Time

Derbylicious

Derbylicious

New member
I've been thinking a lot about time with people over the past couple of weeks. It's true that the love for one person does not diminish the love for another, but time is another matter altogether. There are only so many hours in a day. So how do you make it work to make everyone feel special and cared for? I'm also wondering if there is any way to make the time thing work without it seeming overly like scheduling a business meeting.
 
I have yet to have a functioning poly relationship, but I think this question will vary from situation to situation, depending on things like living arrangements, work and other "unavoidable" time sinks, like children, etc. Also thrown into the mix is the partner's expectations or desires.

I'd think keeping in contact when you aren't with a specific person is a good idea; texting and phone or video calls are all ways of showing that you do care, even if you cannot be together at that time.

Most importantly, make the time you do have together count.

If you are not living with all partners, thinking about time together as if you were in a long-distance relationship might help, unless you don't go for LDRs. ;)

Even in mono relationships, couples schedule dates and things to do together.

(Sorry for the disjointed thoughts here. My brain is still waking up.)

Another thing is to make sure your needs and desires are known to your partners, and that you know theirs. Maybe partner A would love to go see a movie, and partner B just wants to hang out and cuddle for a couple hours. Try to go with the flow.
 
Yeah, time is one of the biggest challenges in people's lives now.

I think in regards to relationships, the best way to handle it is to all sit down and just acknowledge it together as a family. Acknowledge that it's a potential problem (because it is). Shake hands on an agreement that you will all do your best, acknowledging the difficulty, to work together to make the best use of it you can. At the same time, acknowledge that it may happen that someone feels they are getting the short end of the stick, and that, if that happens, everyone agrees to talk about it, and see how much is real, how much is perception, and what you all can do to handle either/both of those sides.

It's really quite doable, but it takes commitment and openness.
 
I try to minimize the time I spend on boring-but-necessary stuff, in order to maximize the time I have to waste... oops, I mean spend, :) on fun-and-interesting stuff.
 
Having children forced the three of us to give up on much spontaneity, but that might change as they get older. I'm not expecting it, though! :)

We schedule dates with each other and our lovers. However, within those periods of time, we all seem to work on having a certain amount of spontaneous fun. Of course, we all like going out to dinner and a movie. (I go to "boy flicks," sci-fi, and thrillers with him; foreign, sci-fi, and art films with her.) I do what I can to really focus on my partners during dates. That means not talking about the kids, or politics, or family concerns.
 
I do schedule my dates with my boyfriend like I'm scheduling a business meeting, but somehow, I'm okay with it. And on the upside, scheduling our time together a week in advance, or more, gives me something to look forward to when my week is less then splendid. I choose to look at the time I can spend with him as a gift, rather than feel bad about the time we aren't together.

In terms of keeping everything straight, I've pretty much ditched the date book for a google calendar. My roommate, my husband and I all have color-coded calendars that we share, so any one of us can see what's going on with everyone.
 
After 11 years of marriage, I like scheduling date nights with my husband and/or boyfriend! It makes me feel young again. ;)

The anticipation of the date coming, thinking about what to do, what to wear, all of the little special details, drags out the enjoyment from the date itself to days earlier. And the memory of the fun drags it out to days after too!

I live with them both, but finding time alone is a pain. The kids are a big difficulty there. Mostly we just enjoy the time we get, whether it's alone, with the kids, with all of us, or with other people too. Whatever, it's time.
 
vandalin said:
Most importantly, make the time you do have together count.
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I'm not that experienced of a poly person, but this was a big deal with my last second boyfriend and something that we did not handle well. I am one of those "constantly connected" people, who always has her cell phone on. With my first boyfriend, I would often write this off, because he and I already spent a great deal of time together. But with the second boyfriend, I think it hurt him a lot to feel like there was something drawing my attention away from him (whether it was work, my mom texting me, or me flirting with friends).

With that said, he wasn't great at making plans, and so we would spend lots of time just "hanging out." Don't get me wrong. That was okay. But I think we should have scheduled dates more often and made plans to really optimize the time we did have.

Like I said, I'm not that experienced, but that's my two cents.

<3
confidence
 
With multiple partners, scheduling sometimes IS like a business meeting. Therefore, you should remember to dress appropriately for dates in a pinstripe jacket and pencil skirt, glasses, stockings with garters, and classy high-heeled shoes. That'll show 'em. ;)
 
So now I have to do a shopping trip too?!?!?! When am I going to find time for that? LOL
 
geminigirl said:
Make a shopping date? :D
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This can actually be a great idea. My hubby and I had a good time doing this after I discovered Torrid. (Think Hot Topic for larger-sized women.) I had bought one dress, a pair of fishnets, and my first pair of thigh-high suede boots (god, I love them!) for a date. It was the first time I had really felt sexy in a long time. Then he saw me in this outfit and I could just see his eyes light up.

So a few weeks later, I said, "Let's go shopping." We went to Torrid and I said, "Pick out some clothes for me to try on." :)

We came home with a few more things. The time spent doing this together was a lot of fun... and we both HATE shopping! :D
 
Haha! I agree with geminigirl!

For me and my guys, it's about the quality of the time spent together, not the quantity. I don't tend to spend more than 15 hours at a time with a partner (including sleep time) and only once a week to twice a month with each one, just because I like a lot of alone time for myself.

We do things in groups too, which is fun and stimulating. One night, it was me, Charles, Richard and Holland. Holland and I decided to dress up in wigs and erotic wear. Then we did a strip tease while the guys put dollar bills in our bras and panties!

But as far as alone time, I find that sometimes it's the simple things that give the most pleasure. My guys never get tired of back scratches, foot rubs, shoulder rubs, soaking in the jacuzzi... And let's just be honest here, the guys wouldn't complain if I greeted them at the door, dressed as geminigirl suggested, and took them straight to the bedroom for a nice erotic sexual encounter. (After which they'd proceed to go straight to sleep.)
 
You've seen my calendar, Derby. It's just like that, busy. Most of what I talk about with those I want to see is when.

I have fucked up so many times with getting times wrong, so I try to always check, and hope people have patience. Those who don't live the way I do aren't as patient. They think I don't want to see them, which is far from the truth!

My sister-in-law, for instance, has decided she will come and visit this weekend. I have a full schedule already, with little-to-no room in it. She is aggravated that I have made plans, but really, they were made about two weeks ago. I try and make long-term plans, because I like to look forward to things, and short-term plans, because I like to be busy and then leave a little extra time for stuff to come up.

I have some things set more in stone than others so that I make sure they happen. Tuesday and Friday nights are sleepovers with Mono. Sunday is PN's night. Sometimes we have another night if we can actually go and do something. Monday is more of an at-home night. Thursday is gym night for me. That leaves Wednesday and Saturday. The days are filled with work and child.

Sigh... I love it, but it becomes a navigational nightmare sometimes, where I get little to no time for myself.

I'm getting better at that, though, and better at keeping everyone up to date. Mono has a calendar I bought him that I update once a week, almost. It tells him when and what we are doing. He leaves it pretty much all up to me to organize his social life.

I kick PN out of the house once in a while, as he becomes a permanent fixture, otherwise. He comes and goes on being social. He gets overwhelmed by too much socializing, and then hermits again.

We have all worked it out for now. It's humming like a fine-tuned machine at the moment. Took some growing pains, but we got there. I'm sure it will change again, though. Change is inevitable.
 
redpepper said:
There is also the idea of time, in terms of quality and quantity. Is that part of what you meant?
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Yes, that is part of what I meant. You can spend a lot of time in the same room or house as someone, and still not actually spend any real time with them. Sometimes it's hard to make the time you have count. Or not so much hard, but easier to fall into the habit of letting technology get in the way. Scheduled power outages might help with that. :D
 
I'm in a relationship with a married woman. Her other boyfriend Baron and I live in the same house. She lives 3 miles away from us with her husband, Aaron.

In the month of March, I went on 4 dates with her. On one of those dates, Aaron and I were both with her. Looking back over the month, I feel like I didn't get to spend enough time with her. I feel like it is hard for me to build comfort and relax with her, because I have to "perform." When I spend more time with her, I feel more relaxed.

Baron hasn't been interested in going on dates "together" with her. I'm disappointed about that. All of the people involved know that I like group dates. So far, I've gone on more dates with her and Aaron. I think that Baron and I have had 3 nights where we watched a movie with her together, and I've been in this arrangement for 5 months.

There is one more guy that wants to date her, and she is turning him down. But there is also another guy that I think she may date. She does like him. But she says that she is too busy, and she has one other reservation about him.

Honestly, I'm worried that I will get to see her even less if she takes on a 4th lover. To this point, I've encouraged her to date others if she wants to. I haven't been totally honest about my worries of spending less time with her.

I don't want to rock the boat. I've just gotten over a bout of insecurity. I don't feel like I should mention that I'd rather her not date anyone else because I don't want to share her "boyfriend time." I'm sure that the extra time will not come out of Aaron's time with her.

She is my only partner right now. My only relationship fulfillment comes from her.
 
Vexxed said:
I don't want to rock the boat. I've just gotten over a bout of insecurity. I don't feel like I should mention that I'd rather her not date anyone else, because I don't want to share her "boyfriend time." I'm sure that the extra time will not come out of Aaron's time with her.
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Hey Vexxed,

Well, excuse the pun, it seems she's spreading herself a little thin. :) The fact that she is your only relationship is naturally aggravating the situation for you. But I suspect it's taking some toll on everyone else too, whether they voice it or not.

How about you just express the thought to her, in a general, non-confrontational way, that although love and caring is unlimited, time is NOT. And if she places any real value on other people's feelings, she might want to think about whether she is spreading herself out too much, and maybe shortchanging everyone else's needs.

Time IS one of those things you have to learn to balance, and for some it will absolutely mean cutting back on some things, just out of fairness.

Just a thought.
 
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