Third Wheel Primary

[skeet]

Hi all, new to the forum. Need somewhere safe to vent so I hope this is OK, but advice is welcome too.

Quick background, my husband says he's always been poly. We've explored together sexually as a couple doing the swinger thing, I've had FWBs, and he's had a couple of girlfriends. After 17 years, I actually have a boyfriend for the very first time and it's awesome. I've spent time with and hung out with my husband's girlfriends in the past. I've been resistant to friendships with them because I have a jealous streak and have been SERIOUSLY burned with a past "metamore", but I also want to be a good partner and for him to be happy, so I try to open up my heart and mind and be inclusive. Seriously, really trying hard, especially with the most recent girlfriend. She's nice and she's good for him. She's brand new to poly, and I have consciously tried to put her at ease and and convey that she doesn't have to be uncomfortable around me.

But here's the thing. With her, and with his previous two girlfriends, when we go out together as 3, I get this harsh and distinct feeling of being the third wheel. Like I've been invited as an afterthought, and that I'm just there so the husband can look like a good guy. I feel so petty, but it's such a strong feeling. Sometimes I wonder if he is giving her more of a connection so she doesn't feel intimidated about the "Wife" or the "Primary" being out on the date, or if honestly, this is where we are now...I am the baggage he's trying to placate so he can keep hanging out with the girlfriend.

We went out last night to a film fest and I really was excited about it and looking forward to it, and even to hanging out with her because, like I said, she's nice. But stupid things...in a booth at the restaurant he chose to sit next to her, leaving me across the table. In walking between venues he walked next to her chit chatting, and I was either behind trying to keep up, or ahead, trying to look back and participate in the conversation. She had to tell him to sit between us in the theater instead of at the other end next to only her. And the kicker, I mentioned I wanted to go to a benefit/concert thing tonight, and she said "Oh yeah...that's the event I was planning to drag him to!" Oh really...you had a date scheduled? He hadn't told me. So the compromise isn't that we'll all go or that they do something another day...I'm going to this event alone (which happens a lot) and they're going somewhere else all day.

This is not a new thing. With previous girlfriends, when I was around for a group get together, or with just him and his girl, I'm running to catch up, sitting at the edge of the table, left out of the conversation... It's so rare we get together as 3. I won't demand the tables are turned, as that would make her feel crappy too. I just wish there was more...togetherness.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I just wish there was more...togetherness.

More togetherness? Or more consideration?

If you feel like a third wheel -- you could stop going to 3 people things. Take a break from all that.

If you want times where you hang out together as 3 to improve -- talk to each of them about it. Reflect on how you contribute to the situation making.

You list behaviors you do not like from your hinge:

• In a booth at the restaurant he chose to sit next to her, leaving me across the table.
  
• In walking between venues he walked next to her chit chatting, and I was either behind trying to keep up, or ahead, trying to look back and participate in the conversation.
  
• (He doesn't think of it himself.) She had to tell him to sit between us in the theater instead of at the other end next to only her.
  
• I mentioned I wanted to go to a benefit/concert thing tonight, and she said "Oh yeah...that's the event I was planning to drag him to!" (Oh really...you had a date scheduled? He hadn't told me.)

What behavior would you like him to start/stop doing when it is a 3 people date?

If a lot of the attention during the date is going to be on her, maybe you need "before care" and "after care" so you can feel better? It is not unreasonable for him to walk along with his other partner in between venues sometimes. Would you feel better taking turns being the one who walks ahead so it is not always you? Speak up about it.​

What behavior would you like her to start/stop doing?

Other than her asking him to sit in between so he can be by both? You seem to appreciate that.​

What behavior would you like to ask YOU to stop/start doing?

Sounds like you wanted this behavior:

So the compromise isn't that we'll all go or that they do something another day...

Did you suggest it as a possibility? Maybe you could start speaking up more. But there is nothing wrong with each of you attending a concert on your own, even if it is the same concert on the same day. Maybe you prefer to be given a heads up about dates sooner than find out about it on a 3 people date?

You are going to have to find a way to stop being your own self bully and doing "down talk" and calling yourself names like this:

I am the baggage he's trying to placate so he can keep hanging out with the girlfriend.

That doesn't do anything but help make you feel bad. ​

What are the things the TRIO could start/stop doing?

You three are going to have to find a balance and communicate more clearly when you go out as 3 people. You say she is nice and it sounds like she's trying, but it also sounds like you are not used to sharing your hinge's attention, and he himself doesn't know how to balance attention between 2 partners when you are out as 3. You yourself seem to be trying to learn how to share without doing "I am less than her" comparisons in your head.

There may be times where you attend things as 3 people because it is easiest to car pool that way, but his "official date" will be one or the other of you. You guys could take the time to talk and clear up expectations before going to places.​

Could chalk this last thing up as a learning experience and not expect people to be perfect at it right off the bat. Talk and sort it out.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

I do many things with both my boyfriend and husband. Usually, I behave much like your husband. In a restaurant, I sit by Boy while Hubby sits on the other side of the table with little girl. When we walk, Boy and I are usually holding hands/arms around one another while Hubby walks next to me or slightly ahead if the sidewalk isn't wide enough (the exception being if I'm the one wearing the baby - then I'm usually being ridiculous - half running/random circles/etc to make her laugh while the guys walk together and talk). In theaters, I do always sit in the middle, and if by chance we're at a theater that allows cuddling in the recliner seats with moveable armrests, it's pretty random who shares that with me.

In my mind - I see Boy once or twice a week. That is OUR date night that we chose to share with Hubby. So, I am acting more couple-y with Boy. I still touch Hubby, hold hands on occasion, and all the small affection that is normal but my primary focus is on my date. If Hubby didn't like that, I would stop inviting him, because it wouldn't be fair to Boy to distance myself during the little time we have together.

When Hubby was dating, however, he had a girlfriend that ALWAYS wanted me to hang out with them. Hubby is physically incapable of dividing his attention at all - like if we were at a restaurant he'd order an appetizer that he knew she would like not thinking about the fact that I'm allergic to a main ingredient and things like that. He went from pretty much ignoring me when we were all together to being pretty strict about no intimate behavior unless one of us went to the restroom or something to make sure we were all comfortable. I reiterated multiple times that they could go out without me or I could leave the house or whatever they needed so that he could show her more attention, and she WANTED us all to hang out. We did get to the point where we would often watch movies or something less interactive so that he could sit in the middle on the couch and cuddle with her while I had my feet propped on his legs or something so I wasn't just off alone. I actually really hated it. She was nice, I liked her well enough, but I had no desire to be her friend and felt like I was being forced into it.

Anyway - I would recommend separating yourself from their relationship or bringing your own date when you all are doing something together. If he is otherwise a considerate hinge, going on their dates then being upset that he acts like he's on a date with her is just going to continue causing you unhappiness. If he is ALWAYS putting her ahead of you, then you definitely need to talk to him and figure out what the underlying issues are.

 

[icesong]

Everything AlwaysGrowing said. I admit I have had the exact same feels, especially back when TheKnight was dating Sunshine - even if I did have the 4th member of our quad along as my date, we were never as close and he wasn't as physically affectionate so I *still* felt that way, even with more togetherness. And even trying pretty hard, I've made TheKnight feel left out when he has hung out with AnotherArtist and I - it's just not a situation that's easy to balance as a hinge.

Another thing to think about - how much seeing TheKnight with another partner makes me feel like a third wheel is actually far more dependent on how I feel about our relationship than about the actual treatment - if I'm feeling valued, and like he's attracted to me, I am MUCH MUCH MUCH better at compersion than if I'm feeling like he's only interested in his other partner.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi skeet,

It sounds like you need to sit down with your husband, and ask him what's going on. You might also ask yourself if you want to tag along when you just feel like a third wheel. Aren't there more enjoyable things you could do with your time?

Just some thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.