This tiny life is making sense--travels by the CowleyRoad

C

CowleyRoad

New member
So how did a 36-year-old terribly shy straight male with only three sex partners ever (two of whom he was married to!) until last month decide together with his near-lesbian wife (Sky) to embark on a swinging adventure that suddenly blossomed into something like a polyamorous relationship? Well, if you figure out, let me know, because I don't yet...

The back story: yes, I am terribly shy. I prefer writing because speaking is difficult for me, although I'm getting better at it. I love books and reading and literary discussion. And, as Sky will attest, while I'm not good at interaction with a lot of people, when I am close to someone my shell disappears. In other words, I prefer one to many. So on the face of it, I was never the greatest candidate to go swinging.

But at the same time, Sky and I wanted to expand our sexuality. As I said, Sky is closer to lesbian than even 50-50 bisexual. She has always been attracted to women more than men, even if she has never felt comfortable expressing that, due to family and societal pressures. She came out to me about three years ago and I can't say I was surprised. There had been a lot of little hints dropped from time to time. I do not know why she has such an attraction to me. She says there is something very different about me in comparison with other men... that I do many things in a very womanly fashion. I don't see it myself, but I can understand what she means.

After two years of discussion, we decided to try swinging to expand our sexuality. Really, we didn't know from the outset what that would mean for us. Neither of us felt comfortable seeing a lot of people. We were both, I think, secretly hoping we would find a person or couple that we liked seeing more than once, who we could really get to know, both in and out of bed. How fortunate, then, that the first couple we met were Brook and Hunter.

You can read all about our first encounters with them, and their own history, in the earlier thread I started: [url="http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3280]here[/url].

Let me just say here a few things about them, which will help this life story make more sense. First off, Brook is a very sexually-charged woman. As I have said here before, "nothing Brook does is completely non-sexual." And of course, the four of us started as swinging partners, so our first couple encounters were sexual.

So, a lot more of this life story is going to revolve around sex than the average story here. I apologize for that in advance, but that's Brook's language and that's the place where we come from. I promise not to turn this into erotica, but I am going to reference it.

Secondly, we're new at this, so please take that into account. I worry about not using the language correctly. I'm not even sure what our relationship could be called right now, or how to refer to Brook's relationship to me or Sky's relationship to Hunter, or whatever. He does not want this called poly, full stop. But it's definitely more than swinging or casual sex. I've called Brook and Him "our entanglement" here. That seems to work right now. :)

Our understanding of them changes day-to-day, as we learn more about them and about where we stand with them, but I'll try to describe a bit about them and us. The four of us come from pretty different worlds. Sky and I come from a very academic background, and although Brook and Hunter are extremely intelligent, they have sold themselves short at times. I'm trying to draw that out of Brook in particular, and I'll work on Hunter next! They're more familiar with poly/swinging/sexual entanglements than us and have a lot of friends in the "scene," as it were. We have none. We'd probably be shunned if we were out about what we're doing. My dad would probably disown me, in fact.

Whew, that's a lot to start. To be continued...
 
Without brakes, then...?

It's fun to drive fast and feel the wind in your hair and watch the scenery slip by as you hurtle toward your destination. Last night was one of those hard-driving nights. We visited Brook and Hunter at their home again. He announced early on that he was "out of commission" after a work-related accident to his, um, genitals. But he didn't want to stop us from having fun, and he actually rather liked the idea, especially because the other three of us promised him some fun without me when things repaired themselves. The evening started slowly as we watched some things on TV and ate pizza and wings. Hunter pulled the foldout couch out so the other three of us could relax, as it were. After a while, I sat next to Hunter and talked about a bunch of stuff while we let Sky and Brook kiss and talk.

An hour later, Sky and Brook were still kissing and talking, and Hunter announced, "Hey, if you want to start anything, be my guest." This was the equivalent of throwing a match on gasoline for Brook, and she started getting very intimate with Sky, eventually having sex with her while I held her. Brook turned her attentions to me, then back to Sky for a long while, then back to me again. All the while, Hunter was watching and smiling.

Eventually, Brook and I were in a long naked embrace. We talked about our feelings towards each other, our goals and desires. She has fallen for me. That is very obvious. She spoke of love. I was honest with her that I was starting to fall in love with her too, but I was nervous about the pace and the effect it might have on H and Sky. She said she had also fallen in love with Sky, although in a different way.

Meanwhile, Sky and H were showing each other much affection. Brook was almost in tears, saying, "That is not how H usually is. Sky is very special to him." We kissed and held each other until our bodies seemed fused.

But now the downside, when the car needs to have some brakes. Sky is starting to fear the intensity of the relationship between Brook and me. So am I. Brook can put on a very tough exterior but she is extremely vulnerable. She is used to men not showing her physical affection, and she is used to thinking of men as being pigs.

Hunter is not a pig, but he has not always shown her the affection she wants. So I come along and, right. So she's fallen hard for that part of me. And I'm scared about the effect it's having on me. I want to help that vulnerable side of her, and that's the wrong thing to do. Patronizing to her, offensive to Sky, and dangerous for me. Sky says it is OK to love B. But I fear what the consequences of that are for Sky, Brook and Hunter. I'm so scared. Sky is supporting me and letting me express how I feel toward Brook. But at the same time, she realizes that we could be in for a great crash.

Brook wants my love, but cars need brakes, and sometimes love needs limits, for cars without brakes hurt people, and sometimes love does, as well.
 
To realize

Last night was difficult. Sky was very upset with Brook's attempt to go around her and Hunter, and wanted to talk to her. She did and was surprised by the depth of her emotion. Anger mostly, but betrayal and hurt. She said to me she didn't want to be accusatory, but it came out that way, she admitted. Brook was kind of evasive with some of her answers.

Sky was angry after that. We argued, but we kept communicating. I got the sense this all might be over. I told her that "if you want to end this, tell me to end it now, and we will get through it. But as it is, we're getting very hurt."

She didn't want to. I got the sense she said it so I wouldn't get hurt. I wish she knew I am already hurting uncontrollably. I felt betrayed by Brook too. I told her in a text, "You need to stop going around people or we will lose each other."

Brook wrote to both of us individually and also together. She spent all night writing, by the look of the time stamps on the emails. She admitted she was going too fast with me, and was afraid she was scaring Sky. She claimed to be telling Hunter everything about how she felt about us. She claimed he was already aware. I want to believe her. Sky isn't sure. She also says she wants to be poly-faithful to us, but Hunter isn't ready for that. Sky doesn't believe that.

Brook also says she loves Sky, and Sky REALLY doesn't believe that. I'm not sure Brook could ever regain Sky's trust after yesterday.

Brook also said she is planning to take a trip away at short notice, for a week or more. Sky and I think she's running away from her problems. I hope she takes the time to think about things. But her decision to do this is really demonstrating how vulnerable and damaged she is. I want to tell her, "No don't do this," but it's not my place to do it. So I sit here paralyzed in fear. Will she come back to change her mind? Will she come back at all?

Will Sky and I survive this? That's the only non-negotiable thing. She is worth more to me than anything. But I see emotions in her that are frightening, and I can neither push Brook away nor get closer. The first because Sky will always blame herself for ending it and breaking my and Brook's hearts, the second because she will have a broken heart.

I read here that "the joys in polyamory are multiplied, but the pain is exponential." Three people make me happy. but their fears and multiple relationships are almost infinite. I wish I had a better realization.
 
No situation so bad it can't get worse

Last night I almost lost my marriage.

Sky came home from work in a furious mood. She and I fought back and forth for hours. Most of it revolved around her work and the problems there, but when I suggested that maybe our problems with Brook might be making it worse, things really got bad. Sky was mad that Brook was contacting me more than her, and when I said that was not always true (and in fact, H does not respond to me at all, which is troubling), she got angrier.

She said, "Brook is just trying to get on my good side to get to you."

When I said that I thought B's feelings towards her were genuine, she disagreed. She intimated that part of the reason she was okay with Brook loving me was that she (Sky) "didn't deserve me" and she felt Brook could give me things she couldn't. I said I would leave Brook if it would help her, because Sky is the one I want to be with. Sky said if I left Brook, she would leave me, or worse (!) because, "I couldn't live with myself for making you unhappy." We ended up fighting a lot more.

Sky has had self-esteem issues for many years. I thought things were getting better, but I've seen a lot of problems reappearing since this started with Brook and Hunter. (Sky denies this.)

Last night made me realize that things were not okay. I feel stuck. I feel like my relationship with Brook is hurting Sky and our marriage, but she will not let me leave Brook.

It doesn't help that Brook is starting to tell me very personal things that make me realize leaving her will hurt her too.

So now what? We are looking at counseling, maybe too at slowing things down further. I'm not sure any amount of slowing down will work. Sky suggested not talking to Brook for two months.

Then Brook wrote (without knowing what was going on), "If you need to wait, I can wait for ten years."

So who knows?

Then Sky suggested we meet Brook this weekend to discuss slowing things down, "because maybe only if we're physically there will she get the message." Maybe. I don't think she's comfortable with Brook talking to me at all. When I got a text from Brook today, she said, "I thought all this was supposed to be about me. You are supposed to slow down," even though the text asked me what kind of jewelry Sky liked.

One minute Sky says she's happy for Brook and me, the next she doesn't want me to contact Brook for weeks. She says we need to take a break, but she was the one suggesting the meetup this weekend.

I feel like my heart is shattered into ten thousand pieces. And it's probably going to get worse soon. I'm truly scared of losing Sky now, but I have no idea how to fix things.
 
I don't have any advice, but I feel for your situation, and I think I know what that feels like. I'm not sure what you should do with it, though.

Good luck.
 
The mountain/the handhold

Waiting now to talk to Brook. She called and spoke with Sky, then had to go for a while, but has promised to call back. They are meeting on Saturday. I guess I will not be there, but that is probably for the best.

Sky didn't mention anything about how either of us were feeling, which is probably also for the best, because, in a nutshell, I'm feeling completely shattered.

I told her that I can't go on much longer like this, not feeling there was a way out. I feel a bit like a mountain climber. If I could see where the next handhold was, where the next place was I should put my foot, then I'd be... well, not okay, but a little better off. And I don't really know where that handhold might be, or when I might find it.

And it just continues. It feels as if the slightest bit of happiness is snuffed out in less than a day, that a great time with B and H is immediately followed by dread and doubt and fear, which then lasts until the next time with them, which is seemingly great, but then followed again by another period of dread and doubt and fear. I want so much to talk to Brook and work things out, but it's not happening yet.

-------------------

I just got to talk to Brook. Sky said that she has not seen me smile like I did when I was on the phone with her. Although Sky talked to her for about three times as long as I did, and I know I'm probably not going to see Brook for the next three weeks, I feel...some measure of peace.

Brook and Sky are going to meet on Saturday.

Sky is at last comfortable with giving us a little space to ourselves. She's agreed that we can talk on the phone for one night a week, for at least half an hour, without her there. It's going to be a long time before she will feel comfortable with more, and maybe she will never feel comfortable with us being alone. (Maybe Hunter will never feel that way either.)

But is this the first handhold? It seems that way. There is so, so much for Sky and me to work through, not just in relation to B and H, but also with each other. Nor is this the last difficult day I'm going to go through. But there is a way upwards.
 
So, about that other guy he wants you to sleep with

Everything was going really well yesterday. Brook and Sky were planning their day trip out. Hunter was in a really good mood because he had gotten a new electronic toy, and he was texting Sky and me (!) all about it. Brook went to work around 7, and Hunter started texting Sky again, then shyly asked if he could call.

So he did. He and Sky ended up talking for an hour. It was very sweet. Sky still insists that she doesn't think she can fall in love with him, but I don't think anyone is expecting or forcing her to. There is an obvious friendship and affection, though, and Brook and I both are enjoying watching it grow.

So then I was a little disappointed that I hadn't received a reply to a text I had sent Brook. Sky said, "Well, there's no reason she can't text you," and let her know that. Brook then sent me a few texts and things were going well. Then Brook started sending some very naughty texts to Sky, and all was amusing and sexy for a while.

But one of the last texts, well... opened up a real can of worms. Brook let it slip that while Hunter was having his "genital injury troubles" he made her an offer: that really cute guy she knows who wants to bang her? The one that's obviously not me? Well, he doesn't mind if he sleeps with her while Hunter watches!

Now, Brook made it clear that she was not interested in this offer...

But. Hunter didn't want me to even talk to Brook on the phone alone, but it's okay for her to fuck some other guy she barely even knows? What. The. Fuck?

Yeah, that one called for a serious time out. I was pissed about that and Sky was completely on my side over that. I'm not even sure why Brook had to mention that. I know it was an attempt to show me that she was looking to abandon her formerly wild ways. But seriously, did I need to know that?

So Brook called me. She warned me early on that her phone was dying. I admitted to her, "Look, I appreciate so much that you are turning down offers like that, and I know what this means, but on the other hand, it's not easy to hear that Hunter is okay with you sleeping with random guys, but wants pretty serious restrictions on contacting me."

She got that. I said, "You know, I thought Hunter was being pretty cool with Sky and me, talking to us, and texting us all day." And Sky's admitted to Hunter that she's fallen in love with both of us, and he's totally cool with Brook spending the day with Sky. "So, what up, Brook?"

She admitted there was some other stuff going on. Mainly, that Hunter wasn't ready to settle down just yet. She's okay with abandoning the swinging lifestyle to settle into a poly relationship. He's not, because of a previous bad experience with poly, And, as she put it bluntly, there's a part of him that still wants to be a horndog. It's obvious he loves Brook, and craves sex with Sky, but maybe that's not enough for him now. I said I respected their lifestyle (this is something that Brook worries about me, that my lack of experience in this leads me to not respect them as people), and I understood that people needed to move at different paces.

Then her phone died. Shit.

Sky and I went to bed. I slept, sort of. Woke up at 6 and clutched her tightly. Finally around 8, I checked my phone. Nothing.

Sky wanted to call off the day at first, said that I was the one who needed to talk to Brook, and she felt nervous talking to her.

I said, "You're the person that Hunter trusts with Brook. I need you to talk to her."

She wasn't sure, and her self-esteem was starting to ebb. I reminded her of how much Brook wanted to see her. I kissed her to tell her it was okay. Then we had passionate, giggly, multi-orgasmic sex, which I had wanted so badly from her. Around 9:30, we finally bothered to check my phone again. Brook had texted around 8:30. She said that she and Hunter had talked a lot, and she would tell Sky about what they had discussed. She was afraid of losing me and said she hadn't slept all night. She reiterated that she loved me. I texted back to tell her I loved her too.

So I think today might actually go okay.
 
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Hunter sounds way too much like my OSO. Power and control make him tick, and he isn't even aware of it.
 
Jade, I wonder if it's that, or something a little more complex. Sky (who, though analytical, is very perceptive) thought Hunter might be trying to slow down the relationship between Brook and me by introducing complications. Could be. Or he just wants to have sex with a lot of people and sees it all ending. Brook could end all that because she is typically the instigator of that for Hunter. He sees Brook settling down, and he doesn't want to.

I'll find out more when Sky gets back. They sent me pictures from the beach. They are both so beautiful. I do need to remind myself of how fortunate I am when things are not going well.
 
Finally, there is clarity?

Brook's cell phone was not the only one which died over the weekend. I called Sky at 6 to see if she was on her way home. By 7 I was getting a little antsy, because there had been no response to either text or call. So I did something which I'd wanted to do, but hadn't had the guts to do. I called Brook. She told me that Sky had left at quarter after 6, but that her cell had died, and she'd been trying to call her too.

Then I asked Brook the question-- what's going on with all this?

A long sigh. Apparently, that morning, she had talked to Hunter about his offer from the previous night. She'd asked him point blank, "Why is it okay for me to sleep with random guy but not with CowleyRoad?" Hunter said he felt nervous about me, and was afraid I would try to take Brook from him. Brook said that wasn't the case, but Hunter was still concerned about that.

She said she'd work slowly with him. She also admitted that, yes, he is not ready to settle down and commit to Sky and me, even though Sky intrigues him a lot. He has this list of things (okay, I mean people) he'd like to try. As it happens, Sky is top of that list (put there by Brook, but admitted to by Hunter). He is rather infatuated with Sky, in fact, has called her three nights in a row now. Anyway, Brook said he will be okay with us (her and me) being together at some point. Maybe when his list is complete. Maybe in June. 2011.

So, sigh. After I hung up, Sky came back. She was all thrilled about her time with Brook. I threw a turd on that, and I am sorry to her about that. She wasn't too happy with the time table, either, but we realized that we had to go at Hunter's pace. She was especially a little confused that Hunter felt okay to call her and talk for an hour or so, but that it wasn't okay for me to do that with Brook.

After Hunter talked to my wife last night, Brook sent me a text. She was willing to talk to Sky and Hunter, and see whether it would be okay for me to have "supervised" calls with her, for about 15-20 minutes at a time, a few days a week. It pained me a little that that was the best we could ask for, but we also realize we need to go slow. Sky agreed right away. Hunter probably took some persuading.

So tonight was the first night of the experiment. Sky and I agreed-- keep the conversation light and not about "sappy stuff." First Hunter called Sky, amusingly. He is a bit sappy himself, I think, even if he doesn't know it. Then Brook called Sky and talked for a bit. Sky handed the phone to me. Then, to her overwhelming credit, and in a very loving display of trust, she left me alone to talk. Brook and I talked about some of the intellectual things we shared, and some books we'd both read. We actually ended up talking for 25 minutes. Then we wished each other well. I was rather sad not to hear her say, "I love you."

But a few minutes later she texted back: "I know I'm not supposed to say it, but I do love you. Overwhelmingly so." And I responded in kind.
 
Wandering around lost

Obviously it is not August 30.

Being busy at work, and a computer down, and just not knowing what to write has plagued me. I still don't know what to write, but must, to get it off my chest.

The bottom line is that even though Hunter agreed to let Brook go ahead with calling it poly, nothing really changed. Brook and I talk, but he is with her, and she is self-censoring over the phone. She doesn't like it, but puts up with it. On Thursday night, she called from work and was able to say "I love you" over the phone for the first time in over a week. That felt nice. She was able to say it again from work last night, which also felt nice. For a while.

I can't say as I've felt either overwhelmingly happy or calm at all these last few days. "Scared" is the only emotion I've really felt for over a week.

I'm scared because my relationship with Sky is hitting unbearable highs and lows, with either fighting or extreme closeness, hatred or incredible love.

And I'm scared because I keep asking myself, "What the fuck am I doing?"

Brook has told me more about her past and her present. She is a very damaged woman. I'm used to that. Sky is a very damaged woman, as well. Can I support both of them?

Earlier this week, I was able to support Brook, and she cherished my caring nature. But then I wasn't able to support Sky later in the week. I collapsed in self-hatred. Why couldn't I be there for her at that point, when she needed me?

The other night I had a nightmare. A friend handed me a box of broken glass and asked me to put the shattered pieces back together. Every piece of glass cut me, but as I put the pieces together, I saw that the pieces composed a picture of Sky and a picture of Brook. Will I be able to put the pieces together? I worry.

It's almost as if I beg Sky to stop me from myself. But at the same time, Sky is starting to fall for Brook. Maybe against her own better judgment, but all the same, there are feelings developing for her. And she doesn't want me to leave Brook. Is it because she will feel responsible for breaking up our relationship? Is it because she wants to be with Brook too? I don't think even she knows.

And in the midst of this maelstrom is Hunter, who kind of rises above it all. Last night Brook told me she was very nervous about things, and I admitted Sky and I were too. She said, "Well, Hunter is just calm about everything."

I asked her if she felt that he had a measure of control. "No, he doesn't control me," she laughed. I believe that. But at the same time, she's hinted at massive rifts in their relationship. I can't have that on my conscience. My ex-wife trusted me to be honest with her, then repaid my honesty by cheating on me and breaking up our marriage. I have been extremely careful to not allow B to go behind H's back at any time absolutely because of that. I don't know if their marriage will survive-- not because of us necessarily, but because their marriage might not have survived anyway. But I can't feel responsible.

I want my marriage to survive too. For the first time, Sky has told me things like "I will leave you if..." and not because I want to be with Brook, but because I ask to leave. To ease her pain. To stop all this. There are times I want to get off this rollercoaster, that I feel I can't hang on any more, that my emotions are affecting my life and work and home life. But it seems nothing ever changes, that a few minutes of respite are then thrown against hours of worry. I feel stuck between Brook's "overwhelming" (her words) love, Sky's need for love, and my own need for sanity. I worry that Sky's desire "not to hurt me" will lead to disaster. Because, honestly, I am hurting already.

And lastly, there are times when I wake up at 4 in the morning and think to myself "How will this end?" I want to write a letter to Brook, in case it all ends tonight.

We are meeting, the four of us, and it could very well end if we can't negotiate all the logistics-- how Sky and Brook can spend time together; how one day I can spend time with Brook (which Hunter is seemingly not ready for yet); where the lines are drawn.

There is a part of me, no matter how much I love Brook, no matter how Sky wants me to stay with her, that just wants to hand her that letter and say, "I'm sorry. This is my fault." It might destroy her, or help her rebuild with Hunter, or maybe she just shrugs her shoulders and finds another me. And then Sky and I are left wondering how we deal with all the things we've learned about each other... that maybe I really am poly, that this being "actively bi" thing is not so bad for Sky, that there are trust issues that we might never see eye to eye again.

So.
 
Something better, something brighter

Just before Sky and I left to meet up with Brook and H, weird thing #1 happened. Hunter called me to ask if I wanted to meet up later in the week. Seriously. I thought that was a good sign.

Weird thing #2 happened right when Brook came to the restaurant where we met up with them. She came in... and was wearing... okay, you are going to start laughing now... a lobster suit. Seriously, again. Brook knows that I have a fear (ok, maybe not exactly a fear) of lobsters. She actually came into the restaurant wearing a lobster suit. I am going to tell you right now, when it comes to calming fears, Brook is an absolute genius. Who else could have done that? I laughed my butt off.

Could anything have gone badly after that? Well, no, but it went even better than I thought it could have. Actually, there were hiccups. Hunter admitted that after he found the texts and e-mails between Brook and me, he considered leaving her, and that there had been a “big” fight. That was scary.

As I've said, I’ve already been in one marriage that broke up because of cheating, and although I had gone out of my way to not cheat with Brook, I don’t want to be involved in anything like that again.

But apart from that, almost everything went better than expected. Incredibly, even after Hunter had considered leaving Brook over me, he considered whether Brook and I could meet in public on our own. Maybe we’re not ready for that. Maybe he’s not. But he’s considering it. And already he is okay with Brook, Sky and me meeting up on our own.

Hunter opened up to us even more about why he is uncomfortable with Brook, Sky and me being poly. But he’s agreed to us going ahead with it. It’s admirable of him to admit that. But it’s also part and parcel of the fact that he is beginning to trust us more every day. The important thing is that we keep him part of the conversation, and part of the relationship.

And, to that end, I did go meet up with him on Monday. And last night the four of us went to a bar/entertainment thing and had loads of fun. Yes, there was lots of snuggling and furtive kissing, but it was about being friendly too. We are starting to connect on a different level now. There is still nervousness, but there is also a determination to move forward.

Brook is now openly calling me “boyfriend” and Sky “girlfriend.” And somehow Hunter is okay. Maybe not leaping with joy. But okay. And Brook is talking quietly about meeting up with me one-on-one. Sky isn’t ready for that either, but… soon.

After we got home on Sunday night, Brook sent us a text. See, although there was much touching and holding and kissing, Sky had wanted us to keep things non-sexual. And we did. But Brook couldn’t help herself afterward… and something about 25 orgasms in 15 minutes. Brook is still Brook, and we do love her for that!
 
At love's brilliant glow

Has it really been a month since I told Brook that I loved her? Sometimes it seems it just happened, and other times it seems I've loved her forever. My God, so much has happened since I last updated. A few highlights--

Sky admitted almost out of the blue that she loved Brook, that she was scared about it but she did. But over the last two weeks, her fear has subsided.

Brook and I haven't spent time completely alone... but we did spend a beautiful evening in a separate room in her house, kissing and holding each other until she felt comfortable enough to share her secrets. And then we quietly made love, or at least brought each other to orgasm, her in a way she had never been able to from fear and damage. She expressed her love again and again.

Brook thought a misunderstanding was going to upset Sky. I found her crying. I kissed her tears and calmed her. Together we talked it out with Sky. More tears were shed, and yet, at the end of it all, each of us declared our love for the other two. Brook said she had never felt such love Neither have we.

More to follow. Hard to type on this phone.
 
Star Me Kitten

Brook has dubbed Sky "Kitten." It's rather a sweet name. Sky doesn't like her own name, and Brook has identified a feline streak in her. I've given Brook the pet name of "Star", as she has a few star tattoos that she is rather fond of. In return, Brook gave me a necklace with a star, which I wear all the time these days. I don't have a name yet. So the three of us are an REM song now.

The days when I wasn't sure how Brook felt about me, or Sky wasn't sure about Brook, or we didn't know where the three of us stood are gone. The three of us have no trouble vocalizing our love now. In fact, I got off the phone with Brook just now (she's talking with Sky) and we ended the conversation with "I love you," and it doesn't feel forced or wrong at all. These are wonderful days, in comparison with all the fear and worry of the first few weeks.

Not that there is no worry or fear. As I mentioned, there was a misunderstanding, which Brook was afraid would break us up. She told me she was afraid Sky would be angry and leave her. She was okay. The three of us were in tears, but we were brought closer together. We talked about all of the things that had hurt us and nearly broken us apart in the past, and our heart-to-heart (to heart?) tore down more barriers.

I've never been part of such love.

And then, last night, Brook received some health news which upset her greatly. She told us that if we wanted to leave her she would understand. Of course we wouldn't want to leave! Perhaps in the past her partners left over some triviality. But our bond is stronger now.

Where is Hunter in all of this? He is still nervous about things. When Brook and I were in a separate room on Sunday night, snuggling and kissing, Hunter admitted to Sky that he was very nervous.

The friendly bond between the four of us continues, though. For example, tonight Hunter called to talk Sky through trying to find something she'd lost, and thanked her for helping Brook through her medical worries of the previous night. His interest in being a friend to Sky and me does seem genuine, which is calming to us all.

The legs of our triangle seem to finally be taking some shape. Brook and I are somewhat more spiritual in our love, a bit more serious, a bit more passionate. Sky and Brook are more playful in their conversation, which does help Brook through the tough times of her life very well. The two haven't had much time to be physically affectionate, partly because of nerves on Sky's part, but some of that will happen next time we all meet up, which I'm looking forward to, as well.

I'm learning a lot about Sky's sexuality these days, that she can be lusting after Brook one minute and craving me the next. Brook's been feeling that for her whole life, but it's a new experience for Sky. I am not complaining. :)

We're still not completely free, and perhaps we never will be. We don't have all the time in the world to be with Brook, and we know that. A Sunday night here, a weekend there, an afternoon or evening date here or there. But we're talking every night, the three of us. It shows something about Hunter's sweetness to us that he got us a webcam so we can talk to the two of them together and actually see their faces (and on one memorable occasion much more; Brook being Brook again ;) ).

We carry on. We're seeing them Sunday night, then next Sunday night. A month from now, we'll have most of a weekend together. We can't wait. Then who knows?

A month ago, I told Brook I loved her, then within hours I almost lost her. A month is a long time, and the days between the times we see her grow long, but we are surviving. Less than three days until the next time!
 
Feelings growing stronger with every embrace

And no, I'm not talking about me and Brook, but between me and Sky. I never thought we could love each other more than we already did. But it has happened, and we could not be happier.

Why has it happened, when we both are in love with Brook? I think part of it has been that Brook has calmed Sky's fears in a lot of ways. In the past, Sky feared that she was undeserving of love. For some time, she felt that Brook's love was ungenuine, that she was only saying things to get closer to me. It took some time, but Sky has seen real love from her. And now she knows better what real love is. It feels as if weights have been lifted from her shoulders. My love for her grows every day as I see her lovely smile, whether it be after talking to me or talking to Brook. She told me the other day "I feel deserving of love at last."

And I love her more than the earth. It seems as if for every bit that I love Brook, I love Sky twice as much more. Our love multiplies every day.
 
Wow, it's awesome to hear things are going so well! I just started reading this thread, and the early posts were so gut-wrenching, it seemed like a big crash-and-burn was coming fast. It keeps amazing me, the incredible ups and downs experienced by the people posting on this board!

It's especially gratifying to hear your wife is feeling so healed by Brook's love, and that yours keeps growing!

Hunter seems to me to be the wild card in all this. I hope he can continue to deal.

Amazing journey so far. Thank you for sharing!

Anotherbo :)
 
Tears roll down the face of the earth...I saw it with my own two blue eyes

Well, it's been almost two months since I posted here. It's felt like two years. Up, down, tremendous highs, tremendous lows, fear, excitement, drama, comedy, passion, love, heartbreak. All of these sometimes in the same hour, let alone the same day. And now, the end I fear, the first time in my life I am going to have to turn a lover away. I am not looking forward to this at all, but I don't see a way forward.

Let me go back to some happier times. When I stopped posting here (and I didn't do it because I wasn't being supported here, I feared that Sky and/or Brook were looking at my posts, and I don't care about that now), the three of us were settling down into a routine. Not a rut, by any means, but a fine routine. The three of us would talk on the phone on Monday through Thursday nights, then the four of us would meet, usually at their place, on Sunday evening.

All the Sunday visits were wonderful. Sometimes things would be sexual, sometimes not. It didn't seem to matter. Well, I didn't think it mattered.
The relationship between Brook and me blossomed. She helped me through some difficult times, and I helped her, in her words, just by being there and showing her love. At times she said she had been waiting for my love forever, and she couldn't understand what she had done to win my heart.

Things were less settled between Brook and Sky. At times they seemed to be in love, but most of the time it seemed like Brook was in love but Sky wasn't. Sometimes things would go very well between them, and Sky would seem very happy about how things went, but then later on she would be extremely upset about some detail of their time together. She was seeming more and more nervous around Brook and Hunter. Sometimes she drank heavily, later admitting she did that to calm herself.

Sky was also increasingly convinced that Brook was lying to her about loving her. She would grab my phone after she got home from work, and be upset if Brook told me something she didn't tell her, or if she thought that Brook had sent me too many texts during the day. I thought that she was exaggerating a bit of that, and she agreed with that at times.

Just yesterday, Sky admitted to me that although she still wasn't sure that Brook loved her, she was aware that she was holding back from her out of fear of getting hurt, and because she still didn't think she was worthy of love. The last time Brook talked to her, Brook ended the conversation with "I love you." Sky didn't respond to that.

So I was starting to think that Sky wanted this to end. At times she would say that Brook and I could continue our relationship without her. I said I didn't want that, that I didn't feel comfortable going behind her back and that I just could not do that. I asked her if she wanted me to break it off entirely. She said, No, she couldn't do that. She would feel like it was her fault and she would never forgive herself for "depriving" me. At some points, she threatened to harm herself if I broke up with Brook. So of course, at that point I couldn't. I did tell her though, that I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place, that the relationship was hurting her (even if I know that that hurt was mostly self-inflicted by her) but I couldn't actually do anything about it.

This week though, it became obvious she did want it to end. On one day, Sky suggested to Brook that she could "sext" me before a meeting if she cleared it with her first. The next morning I did have a meeting and Brook sexted me. I assumed she'd cleared it with Sky. I responded in kind.

That night, Sky took my phone and saw the text and was furious, and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm not seeing them on Sunday."

And yesterday Hunter, who over most of the last two months has been somewhere between a bystander and an occasional participant, hurt his back. The first thing Sky wrote to me about it was "Let's not see them on Sunday." When I asked her about it she said "Well we need to give them a break"--but all the while she was extremely eager not to see them. It seemed to me like she wanted an excuse not to go.

So that was kind of where things stood until this morning.
 
Continued

You may remember that one of the things that we feared might be a barrier to our poly relationship was Hunter's list of sexual activities that he wanted to do in his life before he would agree to the three of us having a relationship. We'd talked about it fairly extensively around late August, but the matter seemed to have dropped. Brook had agreed to polyfidelity with us, and the three of us got tested and eventually we fluid-bonded, and everything seemed just fine.

And thank goodness for that, because that "list" was a sword over our relationship. Sky has always had a deep-seeded fear that she is not enough for her partner, or partners, I guess. Because of Brook's background she was very concerned that Brook would go looking for someone else. I can't say she felt calm about things after Brook's declaration of polyfidelity and our agreement to fluid bond, but she was calmer.

As for me, I have mentioned here that I was cheated on during my last marriage, and although it's not something I think about often, I knew I would be very hurt if it happened again, and I did let Brook know that. One of the first things she promised me when we started this relationship was that she would not cheat on me.

From the very beginning, we'd agreed that if Hunter did want to go forward with his "list," that all four of us would discuss it before anything happened. Sky pressed Brook more than once about exactly what might be on the list, and Brook told her a couple of things, but she never would admit exactly what was there.

As I said, it was something that was discussed about three months ago but not since. We'd assumed H had just decided that being around us was more valuable than needing to complete the list, which just seemed a little silly to us anyway. Also, we assumed that if Hunter did want to go ahead with the list, it'd be something that he would do on his own, and although, yes, that would mean that the three of us would have to go back on being fluid-bonded, at least Brook would continue to be faithful to us.

Foolish us.

Well, this morning Brook texts us saying she and Hunter are going to two swingers' parties, obviously without us. No explanation was given as to why Hunter wasn't going on his own, other than the inference that he didn't think he could find what he wanted without Brook being there. And, of course, one would think that if Brook wanted to honor her polyfidelity to us, she'd put something in the text like "I am not going to be physically involved in anything at these events," but she was silent about that. She claimed that going to these parties would allow H to do something on the list, but again she was silent as to what those things were, whether they involved her and other people or not. Even when we asked her about it, she wouldn't give us an answer.

I am just so fucking mad about it I haven't been able to text her back. The worst thing is that Brook was texting Sky to say "I'm not even sure what you guys are so upset about," as if it weren't obvious that she was going back on pretty much every ground rule we'd set for our relationship. She just seemed so oblivious that she'd made this promise to us that we needed for the relationship to go ahead, and that we'd promised her in return, and that she could just break that promise and we'd somehow be almost glad that she was going to be cheating on us. Like it was the equivalent of winning a prize or something!

So, I feel betrayed, incredibly so. If anything, it's worse than when my ex cheated, because our marriage was dead anyway, and the cheating only ended it faster.

I was still very much in love with Brook up until this morning, and now, well, I don't know how to feel. Maybe stupid that I didn't see this coming. Mostly like I've been punched in the gut. And I'm furious that Brook hurt Sky. And that she broke her promise not to break my heart, or Sky's heart.

I suppose if there's a silver lining to this, it's that I knew this was going to end somehow with Sky's concerns, but I feared that she would always think that, no matter what happened, it would be her fault. Well this is manifestly not her fault, and we both know that.

I guess I'll let you know how this all ends.
 
So now Sky and I are meeting Brook tonight, probably for the last time. There are other issues that have come up over and above Hunter's list. Mainly the fact that he wants sex from Sky, but with none of the emotional entanglements, and Sky is very resentful that she has to "take one for the team" as she puts it.

That, and she does not have the relationship with Brook that she wants. She blames me for part of that, and I accept my failings. But for the most part, she blames herself for not accepting Brook's advances, then being upset when Brook stopped advancing. Of course I'm summarizing. Soon I will be able to speak more. But I am not confident anything will be resolved, based on Brook's and Hunter's reaction to her concerns, which they have waved away in the past, which made Sky even more upset.

I made a goodbye tape for Brook today. It was a very sad thing to do. I have never broken up with anybody in my life, and I didn't want things to end this way at all. There were so many things that I wanted to do with her, and my wife wanted to do with her, and the three of us wanted to do together. It's sad to think that none of those things will happen now.
 
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