Throuple may end in breakup

[dcperson]

I’m a 30-something year old gay man who has been dating my primary partner (Brian) for 6 years. He is my first serious relationship. We have been open for three years.

I met our new partner (Aaron) in June during Pride Month. Brian had already been seeing Aaron regularly. I felt an instant connection to Aaron. We share similar interests, communication style, emotional intelligence, and more.

Brian and I got engaged in July, as we had planned. Aaron was happy for us.

In the months following our engagement, Brian and I developed a much closer relationship with Aaron. Around October, when the three of us attended a gay wedding, my feelings about Aaron and the implications for my relationship with Brian started feeling very intense. They forced me to reckon with things I’d been missing from my relationship with Brian, mostly around Brian’s emotional regulation and how he treats me during times of stress and arguments. (We have a history of heated arguments that have weighed heavily on me. After many of these fights, most recently in August, I told him I wanted space because I felt unsafe and triggered, and I accepted his apologies, which I felt were sincere.)

I have shared these difficult feelings with Brian, and he has listened. I witnessed more change in him than I ever had before, even after he (and I) started seeing a therapist at my request. This growth spurred by our relationship with Aaron further developed my feelings for Aaron.

In mid November, during a trip with Brian, as I continued to deal with my intense feelings for Aaron, Brian started exhibiting more controlling behavior (like monitoring and quizzing me, accusing me of lying). I told Brian I was still struggling with our relationship history, and in the resulting conversation (in which he accused me of emotional abuse) we broke up for the span of an evening.

Brian and I patched things up. We shared more time with Aaron, who seemed to be paying me more attention, perhaps because he could sense my need for connection and stability. This left Brian feeling left out. I should have done better to acknowledge Brian's feelings. I acknowledged and apologized for failing to be more inclusive in that moment.

Brian asked for space from Aaron during Thanksgiving holiday, where our parents were meeting for the first time. I reduced my contact, however we both continued to text Aaron on the same thread, and when I initiated some of these messages, Brian expressed frustration with me for not prioritizing him.

After Brian and I returned home, I messaged Aaron privately, out of my desire for more connection and time together. (Brian has shared lots of private time with Aaron, but I have only ever been with Aaron intimately when all three of us are together.) I told Brian about my messages, which were not against our rules but which were done too quickly (we have a full disclosure/transparency policy regarding contacting others). In the resulting conversation, in an emotional state, Brian made a comment about my family that I found deeply hurtful.

I feel I have reached my limit and need to end things with Brian. I feel guilty for making Brian feel left out and de-prioritized after so many years together. I feel unsure if I am simply lost in 'new relationship energy.' I feel horrible for coming to this point without sharing an emotional conversation with Aaron, who is mostly clueless about this. I feel scared about an uncertain and painful next few months. I feel I need time alone, for myself, even if that means time away from both partners.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry. FWIW, I think you have many reasons to break up with Brian.

• You got together at 24 yrs old. Brian was your first serious relationship.
  • Usually the first young adult relationship is also the first big break up. There are a lot of changes and growth in that time. Who we are as late teens/early 20s is not who we are in the 30s, 40s, 50s and so on.
• Brian struggles with emotional regulation/healthy conflict resolution. You have a history of heated arguments that leave you feeling unsafe and triggered.
  • Brian treats you poorly during times of stress and arguments.
  • Brian struggles with controlling behavior like monitoring and quizzing you, accusing you of lying, and accusing you of emotional abuse.
  • He does insincere apologies.
• Brian also struggles with both of you dating Aaron in a triad. It's not the easiest model for poly newbies to start out in, either.
• While Brian has started seeing a counselor for his issues and there's been some progress, it might be a case of "too little, too late" for you.
  • Like, it's great for Brian and his future relationships if he continues and can eventually get it better together.
  • But for you, even if he's changing, it's just been too much. You are done and don't want to do this anymore.

I think you could end it with both of them. You sound like you have outgrown Brian, and kinda knew it, even before Aaron.

You really haven't been dating Aaron long, just since summer. It sounds like trio dating too -- (you + Brian + Aaron) so Brian can feel like a big shot with two partners doting on him.

It wasn't

• You + Brian
• Brian + Aaron
• Aaron + You
• Only sometimes (you + Brian + Aaron) or not at all til the separate 1:1 dyads were solid.

Brian doesn't like you and Aaron actually getting close, from the sound of it.

To keep dating Aaron while he dates your soon-to-be-ex Brian, makes things harder on everyone. And then you'd have your ex Brian as your current metamour, while ending things with both would let you be totally free of Brian.

So, consider a clean break with both of them, so you can fully heal, and then start fresh when ready to date again.

The engagement period is the time to do the work to see if a couple is actually compatible for marriage. It's disappointing to find out that you and Brian are not actually compatible for marriage, but it beats floating along into a wonky marriage and then following that with a wonky divorce. Spare yourself the financial, emotional, and mental costs by being decisive about it now.

If you want to break up with Brian? End it. Be okay being a grieving person. It is normal for breakups to come with some grief to process. Brian was a big part of your life. But you still end it because it's just not working anymore. Don't drag things out.

I feel horrible for coming to this point without sharing an emotional conversation with Aaron, who is mostly clueless about this.

(You + Brian) breaking up is not any of Aaron's responsibility. But poly dating has a way of shining a light on all the cracks that were already there.

It's not appropriate to lean on Aaron, because he is inside the dating system. Talk to your other friends, family, or a counselor who are outside the dating system and could be impartial. Aaron can't be impartial.

You can let Aaron know once you've broke up with Brian.

After Brian and I returned home, I messaged Aaron privately, out of my desire for more connection and time together. (Brian has shared lots of private time with Aaron, but I have only ever been with Aaron intimately when all three of us are together.)

In all this time, it does not sound like either you nor Aaron put a huge effort in developing a 1:1 dyad, or telling Brian "Hey, group sex is fun and all, but we need our own dyad time."

So it might be easier to just call it here and not pursue Aaron any more, nor deal with Brian as a metamour.

I feel unsure if I am simply lost in 'new relationship energy.'

It might be NRE. I also wonder if you got so latched on to Aaron because he actually treated you nicely? And that's been missing here with Brian? You've been kinda lonely/hungry for decent treatment from a partner, so any new dating partner treating you nicely would have fallen like rain in the desert?

I feel scared about an uncertain and painful next few months.

It's okay to feel scared about contemplating big changes. You might consider talking to a counselor so you have some professional support. Maybe this helps you find one.

www.polyfriendly.org

I feel I need time alone, for myself, even if that means time away from both partners.

I think that would be a good idea.

I feel guilty for making Brian feel left out and de-prioritized after so many years together.

I find it interesting you feel bad about wanting 1:1 time with your dating partner Aaron, when it is natural to want time alone with each partner.

You don't feel annoyed that Brian insists on turning your 1:1 dates with Aaron into group dates where Brian tags along? Does Aaron not complain about this? Do you?

Is Brian wanting to be like a "King Bee" person that you and Aaron are supposed to revolve around?

• Brian gets dates alone with you.
• Brian gets dates alone with Aaron.
• Brian gets group dates where you and Aaron both dote on Brian.
• You are Aaron aren't supposed to have time alone because then Brian isn't being centered.

Is that how this triad works? Is this fun for you?

Galagirl

 

[dcperson]

Thank you Galagirl, this is very helpful. Thank you for the encouragement. Brian has repeatedly expressed support for my 1:1 time with Aaron, but his attitude around my feelings for him did make it difficult to arrange. Most recently, when we were discussing 1:1 time, Brian proposed that we ask Aaron together so we could each arrange 1:1 time, which I didn't like because it seemed like Brian needed to control the situation. I'm also interested by your interpretation that Brian is the one who enjoys having two people doting on him, which I haven't fully considered. I have been more worried that Aaron is that person, since he's still seeing other people (to be fair, we haven't asked him to be closed with us) and I fear he is a tourist in our relationship.

 

[GalaGirl]

Brian has repeatedly expressed support for my 1:1 time with Aaron, but his attitude around my feelings for him did make it difficult to arrange.

When you say "his" and "him" there do you mean Brian or Aaron?

Like Brian has some kind of attitude around your feelings for Aaron? Or did you mean something else?

Most recently, when we were discussing 1:1 time, Brian proposed that we ask Aaron together so we could each arrange 1:1 time, which I didn't like because it seemed like Brian needed to control the situation.

But why are you even discussing it with Brian? If you and Brian have regular dates this semester on Tues and Fridays, can't you just ask Aaron out on your own? If you are free on Saturday and want to ask Aaron to lunch, you just... do it?

And if Brian is free on Sunday, he just asks Aaron out on his own?

Why do you and Brian have to ask Aaron out together at the same time, like you and Brian are joined at the hip? Or like Brian wants to make sure you aren't getting more than he gets? Aaron isn't cookies. You aren't children.

I'm also interested by your interpretation that Brian is the one who enjoys having two people doting on him, which I haven't fully considered. I have been more worried that Aaron is that person, since he's still seeing other people (to be fair, we haven't asked him to be closed with us) and I fear he is a tourist in our relationship.

Why would you ask Aaron to be closed to just you two this early on, rather than each of you dating other people separately, since this is polyamory? If people want to be closed, that's their deal, but it's not like commitments in polyamory are based only on being exclusive.

Even people seeking monogamy don't ask other people to "go steady" from the start. They have to spend some time together first, getting to know each other. Why rush it in monogamy or in polyamory?

Why do you mean Aaron might be "a tourist in our relationship?" Aaron is not a part of the (you + Brian) dyad.

There is

• You + Brian
• Brian + Aaron
• You + Aaron
• Aaron + whoever else Aaron dates
• You + whoever else you date
• Brian + whoever else Brian dates.

If it turns out Aaron is not compatible with you? Aaron wants "casual dating," and you call that "being a tourist," where you want something more long term and more serious? You just break up politely because you two want different things, like you would in any other dating.

Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. If you all consent to share casual group sex, that's a separate thing of its own. It that what you mean by "tourist"? Aaron is just here for the causal group sex and doesn't want to actually date?

Some people want group sex and polyamory. Some only want casual group sex. Some want only polyamory. It is part of sorting out compatibility. So sort it out.

I don't know how to say this nicer. I mean it kindly, okay?

I wonder if you are Brian have been too "CoupleBlob" this whole time, since you got together so young. All "we" this and "we" that, so it sounds "our normal" to be doing things so joined at the hip, like asking Aaron out together for single dates, rather than letting each dyad function on its own. You ask Aaron out. Brian asks Aaron out. SEPARATE.

Maybe you are outgrowing that sort of dynamic with Brian and becoming more of your own person? Maybe you are realizing that it might be "our usual" but others don't operate that way? And Brian is either actually controlling, or seems like it, because Brian is so latched onto you, like you are Brian's security blanket?

People are still individual people even if they date and are sometimes a part of a couple. The goal is not some kind of joined at the hip enmeshment or codependence, for all that movies and books go on about that sort of thing. "Our hearts beat as one" and such makes for good fiction and plot devices, but it's not any way to live real life.

(You + Brian) aren't the only couple in town any more. There are other dyads here.

I know you are thinking breaking up with Brian, but if you choose to continue to poly-date later on, you might look up "couple's privilege"--acting like the "original couple" has to be central, and everyone else has to revolve around that. It causes a lot of problems.

GG

 

[dcperson]

Thank you, Galagirl. To answer your initial question, by "his" I meant Brian. More specifically, while he initially encouraged my 1:1 time with Aaron, things changed when things started moving too quickly for his comfort, i.e., when he witnessed Aaron express some preference for me during triad together time, and also following our brief breakup, which was entangled with my feelings for Aaron. After these things, he started expressing frustration, the need for space from Aaron to focus on us, and the feeling of being left out.

I think you are completely right about the "CoupleBlob" thing. That's how Brian and I operated when we were just an open couple. We shared every important communication with each other, and informed the other prior to any date or hookup. Sometimes I appreciated this, but many times it resulted in Brian reading my conversations and making me feel monitored. The dynamic has not translated well into the triad with Aaron.

If we do not break up, I think the solution is more autonomy and more space, so I can feel more independent to explore new feelings and relationships.

 

[XTremeMeow]

I’m a 30-something year old gay man who has been dating my primary partner (Brian) for 6 years. He is my first serious relationship. We have been open for three years.

I met our new partner (Aaron) in June during Pride Month. Brian had already been seeing Aaron regularly. I felt an instant connection to Aaron. We share similar interests, communication style, emotional intelligence, and more.

Brian and I got engaged in July, as we had planned. Aaron was happy for us.

In the months following our engagement, Brian and I developed a much closer relationship with Aaron. Around October, when the three of us attended a gay wedding, my feelings about Aaron and the implications for my relationship with Brian started feeling very intense. They forced me to reckon with things I’d been missing from my relationship with Brian, mostly around Brian’s emotional regulation and how he treats me during times of stress and arguments. (We have a history of heated arguments that have weighed heavily on me. After many of these fights, most recently in August, I told him I wanted space because I felt unsafe and triggered, and I accepted his apologies, which I felt were sincere.)

I have shared these difficult feelings with Brian, and he has listened. I witnessed more change in him than I ever had before, even after he (and I) started seeing a therapist at my request. This growth spurred by our relationship with Aaron further developed my feelings for Aaron.

In mid November, during a trip with Brian, as I continued to deal with my intense feelings for Aaron, Brian started exhibiting more controlling behavior (like monitoring and quizzing me, accusing me of lying). I told Brian I was still struggling with our relationship history, and in the resulting conversation (in which he accused me of emotional abuse) we broke up for the span of an evening.

Brian and I patched things up. We shared more time with Aaron, who seemed to be paying me more attention, perhaps because he could sense my need for connection and stability. This left Brian feeling left out. I should have done better to acknowledge Brian's feelings. I acknowledged and apologized for failing to be more inclusive in that moment.

Brian asked for space from Aaron during Thanksgiving holiday, where our parents were meeting for the first time. I reduced my contact, however we both continued to text Aaron on the same thread, and when I initiated some of these messages, Brian expressed frustration with me for not prioritizing him.

After Brian and I returned home, I messaged Aaron privately, out of my desire for more connection and time together. (Brian has shared lots of private time with Aaron, but I have only ever been with Aaron intimately when all three of us are together.) I told Brian about my messages, which were not against our rules but which were done too quickly (we have a full disclosure/transparency policy regarding contacting others). In the resulting conversation, in an emotional state, Brian made a comment about my family that I found deeply hurtful.

I feel I have reached my limit and need to end things with Brian. I feel guilty for making Brian feel left out and de-prioritized after so many years together. I feel unsure if I am simply lost in 'new relationship energy.' I feel horrible for coming to this point without sharing an emotional conversation with Aaron, who is mostly clueless about this. I feel scared about an uncertain and painful next few months. I feel I need time alone, for myself, even if that means time away from both partners.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

Hey, thank you for sharing all of this. Even though we don’t know each other, I want to acknowledge how much emotional weight you’ve been carrying. What you wrote shows a lot of self-awareness, honesty, and care for everyone involved. None of this is simple, and the fact that you’re questioning yourself and trying to act with integrity already says a lot about your character.

From the outside, a few things stand out:
1. Your feelings are valid, both the connection with Aaron and the exhaustion with the cycles you’ve had with Brian.
Long-term patterns around conflict, emotional regulation, and feeling unsafe don’t just disappear, even when someone is trying to grow. It makes sense that the contrast with your connection to Aaron brings those unresolved needs into clearer focus.

2. What you’re describing doesn’t feel like “just” new relationship energy.
Yes, NRE can intensify things, but the concerns you have about Brian existed long before Aaron. The new relationship may just be highlighting needs that weren’t being met and patterns that have been painful for a long time.

3. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
You’re empathic. You don’t want to hurt someone you’ve loved for years. But caring about Brian doesn’t obligate you to stay in a dynamic that feels emotionally unsafe or draining for you.

4. It’s okay to need space, even from both partners, to hear yourself clearly.
Wanting time alone isn’t selfish. It’s grounding. When there’s a lot of emotion and triangulation happening, stepping back can be the most responsible choice, especially if you feel at your limit.

5. You don’t owe Aaron a fully formed plan before you talk to him.
If you decide to step away or end things with Brian, you can talk to Aaron gently and honestly: not to place expectations on him, but simply to share what’s happening and where you are emotionally. It’s okay if that conversation is imperfect, what matters is clarity and respect.

6. Whatever decision you make, you’re not a villain.
Relationships evolve. Needs change. Wanting emotional safety and compatibility is not a betrayal. And ending or restructuring a relationship doesn’t erase the love or the history, jt just acknowledges reality.
Ultimately, you sound like someone trying to move toward honesty and stability, not away from it. If taking space or ending the relationship with Brian is what you need to feel safe and whole, that is a legitimate and understandable choice.

I’m wishing you clarity, gentleness with yourself, and support through whatever comes next.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sometimes I appreciated this, but many times it resulted in Brian reading my conversations and making me feel monitored.

Why does Brian even have the passcode to your devices? Change your passwords. Ask him to change his.

If we do not break up, I think the solution is more autonomy and more space, so I can feel more independent to explore new feelings and relationships.

No. Even if you reclaim your autonomy and stop being so CoupleBlob on your side, if you two even stop living together so both are more independent, that is only part of the story.

Doing those things on your side doesn't mean Brian got better with his emotional regulation, learned how to do healthy conflict resolution, stopped treating you poorly during times of stress and arguments, learned to do real apologies, etc., on Brian's side of things.

You might consider www.coda.org resources if that applies here.

I wonder if you are in anticipatory grief -- specifically the bargaining stage? Like you kinda know this is likely a break-up, but are trying to find a way to avoid it and make it work anyway?

Maybe it's okay to let this go for now.

If you and Brian want to get back together later on, after a year or two apart, if both are doing polyamory, nothing stops you from getting back together if you both want that.

That might be better. It would give you each time to detangle from the old CoupleBlob habits. Both would get to mature some, do their personal work, see more of life and the world, date other people, etc.

Then see if "New You" and "New Brian" can make a go of it, or not, at that future point in time.

GG

 

[dcperson]

Hey, thank you for sharing all of this. Even though we don’t know each other, I want to acknowledge how much emotional weight you’ve been carrying. What you wrote shows a lot of self-awareness, honesty, and care for everyone involved. None of this is simple, and the fact that you’re questioning yourself and trying to act with integrity already says a lot about your character.

From the outside, a few things stand out:
1. Your feelings are valid, both the connection with Aaron and the exhaustion with the cycles you’ve had with Brian.
Long-term patterns around conflict, emotional regulation, and feeling unsafe don’t just disappear, even when someone is trying to grow. It makes sense that the contrast with your connection to Aaron brings those unresolved needs into clearer focus.

2. What you’re describing doesn’t feel like “just” new relationship energy.
Yes, NRE can intensify things, but the concerns you have about Brian existed long before Aaron. The new relationship may just be highlighting needs that weren’t being met and patterns that have been painful for a long time.

3. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
You’re empathic. You don’t want to hurt someone you’ve loved for years. But caring about Brian doesn’t obligate you to stay in a dynamic that feels emotionally unsafe or draining for you.

4. It’s okay to need space, even from both partners, to hear yourself clearly.
Wanting time alone isn’t selfish. It’s grounding. When there’s a lot of emotion and triangulation happening, stepping back can be the most responsible choice, especially if you feel at your limit.

5. You don’t owe Aaron a fully formed plan before you talk to him.
If you decide to step away or end things with Brian, you can talk to Aaron gently and honestly: not to place expectations on him, but simply to share what’s happening and where you are emotionally. It’s okay if that conversation is imperfect, what matters is clarity and respect.

6. Whatever decision you make, you’re not a villain.
Relationships evolve. Needs change. Wanting emotional safety and compatibility is not a betrayal. And ending or restructuring a relationship doesn’t erase the love or the history, jt just acknowledges reality.
Ultimately, you sound like someone trying to move toward honesty and stability, not away from it. If taking space or ending the relationship with Brian is what you need to feel safe and whole, that is a legitimate and understandable choice.

I’m wishing you clarity, gentleness with yourself, and support through whatever comes next.

Thank you so much. Your message really comforts me. It's very hard to imagine a new life apart from Brian, and likely Aaron also. I'm not even sure that's what I want. There is a part of me that wants to try continuing as a triad on more equal footing, with more independence among all three people. At the very least I know that in this moment, I need space, and I am focusing on that. Thanks again.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello dcperson,

One thing I would suggest, is postponing your pending marriage to Brian indefinitely. I don't know if you and Brian will break up, but you might and that would be much more complicated if it involved a divorce. In the meantime, you and Brian need to keep seeing the couple's counselor, to at least find out if it's even possible to settle your differences. I can see that the two of you have hurt each other at various times. You need to figure out whether you can forgive each other, and whether you can move forward with improved behaviors on both sides. As for Aaron, he hasn't done anything wrong, so I would hesitate about putting distance between you and him. But, I guess depending on how bad things are/become between you and Brian, you might have to. Tough judgment call.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[dcperson]

Why does Brian even have the passcode to your devices? Change your passwords. Ask him to change his.

Even if you reclaim your autonomy and stop being so CoupleBlob on your side, if you two even stop living together so both are more independent, that is only part of the story.

Doing those things on your side doesn't mean Brian got better with his emotional regulation, learned how to do healthy conflict resolution, stopped treating you poorly during times of stress and arguments, learned to do real apologies, etc., on Brian's side of things.

You might consider www.coda.org resources if that applies here.

I wonder if you are in anticipatory grief -- specifically the bargaining stage? Like you kinda know this is likely a break-up, but are trying to find a way to avoid it and make it work anyway?

Maybe it's okay to let this go for now.

If you and Brian want to get back together later on, after a year or two apart, if both are doing polyamory, nothing stops you from getting back together, if you both want that.

That might be better. It would give you each time to detangle from the old CoupleBlob habits. Both would get to mature some, do their personal work, see more of life and the world, date other people, etc.

Then see if "New You" and "New Brian" can make a go of it, or not, at that future point in time.

Thanks again, GG. I really appreciate your wisdom and the incredible amount of time and thoughtfulness you would devote to the emotional situation of a stranger.

I just spent my first night alone from Brian to create space for myself. It’s provided me more energy and clarity to provide myself even more space.

One detail I’ve left out of this story—almost to protect myself from what I already know, and from my own shame, and perhaps to gain more objective insight from people like you—is that three years ago when Brian was blackout drunk and upset with me, he hit me. It was probably the most emotional turmoil I’ve ever experienced as an adult. I was not strong enough to fully sever the relationship then, or in the subsequent times when we argued and I felt triggered by him. I’ve watched him take a hard look at himself and improve (he never got that drunk again or hit me again) but I know now that I need to leave this weight behind and move on.

As for Aaron, I will likely seek some space from him also. He has been very supportive and understanding during this process, which reaffirms my feelings for him. I feel very grateful that knowing him has made me stronger. But I don’t think it would be fair to him if I turned him into a support as I heal. And I don’t think it’s fair for me to convolute his relationship with Brian more than I already have. There is a part of me that hopes for a relationship with Aaron in the future, but perhaps that future will take months or years to come about.

There is another wrinkle to the story. Aaron is moving into a condo on the floor above mine (in my eight unit building) in less than two weeks. I feel very guilty that this is happening now, and of the perception that I am ditching Brian in preparation for Aaron’s arrival, but I can’t control that.

I plan on letting them both know about my need for more space today. Thanks again.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry that happened. It adds more things to both sides. On his side, Brian has to stay sober and not do that anymore. So far so good. But you know what? You aren't responsible if he stays sober and stops hitting or not. You aren't there to be the target any more.

On your side, it sounds like you are stronger and more aware and able to leave now. If anything like that ever happens again in a future relationship, your job is to walk away from physical abuse much sooner, seek support sooner, and not blame yourself. No one deserves abuse.

There is another wrinkle to the story. Aaron is moving into a condo on the floor above mine (in my eight unit building) in less than two weeks. I feel very guilty that this is happening now, and of the perception that I am ditching Brian in preparation for Aaron’s arrival, but I can’t control that.

You’re right that you can’t control how any of this looks to either Brian or Aaron. What you can control is creating space for yourself.

If you decide to break up with Brian, move out of the building. Give yourself your own place, or live with someone neutral — a roomie you’re not dating. Give yourself some distance so you don't fall back into old patterns.

When you break up with Brian, you’re allowed to break away from all the dynamics that came with that relationship. His thoughts and feelings about the breakup are his to manage, not yours. You don’t have to walk on tiptoe or shape your choices around what he might think or feel or do/react anymore. He’s allowed to think whatever -- even wrong things. You do not have to correct him.

You don't have to allow him to influence what you do next. You don't have to JADE your decisions to Brian (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). You just make them/do them.

In fact, watch out for that. If Brian wants to have these long "discussions" about the break up, it might be a means to keep you here going in circles with him and not actually leaving. You are not required to give an ex some kind of post-mortem on the relationship or "exit interview." If you two want to do that, it doesn't have to be now. It could be 1-2 years later or something, when people have cooled off and there's been some distance. Or you could choose never to have that conversation at all.

Now that you’ve mentioned the abuse, it’s completely valid to decide, “No, not ever again with Brian, even if 'New Brian' improves.” You don’t have to wish him harm. If he grows, that’s good for him and for whomever he dates next. But you keep yourself safe. His lessons to learn don’t have to come at the cost of your safety or well-being. You’re allowed to have dealbreakers. He isn’t entitled to dating access to you again.

Even without the abuse, there were many reasons to end it. With it, even more reasons. You don't have to put up with domestic violence.

GG

 

[Sisilisko]

@dcperson
Of course you're worried about how they'll take it. Of course you have a myriad of reasons (conscious as well as subconscious, altruistic as well as those based in self-interest) to want them to understand your actions correctly. Unlike GalaGirl, I believe it's kind and mature to allow your partner(s) to ask questions around a breakup. At some moment, however, it's time to kindly but with determination refuse further contact, tell them you're blocking all channels of communication; that is also an act of kindness to both (all three) of you: the full pain of the break-up comes in the no-contact time, and by feeling it, people can move through it and beyond rather than get stuck halfway out of the relationship, halfway pulled back into it. Again, you might want to make it clear to them that going no-contact is not meant as a punishment but that you're doing it with the hope that all of you will benefit. You might even ask them to help you through this difficult time by not trying to contact you.

Concerning the fact that Brian hit you once. I have hit my partners in the past and I don't think they should feel shame over not severing the ties with me immediately. It is true that the fact that I became so upset as to physically attack them should have warned us (both them and me!) that our communication styles and/or values are incompatible and that the relationship is not going to be very happy no matter how hard we try; so in that sense, it is valid for them to choose to end a relationship should anything similar happen to them in the future. But should they be ashamed that they had hope for a relationship that also had a lot of good in it? In my opinion, being willing to work on oneself and to give the other person a chance to work on themselves is not a reason for shame, it is a reason for pride. Of course, it's also a good idea to learn to recognize when it's time to have enough self-love to call it quits. Actually, it's worth practicing self-love (such as kind and encouraging self-talk) on purpose.

Thank you for trying to be kind to yourself as well as the people you need to leave.

 

[dcperson]

I'm sorry that happened. It adds more things to both sides. On his side, Brian has to stay sober and not do that anymore. So far so good. But you know what? You aren't responsible if he stays sober and stops hitting or not. You aren't there to be the target any more.

On your side, it sounds like you are stronger and more aware and able to leave now. If anything like that ever happens again in a future relationship, your job is to walk away from physical abuse much sooner, seek support sooner, and not blame yourself. No one deserves abuse.



You’re right that you can’t control how any of this looks to either Brian or Aaron. What you can control is creating space for yourself.

If you decide to break up with Brian, move out of the building. Give yourself your own place, or live with someone neutral — a roomie you’re not dating. Give yourself some distance so you don't fall back into old patterns.

When you break up with Brian, you’re allowed to break away from all the dynamics that came with that relationship. His thoughts and feelings about the breakup are his to manage, not yours. You don’t have to walk on tiptoe or shape your choices around what he might think or feel or do/react anymore. He’s allowed to think whatever -- even wrong things. You do not have to correct him.

You don't have to allow him to influence what you do next. You don't have to JADE your decisions to Brian (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). You just make them/do them.

In fact, watch out for that. If Brian wants to have these long "discussions" about the break up, it might be a means to keep you here going in circles with him and not actually leaving. You are not required to give an ex some kind of post-mortem on the relationship or "exit interview." If you two want to do that, it doesn't have to be now. It could be 1-2 years later or something, when people have cooled off and there's been some distance. Or you could choose never to have that conversation at all.

Now that you’ve mentioned the abuse, it’s completely valid to decide, “No, not ever again with Brian, even if 'New Brian' improves.” You don’t have to wish him harm. If he grows, that’s good for him and for whomever he dates next. But you keep yourself safe. His lessons to learn don’t have to come at the cost of your safety or well-being. You’re allowed to have dealbreakers. He isn’t entitled to dating access to you again.

Even without the abuse, there were many reasons to end it. With it, even more reasons. You don't have to put up with domestic violence.

GG

Hi Galagirl, an update for you:

I have ended my engagement/relationship with Brian. I also asked Aaron for some space but have not fully severed contact with him. I left the city and am staying with friends for the next ten days as I figure things out, which provides all of us more space. It has felt incredibly freeing to share with my friends about the weight I have been carrying for so long and gain further clarity that I am making the right decision.

I had a fairly vague conversation with Aaron the day I ended it with Brian, before I left town. Aaron’s advice to me at the time was rooted in his hopes for us to stay together. After a few days of debating whether or not to fully share my side of the story with Aaron, I called him and did so. He offered me support and thanked me for sharing, however I was a little disappointed that he still asked me “where are you now with the relationship?” after I told him everything, and by his general (and unusual) sense of distance as the conversation progressed. I imagine Aaron is going through his own grieving process since the couple he liked is ending, he’s feeling guilt about his role that ending, he’s confused about what this means for our social circle, and he’s trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship with both Brian and me, since that is what he wants. I want to maintain a relationship with Aaron as well but am increasingly seeing the wisdom of your advice to end it with both partners.

 

[GalaGirl]

While I'm sorry to hear about the breakup, I think ending it with Brian was the right call in this situation. You don’t deserve abuse or domestic violence, and there were clearly many other compatibility issues as well.

I’m glad you’re away with safe friends who can listen and validate that what you experienced is not okay. You have been carrying a lot indeed.

I imagine Aaron is going through his own grieving process since the couple he liked is ending, he’s feeling guilt about his role that ending, he’s confused about what this means for our social circle, and he’s trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship with both Brian and me, since that is what he wants. I want to maintain a relationship with Aaron as well but am increasingly seeing the wisdom of your advice to end it with both partners.

Yup, too many complicated layers if you keep dating Aaron at this time. Right now you're prioritizing your healing, not Aaron's wants.

You could say something like: "Aaron, I imagine this is hard for you too, but I need simplicity so I can actually heal, not complex dynamics. You are now dating my ex, so I cannot date you or maintain a friendship. There were domestic violence and other serious issues, so I need to step back entirely, for my own well-being and to simplify my life. I wish you and Brian well, but that is the limit of our connection."

Your healing comes first. Setting firm boundaries is not only okay—it’s necessary.

Maybe over time things could change with Aaron so you two could be friends, but leave that decision to the future. Right now you could simplify your life. Everything doesn't have to be solved or dealt with this minute.

I encourage you to work with a counselor as you heal. This was a lot and healing from it will take a while.

Galagirl