to be frustrated or not to be frustrated

P

polypiesofly

New member
So my husband recently got a new girl friend. She's new to polyamoury and has a lot of mono behaviors. ..she gets jealous easily, etc... any ways...I figured she'd calm down with time since she knows what she's getting into and new things take time. .that's not REALLY what's getting to me. .she has NO interest in me. I've never been in a diad situation before so I'm not sure if this is normal,but she does everything short of ignoring me. Like my hubby so be texting her, and I'll text her a question, see that she's read it,then she ignores me and texts him.

I call her, she won't answer. .then my husband talks about how they were on the phone all morning.

Am I being crazy here for feeling upset that she's ignoring me? ?? She's not rude or anything. .she just clearly wants nothing to do with me.

I don't want her to be attracted to me in a romantic way. .I just want her to be a Lil more willing to talk to me. .more than.. hi&bye.
 
Well its his girlfriend, let him handle her. You don't need to be texting her or spending time with her. I would not be happy if I had a metamore and they were texting me unless we were friends or something . You aren't her friend, You're simply her metamore and she's not obligated to be buddies.
 
ok. thank you

Ok. You're right. Just in my head, his girlfriend is instantly my family abs should therefore treat me that way. .but you're totally spot on. I guess she's not the only one with new things to get used to!

Thanks for your insight ♡♡♡
 
Agreed. If she doesn't want to talk, why push her? Unless she's trying to cowgirl him, I don't see the issue. The only thing you really NEED to be able to communicate to her about is if there's an emergency involving your partner, and since you have her number, that shouldn't be an issue.

Now if you feel like regular communication with metamours is an absolute must for you to feel comfortable or safe, then you should probably have that conversation with your husband and figure out where you go from there.
 
I'm a big fan of getting to know my metamours but each person is different. If you want to be friendly, I would put that out there but don't hold it against her if that's not her style. Everyone is different. In the past I've had metas that were closer friends and some that wanted no contact. It's just how things go. For more serious metas I want at least the ability to contact in case of emergency. But it could be that she prefers very clear boundaries. I would always go with extending grace and assuming she prefers distance and understanding that that distance isn't a personal insult to you but simply her relationship style.
 
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:)

No, it's not a must. I met her and introduced her to him, thinking we are friends. So maybe I'm offended she's not interested in my friendship, but that's no reason for my husband to not have a happy healthy relationship with this nice girl
 
If you liked her and your husband likes her, then I'm guessing she's probably a nice, friendly person who has no idea how to go about communicating and hanging out with her boyfriend's wife. I am new to poly myself and I have no idea what is normal behavior when I'm around my boyfriends' wives/partners. I've met two of them so far and I like them and I'm friendly but I am a little bit reserved because I'm scared of stepping on anyone's toes. She may just be nervous and unsure.

Tonight I went out for dinner w a guy I'm dating and his partner of 18 years. It was our date and we invited her along. When we got to the restaurant I practically had a panic attack as we were walking towards the booth. I just had no idea who was supposed to sit where and I didn't want to do anything too bold or too pathetic. And I'm still not sure that I picked the right side of the booth. And then when we got back to their place he was saying goodnight to her and that he was going to be gone before she got up in the morning and wouldn't see her till the next day. I broke in and said, wait, let me say goodnight to her and then leave you two alone for a few minutes, bc I didn't want to just be lingering there waiting to say goodnight while they were having a moment. I was probably totally awkward but I have no modeling for this!
 
Hubby and S2 have nothing to do with each other, and both are happy to keep it that way. And honestly, I'm more comfortable with it. Because we're a V, sometimes maintaining boundaries gets a bit confusing. Since they don't have any contact with each other, and don't want any, it's easier for me to keep the two relationships separate. They have met, and they have each other's phone number in case of an emergency, but that's it.

Rubidoux, your story about the dinner with your guy and his partner amused me... Hubby, S2, and I went out to dinner last fall at a casual restaurant so the two of them could meet. We requested a booth rather than a table and so had to wait a bit to be seated, and the entire time, I was stressing about which of them I should sit with, and wondering whether I could persuade them to sit next to each other so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

When we were finally led to the booth, without my having said a word about my awkwardness, Hubby took care of the issue by saying, "I outweigh each of you by about a hundred pounds, so you two can share one side of the booth and I'll take the other." And then he sat down and winked at me.
 
That was an awesome and sweet move on your hubby's part, KC. Nobody came to my rescue, but they each took a side and I was last to sit down. He seemed to be making room for me, she didn't seem to be.

I originally met this guy on okc and after we had had a few exchanges, he sent me her username and it turned out that she and I had "liked" each other months earlier. I kinda loved that when I saw it. And I think that if she and I had met on our own we might have clicked as friends. Last night at dinner I mentioned this YouTube video that I adore and she knew it right away even though I did a pretty bad job of describing it. I hadn't looked at it for at least a couple of years until a couple of days ago and she said that she had just looked at it for the first time in ages, too. And she knew a lot about the background of the people who made it, which I loved. Interestingly, the more I get to know and like her the more I dig him, like he gets credit for having chosen her, which I guess is the flip side of (not sure if it was this thread or the other metamor thread I'm reading right now) needing to be able to trust your partner not to get you involved with crazy. I love the idea of having a partner that I can trust to attract and pick out people that I'd like to spend time with.
 
rubidoux said:
..When we got to the restaurant I practically had a panic attack as we were walking towards the booth. I just had no idea who was supposed to sit where and I didn't want to do anything too bold or too pathetic. And I'm still not sure that I picked the right side of the booth. ..
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When I find myself in that situation I just race ahead and sit down first and let them sort it out.:rolleyes: If they are long-term partners they probably have some etiquette between them for just that situation (and, in all likelihood, don't actually care much for themselves and are more concerned with whatever will make YOU the most comfortable).
 
rubidoux said:
.. Nobody came to my rescue, but they each took a side and I was last to sit down. He seemed to be making room for me, she didn't seem to be.
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I think you made the right choice in that case. After all, it was originally your date and you know him better than her - so it makes sense.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
When I find myself in that situation I just race ahead and sit down first and let them sort it out.:rolleyes:
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Lol, that's what I do!

polypiesofly said:
No, it's not a must. I met her and introduced her to him, thinking we are friends. So maybe I'm offended she's not interested in my friendship, but that's no reason for my husband to not have a happy healthy relationship with this nice girl
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I'm the same as you. It's not a must, but if given the choice, I prefer to be on friendly terms/have a friendship of sorts. My current metamore, Silver, seems to prefer more of a 'hands off' approach than I do... but she also has a very busy life!
 
OP - I'm going to agree with the others. I think she might just be nervous, unsure, uncomfortable - having never been in that situation before. Not knowing how any response is going to be taken she might just freeze up - like a deer in headlights. When Dude started dating I didn't know whether I should text him like I generally do (nothing that requires a response - just where I am and when I expect to be home) - I was afraid that the date might feel that was intrusive or controlling. We (me and him) talked about it - I should just do what I normally do, don't worry about it, and it is up to him to manage his phone when he was out (can turn it to silent, only check it occasionally, whatever.)

On the other hand, if she is, consciously or not, just trying to ignore you and make you "disappear" so she can have the illusion of a mono relationship with your shared guy...well, that may or may not be a problem - but that will become evident soon enough.
 
rubidoux said:
... Interestingly, the more I get to know and like her the more I dig him, like he gets credit for having chosen her, which I guess is the flip side of (not sure if it was this thread or the other metamor thread I'm reading right now) needing to be able to trust your partner not to get you involved with crazy. I love the idea of having a partner that I can trust to attract and pick out people that I'd like to spend time with.
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Yup!:D

He gets credit for a.) choosing her AND b.) being awesome enough to attract someone as cool as her. Which means that a.) YOU must ALSO be awesome and b.) he might be worthy of your attention!

I notice this with friends as well - my closest friends all get along well, even if they have never met before. Smart, funny, compassionate people will. I am very blessed to have the friends, lovers, partners (and family) that I do.:p
 
I would have a serious issue if a metamour ignored my attempts of contact. I wouldn't neccesarily push for it in the beginning, but I would expect contact as time went on. Otherwise they are not metamours in my eyes, just a name doing my husband.
 
@ polypiesofly ... I think you should distance yourself from your husband's new girlfriend, so that you won't be frustrated so much. Let her get in touch with you if that's what she wants. Unless she does cowgirling behavior, she isn't technically causing a problem.
 
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