To tell or not to tell that is the question.

[masterengineer]

so i need help with an issue. my wife and i have been poly almost 2 years now and she has been having issues with her BF who is living with us since January. she gets upset with the fact that he is always on his Xbox and never spending time with her. he has a history of cheating and she suspects that he is spending time with the girls on Xbox for other reasons then to play games with. in our relationship he isn't suppose to have anyone else because she doesn't think she can trust him yet not to just leave. he says he loves her more then anything and she really does love him. I'm a tech savvy guy and i hack into his Xbox account and start monitoring his messages and find that he is indeed cheating on her with sexting with some of the players that he plays with. He claims he doesn't and basically lies to my wife about it. Since i found this information out un ethically and I don't want to be the cause of their demise, how do i handle this information that I have at hand and screenshots

 

[GalaGirl]

Is this YOUR xbox? Or his? I guess if yours, you can do what you want to it. If it is his, you are gonna have to apologize for breaking and entering.

Right now he's sexting. That might not count as "cheating" to him because it's text. It might count for her though. That's stuff they have to sort out between them. Not you.

Though I could see where you are not going to be thrilled with this new knowledge.

Could apologize for hacking his stuff (if his machine.) Could tell him you saw. Could tell him you don't love him cheating on agreements or lying to her. And that you prefer he cut that out and sort it with his GF (your wife.)

Because if their agreements pinch him, better he tell her that. He tells her that he wants to xbox flirt/sext/date other people up front. Then he can keep on dating and he's not cheating/lying any more. Tell him you want to give him opportunity to own it and clean it up himself.

Otherwise you could tell wife what's going on and let the chips fall where they may.

Alternately -- do nothing. Let the chips fall where they may.

in our relationship he isn't suppose to have anyone else because she doesn't think she can trust him yet not to just leave.

As for her... why's she setting herself up to be " his gatekeeper" for who he dates or not? He's not an adult? Why didn't he say "No, thanks. Don't want a gatekeeper" when she wanted to start doing that?

Or is pandemic screwing things up and he's kinda stuck sheltering here and so as not to get kicked out, he's going along with whatever she says? Even when it's not totally ok?

All adults can leave. Even you, the husband. You could decide you don't want to be married any more. So why her hang up with this guy?

If he's just flat out not trustworthy? And this isn't about them having wonky set up with their agreements where she set herself up as gatekeeper and he went underground because reason __?

Why's he in your HOUSE? Why is she dating him?

You mentioned he has a history of cheating. Ok. Does she have a habit of picking people with poor character and untrustworthiness? Why pick him out to date then if it's just gonna be stress?

Like if he has issues... fine. What's she bringing him home for? Who is it YOU have the problem with? Him? Her? Both?

I am confused.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello masterengineer,

I think you have to consider, how your wife will react later if she finds out you had this information and *didn't* share it with her. For that reason, you should probably tell her. Tell her, you know it was wrong to hack into her boyfriend's Xbox account, but this is what you found out. Honestly, she should probably not be dating this guy if he is cheating on her. But, let her be the one who makes that decision, using all of the information that is potentially available to her. Hacking the boyfriend's account was wrong, but admitting you did that would be the right thing to do from here. Otherwise she's going to feel like you covered for her boyfriend.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I need help with an issue. My wife and I have been poly almost 2 years now. She has been having issues with her BF who has been living with us since January. She gets upset with the fact that he is always on his Xbox and never spending time with her.

That's their problem, not yours.

He has a history of cheating, and she suspects that he is spending time with the girls on Xbox for other reasons then to play games with them.

That's their problem, not yours.

In our relationship he isn't supposed to have anyone else, because she doesn't think she can trust him yet not to just leave.

It's not "our" relationship, it's theirs. And it's their problem.

He says he loves her more then anything and she really does love him. I'm a tech savvy guy, and I hacked into his Xbox account and started monitoring his messages...

Why did you do that? That was highly unethical. And it's none of your business.

... and find that he is indeed cheating on her, sexting with some of the players that he plays with. He claims he doesn't, and basically lies to my wife about it. Since I found this information out unethically and I don't want to be the cause of their demise, how do i handle this information and the screenshots?

Their breakup isn't a "demise," a death. The relationship could end because they aren't compatible, or mature enough to conduct adult relationships properly. She thinks he's a lightweight and liable to cheat. She is trying to keep him in line, and it's not working. All this is their problem.

However, you made a mistake. You also "cheated," that is, you invaded his privacy without his knowledge. Everyone's acting kinda sketchy, don't you think? You say you and wife have been poly for 2 years, yet this is how y'all are behaving? Maybe you need to rethink polyamory until you and wife get your ethics straight and learn not to try and control others, but instead get true informed consent for what you're doing, want to do, agree to do, and then negotiate like adults.