this is me

R

rainfairy

New member
hi all

english is not my mother tongue as you will see. so I might sometimes need to ask again if I don't understand something. but there is no comparable forum in german.

I am 48 and married since 7 years to the love of my life, 36. the relationship is very strong and we are very close to each other. we both suffer from depressions since we were children, therefore we take antidepressants since a long time.

the start of the relationship was full of passion and erotic and then this stopped abruptly because of another hard depression of my husband. since then he has no contact to this part of him anymore, he is working on it. but since more than 8 years we live more or less without sex together.

I tried to live without this but I suffer. so we decided that we open the relationship and I could have erotic encounters with other men. I soon realized that I am not interested in pure sex without feelings. I met a married man, 46, who is in the same situation and looking for someone to live this part of his life. and we developed feelings for each other.

I talked about this with my husband because any lies would produce a distance between us and I don't want that. he will let me have this relationship, but he doesn't want to know anything.

so there we are, right at the start of a new period of our relationship.
I hope you will share your experience with me and help me to work out how all this can work for all of us.

looking forward to talk to you all
rainfairy
 
Hello rainfairy,

Welcome! Even though English is not your first language your post is very easy to understand...

From the years that you have provided, your husband's lack of desire for sex started before you got married? How long were you together before you got married? To me, this means that you want to be with your husband even if there is no sex but that, after all of this time, you are sexually frustrated. I understand, I have been there myself.

What you are describing, where your husband "doesn't want to know anything", is what we call a "DADT" which means "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". If you search this site for "DADT" you will find a lot of discussion on this topic. This seems to be a common place for people who are transitioning to multiple relationships. Some people are ok with their partners having "purely sexual" relationships with others - but are uncomfortable with their partners have "real feelings" for others.

I would have a good talk with your husband about what he means by not wanting to know "anything" - does he mean that he doesn't want to know any details? That he doesn't want to know about any feelings? That he wants to pretend that you aren't in a relationship with this other person but are "just friends"? Does he want you to lie about where you were or who you were with? (I don't think that lying would sit well with you) OR does he just not want to have to think about it too much?

My advise is to go very, very, very slow and not push your husband to talk about it too much until he is more comfortable. Perhaps set aside an hour or two a week where you can talk about your relationship(s) in a general sense and see how he is feeling. Where you ask him if he is comfortable with your behavior and how you have been acting toward him. Ask him if he is comfortable with your level of sharing - wants more? wants less? Ask him if you should tell him something if he asks or whether you should say "This fits under the 'not wanting to know anything' rule - do you really want me to answer that?"

JaneQ

PS. If what I have written is not understood, please ask for explanation.
 
dear jane

thank you for your answer.
I can feel I am at the right place here. it feels good not to have to justify my needs and the relationship with my husband. I was trying to find a discussion in a more general online forum and just got answers like "leave your husband, who is obviously not interested in you" or "if it is not pure sex you are looking for it means you don't love your husband anymore". as if there was only one "right way" to live a relationship.

yes, the physical relationship with my husband was already like this when we decided to get married. and yes, I want to live with him, I want lo live this marriage even if we would never have sex together again. he is the one I feel home with emotionally.

thanks for your advices. good things!
I found out that he doesn't want to talk about it too much. I respect that.
he doesn't want to think about it too much, I guess. he wants me to have that as a part of my life only, without sharing. he says, the only thing about it that he wants to notice is me being happy and inspired.

and no, I don't want to lie to him. we decided that I just say "you don't want to know that" if he would ask me, where I have been. anyway I try to see my lover when I would be alone anyway, so my husband doesn't have to notice if he doesn't want to.

regards
rainfairy
 
Greetings rainfairy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sounds like you have things worked out pretty well. I think communication is the key, even if it's just checking in with each other to see how you're feeling. As we hear more about your situation, I'm sure we'll be able to think of more advice.

There's a lot of good information and food for thought on this site, so check out our various threads and boards. Don't hesitate to ask any questions you may have.

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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