This is frustrating.

JungleTodd

JungleTodd

New member
So our potential third didn't work out, after 4 years of long distance dating. Now the emptiness. Doing my job of chatting, searching, but finding girls in their 30’s who talk a good talk, but then crap out. Using an app called Polyfun, so they know the basics. But just today, I had to end the conversations with 2 of them. Both had the same issue. I need to be their king, and buy them flights to visit, plus gifts. Which I'm sure would be accepted and then they vanish. So I do not send anything online, and get grief about it. I don't knows if its generational, but these girls expect total one-sided relationship. I even told this last one, when she told me that I was “I want a king to spoil me, not looking to pay what he should pay”, that I was looking for a girlfriend, not an escort. Kind of mean, I know, but I just can’t believe the attitude.
Just wanted to share my frustration, I know poly people are a small percentage of the population, and finding someone willing to make a life change (we live in a remote area) is really needle in a haystack. But I keep searching. And hoping.
 
Hello JungleTodd,

I'm sorry you are going through a frustrating time, I can see that the emptiness is not fun. You are looking for a woman with the right attitude, and that is hard to find. Don't give up, keep trying to find that special partner who will be devoted to you. Be careful about the scammers, I don't think I need to tell you that but I thought I would anyway.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
No problem, I hope you have good luck in the near future.
 
If I may be frank, I think the expectation that you'll meet a woman who is willing to date long-distance, then uproot her life and move out to a remote area to be with you and your wife....Well, the only kind of woman willing to do that would probably be someone who didn't have much going on in her own life.

A woman who isn't looking for a provider might not want to take time away from her career to travel to you. She might not be at all interested in going somewhere remote and, I'm guessing, with limited work opportunities. A woman who doesn't need your money might already have a great place to live and/or have her own travel plans. An attractive woman who is poly, and therefor open to being a "third,"(gosh, that sounds awful. I would demand to be a "first,") probably has a partner or two already that she's unwilling to leave behind.

Relationships are supposed to accommodate the goals of all members. You grow together, decide what direction to go in together. But you're asking a woman dating you (and your wife) to bend themselves to the life you've already built.

Would the two of you consider relocating to go be with your new "third?" That might help. I suspect as it stands, you're unlikely to attract a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman who already has a life, money and healthy support system. Hence, you appeal to lonely women seeking support, financial or otherwise.

Are you sure there's no one near you and easier to date so you don't have to mess with long distance? Also, so they don't have to leave behind their whole lives just to be with you? Either way, best of luck!
 
Yeah, I know, and it kinda hurts. We have a large property in a very small, conservative country. So moving to someone or finding someone here is not a thing. I know, I'm pretty much out of luck. It really stinks. Guess that's why I called my post frustrating. I realize the hurdles. Poly is not a choice for me, its what I am. I didn't realize why I always felt empty before. So there's no deciding to be mono. Just accepting it, if that's what life has for me. A poly man living mono. I try to stay hopeful, but I realize my dilemma. And keep fighting off the scammers.
 
It sounds like you're married and own a ranch, or something. Maybe you raise animals or you're a farmer.

Is your wife also polyamorous? It sounds like you and she think that being poly means sharing one woman between you. I'd like to let you know that polyamory does not require that. Many new-to-poly MF couples think they must share one partner, a bisexual woman. The husband is straight, the wife is bi, so they will just share a bi woman! They think this will reduce jealousy and protect their marriage. In fact, it often causes more jealousy or envy, because the shared person (aka the "unicorn") will almost always have stronger feelings for one partner over the other (after the first sexual frenzy dies down, at least).

Please check out our Golden Nuggets section. You'll find tons of wonderful resources on polyamory-- articles, books, a podcast, and older archived consolidated threads on dozens of topics. It might help you figure out how to get what you really need and be less frustrated.


As far as the unicorn-hunt goes, try reading this:

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com
 
I'm sorry you have had this happen to you, I also have had trouble finding a great couple to datecand learn from, have also dealt with scammer. I wish you the best of luck
 
JungleTodd said:
So our potential third didn't work out, after 4 years of long distance dating. Now the emptiness. Doing my job of chatting, searching, but finding girls in their 30’s who talk a good talk, but then crap out. Using an app called Polyfun, so they know the basics. But just today, I had to end the conversations with 2 of them. Both had the same issue. I need to be their king, and buy them flights to visit, plus gifts. Which I'm sure would be accepted and then they vanish. So I do not send anything online, and get grief about it. I don't knows if its generational, but these girls expect total one-sided relationship. I even told this last one, when she told me that I was “I want a king to spoil me, not looking to pay what he should pay”, that I was looking for a girlfriend, not an escort. Kind of mean, I know, but I just can’t believe the attitude.
Just wanted to share my frustration, I know poly people are a small percentage of the population, and finding someone willing to make a life change (we live in a remote area) is really needle in a haystack. But I keep searching. And hoping.
Click to expand...
That is frustrating and I’m sorry you spent all that time and energy with no positive results. I’ve been experiencing the same to a much lesser degree. I hope your frustration finds its way into a healthy place for yourself. I’m seeing my anger come out where I don’t want it to be, and will likely need to rethink my approach.

Sending understanding!
 
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