Tips on transitioning a monogamous relationship needed

GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry to hear all this. This is where you get to say "I don't need to hear details like that." And skip it even if it is "public" conversation in group chat. Your eyes and ears belong to YOU. If she's constantly talking sex stuff? You don't have to listen. Walk away. Bow out of the group chat. You don't have to be in it.

So she's become a blah roomie? Not doing her share of the chores?

Does this floorpan allow you separate bedrooms?

This is where you get to say "Cool. But I'd like you to take care of your own stuff. I think I've helped enough." You stop being the free beautician, personal shopper, medical/appointment secretary, all of that. You are over functioning in this relationship. She is under functioning. It's not balanced.

I don't know if it applies in this situation, but you might look into

www.coda.org

I don't know it this is enmeshed/codependent, but you are clearly doing too much here. You do not exist to be her life raft, or to prop her up.

That's where you get to choose what supports YOUR health and well-being. You are not obligated to do poly under duress, and just go along with stuff you don't really want. You get to decide if you want to deal with someone who isn't honest or not.

If you two are going to live together still, I actually think you breaking up and calling it "friends and roomies" is a step towards something healthier for BOTH of you. You do not ask her what she wants. YOU decide what YOU need to be healthier. At the end of the lease, you move elsewhere with a different roomie, and the same for her.

She might cry and feel upset that you are giving back responsibility for the things in her life back to HER, but she really does need to learn to do some of her own stuff, develop life skills and all.

If you keep "rescuing" her, I don't think actually helps either of you long term. You end up enabling.
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Galagirl put this all excellently.

I notice that you use a lot of language that gives near absolute power to the wants/needs of your spouse while leaving little room for your own.

Your own wants and needs are vital in any relationship you’re involved in, and you sound miserable and tired in this relationship dynamic. I think if you want this relationship to be potentially healthier in the future, you’ll have to take the onus on transitioning this to a less enmeshed dynamic so that your wife has less opportunities to use you as a salve. In these types of situations, it’s common that people in your wife’s role will carry this as far as it can go, even if it causes suffering to them and others around them.
 
So. We are ending in divorce. Thank you all for the advice.

She got more sexual in her talk to these people while also insisting monogamy was untouched. I started stepping away from things when hurt and taking an hour to myself to regulate. She started feeling like my hurt was "manipulation". And she leaned even more into them.

I agreed to give up the idea of weekends alone to can we just have one weekend away alone as a special occasion (valentines day) and normal weekends you can do whatever. She was unable to stay away from them for that special occasion. And when I went away from her to cry about it, she became upset at me for being hurt.

I cannot live like this under monogamous illusion that doesn't feel monogamous. And she won't admit it is anything else to allow negotiation for expanding, room for hurt feelings, help managing jealousy, etc

She said she needs to be free to do whatever with whomever and not even tell me about it, or who they are. Just be comfortable with that and trust no actual sex will ever happen and ignore the fact she wants 90% of her life to be a secret.

And she said if I am not OK with all of this I am overly jealous, toxic and abusive.

So. I left.
 
I am sorry to hear this. It sounds very hard.

But I think you made the right choice. She had become someone other than the person you fell in love with.

It reminds me a little of what I went through with my ex Eli. We had an amazing relationship for a decade. (It was always a poly relationship, because we're both poly). Loving, supportive, fun, fulfilling. No major fights even though we had opposite personality traits. We had great communication and could always navigate our differences.

Then he changed. He found a new group of friends and started using recreational drugs. The pandemic wreaked havoc on his mental health while his chronic health condition worsened into severe, chronic pain. His drug use increased. He only wanted to spend time with his weird friend group and use party drugs. He lost interest in the things he used to like to do with me. He began complaining about me to his friends: that I'm boring because I don't use drugs, that I'm controlling if I want him to limit his drug use, that I'm antisocial if I don't like hanging out with his friends while they use drugs and act like they don't like me because of Eli's complaints about me.

It was a vicious cycle and there was no way out, unless Eli changed back into the person I had loved and had a good relationship with. I hoped for a long time that his weird behavior would turn out just to be a phase--after all, I had known him for so long and he didn't seem like his true self now--but instead, his behavior got even worse and more chaotic.

I'm glad you're leaving now so you don't have to tolerate being treated so badly by someone you love.

There is a future for you without her, I promise.
 
MeeraReed said:
I am sorry to hear this. It sounds very hard.

But I think you made the right choice. She had become someone other than the person you fell in love with.

It reminds me a little of what I went through with my ex Eli. We had an amazing relationship for a decade. (It was always a poly relationship, because we're both poly). Loving, supportive, fun, fulfilling. No major fights even though we had opposite personality traits. We had great communication and could always navigate our differences.

Then he changed. He found a new group of friends and started using recreational drugs. The pandemic wreaked havoc on his mental health while his chronic health condition worsened into severe, chronic pain. His drug use increased. He only wanted to spend time with his weird friend group and use party drugs. He lost interest in the things he used to like to do with me. He began complaining about me to his friends: that I'm boring because I don't use drugs, that I'm controlling if I want him to limit his drug use, that I'm antisocial if I don't like hanging out with his friends while they use drugs and act like they don't like me because of Eli's complaints about me.

It was a vicious cycle and there was no way out, unless Eli changed back into the person I had loved and had a good relationship with. I hoped for a long time that his weird behavior would turn out just to be a phase--after all, I had known him for so long and he didn't seem like his true self now--but instead, his behavior got even worse and more chaotic.

I'm glad you're leaving now so you don't have to tolerate being treated so badly by someone you love.

There is a future for you without her, I promise.
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I will be honest. I don't think I will be interested in any relationships in the future. I invested my full trust to have it thrown in my face randomly. I married, shared a life and finances. Now, my financial future is likely ruined due to shared debt that I need to pay alone and my trust is completely shattered in humans. If I can live with someone for nearly a decade and everything be fine, then one day poof they just randomly change all the rules and who they are.... how could I ever trust anyone to be stable long-term again?

My mental health can't take such chaos again.
 
I'm sorry that happened to you :(

Confusedspouse said:
I will be honest. I don't think I will be interested in any relationships in the future. I invested my full trust to have it thrown in my face randomly. I married, shared a life and finances. Now, my financial future is likely ruined due to shared debt that I need to pay alone and my trust is completely shattered in humans. If I can live with someone for nearly a decade and everything be fine, then one day poof they just randomly change all the rules and who they are.... how could I ever trust anyone to be stable long-term again?

My mental health can't take such chaos again.
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It's ok to stay with that feeling. You will be mourning for a while. I'm a firm believer that people do need to find trust again, but there's such a thing as too soon. Don't make any firm decisions and see if it shifts within a year.
 
I'm sorry to hear this. But I think a divorce is best in your situation. You can't keep sticking around tolerating poor behaviors and name calling. Like when she doesn't get what she wants, she calls you names.

And when I went away from her to cry about it, she became upset at me for being hurt.
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She acts like you having normal and natural hurt feelings is a problem for her.

I will be honest. I don't think I will be interested in any relationships in the future. I invested my full trust to have it thrown in my face randomly.
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It's ok to take a break from dating. Or just permanently skip it. YOU get to decide how you heal from all this.

I married, shared a life and finances. Now, my financial future is likely ruined due to shared debt that I need to pay alone and my trust is completely shattered in humans.
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No. Talk to a lawyer. Shared assets and shared debts can be split up. It's not ok everything is all on you.

If I can live with someone for nearly a decade and everything be fine, then one day poof they just randomly change all the rules and who they are.... how could I ever trust anyone to be stable long-term again?

My mental health can't take such chaos again.
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Focus on your own well being for now.

GG
 
GalaGirl said:
She acts like you having normal and natural hurt feelings is a problem for her.
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She actually called my being hurt by things manipulating her to "abandon all her friends," and said I was toxic, and even called me abusive. I never once asked her to abandon anyone.

My asks were if we are monogamous, don't be on calls all day with other women every day and to let us time be for us, not texting others, when we are meant to be spending time together. Actually be present with me. Let us have a romantic weekend occasionally alone, phones only for ordering food in to the hotel or GPS for both of us to reconnect. And don't keep friendships secret, share a bit about her life voluntarily. And if I see something that hurts, I will just ask for like an hour to regulate myself alone.

That was all I could offer to allow all this sexual behavior with others and partner level commitment without officially transitioning us to non-monogamous. She would only be happy with me being 100% happy with her behavior, secrets, never mentioning a broken promise hurts and she has no boundaries beyond no physical sex with others. That wasn't something I could agree to.

Like, I tried don't ask don't tell. But it doesn't work when someone is doing it right in front of you 24/7.
 
I'm glad you took firm hold of your dignity and left. Stay gone.

It would be very helpful to tell her you're going "no contact" for 40 days. This really helps a lot! You need to clear your head. She's been very rude and manipulative.

Block her phone number, block her on all social media. Don't keep an eye on her social media. Just chill, spend time with supportive friends, get counseling as needed, etc. Take good care of yourself. This has been "poly hell," of the worst kind.
 
She actually called my being hurt by things manipulating her to "abandon all her friends," and said I was toxic, and even called me abusive. I never once asked her to abandon anyone.
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I'm no doctor, but that's getting into DARVO, to me, like she's flipping it around on you and accusing you of the things she does.

Think about it. If you are really so horrible and manipulative, why's she staying with you, rather than walking away, so she doesn't have to deal with "horrible" you anymore? You do not exist to be her verbal punching bag.

No breakup is fun. But I think, in this situation, it's for the best. Then you have a shot at healing and leading a healthier life away from all this ugh.

I don't know why she is like this. Maybe this helps you name other things you experienced:

Top 100 Traits & Behaviors — Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

of Personality-Disordered Individuals
outofthefog.website outofthefog.website

I hope she stops behaving like this at people. But whether she does or doesn't, save yourself! Get yourself out of the splash zone so her behaviors no longer impact you.

Now that you've decided to walk away, keep going, get it all done, disbanded properly, and then stay gone. This has not sounded healthy for you at all. :(


Think about counseling just for you as you navigate these changes. It's been one heck of a roller coaster for you.

GG
 
Thanks.

We are currently trying to come to an agreement on splitting stuff.

We both have to live at the house til one can afford to move out, so we can't go no contact yet. Trying for peace, mostly.
 
It might be worth talking to a counselor and/or lawyer to draw up an agreement for being "separated under one roof."

GG
 
Confusedspouse said:
Thanks.

We are currently trying to come to an agreement on splitting stuff.

We both have to live at the house til one can afford to move out, so we can't go no contact yet. Trying for peace, mostly.
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Okay. That's awkward, but doable. Just having your own bedroom can make a big difference, so I hope you can do that, at least.

Do you have a friend or family member nearby whom you could visit for a couple weeks just to clear your head, perhaps? Believe me, that would help a lot.
 
Magdlyn said:
Okay. That's awkward, but doable. Just having your own bedroom can make a big difference, so I hope you can do that, at least.

Do you have a friend or family member nearby whom you could visit for a couple weeks just to clear your head, perhaps? Believe me, that would help a lot.
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Sadly, no. I spent a couple days out but that is all I could do.
 
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