girl turned his head, she was special in some way I wasn't. And they are everywhere, better women. "Enough" isn't a thing I think I've ever really felt. But I don't think I've ever cared about it so much. I know I didn't with my ex, because I didn't really care what he thought. I would have been quite happy to have him off my hands, most of the time, and my thinking was, "You're just lucky I'm still here." My heart was cold to him, so I didn't feel very vulnerable.

Maybe that's the crux of the matter. Vulnerability. It's scary. It's caring what others think, just that even mattering. My best defense was always not caring. When you don't care, you don't wonder if you're good enough for anybody, you just have to be good enough for yourself.
 
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