Thoughts on Compersion

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NewPolyGuy66

New member
Some days are easier than others in the world of polyamory. Some days, in our open triad, we are all perfectly fine with the others getting out there and getting a little sumthin sumthin. We even joke and kid and share the weiner pics with each other, and say, "Yeah baby, go get that." 😆 And we are all genuinely happy for the other guy. "What ya hunting now, baby?" All pretty damn amazing to be able to share all of this with these guys. We have embraced compersion.

And then, and then, there are the select moments, because it really isn't days anymore, or even time that feels like an eternity, that we sit in discomfort in the pits of our stomachs as they tumble and growl. We feel almost nauseated. Brains work overtime, because certainly a sexy replacement for me or the other guy by some complete stranger with better and bigger parts, or a furrier chest must be happening, I just know it.

And we still sit in the discomfort, maybe sweat a few minutes more, like it's 3 billion degrees. For me, I have found solace in any number of the now prominent polyamory books on my table, or loaded on my phone. I refuse to ask our other guy, "So, have ya heard from him?" Fuck that. That's game playing and kniving and beneath us. We trust him; we're happy for him. He's out there (to paraphrase an awesome mod on here) bangin' dicks. 👍 "Yup, good job, baby." And we will hear all about it, eventually. It was either the best he ever had, or it was just okay and meh. 😆

Here endeth the lesson.
 
Hi NewPolyGuy66,

Compersion is not a 24/7 thing, there are lapses and sometimes even fear/insecurity. It's okay to just sit with that and feel it, it will usually go away once it's been acknowledged. You have to trust your partners that they will always come home to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi NewPolyGuy66,

Compersion is not a 24/7 thing, there are lapses and sometimes even fear/insecurity. It's okay to just sit with that and feel it, it will usually go away once it's been acknowledged. You have to trust your partners that they will always come home to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Yup. I'm learning. We talked awhile later and it's all very good. He's happy, and that is what I have to remember.
 
Yes, that's what compersion's all about: feeling happy because you know your partner feels happy.
 
NewPolyGuy66 said:
Some days are easier than others in the world of polyamory. Some days, in our open triad, we are all perfectly fine with the others getting out there and getting a little sumthin sumthin. We even joke and kid and share the weiner pics with each other, and say, "Yeah baby, go get that." 😆 And we are all genuinely happy for the other guy. "What ya hunting now, baby?" All pretty damn amazing to be able to share all of this with these guys. We have embraced compersion.

And then, and then, there are the select moments, because it really isn't days anymore, or even time that feels like an eternity, that we sit in discomfort in the pits of our stomachs as they tumble and growl. We feel almost nauseated. Brains work overtime, because certainly a sexy replacement for me or the other guy by some complete stranger with better and bigger parts, or a furrier chest must be happening, I just know it.

And we still sit in the discomfort, maybe sweat a few minutes more, like it's 3 billion degrees. For me, I have found solace in any number of the now prominent polyamory books on my table, or loaded on my phone. I refuse to ask our other guy, "So, have ya heard from him?" Fuck that. That's game playing and kniving and beneath us. We trust him; we're happy for him. He's out there (to paraphrase an awesome mod on here) bangin' dicks. 👍 "Yup, good job, baby." And we will hear all about it, eventually. It was either the best he ever had, or it was just okay, and meh. 😆

Here endeth the lesson.
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And now let us sing Hymn 69.

I think you're referring to transitioning from only "playing" as a dyad or triad, and one or the other of you guys going out and having sex with someone else (or group sex with a few people), on their own. I believe you mentioned that was being considered in another thread.

Good for you for wrapping your heads around it.
 
Well, today and this weekend are the biggest tests I've had to date. Both guys are pretty much having a whore fest at their respective weekend get-aways. I'm here working. Lol.

Here's how I feel on the compersion aspects. Guy 1: I'm so totally okay with it, I wanna hear every detail, and I'm genuinely happy and giddy for him. Guy 2: Rock pit in the stomach at the very notion he'd be out there.

We've talked about it. The reason I'm okay with G1 and his adventures is because I bonded to him almost immediately. We've shared a huge part of the sexual, intellectual and emotional components with each other. With G2, yeah... we've shared the sexual stuff, and even some of the emotional stuff, but I've not had that bonding time with him yet. Doesn't mean I care about him any less, at all. We are making our way through this, and some days fukkin suck. Discuss.
 
Good luck with your pending tests. I hope compersion wins the contest. Just sit with your discomfort and let it be what it is. You will feel better in due time.
 
And the story continues. G1 met a married guy last night, did the stuff and the hookup left. Boom. He told me all about it, I gave him the electronic high five, and said I'm happy for you. Compersion success. I am happy he is happy. Again, with G1 I know what's there, inside and out.

Here's where it gets kinda spicy and complicated. G2 chatted with me last night from his separate vacation spot, and we made plans to have a live vid chat today. I was gonna try on some leather gear I bought. Well, this morning came and went. I did my usual, "Good morning. I love you guys" text. No response to me or to G1. 12:30 pm rolls around. Still nothing for either of us. Wtf? This isn't like him. 2:30 pm, he responds with a good morning, I love you too.

I ask him what's going on. Is he OK? He's walking the dog in the woods. I ask, what about our vid chat today? No response. So I send him a few select pics of me in the gear, with the words, I guess this is the best you get today.

I call G1 to see if he's heard from G2. He had. He had told G1 that he was with a hot married guy on a hookup from 9:00 am to 2:00 pm. Wtf? Why couldn't he tell me this when I asked about the vid chat? My feelings were varied here, from a huge fukking rock in my stomach, a bit of FOMO, because recall that I have not yet experienced all the same physical and sexual things that now apparently half this camp has, to why the fuk can't he just tell me? I would have said something clever like, Oh cool, you got a better offer. Yay. Totally missed opportunity to practice compersion. Fuk.

So... yeah, I'm a little pissed off. I called him, no answer. Text him, no answer. I called G1. He's my rock of reason and clarity. He won't ever lie to me, or omit stuff, regardless of whether it's gonna sting. He just said that G2 needs lots of space right now, and that doesn't include him, or me. He said to let him be and he will come around. We shall see. This has showed me a few things.
 
Hi NewPolyGuy,

Sorry to hear about these new bumps in the road that you have hit. It sounds like G2 has some trust issues. He doesn't trust you to hear the truth. It's probably good that G1 is around to offer you some perspective. I don't know what will happen with G2, but I believe that giving G2 the space he needs to figure things out is the right thing to do right now. Don't hold out too many expectations toward G2. He may end up deciding to make some big changes in his life, and we can't predict what those changes are. Ideally, he will decide to trust you more. But be prepared for the worst, just in case.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Sorry to hear about these new bumps in the road that you have hit. It sounds like G2 has some trust issues. He doesn't trust you to hear the truth. It's probably good that G1 is around to offer you some perspective. I don't know what will happen with G2, but I believe that giving him the space he needs to figure things out is the right thing to do right now. Don't hold out too many expectations toward G2. He may end up deciding to make some big changes in his life, and we can't predict what those changes are. Ideally, he will decide to trust you more. But be prepared for the worst, just in case.
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Sadly, that is where he is on his journey. He did call me to talk about it, said he was afraid he would hurt me. I reminded him the reasons why I still have the FOMO with him, and that I don't have the issues with G1. The whole fukking world is tapping what I have not. Lol He did assure me that whatever or whoever he does, it will never change his deep feelings for me. I do actually believe him on that part.
 
We can only hope that in this case, love will be enough. That's something he has to figure out for himself.
 
kdt26417 said:
We can only hope that in this case, love will be enough. That's something he has to figure out for himself.
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Yup. You are correct, and I keep wanting to rescue and save him, and that's just all kinds of whacked-out silliness on my part. Thank you, as always.
 
You're giving us here an interesting perspective into combining polyamory (multi-loves) with casual sex/hooking up.

I can see how, since you're new to both poly and hooking up (it seems), you're having some wobbles. Also, you're trying to do a triad on top of that, which is extremely complicated. With your "hi guys, I love you [both]" texts, which are returned sometimes, and other times not, you are seeing that they aren't a couple-blob. G1 keeps more in touch, and G2 is turning out (for now, at least) to be more of a free spirit. He's responding more fully to his trusted long-term partner. He doesn't trust you to tell you he chose a few hours with another guy, in person, over his planned video chat with you. And that's understandable. He stood you up!

Some people like a bit of planning ahead, and others are very much more spontaneous. This can suck for the planner, especially one with anxious attachment, on top of it. You want reassurance he still loves you, even though he's out, or in bed with this or that Tom, Dick or Harry.

Be aware that early "love" feelings are not love. They are NRE, limerance, infatuation. Love develops over time, with growing trust, showing up for each other in good times and bad. Maybe G2 will turn out not to be the guy for you. Maybe the steadier, more communicative G1 will be more long-term compatible, and G2 will be more of a comet, or a treat, as he comes and goes. Sometimes you two will align and it will be amazing, and other times he'll be on his own agenda, marching to his own drum. Try not to take it personally.

You don't have to do a triad, you know. Most poly people don't do triads.
 
Magdlyn said:
You're giving us here an interesting perspective into combining polyamory (multi-loves) with casual sex/hooking up.

I can see how, since you're new to both poly and hooking up (it seems), you're having some wobbles. Also, you're trying to do a triad on top of that, which is extremely complicated. With your "hi guys, I love you [both]" texts, which are returned sometimes, and other times not, you are seeing that they aren't a couple-blob. G1 keeps more in touch, and G2 is turning out (for now, at least) to be more of a free spirit. He's responding more fully to his trusted long-term partner. He doesn't trust you to tell you he chose a few hours with another guy, in person, over his planned video chat with you. And that's understandable. He stood you up!

Some people like a bit of planning ahead, and others are very much more spontaneous. This can suck for the planner, especially one with anxious attachment, on top of it. You want reassurance he still loves you, even though he's out, or in bed with this or that Tom, Dick or Harry.

Be aware that early "love" feelings are not love. They are NRE, limerance, infatuation. Love develops over time, with growing trust, showing up for each other in good times and bad. Maybe G2 will turn out not to be the guy for you. Maybe the steadier, more communicative G1 will be more long-term compatible, and G2 will be more of a comet, or a treat, as he comes and goes. Sometimes you two will align and it will be amazing, and other times he'll be on his own agenda, marching to his own drum. Try not to take it personally.

You don't have to do a triad, you know. Most poly people don't do triads.
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All of this is very good. It's mostly accurate, and I appreciate the insights, for sure.

G2 is the more spontaneous of all of us. He was the one I actually thought I'd bond to first. 😆 But your words make sense.

G1 and I have both been pleasantly cool with where we are.

I'm going as slowly as I can during this NRE part with G2. Honestly, G2 skipped right over NRE. I think, which may be part of the frustration I have lol. I'm all about experiences and identifying the feelings, etc. My therapist would say, feel it, define it and take steps. He's more like, "This is how I feel. Don't be (insert my emotion). It's all fine." And we talk for 2 hours about it. I don't wanna throw him under the bus, at all. He is attentive, and loving, warm, kind, blah blah. He just is not as in tune to the assurances aspects as G1 is.

Also, I recognize that calling us a triad may not be the most accurate labeling. We have all agreed, however, that we do not need the defined label or some description of what we share.

Thank you. 😊 Stay tuned.
 
The definition of a triad is a relationship of three people, where each member is involved sexually and emotionally with the other. Some kind of balance is expected. There should be no hierarchy, ultimately. Of course, triads often start with an established couple finding a "unicorn."

If a couple finds one partner to share "organically," it generally works better and lasts longer. By organically, I mean, one member of a couple starts dating someone, and over time, that newer partner and their metamour also develop an attraction and feelings for each other and start to date/have sex one-on-one.

Prescriptive triads are where a couple are unicorn hunters and are specifically looking for a "third" to "share," and generally ONLY want threeway sex/dates with the new person. This is usually a recipe for disaster.

In your case, who knows? It seems like you just stumbled onto this couple, long distance, and there was an initial attraction, you for both of them, and each of them for you. But they are different people. Each dyad involved needs its own time to grow. The timeframe will not be identical, because each of these guys is unique. (You might even choose nicknames to use for each here, which will further differentiate them. G1 and G2 make them sound like clone dolls coming off an assembly line lol)

Again, you may become fully involved with G1, as partners, lovers. But perhaps the thing with G2 will be more of FWBs, or even an FB thing, with the attendant lower expectations (even NSA). If G2 so busy with hookups, maybe he doesn't want to "love" you. His NRE was non-existent or fleeting. He's more into the next new thing. Perhaps even G1 finds that unfulfilling, which is why he seeks your more steady company...
 
Magdlyn said:
The definition of a triad is a relationship of three people, where each member is involved sexually and emotionally with the other. Some kind of balance is expected. There should be no hierarchy, ultimately. Of course, triads often start with an established couple finding a "unicorn."

If a couple finds one partner to share "organically," it generally works better and lasts longer. By organically, I mean, one member of a couple starts dating someone, and over time, that newer partner and their metamour also develop an attraction and feelings for each other and start to date/have sex one-on-one.

Prescriptive triads are where a couple are unicorn hunters and are specifically looking for a "third" to "share," and generally ONLY want threeway sex/dates with the new person. This is usually a recipe for disaster.

In your case, who knows? It seems like you just stumbled onto this couple, long distance, and there was an initial attraction, you for both of them, and each of them for you. But they are different people. Each dyad involved needs its own time to grow. The timeframe will not be identical, because each of these guys is unique. (You might even choose nicknames to use for each here, which will further differentiate them. G1 and G2 make them sound like clone dolls coming off an assembly line lol)

Again, you may become fully involved with G1, as partners, lovers. But perhaps the thing with G2 will be more of FWBs, or even an FB thing, with the attendant lower expectations (even NSA). If G2 so busy with hookups, maybe he doesn't want to "love" you. His NRE was non-existent or fleeting. He's more into the next new thing. Perhaps even G1 finds that unfulfilling, which is why he seeks your more steady company...
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Lol. Clones. Oh no, not even close. Good observation on the Leather Bear and Muscle Daddy. G2 and G1.
 
So G1 shall be Muscle Daddy and G2 is Leather Bear?
 
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