Thoughts and questions

L

L23

New member
Theory and practice are far often not the same thing. Would like to throw some thoughts out that I may need a reality check/tuning on. Bunches of questions thrown in randomly over next few weeks.

'So and so comes first'
I'm starting to skim through hierarchy and primary/secondary. My 'original relationship' is my highest priority this is an adventure with her and I don't want anything to hurt us. I want that to be solid but at the same time I don't want others to feel like secondary citizens. How do you balance this?

'Unicorn'
I think we are looking for a HBB. But it isn't a unicorn unless there is an expectation for exclusive? A loving triad family idea appeals to me.

How do I know myself (and prove to others) that I'm a genuine poly person and not another guy with a hard-on for a threesome?

Love, communication, respect, trust. It all sounds beautiful but looking for it could be scary as hell.
 
They are called unicorns for a reason. Looking and hoping to find the perfect bi babe who will love and lust for both you and your "primary" while you two enjoy couple privilege... it so rarely happens. Pretty much never. Experienced polyamorists know triads do exist, but only when they happen organically.

It's a fantasy. I tried it with my ex husband, she fell for him, not me, it was a disaster.

It's highly recommended to date separately, and IF your new gf happens to create a bond with your partner, bonus! Or IF her new gf happens to form a bond with you, sweet! But creating a role for someone, a box for her to fit in, it's just not respectful, and usually doesn't work. There are stories of failed triads over the boards; do a tag search for triad or unicorn hunter.
 
I'm a bit confused on what you want. It appears you want a relationship, with you and your current partner as the most important relationship....with a close secondary that dates both of you....but has her own most important relationship(s)?
 
Candied, I'm not sure I know what I want. Trying to formulate what is and is not reasonable. A woman with both of us(which is starting to sound unreasonable), but it isn't fair to expect her to just be with us... though the idea doesn't sound bad either.

Above all else I do not want to ruin my current relationship. My fiancee and I are both polyvirgin, and I suspect there may be some growing pains and difficulties in the transition that another woman would need to be aware of and ready for us to need couple's maintenance.

I'm going back to the drawing board in concept. Personally I consider myself flexible, my fiance is nervous however and meeting her comfort needs is the aim..... Which is tricky. Initially she thought she preffered the idea of a woman she deeply cared for, now she is thinking maybe she would rather try a drunken once off.
 
How to balance primary and secondary is kind of a contradictory question. Since by definition the primary relationship will get more weight than the secondary relationship, the scales will tip toward the primary side and will not be balanced.

Keeping that in mind, it is important to be as sensitive and respectful toward your secondary partner as possible. Don't let them become a mere object in service of your primary relationship, to fit your predesigned mold. Find out what their wants, needs, and situation are, and adapt yourself to those things.

What if your primary partner hits it off with a new woman, but you don't hit it off with that woman? Can you accept your primary partner having an HBB that you have no part in? Can you accept looking for your own HBB if that's the case?

Most unicorn hunters I've encountered have been people who can barely imagine the polyamory that they want to try, and the only way they can try it is if they arm their original relationship with as many powers and privileges as possible. That's nice for the original couple, but not so nice for the HBB that they seek.
 
I don't know if my POV helps you clarify your own any but in case it does...

'So and so comes first'
I'm starting to skim through hierarchy and primary/secondary. My 'original relationship' is my highest priority this is an adventure with her and I don't want anything to hurt us. I want that to be solid but at the same time I don't want others to feel like secondary citizens. How do you balance this?
Click to expand...

You could tell people what your time/attention priorities are in "normal life" mode and in "extraordinary situation" mode are. Then they know what to expect and can decide if they are up for it with you or not ahead of time.

Figure out what model you want to practice together for how long. And that all understand the pros/cons of each, and how you all want it to end when time comes to end it. Like a break up or because it is time to change to a new model or whatever. TALK.

This is not exhaustive because people DIY how they want their open model to be like -- but it helps to look at SOMETHING sometimes:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

If they sign up and feel second class? It was not because you did not gave clear communication from the start. It is because they signed up for something that does not fit their need. Their behavior caused their upset at that point. They could NOT sign up for things that do not fit them.

For example, at this time? My first priority is me and my self care. If I am messed up, I can't help anyone else effectively. Then kids. They are my dependents. After that? My spouse. I have a deeply vested interest in maintaining that relationship in a healthy way.

Does that mean anyone I date is "less than" as a person? No. They have worth, dignity and value. I need to treat them with care and respect.

Does that mean our relationship can be the same as the one I have with my kids or my spouse right from the starting gate? No. Those relationships took time... this one will too.

Over time they can gain more and more access/privileges/more of me. I am happy to "work toward co-primary" if that is a shared want. I'm just not gonna put ya on my will, add you to my checking account, give you keys to my house, and custody of my kids after three dates, three weeks or even three months. YKWIM? Things need TIME to develop, unfold, and build trust. It is not healthy for anyone to leap in too tight too fast.

If there's a problem with adult partners -- I will try to address in order of greatest need. One partner having a flat tire at work stinks, and I'll try to comfort and assist. But if it comes at the same time another partner got run over by a car and needs to go to hospital -- well, triage time then. I will be calling 911 first. AAA after. That is how I handle situations. Greater need first. Don't like the sound of that? Don't sign up here. If it is me with the flat tire and my meta got run over? I expect my spouse (the hinge) to call 911 first! Put the situation of greater need first. I wouldn't take that as me being valued "less." I would take it as "more dire situation comes first."

I think the best way to avoid hurt feelings and "second class" stuff is to make sure that during the dating "get to know you" time you are having real conversations about HOW you want to be together, priorities, time management, and if you have a shared vision for how to poly or not. There's so many ways to "do poly" -- could calibrate to see that you match.

'Unicorn'
I think we are looking for a HBB. But it isn't a unicorn unless there is an expectation for exclusive? A loving triad family idea appeals to me.
Click to expand...

You are free to seek that if that is what you want/expect, and you are clear and up front about you offer with potentials.

But go in knowing that a triad is essentially 3 V's stacked on top of each other.

A duo is relatively simple. This is 2 people wearing 4 hats.

A = self care. partner to B. (2 hats to wear)
B = self care. Partner to A. (2 hats to wear)

A 3 person "V" is more complex: 1 hinge and 2 v-arm partner people, 2 metamour people. This is 3 people wearing 9 hats.

A = self care. partner to B. Partner to C. (3 hats to wear.)
B = self care. partner to hinge A , meta to C. (3 hats to wear.)
C = self care. partner to the hinge A, meta to B. (3 hats to wear.)

A triad consists of 3 hinges, 6 V-arm partner people, 6 metamour people all overlapping. 3 people wearing 15 hats.

A person = self care. partner and meta to B. Partner and meta to C. (5 hats to wear.)
B person = self care. partner and meta to A. Partner and meta to C. (5 hats to wear.)
C person = self care. partner and meta to A, Partner and meta and to B. (5 hats to wear.)

It's more intense and more complicated Polymath to be in a triad than in a V.

http://www.serolynne.com/poly_complex.htm

How do I know myself (and prove to others) that I'm a genuine poly person and not another guy with a hard-on for a threesome?
Click to expand...

Hold off on sex? Deal with the relational aspects first while it's still kisses and hugs?

Love, communication, respect, trust. It all sounds beautiful but looking for it could be scary as hell.
Click to expand...

It's ok to feel scared. Poly is not for everyone. There's a lot more relationships!

How about viewing those things more as behaviors you could be DOING? You could behaving in loving ways, in communicative ways, in respectful ways, in trust building ways. Expect partners to behave similar. Let it sort itself out in the dating "get to know you time."

Not everyone you date will be long haul compatible -- but that's kinda the point to dating. Finding compatibles. It helps to know what you want and what you seek.

I would strongly suggest NOT getting married till you sort all this out. Nothing wrong with a LONG engagement so you are not taking on board two major life changes at the same time. Attempting polyamory is a big change. Marriage is another.

I would strongly suggest your partner hold off on that thought about a drunken one off.

  • What is objectionable about a SOBER one off?
  • Sex share can lead to feelings. She prepared for that? Even if she doesn't -- how to let down a recent lover if THEY go on to develop feelings after sex?
  • Is this about sex share for her like recreational, casual sex? Is she after a swinging model?
  • Or is this about sharing feelings with someone? Some other kind of model?

I suggest you guys figure out what models she is up for, which ones you are up for, and then ask the potential(s) what models they are up for and see what lines up. TALK.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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kdt26417 said:
What if your primary partner hits it off with a new woman, but you don't hit it off with that woman? Can you accept your primary partner having an HBB that you have no part in? Can you accept looking for your own HBB if that's the case?
Click to expand...
I would be ok with that, though I don't know if she would be ok if the situation was switched around.
 
Welcome to the forums! Thee's some really great articles you two should both read *before* you decided to open your relationship, and specifically before you decide to try for the unicorn triad (hint: there's very, very good reasons people are so negative about couples who "hunt" for a HBB poly-fi triad). If you can avoid some common mistakes, everyone will likely be happier. Poly may or may not be right for you and your primary. Or, possibly swinging is a better fit. Or, maybe just staying monogamous. Whatever you do, don't rush. It all sounds so exciting that folks tend to want to jump right in, and that's understandable. But, things go better when more time is taken.

So, try these:

http://www.morethantwo.com/polymistakes.html

http://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq-supplement/
 
Thank you all I'm learning and growing as a person. I don't know what is coming but my fiancee and I's level of communication has grown so much since investigating this curiosity.
 
Here's to better communication!
 
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