They mention their other partner but not me

[ilikecatsandstuff]

Hello. I've recently gotten into a poly relationship with a pre-existing couple. I'm actually dating only one of the people in it. The issue is they've been together for 2 years already, and I've only been with her about 2 months. But seeing her mention her other partner and make jokes about how they got together so much, makes me feel so worthless, because we don't have a connection like that. We don't even talk similarly. I feel so intrusive and greedy for wanting more. My heart hurts so much. I don't know what to do. I just want attention, deep down. But I feel like I'll screw everything up. What do I do?

 

[Magdlyn]

I've recently gotten into a poly relationship with a pre-existing couple. I'm actually dating only one of the people in it.

I am guessing you're a man, dating a woman who is also dating another man? You are in a V, and the woman is the "hinge." You and her pre-existing partner are the "legs" of the V.

They've been together for 2 years. I've only been with her about 2 months.

So you feel somehow "less than" because she's been with the other guy longer? You are the new exciting partner. Her excitement with her other guy (their "new relationship energy") is dying down, but this NRE is happening with you and her. Part of NRE is excitement, sexual arousal, but also anxiety. You barely know this woman. You don't know where you stand with her in her life, in her affections. Time will be needed to find out if you're long-term compatible.

But seeing her mention her other partner and make jokes about how they got together so much, makes me feel so worthless, because we don't have a connection like that. We don't even talk similarly. I feel so intrusive and greedy for wanting more. My heart hurts so much. I don't know what to do. I just want attention deep down. But I feel like I'll screw everything up. What do I do, even?

Is this your first time trying to do ethical non-monogamy? Is it hers?

What do you need as far as "attention"? Be more specific. Figure it out and then request it from her.

Do you want more time?
Do you want, not more quantity time, but better quality time?
What would improve the quality? Do you need her to talk less about her OSO? Some new to poly people don't realize they need to think less about themselves as part of a "we/us" and more as just "me/I/myself." Otherwise it can increase a feeling of competitiveness on the part of their partners.
Are you hanging out at her house, hanging out with her OSO? Would you prefer to not be around her other guy? You could have her over to your place, get a hotel, something like that. (There are different kinds of polyamory. There is "kitchen-table poly," where everyone hangs out together, or there is "parallel poly," where you see her other partner never or rarely.)
What else would make you feel more "seen" and secure?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ilikecatsandstuff,

It's common for a couple to want to dual-date a third, whereas you are only dating one of the people in this couple. I'm not saying that's bad on your part, but it is probably one of the reasons why you are getting second-class treatment. You need them to grow a whole new way of looking at poly, one where you are not a "third," but rather a fully equal partner in a V relationship. I don't know if they can do that, let alone whether they are willing. In any case, I don't think you've done anything wrong. You've just run into a couple that adheres to the popular ideas about what poly is.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

P.S. https://polyamory.com/members/ilikecatsandstuff.432666/#about ilikecatsandstuff is female.

 

[Tinwen]

Seconding Kevin, you will need to discuss where this is going, immediately or in due time, depending on how decided you two are to contine the relationship after only two months of dating.
Every new relationship needs some time to get as close as the old one, but you want to know if being fully "equal" is even on the table.

You may want to search for the term couple privilege. Don't use this to get angry, just to get down an important concept that may reassure you in asking what you need.

 

[Kynde]

Make sure you have full rights-- as far as if she decides she doesn't like you, she does not have the power to limit time, access, affection, or can force the end of the relationship.
I have been in this situation twice-- was dating him and friends with his partner, and we tried to make a little family. The best way that worked was to keep bedroom stuff private and not talk about it, ,and if any decisions were being made as far as scheduling and such, we all sat down together to talk about it. You may not be equal as far as the depth of the relationship yet (too new) but you should be equal as far as rights go. Make sure you are able to go on separate dates with him that's just you and him time.