Time Frame?

P

playfulgirl32217

New member
I'm just wondering what is the time frame on being comfortable with all of this. My partner and I (or former partner, I guess I should say, now) started out with just being able to sleep with other people since April, so about 7 months. We've been swinging, too, since last January. Him having sex in front of me was never an issue, but when I found out that he cheated on me in April, I proposed an open relationship. I have battled with it ever since. About a month and a half ago, he told me he wanted to open our relationship up to having actual emotional relationships with other people. Since then he has met three different girls. I've reacted badly to them, too.

Can someone help me, please? I try to reassure myself and sometimes I can, but I'm just wondering-- does this end? Is it just that I'm not poly and I'm trying to be OK with it for his sake? Can anyone tell me how long it took you to accept all of this?
 
Cheating changes the whole dynamic. In order to have a polyamorous relationship (multiple loves), one must be able to love one person first. Cheating is not loving. If someone is cheating, they aren't loving themselves. Someone who loves themself is able to be honest and true about who they really are. Cheating, in and of itself, is being dishonest and untrue about who you really are. If you can't love yourself, you can't possibly love someone else (which is necessary for a monogamous relationship too). If you can't do both of those, it's impossible to truly love yet more people.

You need to address truth, honesty and realism in your relationship before you can even start to address trust and polyamory in the relationship.
How long that takes depends entirely on how well you each handle that responsibility.
 
Well, we didn't know about polyamory or open relationships then, so I understand the cheating part. It was really hard to get past the issues with that. But I trust him, and I know he's honest with me about everything.

The trust/honesty part is really not what concerns me. The fear of loss, general feeling of uncomfortableness, for no good reason, to the point of panicking when he's with someone else, is. I'm wondering when it goes away, or how long it takes to get past it.

Is it normal to feel this way? How long did it take you to become comfortable with your partners being poly?
 
Neither of my partners are poly. I am. They are only just getting into it. I didn't come out until September 25th about being poly. I cheated before that, which is exactly why I brought that up.

As for the other stuff-- communication isn't what the average person thinks it is. It's much more complicated. There is a thread on that on the general forum, I think, and there is a post from Ceoli this week that pertains to your question, as well. So if you do a search for posts by Ceoli in the last week, you can find a link on dealing with poly.

There is great info on xeromag.com, and on lovemore.com.

It can go fast, or really slow, or never all, depending on your willingness (and his/hers) to really go deep into yourself and find the true issues that cause your jealousies and insecurities.

Also, do a search for posts by Mono, Maca, and me. You'll find a lot of current helpful details in those. It gets tiring to rewrite (and less clear), but there are discussions on exactly this, so do the search. I'll see if I can find the communication one and link it. Give me 5 minutes.
 
I propose that LR officially be appointed this website's reference librarian.
 
I propose (redux) that if someone manages to find this site, they should also have no problems finding information CONTAINED on this site.

I have been told that I overestimate people in regard to this, yet I continue to maintain the validity of the above statement.
 
Sending a newcomer off to find information on their own, and chastising anyone who doesn't take such initiative, just because they're capable, and offering suggestions for where to look, have two very different effects on how welcoming a place may seem. Personally, I prefer the latter situation in any community I join.
 
All I'm saying is that there are sticky notes to get newcomers pointed in the right direction. When I was new here, I didn't expect the "Welcome wagon", and wasn't offended that someone didn't take me by the hand and give me a guided tour. There were far fewer resources compiled by other members, and I still managed to find things on my own. Yet, I do participate in adding information to sticky threads and suggesting links. It just seems like sometimes people want others to be interested in their situation but do not want to put forth the effort to reciprocate.

Like I said, I overestimate people.
 
Perhaps people consider reciprocation in other ways. Just because it happens in different languages than yours doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. Nobody needs to expect a welcome wagon. It just so happens that one has a more welcoming effect than the other. For some people, that's important. For other people, reading the stickies are important. No need for one to chastise the other, just sayin.'
 
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Playfulgirl, a couple of things:

You will never fix a troubled relationship by adding complications to it, and polyamory is complex.

If you want to find a path to healing in your relationship(s), you and your partner need to discover and address the issues that lead up to the cheating, deal with and heal the wounds, and find solid ground for the both of you before introducing additional lovers into the situation. If one or both of you are not ready or willing to do the work needed to set things back on a healthy path, then, sadly, it's time to cut your losses and move on.

Also, I get the impression that you think polyamory is a form of swinging. It is radically different. Polyamory is much more than sex. Swinging is basically just sex. Polyamory involves loving, involved romantic relationships between multiple adults. It is based on honesty, love, and respect for all parties concerned. Swinging is just sport fucking, IMO.
 
Playfulgirl,

It sounds like your relationship barely has a footing at this point. Swinging degrades connection in relationships, as giving away our bodies to strangers, for them to masturbate into, and others to watch while someone does that, does nothing for one's self esteem and a feeling of togetherness with one's partner. I say this, having been there. I didn't realize it at first, but swinging damaged me in ways I didn't realize until much later.

If you are a person who can somehow waltz through having meaningless sex with others just to get off, then all the power to you. I personally think no one really can. But that is just my opinion. I see it as our culture's way of continuing the cycle of using and abusing women and objectifying them. We seem to be more and more self-indulgent in the sexual realm, and swinging just personifies that. It's all about "me," rather than "us" or "others."

Poly is about loving and respecting oneself and others, bringing people into the folds of a similar way of being, values and core beliefs. It has little to do with sex, and everything to do with daily life, community, chosen family, integrity, honesty, complete openness and really having one's shit together.

It sounds like you and your partner have a lot to learn. I would suggest that both of you not see anyone new until you have your relationship back on course. If a primary relationship is not strong, and I mean rock solid, then the whole structure will collapse and people will get hurt.

Your man seeing several women right away sends of huge red flags for me that he has lost connection with you and is actually just trying to find someone else. I would ask him to spend his time giving you attention and reconnecting, rather than dating anyone new right now. I would also spend some time healing from your swinging, and really checking in with yourself to make sure there has been no adverse affect on your sense of self worth. You need to really love yourself before going into poly. You need to love yourself in order to love others to your full potential.

I agree with the idea that you will need to do a whack load of research on this before even considering trying out poly. You've got a lot of work to do. Go do it.
 
Hi Playfulgirl,

All change takes time, and it seems to happen gradually. The honesty you spoke of is the critical component. The more you experience this and find (hopefully) positive side effects for you both, the more it will feel natural, and a time may come you can't remember any other way.
 
I completely agree with RedPepper. The primary relationship needs to be strong and solid before you add other relationships into it. Polyamory is sometimes difficult, and although it is very worth it, you need to go into it with your eyes open and be willing to work for it. Having a strong relationship to begin with is the only way to start. It sounds to me like your guy isn't ready, by any means, but I could be wrong. It's been known to happen.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top