Thoughts on this journey

It's so weird being on a forum that both has a community of people sharing vulnerable parts of their lives and supporting each other, and simultaneously has these incredibly cringe "looking for feeeeeemaaaaale" posts from the fuckboiest fuckbois imaginable. It's such a weird dichotomy. 😝
 
I've come up with an expression for the endless series of posts (most on reddit, sometimes on here) I read about people blundering into a new relationship structure they don't want, or think they want but are clearly mistaken, or are trying to cram down their partner's throat (since it's usually people trying to open an existing relationship):

Follyamory

You're welcome. No, really, it's my pleasure. Least I could do.
 
(More thoughts/commentary on relationship distress posts I can't seem to stop reading)

It's truly awful how many people seem to think the worst thing they could possibly do in the world—worse than flipping off an entire basket of kittens—is to ever make another person the slightest bit uncomfortable.

People will accept incredible amounts of pain and distress and yet feel that they aren't entitled to the slightest emotional labour in return.

"My partner started dating this other person and told me they're poly so even though I never agreed to this and I cry myself to sleep every night and I'm too depressed to hold down a job and I have no friends or support system except my partner who now refuses to spend any time with me or kiss me and all I can think about is how disappearing into the howling void behind the stars that awaits us all would be a sweet, sweet relief... I don't want to give my partner an ultimatum or make them think they have to choose me over the other person, so... what can I do????????"

I guess you can die miserable, flesh puppet.

Jesus Fucking Actual Christ! Why are so many of us so programmed to abandon ourselves so completely? It gives me the despair. (On the other hand, it makes me happy I don't abandon myself to this extent... at least I hope I don't!)
 
Whew, needed to get that out of my system. 😇

Meanwhile, I've had a nice Sunday morning — went to get some groceries and ended up also buying a stack of used books, and then found a side table someone was giving away, so I hauled that home. Going to try refinishing it for the outdoors and putting it on my balcony, rather than buy a new one.



Datingrelationshipwise, things are quiet: after our third date, a person I was seeing declined to keep going—we enjoyed each other's company, but there wasn't a romantic connection for her, and that's what she's looking for right now (I reckon she has enough more-casual relationships). Disappointing, but fair enough!

That's also got me thinking about how the process of attraction / connection / chemistry / romance works for me. I don't think I develop a "romantic" connection until there's a sexual one, and I don't develop a sexual one until there's some degree of intellectual/emotional one.

If I wanted a shorthand, perhaps I'm somewhat demisexual and/or demiromantic? I'm not sure. And I don't have a problem with the process I just described — it's good to understand that about myself, and behave accordingly as I date.



There's a second person I may go out with again in a couple weeks if she's feeling better post-some-health-issues. I would guess this could be a FWB sort of thing, which I haven't really done before but like the idea of. We shall see.

Another person I matched with gave me some links to local poly meetups, and I might put the apps away for a while and get myself to go to such things instead. Slowing my roll might do me good; the apps are such dopamine treadmills, and that wears me down.



Finally, I am pretty sure that I'm not sufficiently over Maple to be friends with her, no matter how much I want to be. I'm waiting for her to reply to a message (which is itself an indication to me that I am not able to give her energy right now if she can't give it back), but will probably suggest we reconnect in the new year and see if we want to be friends then.

And then move on, move on, move on. Sand through the hourglass and all that—I'm goddamned exhausted of talking and thinking about this topic. 😆 I'd rather have the mental bandwidth for more creative pursuits.
 
Came across a discussion about "knowing when you're in love" that's got me thinking — in extension to what I mentioned in the post above — about what "love" of various kinds means to me, how I'd define them, and what part that plays in the relationships I build. Worth some pondering and writing about! 🤔
 
Finally, I am pretty sure that I'm not sufficiently over Maple to be friends with her, no matter how much I want to be.
You know, this hasn't turned out to be true. She and I are still friends, we both get a lot of value out of our friendship, and while I still pine now and then for more, I wouldn't give up the good for the occasional discomfort. ❤️

I put the dating apps away, and think I'll keep it that way for a while. I'm looking into my local kink scene, instead; I'd rather pursue connections there that might turn into relationships where I know from day one that we're compatible in that way, as opposed to what I've been doing for years, which is assuming I need to find "vanilla" people to date and then just hope they're amenable to my kinky side.

They mostly have been! Yay! But it's still not quite the same.

Anyway, the biggest shift isn't about kink, but about I'm tired of pursuing relationships, specifically. I want to get back in touch with myself. There's a lot there — frequent therapy calls! Therapy is awesome. In particular, working with the same person for over a year now starts to pay dividends, because they make connections between things that I, already living in my own head 24/7, just don't see.



Last pieces of dating-related news: I mentioned "There's a second person I may go out with again in a couple weeks..." — I did, but she told me before we met up that she had decided to escalate things with someone else she was seeing, so if we hung out it would only be as friends; was I still interested?

I was. I expected this outcome, because we knew from our very first chat that she was pursuing casual dating after ending a long-term relationship, but would ultimately want to be monogamous. I told her straight up: "It sounds like we're not compatible for the long term, but could have fun in the short term. Want to get a drink?" and we proceeded accordingly!

So we got together as planned, as friends, and it was great! We enjoy each other's company, and she ended up taking me to the hardware store (we were both planning to go for different reasons) and advising me what sort of paint I should get. 😂❤️

It is nice to have more friends — in particular, frankly, friends who are women, because I haven't done a great job of maintaining platonic relationships with women in my life, and that's unfortunate. But it's shifting, and that makes me happy.



Finally, I did re-download Hinge yesterday just to see if I had any messages; I've had a couple people who don't seem uninterested, but just take days and days to reply, which doesn't work great for me (ADHD object permanence and all that 😜) but isn't the end of the world. Well, one person did reply, and suggested we make plans. This is someone who says right on her profile she takes a long time to get comfortable with someone, and is apparently very busy with work. It takes her literally weeks to reply to messages, yet she seems genuinely interested when she does. It's so weird, but I guess this is dating on apps in 2024?

Anyway, I'm not in a hurry, and I am not attached to any outcome: I'll meet this person if they want to meet and can actually make and keep a date, and we'll see what happens.

...I had something else I was going to say here, but I've forgotten it. That's enough of an update! I wanted to get some day-job work done this afternoon, and I'm procrastinating. 😂 Have a nice weekend, poly people.
 
Finally, I am pretty sure that I'm not sufficiently over Maple to be friends with her, no matter how much I want to be.
You know, this hasn't turned out to be true. She and I are still friends, we both get a lot of value out of our friendship, and while I still pine now and then for more, I wouldn't give up the good for the occasional discomfort.

Well, I think she broke up with you in April, and it's now July, so the intensity of the romantic relationship has been over for a while, and the emotions around the breakup have had time to settle down. The general experience is it takes at least 40 days of no contact for the dynamic to change. I am glad a friendship is forming.
 
Songs of the night:
  • Radiohead – Creep
  • Lovesong – The Cure
  • Cowgirl in the Sand – Neil Young, but covered by Annie Keating
  • Amy Winehouse – What is it About Men
 
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I put the dating apps away, and think I'll keep it that way for a while. I'm looking into my local kink scene, instead; I'd rather pursue connections there that might turn into relationships where I know from day one that we're compatible in that way, as opposed to what I've been doing for years, which is assuming I need to find "vanilla" people to date and then just hope they're amenable to my kinky side.
I have kind of started to do the same, the challenge I find with both is I dont have the courage to approach. I would also say, I sit in the middle. I am not expressly kinky, but I am not vanilla (I do have one old kinkster friend who believes in the old ways, and calls me vanilla).

Didn't have much luck on feeld? Seems to be a lot of kinksters on there. (I think we are from the same region if memory serves)

Anyway, the biggest shift isn't about kink, but about I'm tired of pursuing relationships, specifically. I want to get back in touch with myself. There's a lot there — frequent therapy calls! Therapy is awesome. In particular, working with the same person for over a year now starts to pay dividends, because they make connections between things that I, already living in my own head 24/7, just don't see.
Knowing yourself and your needs, important :)... I am dealing with loneliness during those times my two folks are busy. Also a bit of loneliness because I dont see a path to finding another.

I do love therapy, it has helped with much. :)



It is nice to have more friends — in particular, frankly, friends who are women, because I haven't done a great job of maintaining platonic relationships with women in my life, and that's unfortunate. But it's shifting, and that makes me happy.

As an extrovert who lived in whistler and always had friends (man or woman) to go out with anytime I wanted. I am struggling with the friendship circle I have today. Friends are foundational to well being.

Happy saturday, good to read through some of your stuff.
 
Maybe I am mis-remembering but I think we are from the same region. Have you tried joining either of the two local poly groups? Various meetups could mean meeting more folks. :)
 
Maybe I am mis-remembering but I think we are from the same region. Have you tried joining either of the two local poly groups? Various meetups could mean meeting more folks. :)
Hey! You are not mis-remembering; I live in Vancouver. No, I haven't tried joining the local groups, I would like to. There was a beach meetup a few weeks ago that I was going to attend, but didn't.

I think you and I have opposite versions of a similar problem: You're extroverted and lonely (pardon the reductiveness), I'm introverted and like being by myself, but when I do want to meet people it's a challenge to go hang out in the so-called "outside world" with so-called "other humans". :ROFLMAO:

Didn't have much luck on feeld?
Ah, actually that's the one app I've meant to try but haven't yet. When I feel like swiping on people again that'll probably be my go-to.

I have kind of started to do the same, the challenge I find with both is I dont have the courage to approach.
I hear you. I've rarely been able to "approach" someone with the intention of, like, asking them on a date—the so-called "cold approach". ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But I think my goal in going to events will be merely meeting a community of people. If any of those connections blossom into something more intimate, great; I'll pursue that when it appears.

I'm thinking about what I wrote here, where the process of dating feels a lot enjoyable the less urgently we desire to be in a relationship.
 
Hey! You are not mis-remembering; I live in Vancouver. No, I haven't tried joining the local groups, I would like to. There was a beach meetup a few weeks ago that I was going to attend, but didn't.
Vanpoly is a solid group lots of members, pretty regular social groups. They have an event coming up at Trout lake on July 28.

Details
July 28, 2024 - 1 pm - 5 pm
Trout Lake
This 19+ event is BYO food and drinks. Follow carry-in/carry-out practices to keep our parks clean.
The exact location at the park will be posted on our FB/IG by 1 pm.

I am in the fraser valley so actually belong to both. Although the events are usually one of the few times I get date nights with my currents so I dont make many. The valley is almost exclusively kinky/poly ven mergers.
I think you and I have opposite versions of a similar problem: You're extroverted and lonely (pardon the reductiveness),
Precise and accurate, you are good. At this stage I feel like I am in a weird forced introversion caused by an inability to find like minded folks (or folks who accept and embrace different)

I'm introverted and like being by myself, but when I do want to meet people it's a challenge to go hang out in the so-called "outside world" with so-called "other humans". :ROFLMAO:
I have my moments, I mountain bike (heading on ride now) being alone, its my time to reset the brain. Partially tied to self esteem in regards to riding with folks better than me, but lone wolf sounds better.
Ah, actually that's the one app I've meant to try but haven't yet. When I feel like swiping on people again that'll probably be my go-to.
I have heard good things. Been on it a bit, but no connections. I think its almost exclusively paid for, LOTS of people in your area haha

I hear you. I've rarely been able to "approach" someone with the intention of, like, asking them on a date—the so-called "cold approach". ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But I think my goal in going to events will be merely meeting a community of people. If any of those connections blossom into something more intimate, great; I'll pursue that when it appears.
I was better in person, when I could read the room. I have been online since pre-html and I still can't figure out how to read a message and accept it for a flirt.. unless they simply say "wanna fuck". I never assume interest.
 
The exact location at the park will be posted on our FB/IG
I will say one thing that makes me sad is how many poly groups seem to be on Facebook. It is non-trivial to interact with such groups without all your connections seeing it, and I have no desire to inform, like, my mom that I'm pursuing polyamory via Zuckerberg.

Could we at least get on Discord or something?? smh 😆
 
I will say one thing that makes me sad is how many poly groups seem to be on Facebook. It is non-trivial to interact with such groups without all your connections seeing it, and I have no desire to inform, like, my mom that I'm pursuing polyamory via Zuckerberg.

Could we at least get on Discord or something?? smh 😆
Fraser valley poly has a discord. I can send you the link.
 
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