Tips for Closets?

[IcedTea&SweetPickles]

Really struggling with emotions about being partners with someone who's closeted about her polyamory. My partner is married to her other partner and I'm finding it really hard to be relegated to second class citizenship. Our relationship isn't celebrated online and I'm often not in the family photos posted even though I was there and even took some of the photos.

Had a really meaningful Valentine's (surprise I hate the holiday) but her posts online are all about valentines with her husband and the fact that she has another partner is totally missing. I really love my partner. But I'm not sure she can see how awful it is to be continually erased from her public presence.

I did the hard work of coming out to all my people as Queer, and then as poly. I don't have anything to hide but I end up hiding due to her closet.

She really shows up for me in a lot of ways, big ways and we have community and friends we are out to in small settings and ways of appearing together (as friends) in the general public. But I'm noticing over and over that I feel second class, I feel less important, I feel expendable when I get cut out of the public presentation. And of course, I never get to celebrate my love publicly either. I don't get to post about my holiday with my partner. I don't get to talk about how much I love her, or how much she means to me. I've pretty much just pulled out of social media altogether it's so painful.

I don't have many people to talk to because even though I'm out of the closet, people have lots of stigma about Poly relationships and I've found a lot of my friends just think poly is awful and will tell me to break up with someone I really love. Or people with less stigma just tell me "go find another partner who will do that for you." Problem is, I've got a fucking really full life. I don't have time or emotional energy for dating a bunch of new people right now. And people aren't just interchangeable and I don't want to go off dating just trying to find someone who'll let me be public.

Except for the closet, I love my situation right now. I don't want to fuck up something good just because of that. But also, I'm realizing that the whole situation is a little unreasonable. I did my work. i came out. I took the risks. And maybe it just hurts that my partner doesn't love me enough to take that risk. But who am I to evaluate how risky that is for them.

People have told me I shouldn't be dating someone closeted if I'm out. But love blossoms in unlikely places. How is it any better for me to move on from someone I love and who loves me just because she can't face coming out? I want to show up for her. I want to be patient, I'm willing to shoulder my part of the work in a relationship. But sometimes it feels like the burden isn't balanced between us. Like I'm doing a lot for them, and I'm not noticing them showing up for me with the same intensity, or even noticing just how painful some of this might be for me. For their part. They are taking lots of new risks for me. so maybe it's even. I just really don't know how to think about it and only know right now that it's feeling off balance.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Could you all create a list of friends who know so she could post things about you that are only visible to those folks? Then you'd feel acknowledged, she could brag about you like she does husband, and friends can enjoy the photos and such as well?

If that's not an option for some reason... you have to decide what you're comfortable with having in your life. Could be acceptance of the situation. It could mean being not connected on social media so it isn't in your face. It could mean she agrees to limit gushy posts about her other partner. It could be you decide you aren't willing to be in the closet by association and decide to end things.

I've only had one super closeted experience. I ended it because I wasn't okay being ignored or downplayed as "just a friend" or whatever.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello IcedTea&SweetPickles,

I have a situation somewhat comparable to yours although not as severe. My two poly companions, who are legally married to each other, present me to the world as a close friend and adopted family. But they do not present me as the lover (second husband, really) of the wife, and they don't want me to present myself as such either. I can only present myself as such on this forum because I use nicknames here, and my said companions make an exception for that. That used to bother me a lot. I did feel like a second-class citizen. I want to be out to my own family, but I can't because their families are connected to mine via Facebook. So the three of us could be around my family members, and my two companions could do public displays of affection with each other, while I must keep myself aloof. That used to hurt me a lot, and it still bugs me a little. I guess to some extent I just got used to it.

I don't suppose your partner could present you (to friends and family) as a close friend and adopted family? That wouldn't fix the problem, but it might help some. At the least, it would mean you could be included with them in photos on social media. I don't know your exact situation, so I don't know what your partner would be free to do. I do feel bad for you in your current situation, and can imagine it must hurt a lot, although I wouldn't know how to put myself completely in your shoes. Maybe you just need your partner, and her husband, to realize and appreciate how much this hurts for you, how much you are sacrificing for them? I hope you can work things out with them ... somehow.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I did the hard work of coming out to all my people as Queer, and then as poly. I don't have anything to hide but I end up hiding due to her closet.

YOU don't have to hide. But you also cannot "out" her.

So it's a tricky area to navigate/negotiate.

She really shows up for me in a lot of ways, big ways and we have community and friends we are out to in small settings and ways of appearing together (as friends) in the general public. But I'm noticing over and over that I feel second class, I feel less important, I feel expendable when I get cut out of the public presentation.

Could you come to terms that she is in charge of her social media use? And focus more on YOUR social media?

Does she do the OTHER things (not social media) that make you feel important and valuable to her?

And of course, I never get to celebrate my love publicly either. I don't get to post about my holiday with my partner. I don't get to talk about how much I love her, or how much she means to me. I've pretty much just pulled out of social media altogether it's so painful.

Could you give her an alias like "Sweetie" and write about her that way? Like "Look at the cool flowers Sweetie got me!" "Sweetie and I went to movies" or whatever it is you want to say?

Or post things like holding hands with no faces or legs together on a bench, or 2 people shadows, or whatever? And find a way to live in the in between space?

Those you are both out to will know who "Sweetie" actually is, and those who don't know still don't know. And you get to be less bottled up while still honoring her process with how "out" she wants to be.

You are not the first and likely not the last people who have to deal in "closets."

I don't have many people to talk to because even though I'm out of the closet, people have lots of stigma about Poly relationships and I've found a lot of my friends just think poly is awful and will tell me to break up with someone I really love.

So... is it that you need new friends who are more supportive?

Or need to set boundaries with old friends and ask them to at least say "Well, that's not for me, but if it works for you, it works for you" instead?

That's a different "friends layer" thing and not on the "partner layer" to me. Be careful you aren't feeling frustrated from different areas of life and just dumping it all on partner because they either frustrate you directly right now or the closet situation frustrates you right now.

Or people with less stigma just tell me "go find another partner who will do that for you." Problem is, I've got a fucking really full life. I don't have time or emotional energy for dating a bunch of new people right now. And people aren't just interchangeable and I don't want to go off dating just trying to find someone who'll let me be public.

Which is why I suggest finding ways to live in the overlap. Yes, it would be easier if you were both in the closet or both out of the closet and not this one in and one out overlap place.

Hopefully over time she becomes more willing to be "out" but in the meanwhile... you could negotiate.

I'm sure you have seen doors with and without windows.

• Some of them have all wood and nothing is seen inside and no light comes in.
• Some are like glass patio doors and you see it all. Maybe even too much sun coming in and not enough privacy.
• Some have side panes or window panes on the door where you see hints and shadows... and some light comes in.

How about you talk to partner about what kind of "door" is on this closet? Does it still have to be solid wood? Or can we can we change to one with window with a curtain on there so you can use your social media more like you want while still honoring her boundaries? Still in the closet enough for her? But a little more out for you?

Except for the closet, I love my situation right now. I don't want to fuck up something good just because of that. But also, I'm realizing that the whole situation is a little unreasonable. I did my work. i came out. I took the risks. And maybe it just hurts that my partner doesn't love me enough to take that risk. But who am I to evaluate how risky that is for them.

Don't make it be only about you. You aren't the only person in the system. Some may be about her. Her fears, her risks, balancing what her other partner wants and how "out" THEY wants to be, etc. Some is your stuff, some is her stuff, some is her spouse stuff.

You write in loving ways about her and it sounds like she does love you and is there for you. Why do you talk to yourself like "she doesn't love me enough to do XYZ?"

• Do you think she has to "prove" her love by putting you all over her social media?
• Are you in the habit of doing your own self bully kinda talk and it is part of that?
• What IS "enough" to you?

I want to show up for her. I want to be patient, I'm willing to shoulder my part of the work in a relationship.

Ok, so do that.

And is there an outside time limit on this patience and waiting? Can you live with it if she NEVER comes out of the closet? Is it a job issue and once she retires she is more free?

But sometimes it feels like the burden isn't balanced between us. Like I'm doing a lot for them, and I'm not noticing them showing up for me with the same intensity, or even noticing just how painful some of this might be for me.

Does it HAVE to be balanced like totally equal? Or can it be "fair enough" instead?

What good would it be for the teacher to make everyone in the classroom have the same glasses to make it all equal and balanced? Some kids don't even need glasses. Some kids do, but not this prescription. Wouldn't "fair enough" be better? The kid that needs this pair gets it. Those who don't need any skip it. And those who need something but a different prescription or want it like contacts -- they do what they do.

If you are doing too much? Overthinking? Scale back. Figure out your load.

And she figures out her load.

For their part. They are taking lots of new risks for me. so maybe it's even.

They prob have their things to deal with.

What's the concern about things being "even?" Is a better word "worthwhile?"

So instead of worrying about how "even" things are here, you evaluate your participation in this polyship as still worthwhile or not?

I just really don't know how to think about it and only know right now that it's feeling off balance.

FRIEND LAYER

Sounds like you want your friends to stop being on/off switches. So you may have to just tell your friends what you need to hear.

"When I'm venting, could you please be willing to be more neutral? And leave it at "Oh. That is tough. There, there poor baby" general comfort?

Or give different ideas than "just deal with it" or "just dump her" like it's an on/off switch? I need ideas for living through the middle space where I'm out of the closet and she's working on becoming more willing to come out."

PARTNER LAYER

You want to be able to express your joy/love/thoughts on your social media. You are not going to "out" her, but would like her consent to refer to her in your posts as a generic "Sweetie" or "Honey" and sometimes be able to post things on YOUR social media that are discreet. Like close up of hands holding or pix of flowers or whatever it is. No faces or identifying things.

I encourage you to talk this stuff out with partner.

Galagirl

 

[Inaniel]

I am in the hinge position in my relationships and I was the one who experienced the most anxiety about issues such as hierarchy, segregation of relationships, social media, ect…

While selectively coming out to family and friends was beneficial in conquering negative feelings, I think detangling from social media had just as large of an impact on my happiness.

It may be worth giving some thought to whether it’s the relationship or social media that is giving you stress. In hindsight, after several years of having no social media account, I see now that social media caused me a lot of anxiety, stress, and served to suppress personal authenticity. Getting back more privacy has helped with all of the above.

 

[Magdlyn]

You have gotten some excellent advice. One minor thing stood out to me. You said you wished you could post about vacations you take with Sweetie. Why do you think you can't do that? Do all vacations have to be taken with one's spouse? Lots of people take vacations with friends. Surely there would be minimal or no objections/gossip if 2 good friends took a lovely trip together. My nesting partner and I take vacations together, vacations with our OSOs, or we take trips with family members or friends. Some people go on vacations alone, married or not.

 

[mountaingirl]

You have received some really good advice (esp. in regards to the social media stuff from Inaniel and the "introducing as family friend" option from Kevin... only if you're okay with that). I am also a hinge, and while I really don't put a lot of stock in social media, it is fun to post pics of my boyfriend on my page. No gushy captions or PDA (not one for those anyway), so I get no questions, but I still know they're there and so does he. Maybe you could talk to your partner to see if she would be okay with that? There are a lot of options between completely outing her and not showing you at all publicly as someone important to her.
I really like Galagirl's suggestion for nondescript pics! Although if what matters to you is that other people acknowledge your relationship with her on HER page then that may not work. Also as previously mentioned, just having the conversation with her may get her to tone down the gushy posts about her partner a bit to spare your feelings, which imo seems fair since you are dealing with some stuff in order for her to stay closeted.