Thoughts, advice, support

GalaGirl, thank you for your reply. We have talked about things extensively, it just doesn't seem to get us anywhere. I don't understand why he feels a want or need for someone else and he doesn't understand why it bothers me so much. I think I'm just out of ideas on how to bridge the gap.

I don't really think my fear is losing him as much as it is that the limited time we have together is going to decrease in both quantity and quality. I think I'm more afraid of that than anything else, that this is going to drive us apart, not bring us together like he seems to think it will. I feel like if we could just understand each other's point of view, maybe acceptance would be easier, but we just...don't get each other right now.
 
How about skipping "understanding him" for now? And instead focus on "compatible with me or not" instead?

Sometimes it helps to see your info laid out in bullet list style. From your post, I am seeing this... I could be wrong. You correct it ok?

PROS TO ME TRYING A "V" on:
  • I get to be (one of his GFs) rather than his (exGF and friend.)
  • I don't have to break up right now
  • I don't have to start dating to find a new sweetie right now.

CONS TO ME TRYING A "V" on:

  • I am not all that excited about a 3 people V model -- I prefer (2 people max model)
  • I will no longer be the only GF.
  • I will have to share his already limited time.
    • I need X time a week to feel ok.
    • Without splitting his time with another partner or dating to seek another partner, my time need with him is being met/not met as it is.

  • I am concerned that with (decreased amount of time/decreased quality of time) it will lead to a break up eventually.
  • If he's taking up my sweetie slot, I'm not out looking for a more compatible sweetie who wants and enjoys the same model as me.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks GalaGirl, that's helpful.

Things are a little different than what you laid out since we are engaged and planning a wedding, not just dating, but other than that I think a pro/con list could help me at least know what I'm okay with and not okay with. Thank you.
 
Glad it helps some. To me engagement is a time for serious reflection on compatibility. There are two kinds of successful engagements to me:

  • One where the people find they are long haul compatible and move on to a wedding.
  • Or where the people find they are not long haul compatible after all and that spares them the financial and emotional cost of a wedding/divorce.

I am a fan of long engagements. I would not get married til this is sorted out if I were in your shoes.

Galagirl
 
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We are having a long engagement (2 years). This way we have a year before we have to start making decisions about a wedding and that sort of thing.
 
Newbie -

"We have talked about things extensively, it just doesn't seem to get us anywhere."

I'm sorry for your pain. One thought that might help you is to think about how much courage and trust it took your fiance to talk to you in the first place. I don't think you are undervaluing this fact, but consider the alternative of him going behind your back. It seems to me that he doesn't want to hurt you but to include you in his thoughts and desires. That doesn't mean that it works for you -- but value his honesty.

Also, as you consider the thoughts and the ideas that he has expressed to you, you in some ways have to turn off mainstream expectations. On some level, the media and cultural norms dictate what we are willing to accept from our partners, but if we listen with our heart and from a place of compassion, instead of from these outside sources, we can often find peace. And that peace may be a decision either way in your case, but at least it is your own thoughtful and compassionate decision.

These are my thoughts for what they are worth.

Kudos to both of you for working to understand each other. I wish you well!
 
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Sounds like a good letter to me. It is clear without being overbearing.
 
Thank you for taking the time to read it! I've deleted it so I can send it without it being "google-able"

:)
 
I read it and I agree with KDT. I understand your need to take it down and am glad I got to read it. It really hit home for me this morning.
 
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