Thoughts on behaviour

[whoami]

Hi all,

I have been exploring poly for over a year with my partner, but things have not gone the best. After a failed quad (due to a member of other couple breaking boundaries), she said, "Maybe I don't want poly, just friends," and shrugged. We haven't talked about poly in months.

Our relationship has been tanking for some time, and I did eventually agree to try therapy.

Not long ago, a friend I met on a poly app asked me if I had been to the beach. I was confused since winter was coming. I said no and asked why she asked that. She said that my partner had posted a beach pic on Fetlife.

Now, if either of us are looking at poly contacts on a site like that, we agreed that we would tell the other we are, so we don't find out by accident.

The first months of poly, I caused mistrust because I was trying to protect my partner's feelings and looked sketchy (i.e., I put away my phone out of guilt), so I know communication needs to get better.

When I asked my partner why I would get asked about the beach, she looked at me weird, then rolled her eyes, shook her head and said she was just posting a pic and looking for more friends.

A day later, we have a talk about how much she needs a dom (long story not needed), and how she feels bad about that while we are trying to fix our relationship. I said, you need this, obviously, so go look. Less than day later she's got one she's getting to know, although I have a feeling they had been talking before I found out. I haven't said anything yet, but she has a way of turning shit back on me.

So I want third party advice. Thanks. If more info is needed I can supply it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello whoami,

It sounds like the communication has been lacking between you and your partner, specifically your partner has not been telling you the truth (lies by omission). You need to tell her that she cannot have a healthy relationship with you unless she starts being transparent. And of course double-check your own communication to be sure there is no deception (like there was in the past). I don't know if that is what you needed to hear, perhaps there is other advice you need to receive, if so let me know. I hope you can work things out with your partner.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Hi all, I have been exploring poly for over a year with my partner, but things have not gone the best.

Okay. It sounds like your shared agreement is poly on both sides, where each of you can date other people.

If either of us are looking at poly contacts on a site like that, we agreed that we would tell the other we are so we don't find out by accident.

If both sides can poly date, why is this agreement needed? What is the purpose of that agreement? You don't want to match with the same person and accidentally date the same person? Something else?

Was it a "training wheels" agreement for the first X months of poly dating? Has it been outgrown a year in?

A day later we have a talk about how much she needs a dom (long story not needed), and how she feels bad for that while we are trying to fix our relationship.

Why? What does she feel bad about? If you two are poly dating (including dating for kink), go ahead. Things are gonna happen. One relationship will be fine, another relationship will have problems, or they will all be fine, or all have problems. It is going to vary. You don't stop all the other relationships just to solve the one with a problem. One deals with each relationship separately.

So I said you need this, obviously, so go look. Less than day later she's got one she's getting to know, although I have a feeling they had been talking before I found out.

Was it cheating on your poly agreements for her to look for a dom? Or was kink never discussed, so it was a grey area? You don't like it, but technically she didn't cheat on any agreements, because you didn't think to talk that out yet?

How much do you even care to know about her dating potentials? When is something "newsworthy?" Have you two talked about that?

A lot of potentials don't make it past a couple of dates.

• Maybe you would want to know about sex-health things, if she shared sex with someone else, because that would impact your own health when you had sex with her again.
• Maybe you'd want to know about a potential becoming a regular partner, because that impacts your calendar.
• Maybe you don't need to know about the rest.

What kinds of agreements are needed a year in? What drops? What updates? What new things are needed? Maybe you two want to talk about current agreements, see if they still work and decide what is "newsworthy."

I haven't said anything yet but she has a way of turning shit back on me, so I wanted third party advice. Thanks. If more info is needed, I can supply it.

Is she always like that, defensive, flipping things around on you when you ask questions, or hold her accountable to something? Is that why the relationship has been tanking? Or are there other reasons?

The first months of poly, I caused mistrust because I was trying to protect my partners feelings and looked sketchy (i.e., put away my phone out of guilt), so I know communication needs to get better.

In light of the above, were you really "protecting your partner's feelings" there, or were you protecting YOURSELF from your partner having a blow-up at you, "turning shit back on you"?

If you are both practicing polyamory, and you are not actually on a date with her, what is wrong with you using your phone and whatever apps in your free time? Your free time belongs to you.

Have you been to couple's therapy yet?

Do you still want to be in this relationship? How about her? In case it helps you assess...

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I think GG's advice was great, but I just want to disagree on one thing:

Yes, in established polyamory, if you have, say, two or three relationships going on, some will be going fine and others might be having some problems. So you learn to focus on what you need to do in each relationship: work on the problem in one, enjoy the good times in the others. Every person you are dating gets the appropriate attention needed.

But when you are just opening up, and your marriage/r'ship is in trouble, communication skills aren't great, therapy is just starting-- that's probably not the best time for one or both partners to also try to date others. Indeed, sometimes even in a seemingly great mono relationship, once you open, hidden problems can have a light shone on them and you end up having to deal with those too.

I can't tell from one post why the decision was made to open. Was it really out of love? Or are you two not pleasing each other much at all anymore, and you're using "polyamory" as a Band-Aid, or as a "soft landing," prior to someone taking the courage to actually break up and move on?

 

[GalaGirl]

Whoami, when you say "partner" what relationship is this? Are you two married?

I took it as dating for a year.

GG