Tips on overcoming bad feelings about partner's new relationship

[salanderbeth]

This is my second post here and it feels a lot better since then.

A short overview: my wife started a new relationship and I've struggled so hard with this. We always had a polyamorous relationship, but it never happened for real. So we were actually almost a monogamous couple for almost 6 years, doing all the things together and having a very close and intimate routine. We built a house together and have a very strong bond.

Turns out that she felt in love with somebody else and it was very hard to deal with all the NRE and changes that came with this new relationship. We've talked a lot and things seems to be more peaceful and stable, but I still have a lot of bad feelings about this and would like some advice on how to overcome this. How do you deal with that?

The main feelings and thoughts are:
- I'm still waiting and hoping for her new relationship to end. I'm still convincing myself that it's just some adventure and that it'll end soon (like in the next couple months);
- I'm trying to find faults with her girlfriend; I'm being very judgmental towards her girlfriend;
- I'm still questioning how on earth my wife could be in love with her girlfriend;
- I'm still feeling very very very bad every time I'm alone at home;
- I'm still very anxious waiting for my wife to text me when she's out with her girlfriend.

Things that I've already done to overcome this:
- Started dancing class;
- Started going to the gym;
- Will start French lessons;
- Talking a lot with friends about it;
- Trying hard to think positively about this new situation.

But still, the bad feelings are stronger than the good ones. I'm still obsessively looking for scientific articles that say when it's most common for new relationships end. I still have a very strong feeling of "I just want my old life back." And I just hate it.

However, I know I can't predict or even interfere with the future. I don't know if it will last or if it will end tomorrow. I even don't know if I will still be in love with my wife in the future. But it's very hard to be present and to live one day at a time. How do you accomplish it?

I'm also rethinking if non-monogamy is right for me or if I'm okay with just some open relationship agreement, where I have the most of the times with my wife. I try to empathize with her and think if it was me I would like to completely live this feeling. But I don't know.

I really need some advice!

 

[Bobbi]

This is difficult, I see. Although you have prescriptive polyamory, you have been descriptive monogamous for 6 years. Now you have a big change. Any big change will shake things up. Your relationship is no longer the same and you need to find a way to cope with this new change.

Multiamory episode 118 may help

118 - Helping Your Partner Open Up — Multiamory

Whether you're opening up an existing relationship or beginning a relationship with someone who is new to polyamory, it can be challenging to know the best way to encourage them to feel safe venturing into the world of non-monogamy. In this episode we explore different challenges and discuss what we

www.multiamory.com

I'm still waiting and hoping for her new relationship to end, I'm still convincing myself that it's just some adventure and that it'll end soon.

As long as you have this thought, you will be miserable. You need to grieve the loss of the relationship you had before this change. Your negative thoughts will get worse the longer the 2nd relationship continues, because you are trying to create the end of it with your mind. That thinking isn't working toward acceptance.

Try thinking instead that this transition is hard, but it will get easier. It's a loss… grieve it.

I'm trying to find faults with her girlfriend

Instead, try to find things you like about the girlfriend. Try to see what she sees in her. It's amazing how when you find those positive characteristics, you’ll suddenly start to see why she likes/loves this other person.

I'm still questioning how on earth could wife be in love with her girlfriend.

Find out why! Ask her what makes her special, what she loves about her and try to understand. Also, ask yourself why she loves you and if this love is strong enough to weather you not supporting her or being negative about her girlfriend. Remember, relationships end not because she falls in love with someone else, but because your relationship with her took a nose dive and things couldn't be worked out. If you are truly monogamous and she is poly, this could end the relationship altogether. So it's at least worth moving through the change, the grief, to try to get to something better. Otherwise, you might have to grieve the entire thing.

I'm still feeling very very very bad every time I'm alone at home

This will require changing thoughts and behaviors. If you are sitting home thinking these bad thoughts the entire time she's gone, then you will never feel good about it. Find a distraction and fill yourself with other relationships, hobbies, etc., which it sounds like you are doing.

Change the ultra-negative thoughts to more neutral thoughts. Instead of thinking, "She's out on a date/having sex," say, "She's out with a friend." It’s a true thought, and less threatening than the words date or lover.

I'm still very anxious waiting for mu wife to text me when she's out with her girlfriend;

Why is she texting you at all? Do you text her when you are out with friends, at the gym, work, etc.? It’s unhealthy and codependent.

Talking a lot with friends about it

Are these friends supportive of poly and understanding of it? If not, you are not getting support at all. You need the kind of support that helps you through it, to change your perspective, not reinforce your negative thoughts. Talking here will be much more helpful, or finding a poly-friendly therapist

Trying hard to think positively about all this new situation

Good! But take baby steps. You want to think smaller. Instead of trying to go from, “I hope this relationship ends, because I hate it,“ to, “I'm so happy for her,” which would be a lie, try finding a neutral truth like “She is out with a friend." Once you become comfortable with that, try, “She is on a date." Use statements without feelings or judgements attached to them, just facts that aren't a lie. Over time, you can slowly change those thoughts to positive ones, without them being untrue.

But still, the bad feelings are stronger than the good ones.

Stop trying to have good ones. Focus on neutral feelings. You don't need to be happy, because you aren't. But if you can be neutral it will make a difference. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, then change it right away to a neutral thought. You'll have to do it a TON in the beginning, as negative thoughts are running rampant in there, like a toddler having a tantrum. You need to be just as patient with your brain as you would be with a toddler.

I'm still obsessively looking for scientific articles that says when it's most common for new relationships end. I still have a very strong feeling of "I just want my old life back". And I just hate it.

Stop looking into this stuff. It's not helpful. You can want your old life back, but it’s not going to happen. Either you will find happiness in this new life with her, or you‘ll go on to a new life without her. It’s up to you which it will be. Regardless, you will need to grieve the loss of the relationship you had. Only you can decide if being poly is something you can accept and maybe even love in the future. If not, then you might need to say goodbye forever.

You may find that you two are just incompatible in this way and you need monogamy, and that's okay. Do the best you can. Find a poly-friendly therapist and start going. You can do individual or couple's therapy, and see if you can make it work. It's okay if you can’t. But don't give up without making an honest effort.

Would you be interested in dating? Some find that when they start dating, they experience what it is to be in love and can see that going out with others, having sex with others, even loving others, doesn't change your feelings about the first relationship negatively at all. Sometimes it makes the feelings stronger. It helps wipe away the monogamous programming of finding/being “the One," and, “If she loved you, she wouldn't want anyone else,” and stuff like that.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi crozarak,

You said you had bad feelings about your partner's new relationship -- bad feelings as opposed to jealousy. Do you mean to distinguish jealousy from what you're feeling, and if so, what makes jealousy different from what you're feeling? If jealousy is actually a good word for what you're feeling, I can offer some links for how to deal with it.

Are You in Poly Hell?
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

The main feelings and thoughts are:
- I'm still waiting and hoping for her new relationship to end. I'm still convincing myself that it's just some adventure and that it'll end soon (like in the next couple months);
- I'm trying to find faults with her girlfriend; I'm being very judgmental towards her girlfriend;
- I'm still questioning how on earth my wife could be in love with her girlfriend;
- I'm still feeling very very very bad every time I'm alone at home;
- I'm still very anxious waiting for my wife to text me when she's out with her girlfriend.

Well, you are new to all this. It's okay to feel weird. The "old normal" is gone; the "new normal" isn't really here yet. Transition time feeling weird IS "the normal" for the transition time.

You could examine one thought at a time.

We always had a polyamorous relationship, but it never happened for real. So we were actually almost a monogamous couple for almost 6 years, doing all the things together and having a very close and intimate routine. We built a house together and have a very strong bond.

Do you actually want to be doing polyamory? Or were you thinking it would be a different kind of non-monogamy and used the polyamory word by mistake? And she used the polyamory word. Did she really mean polyamory, or some other nonmonogamy type? You two might need to calibrate there.

I'm still waiting and hoping for her new relationship to end. I'm still convincing myself that it's just some adventure and that it'll end soon (like in the next couple months);

Her other relationship very well might end. Sometimes relationships do. Then you get to see your wife cope with a break-up, heal, and maybe date someone else. Then what? Are you prepared?

Her other relationship might be long term. Sometimes relationships are. Then you'd get to see your wife manage her relationship with you, AND her other relationship. Then what? Are you prepared?

I'm trying to find faults with her girlfriend; I'm being very judgmental towards her girlfriend;

How come? Do you want your wife dating a scuzzy person?

Are you trying to reassure yourself in some way about something? Trying to feel more "up" by putting GF "down?" That might work in short bursts, but it's not really behavior to feel proud of.

Do you like yourself, or not so much? Are you not sure why your wife likes you? Do you think you "got lucky" to find her? And are scared this GF is going to rope her off for herself?

Are you trying to compete/afraid you can't compete?

Are you keeping these judgmental thoughts to yourself or oversharing with your wife?

Are you nervous because you really don't know your wife as a "hinge" and are scared she's going to be a loose cannon and ding you?

I'm still questioning how on earth my wife could be in love with her girlfriend;

"Polyamory" means "many loves." Again... did you actually mean some other kind of non-monogamy but accidentally call it "polyamory?" If so, are you scared to confess that to your wife?

In the early stages, it isn't deep love. It's NRE, infatuation, limerance. You were there once with your wife, way back when you started dating, long before she was your wife. All those crush feelings are like walking in the pink clouds, all lalala. Remember? There are articles written about the science of love and what's going on in the brain. This is just one.

I'm still feeling very very very bad every time I'm alone at home;

Are you grieving? Sometimes that happens, grieving the loss of the old relationship model where it was just you two.

You are doing all this extra work to get less. You no longer have "first dibs" on all her free time.

But you never were entitled to it in the first place.

Are you realizing you took some things for granted in your marriage? Coming to terms with that can be hard.

Are you struggling with poly hell things? You could talk to your wife about how to mitigate some of that.

Eventually, if you date too, the shoe will be on the other foot. You'll be a hinge and she'll be the meta, at home, coping.

- I'm still very anxious waiting for my wife to text me when she's out with her girlfriend.

What is the purpose of texting you when she's out, to say, "Got here safe" or "Going home now" type stuff, or something else? What need is being served? WHO has the need? Is texting even the best method?

Are you discovering you need some kind of before care, during care or after care?

Are you discovering you are/used to be overly dependent or codependent? Do you need CODA materials?

Since anxiety is high, have you thought about getting a general health check-up with your doctor? Explain whatever is going on -- anxiety, poor sleep, not able to eat, etc. I'm no doctor. But perhaps a short prescription for a sleep aid or anxiety meds would be appropriate in your situation.

Things that I've already done to overcome this:
- Started dancing class;
- Started going to the gym;
- Will start French lessons;
- Talking a lot with friends about it;
- Trying hard to think positively about this new situation.

If this made you realize that you had been neglecting your own social network and your family/friends/ hobbies, it's good that you are taking steps to correct that. I've seen too many spouses just "latch on" to their partner's social network and not do any work on having their own circle. Or they expect the spouse to be their everything. It could be your social circle, your wife's social circle, a mutual social circle, AND the time you and wife spend alone together.

Changes usually come with a mixed bag of feelings. And not all the changes or feelings are positive. If you are trying to talk yourself into happy happy joy joy, you aren't making space to acknowledge and process grief, and maybe other downers/changes.

Even if ultimately healthier, that you started taking French and dancing, that's more work now. And maybe you're realizing you had been doing some self-neglect.

Even if you both want this change, while moving from poly theory to poly practice, there's going to be some wobble and dealing with newbie stuff; dealing with each other in NRE; lots more processing; thinking; calendars and... just more stuff to deal with. There's more work now. And maybe you're realizing you aren't as prepared as you'd thought, and now have some "homework catching up" to do.

Are you making space to date each other regularly? Had you been taking each other for granted?

Are you making space for REST?

As for your friends: probably not all of them are poly experienced or helpful. If you are having a super-hard time, maybe it's better to set up a poly counselor for extra support. YMMV, but you could try searching here for one that "clicks" and offers what you might need:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Not all of that may apply here. Just some food for thought.

It is okay to be new. It is also okay to try this and realize: "Nope, it's not for me, after all."

However, I know I can't predict or even interfere with the future. I don't know if it will last or if it will end tomorrow. I even don't know if I will still be in love with my wife in the future. But it's very hard to be present and to live one day at a time. How do you accomplish it?

You sound very anxiety-whooshy right now, all full of "What if this?" and "What if that?" stuff. You could consider both a general check-up and a poly counselor. It is okay to need help and ask for it.

I'm also rethinking if non-monogamy is right for me, or if I'm okay with just some open relationship agreement, where I have the most of the times with my wife.

That's okay to think about. Maybe you'd be better with "monogamish," like, most of the time monogamy, and casual sex on the side once in a while. You'd have to talk to your wife about this and see if she'd be willing to change the agreements, maybe to something like: "No more poly dating. Existing people can stay, but no more dating NEW people."

She might not agree, or she might have ideas/counterproposals of her own, so be prepared for that.

I try to empathize with her and think if it was me I would like to completely live this feeling. But I don't know.

I really need some advice!

See a doc about the anxiety management first. Get some REST.

Think about reading books like:

• The ones by Jessica Fern -- Polysecure, Polysecure Workbook, Polywise
• The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola
• General books on coping with anxiety.

Talk to a poly-friendly counselor, to get your thoughts in order. Then talk to your wife about HOW this could end well.

• Whether or not you keep going and both practice polyamory
• If this is going to be polyamory on her side and more like "open to casual sex" on your side
• If you two go back to monogamy permanently
• If you two need to step back and get more education first, before trying again
• If you need to have a trial separation or a peaceful divorce
• Something else I can't think of right now

And talk about how you do NOT want things to end. Nobody loves a shitshow. You could avoid doing THAT.

But you can't do any kind of processing when all wound up, so please take care of your health and see someone about your anxiousness. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

Galagirl