To look or not to look....

M

marksbabygirl

Member
That is the $64,000 question.

I pushed for poly. He's the one getting to know someone.

A situation happened over the weekend that put me through the wringer.

Its all working itself out - but it pointed out to ME a few things I need to work on myself.

I haven't been actively looking for another relationship - I've been in the 'if it happens it happens' mindset.

Last night I was in the "nope, no one for me right now thank you very much' mindset

Now - I'm lonely. I'm watching all the NRE bubbling around my dh and I'm happy for him - but I want that.

Meh - having a dip in my mood today. Not surprising considering the weekend.
 
That's so hard. Three have been a few people come on here with similar complaints. They wanted poly to begin with and their partner reluctantly agreed, yet they are the ones finding all the dates. Usually its men complaining about that, but it that doesn't mean a gender is attached to this kind of heartache and loneliness. I feel for you.

NP decided that he would use the time to do some things for himself. He read self help books, became more spiritually aware, blgged tons and enjoyed reading TONS! It made him a very attractive catch when the right person came along. He changed and grew during that time and is better for it. Maybe this is the universes way of saying that this time is for you, rather than time to get to know others.

Besides, you may need to be available for the after math of early NRE. They are at the gleeful stage, its all roses and charm no? Ya, lots of dynamics to work out yet. You might just find you are grateful for not having someone elses dynamics to work out!
 
marksbabygirl said:
That is the $64,000 question.

I pushed for poly. He's the one getting to know someone.

A situation happened over the weekend that put me through the wringer.

Its all working itself out - but it pointed out to ME a few things I need to work on myself.

I haven't been actively looking for another relationship - I've been in the 'if it happens it happens' mindset.

Last night I was in the "nope, no one for me right now thank you very much' mindset

Now - I'm lonely. I'm watching all the NRE bubbling around my dh and I'm happy for him - but I want that.

Meh - having a dip in my mood today. Not surprising considering the weekend.
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Ahh, now this is something I know a little bit about. :D

In my experience this is one of those things in which moderation is the key.

If you go into 100% "creeper mode"(as we say in New Jersey) then you can come off as desperate and that will end up in fail.

However, if you spend all of your time doing personal development(especially if that personal development doesn't involve interaction with other people) then you won't have the circumstances to meet people that you would want to date.

For me I balance my self work with going to a poly event once a month. This allows me to have potential circumstances in which I can meet someone and at the same time do the self work. A good balance for you, of course, would most likely look different.
 
Hi,

Did you enter poly (presumably polyfi?) for the right reasons? Like, do you have a religious faith or culture of origin in which it is the usual arrangement? Or because you and your sig other really had some one of good character that you really wanted in your lives? Or was it just that you saw some one attractive or some ones who are attractive (to whom you have no sig relationship) and felt attracted so you suddenly thought you are poly? There is a difference you know between enjoying eye candy and really wanting to date some one.
 
oooh, mbg, this sounds like me! i was the one who pushed for poly with my husband when we were dating, mostly because i knew he had other interests and i didn't want to risk being lied to.

the first weekend he left town to stay with someone else (almost 5 years ago), i purposely made no plans at all. i had offers from a few friends - and a very tempting offer from an ex - to go out and do various stuff. however, like you, i recognized that there was some stuff simmering that i should probably work on.

so i stayed home alone, read, cleaned, relaxed, went shopping, etc. it gave me time to really think about what i was feeling and why and what the root of all that was. i worked through some of my own fears and insecurities that weekend and that insight is still very much with me.

i know (believe me) how tempting it is to go out and find a fling of your own when you're feeling this way...and that may end up being totally appropriate! but in my experience, it was worthwhile to examine what i was feeling and why, to make sure my motivations and expectations were appropriate and that any relationship i ended up pursuing would be from a place of security and desire. ymmv, of course! :)

in any case, good luck to you!
 
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Don't look until you are ready to look.

I've always been amazed at when I'm looking for something I can't find it to save my life. When I stop looking it smacks me right in the face.

My husband and I never thought we'd find our "unicorn". As soon as I stopped looking there she was.
 
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