To understand why people avoid you

Isaiah990

Member
To understand why your partner is avoiding you, think about what happened in their childhood and the last conversations you had. That should tell you everything. Long ago, I tried to court 1 girl. She told me about her traumatic childhood and how her family issues still hurt her. In our last conversation, I poured my emotions out on the topic of family. We flirted and the next day, she told me to find other girls before avoiding me. One day we flirt and the next day she's telling me to find other women? It doesn't make sense! When attraction gets too strong, some people avoid you because they're hurt of being abandoned like they were in their childhoods.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
One day we flirt and the next day she's telling me to find other women? It doesn't make sense!

It's frustrating when people change their minds, but I don't know how healthy it is to blame their childhood. Isn't it just as easily explained with "they got caught up in the moment (or weren't sure how to get themselves out of it)" and then "they thought better of it and dumped us like smelly garbage"?

I wouldn't go doing intellectual backflips to explain why a stranger is not into it. Usually we just didn't make the cut by whatever criteria they are using. Does their childhood play a part in their decision? Yes, our childhood plays a part in most every decision we will ever make. Is that the critical piece of data here? Almost certainly not.
 

Isaiah990

Member
Childhood is the biggest influence on what kind of partners we pick. Scientists researched something called attachment theory and found how parents treat their children will determine what kind of relationships they'll have. If their parents were dysfunctional, children will tend to pick partners who are also dysfunctional.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html
 

TinCup

Member
Felt you were headed that way, hence the book link. But don't overlook @Marcus 's point, if you start seeking attachment you'll miss people.
 

ref2018

Maid of All Work
Staff member
It's frustrating when people change their minds, but I don't know how healthy it is to blame their childhood. Isn't it just as easily explained with "they got caught up in the moment (or weren't sure how to get themselves out of it)" and then "they thought better of it and dumped us like smelly garbage"?

I wouldn't go doing intellectual backflips to explain why a stranger is not into it. Usually we just didn't make the cut by whatever criteria they are using. Does their childhood play a part in their decision? Yes, our childhood plays a part in most every decision we will ever make. Is that the critical piece of data here? Almost certainly not.


Thank you for doing the intellectual labor to put all this into words and for doing the physical labor of posting it in a comment so the rest of us didn't have to.
 

ref2018

Maid of All Work
Staff member
Yeah, I didn't mean to sound like an asshole, I apologize if my comment came across that way. I could have just said to Marcus, "You took the words right out of my mouth" and left it at that, but I already made one other cliché comment in two different places on the internet today, so I wanted to try being original for a change.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Childhood is the biggest influence on what kind of partners we pick. Scientists researched something called attachment theory and found how parents treat their children will determine what kind of relationships they'll have. If their parents were dysfunctional, children will tend to pick partners who are also dysfunctional.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

The concept of "how we are parented has an impact on our personality profile" is neither new, nor profound, nor particularly instructive. It is simply re-stating an anecdotally obvious reality.

What is your plan of action with all of this "hard science" you are gathering up?
 

Evie

Mod
In our last conversation, I poured my emotions red flags out on the topic of family.

fixed it.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
My parents are the type to keep people in their lives no matter what. I grew up seeing people take advantage or disappear/come back repeatedly or be unhealthy in other ways and my parents just... accept it? Try to talk about it occasionally? "Forgive and forget" repeatedly?

I made a decision that I wouldn't do that. Starting as a teen, if I see red flags or incompatibility, I just cut people off. Probably went too extreme and became unhealthy in the opposite way than my parents. Lol

But yeah. In your example scenario, in that woman's shoes... I wouldn't have felt that I owed you an explanation or anything for realizing that we aren't compatible and just disengaging. Emotional labor is exhausting and guys tend to argue instead of accepting a no thanks. So... Maybe a better example is needed?
 

Isaiah990

Member
My parents are the type to keep people in their lives no matter what. I grew up seeing people take advantage or disappear/come back repeatedly or be unhealthy in other ways and my parents just... accept it? Try to talk about it occasionally? "Forgive and forget" repeatedly?

I made a decision that I wouldn't do that. Starting as a teen, if I see red flags or incompatibility, I just cut people off. Probably went too extreme and became unhealthy in the opposite way than my parents. Lol

But yeah. In your example scenario, in that woman's shoes... I wouldn't have felt that I owed you an explanation or anything for realizing that we aren't compatible and just disengaging. Emotional labor is exhausting and guys tend to argue instead of accepting a no thanks. So... Maybe a better example is needed?
This is what I'm talking about. You and her seem to have the same type of personality.

How do you know I'm gonna argue over rejection?

Because you're projecting your unmet needs and childhood trauma onto people. Closeness is dangerous for you. When things get too emotional, you tend to avoid it altogether.

In a mature and healthy relationship, you're supposed to have hard conversations.
 

Evie

Mod
If anyone overtly attempts to psychoanalyse everyone they interact with, romantically or platonically, it's a very effective way of alienating people and having people end contact.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
This is what I'm talking about. You and her seem to have the same type of personality.

How do you know I'm gonna argue over rejection?

Because you're projecting your unmet needs and childhood trauma onto people. Closeness is dangerous for you. When things get too emotional, you tend to avoid it altogether.

In a mature and healthy relationship, you're supposed to have hard conversations.

But were you in a relationship? By "courting" I assume the getting to know/feeling out compatibility stage, not an actual full blown relationship.

I don't ghost people I actually know well. I send a "this isn't going to work because of" and list the reasons then if they are drama causers block everywhere. If not drama causers, no need to block. We can just move on.

Assuming that my very serious desire to avoid drama and my very valid point that A LOT of men argue when told no is because of some trauma is ridiculous. It was just watching and learning/trial and error to see what works for me. I tried the whole letting people down easy thing and more often than not it led to drama. So I don't do it unless it's a pretty serious cut off. Many, many, many women can share multiple stories of men blowing up and making them feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or worse after being rejected. Good for you for not being like that, but don't let that diminish legitimate experiences. I've never felt unsafe or anything, just pissed that dudes try to be manipulative or rude.

I had a friend who I cut out of my life despite loving her deeply. She was a drug addict though and I just couldn't watch her hurt herself anymore. She wasn't ready to change yet. I told her all of that. That I loved her but couldn't be in her life anymore at this point. She was not a dramatic person so she just apologized (not that she needed to - she was an addict, not abusive or bad in any way) and we both moved on. She got clean after we had moved to other sides of the country and sent me a message THANKING me for cutting her off. Believe it or not, my personality can be healthy and helpful at times. Lol

I'm not afraid of closeness at all, but I have no desire to foster artificial closeness with people I don't actually relate/connect to. I have my two partners that know literally everything possible about me, and I know quite a lot about them. Other people confide in me at times, and while I'm happy to be a support it doesn't mean I'm going to reciprocate by sharing about myself unless I want to. Their openness doesn't mean I owe them anything. Just like you sharing your emotional baggage didn't mean she owed you more contact.

Obviously people's experiences shape how they handle life, but it doesn't always mean trauma or immaturity or any of the things you seem to want to blame. Sometimes people just aren't interested and aren't interested in expending more energy than necessary on ending flirtations.
 

Isaiah990

Member
But were you in a relationship? By "courting" I assume the getting to know/feeling out compatibility stage, not an actual full blown relationship.

I don't ghost people I actually know well. I send a "this isn't going to work because of" and list the reasons then if they are drama causers block everywhere. If not drama causers, no need to block. We can just move on.

Assuming that my very serious desire to avoid drama and my very valid point that A LOT of men argue when told no is because of some trauma is ridiculous. It was just watching and learning/trial and error to see what works for me. I tried the whole letting people down easy thing and more often than not it led to drama. So I don't do it unless it's a pretty serious cut off. Many, many, many women can share multiple stories of men blowing up and making them feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or worse after being rejected. Good for you for not being like that, but don't let that diminish legitimate experiences. I've never felt unsafe or anything, just pissed that dudes try to be manipulative or rude.

I had a friend who I cut out of my life despite loving her deeply. She was a drug addict though and I just couldn't watch her hurt herself anymore. She wasn't ready to change yet. I told her all of that. That I loved her but couldn't be in her life anymore at this point. She was not a dramatic person so she just apologized (not that she needed to - she was an addict, not abusive or bad in any way) and we both moved on. She got clean after we had moved to other sides of the country and sent me a message THANKING me for cutting her off. Believe it or not, my personality can be healthy and helpful at times. Lol

I'm not afraid of closeness at all, but I have no desire to foster artificial closeness with people I don't actually relate/connect to. I have my two partners that know literally everything possible about me, and I know quite a lot about them. Other people confide in me at times, and while I'm happy to be a support it doesn't mean I'm going to reciprocate by sharing about myself unless I want to. Their openness doesn't mean I owe them anything. Just like you sharing your emotional baggage didn't mean she owed you more contact.

Obviously people's experiences shape how they handle life, but it doesn't always mean trauma or immaturity or any of the things you seem to want to blame. Sometimes people just aren't interested and aren't interested in expending more energy than necessary on ending flirtations.
We were in the courtship phase.

Just because you list reasons for rejecting someone, doesn't mean you don't have dysfunctional relationship patterns. Sometimes, those reasons can be excuses in disguise to avoid intimacy. For example, I courted a woman with a tendency to avoid intimacy. We flirted, sent nudes, sexted, and told each other we liked each other. Later, she started saying things like I'm too young for her. I knew that was an excuse because if that was the case, she would've rejected me long ago. She knew about our age difference the first time we met and didn't have a problem with it. We wouldn't have flirted and sexted. She finally admitted the real reason she didn't think we weren't right for each other was because she was scared of intimacy due to childhood trauma.

I feel like you're in denial about how your parents affect your relationships and defensive about it. I posted a link to attachment theory and how it works. This has been researched and supported. Think about it. Your parents or caregivers are the first people you formed relationships with. Why wouldn't they influence your relationships the most? Why would things like your partner's music or fashion tastes be a bigger influence than your parents' relationship? What would it mean if you accepted your childhood trauma influenced your ability to attach to people?

Your choice of words also suggest you tend to avoid intimacy. Why do you have a very serious need to avoid drama? Why is your personality healthy only at times? Why not all the time? What kind of people do you relate to? Why do your partners know everything about you, but you don't know everything about them? Why do people only trust in you sometimes? You say "I don't have to share anything about me if I don't want to", why is that?

As a side note, I'll say ignoring people without any explanation is unhealthy. The only time you should do it is if you know your physical safety is in danger if you reject someone. Other than that, it's painful to the people being ignored. I understand many men get extremely upset over rejection, but you can't control how they react. You can only take responsibility for your actions.
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
We flirted, sent nudes, sexted, and told each other we liked each other. Later, she started saying things like I'm too young for her. I knew that was an excuse because if that was the case, she would've rejected me long ago.

I don't know if she was talking about your physical age or your emotional age, but I'm confused about why you are dismissing the reasons provided by these women out of hand. Isn't it possible that they are telling the truth and they scraped you off once they got to know you a little bit better?

Is it so unbelievable to you that someone could not be into you that you? I'm a pretty easy guy to get along with, but there are some people (possibly many, I'm not sure) who are simply not into me. Sometimes they know it right when the meet me, and sometimes it takes them a bit to get to the layer of the onion that they aren't interested in. In the end the result is the same, they weren't into me and they gave it a pass. I don't need to go on and on about what did or didn't happen in their childhood, they answered the question and I took them at their word.

Relationship chemistry is considered a magical trait because it doesn't happen frequently, and even when it does it doesn't always stick around. Sometimes we jive and sometimes we don't. Take it on the chin, otherwise all of the finger pointing kind of proves their point for them.
 

ref2018

Maid of All Work
Staff member
She finally admitted the real reason she didn't think we weren't right for each other was because she was scared of intimacy due to childhood trauma.
Yeah, that's a version of "it's not you, it's me" and loosely translated into English, it means she decided she wasn't into you after getting to know you a little bit, and told a lie so as to try not to hurt your feelings. That's the truth, and it's free from me to you.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Your choice of words also suggest you tend to avoid intimacy. Why do you have a very serious need to avoid drama? Why is your personality healthy only at times? Why not all the time? What kind of people do you relate to? Why do your partners know everything about you, but you don't know everything about them? Why do people only trust in you sometimes? You say "I don't have to share anything about me if I don't want to", why is that?

Are you offering feedback from your life experience in several long term, serious romances or from only having read relationship manuals?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I would guess that *some* breakups can be traced, at least to some extent, back to childhood trauma. But then, not every breakup is unhealthy.
 

Isaiah990

Member
I would guess that *some* breakups can be traced, at least to some extent, back to childhood trauma. But then, not every breakup is unhealthy.
The vast majority are the result from childhood trauma. Here's a couple of facts.

35 million children experienced child abuse. That's half of America. 80% of families are dysfunctional. Around 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Lack of communication is one of the reasons why relationships end. Cheating and cutting off all contact with partners without explanation is very common.

These are issues stemming from childhood trauma. People who have been abused as children tend to develop negative habits in relationships. They won't trust their partners with their feelings because they're afraid of being abandoned like they were in childhood. That's why they cheat and just leave the relationship without explanation.

Very few relationships end because of healthy reasons.
 
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