Three people living together

J

jewelz

New member
So many people gave me some good advice last time, so I'm back for some more.

Our poly is new to us. We are all taking it very slow. But this morning the other female part of our group seemed very upset. She lives in our house, but has her own space.

How do you bring up sensitive subjects? I want to ask her if hubby and me having sex bothers her, but just not sure how in the world to bring something like that up. She is the one I used to talk with about things like this, and now I'm not sure that I can. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable with him and me just because we are having sex and she is not.

Like I said, this is a slow going thing between the three of us.

Any ideas and help would be great.
 
I might ask her if there's anything about the living arrangement that's bothering her, and if so, does she want to talk about it. That way, you aren't mentioning a potentially uncomfortable subject specifically, and you're opening the door communication-wise.
 
jewelz said:
I don't want her to feel uncomfortable with him and I just because we are having sex and she is not.
Click to expand...

Why isn't she having sex with him? Is she on her period or something? It might not be that you are and she isn't, also. Maybe she just feels awkward hearing it; in which case, if you've invited her to live with you, it's probably good manners to be quiet, or have sex when she isn't around.
 
PolyinPractice said:
Why isn't she having sex with him? Is she on her period or something? It might not be that you are and she isn't, also. Maybe she just feels awkward hearing it; in which case, if you've invited her to live with you, it's probably good manners to be quiet, or have sex when she isn't around.
Click to expand...

Maybe it wasn't her night. You don't have to be noisy for people to assume you are having sex, like at bedtime, for instance

OP, if it were me, I wouldn't bring it up. If you are involved in a poly relationship, then dealing with your partner having sex with others is something you just have to get over. I think going to her would set a precedent. When she has an issue she wants to talk about, she'll come around.
 
PolyinPractice said:
Maybe. I feel like this is the kind of thing that should be discussed before moving in together.
Click to expand...

It should be discussed, but discussing it doesn't mean you aren't going to have emotions about it. Theoretical acceptance often doesn't pan out to automatically feeling acceptance when you experience the situation.
 
But this morning the other female part of our group seemed very upset. She lives in our house, but has her own space. How do you bring up sensitive subjects?
Click to expand...

How about asking her something like: "You seem upset this morning. Are you doing ok? Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Keep it simple. Open the door to discussion, but let her own it. If she wants to talk, she can. If not, not.
 
And I prefer a schedule. Although things get shifted at times to accommodate special events, etc., it keeps things fair to everyone and it also gives me the stability I need.
 
He and she don't have sex. They care for each other, but none of us are ready for that step at this point.

She is my best friend of 16 years, and about 2 years ago needed a place to live. That's why she lives in our home.

All three of us are taking things slow. No one wants to rush into anything and have it go sideways.
 
jewelz said:
He and she don't have sex. They care for each other, but none of us are ready for that step at this point.
She is my best friend of 16 years, and about 2 years ago needed a place to live. That's why she lives in our home.
All three of us are taking things slow. No one wants to rush into anything and have it go sideways.
Click to expand...

Hmm... It's a bit unfair for you to not let her have sex with him, when you are. But since she did invite herself into your place, knowing she had to ease into the relationship, some unfairness on your part is not unreasonable.

Still, it's kind of on you on what kind of relationship you want with her. Do you want her to feel warm and welcome? Restraining sex on your part is a nice thing to do. Do you want to establish your place as secure and first? You can make it very clear that you are the primary in the household.
 
jewelz said:
He and she don't have sex. They care for each other, but none of us are ready for that step at this point.
Click to expand...
PolyinPractice said:
It's a bit unfair for you to not let her have sex with him, when you are.
Click to expand...

PolyinPractice, just to clarify what the OP explicitly stated, unless there is a convo you are aware of which I'm missing, these folks have all agreed on their situation.

This would seem to be nothing more than a discussion about manners in a multi-member household.
 
Can I ask, are the three of you anticipating that she and hubby will eventually have sex, just not yet?

If so, then, do you have a timetable in mind for when she'll start having sex with him? I know that probably sounds like a weird question, but.

Does *she* want a timetable for that? If you have a timetable is it possible she wants it changed (e.g. to a sooner date)?

You could have a three-person sit-down and discuss "the elephant in the room;" that is, the fact that she's not (yet) having sex with hubby. Perhaps ask her if ... well, if she would like to. And how soon.

How much are *you* ready for at this point? Do you feel up to talking about her and hubby having sex as an (eventual? immediate?) possibility?

I know I'm full of questions and not yet giving many answers, but bear with me and I think I'll get more ideas as I come to understand the situation better.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I know that she has said something about at some point maybe having sex with him. There is no timetable. I don't know how I feel about it right now, to be honest. I know that he is not looking for it at this point.

The main thing right now is that the three of us are trying to get back to being friends and then going from there. It's one of those things that no one wants to rush. I, for one, don't like to be pushed into anything I'm not ready for. So a lot of this is based on me being comfortable.

I hope that this has helped with some of your questions.
 
Thanks for indulging my questions, that does help. So at this point, none of you are in a hurry to take any big steps, you are just working on being friends.

She knows you and your husband are going to have sex, so I wouldn't think she'd have a problem with that (especially if she voluntarily moved into your home). I wouldn't bring it up specifically, but you could mention to her that you hope you can be there for her whenever she has a concern she needs to air.

Do you guys have regular (three-adult) sit-downs, to check up on each other's feelings, needs, wants, and whatnot? If not, I would suggest that you do. Perhaps once a week. Probably at least once a month. If at some point anything needs renegotiating, a regular sit-down would help to bring that about. Plus a sit-down is a chance to keep everyone on the same page and keep working together as a team. And a chance for everyone to express themselves and be heard.

Do the three of you do fun things together as friends, outings or whatever? That would be a nice thing to do. Fun outings just for you and the other gal (shopping, girl's night out, whatever) would probably be especially helpful, give it a try if you're not doing it already.

Okay, I still asked two questions, but last time I asked eight, so I'm improving. :)
 
Lol. Yes, much better with the questions this time.

We all play cards together, or play on the PS3. We haven't gone out as a group in a while.

Every now and again, she and I go out. It is slow going, but we are working on it. Like I said in my first post, things were rough for a while. But we are slowly getting things together. She and I used to have date nights a couple times a month.

I think the reason the three of us don't go out anymore because no one wants to feel like the third wheel, or left out in any way.
 
Well going out in dyads is still okay ...

  • you and him,
  • you and her,
  • him and her.
You can go back to three-person outings when you're feeling more comfortable about it.

Hey, even watching a TV show together can be fun. My V is having fun watching "Orange Is the New Black."

Taking it slow is usually a good strategy and you will probably come out okay.
 
That's what normally happens: me and him, or me and her. Not sure how much they have gone out together. Most times they just talk at the house.

Everything that we are doing and going through right now is based on how comfortable I am. So for me right now, it's just slow going. We take everything one day at a time.
 
That works.

I hope we answered your question too! It seems that taking little bites is the key word.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top