Stevefromtexas
New member
Hello to all,
My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8, and have been strictly mono.
A few years ago, we both "lightly cheated" at right about the same time. No actual sex, supposedly, but it did get physical, and if not found out/caught, would probably have eventually got to sex. I have realized we both must have been missing something for it to be timed so perfect. We decided to try and work it out and continued our marriage. Since then, to sum it up, we have both engaged in flirtatious conversations and maybe even some "more than just a friend emotions" with others, which eventually again had means to get deeper if not found out. We are adults, so we have talked about this, and we both think what it comes down to is that we both enjoy the attention, the feeling of being wanted, and the excitement that comes from a new relationship with someone else.
I do still love her, and I believe she does me, but I can honestly say, while we love each other, we are not "in love." Now, after the fact, and even me admitting to my "friendships" with others, I feel that she did worse, because I never actually met up with any of these women behind her back, and she did meet up with her male friends. Granted, it was always in a group setting. It's not like she met up with him at his house all alone at 3AM. We both like the attention, but I feel she was more disrespectful to me, since she met up, and I was just sending texts.
Fast forward to now. She feels I'm cold and heartless and don't love her the way she wants to be loved. I understand this. My profession is one where you get hardened very quickly, and see the worst in people and the world. I don't doubt that I have a very slight level of PTSD. I try not to let it affect me, but it sometimes does. Very slightly, and nothing even worth mentioning in this conversation, so in a way, I feel I cut her a little slack.
Now I feel that she wants all that "love," but I am only willing to give her so much of myself because I feel she has betrayed me and violated my trust. I know I did too, but I feel she did worse, and the first time she had a "friendship" with one guy was before I did anything, and was still so in love with her, and she had 100% of me.
So, in closing, she wants 100% of me and I'm only willing to give, let's just say, 70%. I know that if I give her 100% I probably wouldn't have to worry about her doing anything, but I just see it as, "You fucked me over, and you want me to give you all of me so that you can be happy after you hurt me."
So we're at this stalemate where we both wonder if we are done. We don't want to be, but something's gotta give. So I looked into staying together but trying other things. We talked about open marriage, but we both think the jealousy and constant wondering would be too much for both of us. Then we said well, open marriage but no sex, just open to "date" others. But we thought what if after multiple dates real feelings started developing for the individual? That would that ruin our relationship. So I pitched the idea of us having a girlfriend. Us as in, we would both have to be on the same page.
Playing devil's advocate, anyone could say, well, why not a boyfriend? But to make it easy, that ain't gonna happen, and she doesn't ask that herself. Not to insult anyone, but we both find it easier to see two women together than two men, non-sexually or sexually.
I honestly feel that I can love more than one person without taking away love from the other. She has listened to me and heard me out, but I think it may just be to entertain my "thought" and not have any intention of following through with it. When I had my "friendships" I found myself more sensitive to her needs because my mindset was in the pleasing process due to my new friend at the time.
Sorry for babbling on. I'm just confused and hoping anyone can help.
My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8, and have been strictly mono.
A few years ago, we both "lightly cheated" at right about the same time. No actual sex, supposedly, but it did get physical, and if not found out/caught, would probably have eventually got to sex. I have realized we both must have been missing something for it to be timed so perfect. We decided to try and work it out and continued our marriage. Since then, to sum it up, we have both engaged in flirtatious conversations and maybe even some "more than just a friend emotions" with others, which eventually again had means to get deeper if not found out. We are adults, so we have talked about this, and we both think what it comes down to is that we both enjoy the attention, the feeling of being wanted, and the excitement that comes from a new relationship with someone else.
I do still love her, and I believe she does me, but I can honestly say, while we love each other, we are not "in love." Now, after the fact, and even me admitting to my "friendships" with others, I feel that she did worse, because I never actually met up with any of these women behind her back, and she did meet up with her male friends. Granted, it was always in a group setting. It's not like she met up with him at his house all alone at 3AM. We both like the attention, but I feel she was more disrespectful to me, since she met up, and I was just sending texts.
Fast forward to now. She feels I'm cold and heartless and don't love her the way she wants to be loved. I understand this. My profession is one where you get hardened very quickly, and see the worst in people and the world. I don't doubt that I have a very slight level of PTSD. I try not to let it affect me, but it sometimes does. Very slightly, and nothing even worth mentioning in this conversation, so in a way, I feel I cut her a little slack.
Now I feel that she wants all that "love," but I am only willing to give her so much of myself because I feel she has betrayed me and violated my trust. I know I did too, but I feel she did worse, and the first time she had a "friendship" with one guy was before I did anything, and was still so in love with her, and she had 100% of me.
So, in closing, she wants 100% of me and I'm only willing to give, let's just say, 70%. I know that if I give her 100% I probably wouldn't have to worry about her doing anything, but I just see it as, "You fucked me over, and you want me to give you all of me so that you can be happy after you hurt me."
So we're at this stalemate where we both wonder if we are done. We don't want to be, but something's gotta give. So I looked into staying together but trying other things. We talked about open marriage, but we both think the jealousy and constant wondering would be too much for both of us. Then we said well, open marriage but no sex, just open to "date" others. But we thought what if after multiple dates real feelings started developing for the individual? That would that ruin our relationship. So I pitched the idea of us having a girlfriend. Us as in, we would both have to be on the same page.
Playing devil's advocate, anyone could say, well, why not a boyfriend? But to make it easy, that ain't gonna happen, and she doesn't ask that herself. Not to insult anyone, but we both find it easier to see two women together than two men, non-sexually or sexually.
I honestly feel that I can love more than one person without taking away love from the other. She has listened to me and heard me out, but I think it may just be to entertain my "thought" and not have any intention of following through with it. When I had my "friendships" I found myself more sensitive to her needs because my mindset was in the pleasing process due to my new friend at the time.
Sorry for babbling on. I'm just confused and hoping anyone can help.
