To understand why people avoid you

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
We were in the courtship phase.

Just because you list reasons for rejecting someone, doesn't mean you don't have dysfunctional relationship patterns. Sometimes, those reasons can be excuses in disguise to avoid intimacy. For example, I courted a woman with a tendency to avoid intimacy. We flirted, sent nudes, sexted, and told each other we liked each other. Later, she started saying things like I'm too young for her. I knew that was an excuse because if that was the case, she would've rejected me long ago. She knew about our age difference the first time we met and didn't have a problem with it. We wouldn't have flirted and sexted. She finally admitted the real reason she didn't think we weren't right for each other was because she was scared of intimacy due to childhood trauma.

I feel like you're in denial about how your parents affect your relationships and defensive about it. I posted a link to attachment theory and how it works. This has been researched and supported. Think about it. Your parents or caregivers are the first people you formed relationships with. Why wouldn't they influence your relationships the most? Why would things like your partner's music or fashion tastes be a bigger influence than your parents' relationship? What would it mean if you accepted your childhood trauma influenced your ability to attach to people?

Your choice of words also suggest you tend to avoid intimacy. Why do you have a very serious need to avoid drama? Why is your personality healthy only at times? Why not all the time? What kind of people do you relate to? Why do your partners know everything about you, but you don't know everything about them? Why do people only trust in you sometimes? You say "I don't have to share anything about me if I don't want to", why is that?

As a side note, I'll say ignoring people without any explanation is unhealthy. The only time you should do it is if you know your physical safety is in danger if you reject someone. Other than that, it's painful to the people being ignored. I understand many men get extremely upset over rejection, but you can't control how they react. You can only take responsibility for your actions.

What the heck is "courtship phase" though? That is not terminology used where I am which is why I asked what it means.

You seem very focused on childhood trauma. Are you okay? Do YOU have trauma you're dealing with and hope that by sharing the prevalence, you can find others to share with?

People trust and open up to me often. I don't trust as much because I don't want to. I honestly don't have the bandwidth for many deep connections and my romantic relationships fill that space. I have many people who would consider me a friend, but few that I would call friend - part of that is just a difference in perspective on how deep a relationship needs to be to get the friend title. If I wouldn't call you in an emergency, you're more of an acquaintance than a friend in my opinion. Other people consider anyone they positively interact with on a regular basis a friend. I don't think either perspective is wrong.

My mental health is important to me. I have anxiety. Avoiding dramatic outbursts helps me function daily. Sometimes ignoring people absolutely is healthy, even if it isn't PHYSICAL danger that is the concern. Unless you've been called a bitch, whore, cunt, ugly, etc because you've tried politely turning someone down, then you do not get to tell me what is and is not a healthy way to end an online/text conversation with someone who I have been flirting with. I've experienced or been told multiple stories about all of those things. I get enough red flags? I'm out. For my mental health. Someone does not need to be physically dangerous to be not healthy for me.

Like this conversation. No longer healthy for me to engage in because it is reminding me of every jerk I've ever interacted with who decided they know me better than I know myself based off of a few sentences. I don't appreciate being told that I must obviously have trauma because I refuse to put up with people's bullshit. So I'll just wish you good luck and move on with my life.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Like this conversation. No longer healthy for me to engage in because it is reminding me of every jerk I've ever interacted with who decided they know me better than I know myself based off of a few sentences. I don't appreciate being told that I must obviously have trauma because I refuse to put up with people's bullshit. So I'll just wish you good luck and move on with my life.


I too, share this particular policy and I agree wholeheartedly with you. So, fwiw, I am right there with you, my dude. :)
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I too, share this particular policy and I agree wholeheartedly with you. So, fwiw, I am right there with you, my dude. :)
Is "my dude" meant as "my woman person" here? I think that's a hip expression you younguns use for anyone these days, but it seems jarring when discussing how horny jerk men call women who reject them whore, bitches, fat, etc., when they are politely turned down for after being propositioned for sex. ;)
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Is "my dude" meant as "my woman person" here? I think that's a hip expression you younguns use for anyone these days, but it seems jarring when discussing how horny jerk men call women who reject them whore, bitches, fat, etc., when they are politely turned down for after being propositioned for sex. ;)


As I do not know the gender and/or preferred pronouns of the individual I was responding to, my dude was used as it is a gender neutral term.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Is "my dude" meant as "my woman person" here? I think that's a hip expression you younguns use for anyone these days
I grew up in California and we've been saying dude that way for decades. I dunno how hip it is, but it is used for and by everyone. It's much like "Hey, man." Maybe it sounds odd to an east coast ear, but It is what it is.
 

ref2018

Maid of All Work
Staff member
I grew up in California and we've been saying dude that way for decades. I dunno how hip it is, but it is used for and by everyone. It's much like "Hey, man." Maybe it sounds odd to an east coast ear, but It is what it is.
It's like "you guys" being gender neutral for groups. We say "you's" without the "guys" in Mass.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I grew up in California and we've been saying dude that way for decades. I dunno how hip it is, but it is used for and by everyone. It's much like "Hey, man."


I grew up strictly East Coast and we do the same. So, I am not too entirely certain what she means by her post, but I don't appreciate the tone of it.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I understand dude, man, guy, etc., can be used for either gender, but it seemed rather jarring when we were discussing women being called bitch, whore and cunt by rejected male horndogs. That's all.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I understand dude, man, guy, etc., can be used for either gender, but it seemed rather jarring when we were discussing women being called bitch, whore and cunt by rejected male horndogs. That's all.


No, you are deliberately attempting to pick a fight by implying that I said something disparaging to @AlwaysGrowing and that is simply NOT the case. Miss me with that.
 
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