Torn between my heart and my mind

[Crunchymama]

Hello all! I am new to polyamory and am so so confused. Prior to the relationship I am currently in, I was in a decade-long monogamous relationship. It was a marriage of convenience that grew into love. But from my end, I never experienced real love with him.

As my marriage was dissolving, I reconnected with an old friend and it was an instant connection. I knew he was the man I wanted and needed. He became my best friend. I knew I wanted him in my life forever. The problem was he was married. He explained that he loved his wife, but he had always had a desire to have another woman, and had acted on it previously, though not in a long time. He also told me that his love for me was pure, and our connection was stronger than the connection he currently and previously had with his wife.

I told him I would never ask him to leave her, but as our relationship grew, I didn't feel right with her not knowing, and pushed him for months to tell her about us. Once he told her about me, the relationship I had with him did a 180. He told me he wasn't leaving her, but wanted to continue his relationship with me on the sly. I couldn't go on sneaking, so I offered for her to meet me and for us to continue our relationship in an open way.

At first, though she was hurt, she tried to share him in an open way, but now we can't even be in the same room without her there. She has had an opportunity to get to know me, and though, at times, we have really connected, she has expressed her hatred for me. She has completely restricted our relationship to a friends-only status, and refuses to allow him to see me unless she is supervising. She has told me it's ok for us to be sexually connected, but not emotionally.

The problem is, he and I have a deep connection, and though I know she can't break that, I feel guilty for staying. I cry daily because my heart is heavy with yearning. He is my missing piece, and monogamy is a sacrifice I am willing to make to complete my puzzle. I have tried dating other men, and realize that it's pointless because he holds my heart in his hands. Her disdain for me hurts, because I would like to be friends with her. However, lately I feel much bitterness towards her, because she is taking away something that was beautiful and loving, and replacing it with anger, jealousy, and negativity.

He tells me I should just be patient, that he will never leave me, but her actions say otherwise. They tell me that it's pointless. I hate to see both of us women in so much pain. Should I stay, hoping things will improve? My children have also grown to love him, and would be crushed to have him removed from our lives. I'm so torn.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Monogamy is a sacrifice I am willing to make to complete my puzzle. I have tried dating other men, and realize that it's pointless, because he holds my heart in his hands. Her disdain for me hurts, because I would like to be friends with her. However, lately I feel so much bitterness towards her, because she is taking away something that was beautiful and loving, and replacing it with anger, jealousy, and negativity.

Is she taking something away from you, or denying you something that was never truly yours?

You say that you would sacrifice monogamy for him. Are you sure you could take a back seat to the primary relationship he has with his wife? Giving up monogamy (if you are monogamous) is not as easy as some think. Not only do you share your partner, but you will also have to deal with all the external stuff-- explaining your relationship to friends and family, being judged as either incapable of finding someone for yourself, or being a homewrecker. When you are head over heels in new relationship energy, nothing can faze you. But when that wears off, things can seep back in.

He has already said he will never leave her. That tells you something right there. He has already established you as a permanent secondary, in my opinion. He has also expressed a desire to cheat on his wife to be with you, which means he is likely capable and willing to cheat on you with others, as well. Good for you for not going down the selfish and destructive path of a continued affair.

This is likely not the man who will be the father figure for your children (not that that is what you are looking for); a friend perhaps. But can you learn to channel your love for him in a friendly way?

My biggest points of concern are this:

A. He admits he will never leave his wife
B. He is willing to disrespect his wife and bring you into a world of deceit by engaging in an affair. That is a selfish act, one that hurts you, his wife, and him.

I would consider moving on, creating distance. Let the NRE wear off so that logic can resurface. There seems to be little health and stability in this relationship.

 

[SNeacail]

The betrayal of cheating is an incredibly hard thing to get over. It is so much more than just the sex. It hits you in every insecure spot. There are a few couples on here that realized poly through cheating, and frankly, it is an incredibly difficult route to take. It can take YEARS, not weeks, to slow down the rollercoaster. Don't expect this to get better anytime soon. It may get worse before it gets better.

 

[River]

.She has told me it's okay for us to be sexually connected, but not emotionally.

Putting aside all other issues and topics in the initial post, I just have to say that only people who have a serious disconnect in their minds and hearts could segregate sexual connection from emotional connection. The body (or "soma") makes no such distinction. Sexual activity, for healthy people, is an intensely emotionally-involved activity. If it isn't, there's a split in the psyche of a pathological nature. That split is now quite common, but it remains a symptom of pathology.

Though many will say that sex has nothing to do with love, that's simply not true. People who say this have no room for nuance or holistic sensitivity. Sex is NEVER mere recreation, on a par with bowling.

 

[River]

I said, "no room for nuance" above. What I'm trying to get at here is that while sexual activity will always be an emotionally intense activity for healthy people, that need not mean that everyone who has sex has got to immediately go out and find a preacher and get themselves married and have children and pick out drapes and dishes.

There are many ways to have emotionally intense connections with people. Sexual activity will always involve emotional intensity -- sans pathology. One need not get married to be emotionally involved with others. But that leaves a lot of wiggle room, doesn't it? Must we pretend that sex is akin to bowling together? It obviously isn't. I HOPE!

 

[River]

Laughter at my above posts indicates agreement to send the author $5.43 per chuckle. Contact the author for details on mailing.

 

[River]

He is my missing piece.

Repeat that phrase to yourself 55 times, while looking yourself in the mirror. If you succeed in doing so and not cracking yourself up, send $5.53 to the author per NOT chuckle. Shampoo, rinse, repeat.

 

[redpepper]

Putting aside all other issues and topics in the initial post, I just have to say that only people who have a serious disconnect in their minds and hearts could segregate sexual connection from emotional connection. The body (or "soma") makes no such distinction. Sexual activity, for healthy people, is an intensely emotionally-involved activity. If it isn't, there's a split in the psyche of a pathological nature. That split is now quite common, but it remains a symptom of pathology.

Though many will say that sex has nothing to do with love, that's simply not true. People who say this have no room for nuance or holistic sensitivity. Sex is NEVER mere recreation, on a par with bowling.

Although I largely believe the same thing here, I think this is true for individuals... including me and you, River. Still Crunchy has expressed that she is connected, it's her metamour (the wife) that thinks Crunchy and the "hinge" husband can get off without being close. It seems the wife is around all the time to ensure they don't get connected. Oops, too late, they already are.

What makes matters worse is that because the wife is insisting that she is around all the time, she is creating a situation where both of the others are desperate. Desperation causes inappropriate behaviour-- affairs. At least it would to me, anyway. Tell me not to do something and I will work harder to get it.

I think patient is all you can be. Drowning the wife in attention and being the sweetest person ever might help. A good guest in someone else's house wins favours and might mean that eventually the husband can talk to the wife and say, "Look, sweety, seriously, this is going on because we love each other. She has done what you have asked. Isn't it time to cut her some slack?

Personally, I would move on and see what happens. You never know, the husband might be devastated, and it might be what moves the situation more to your favour. I think this is more along the lines of what I would do. Drop him an email every day, but get about your life. You have no control over this, so why not work on stuff that you do have control over?

Your kids will get over it. They are versatile. Really, they have nothing to do with it. You are using that as an excuse to stay in this situation.

This wife thinks she has it all tied up in a bow. She doesn't. But that is between them, not you. You just are there to play the waiting game. You might as well entertain yourself and do other things while you wait.

 

[IndieSolo]

As I understand it, Crunchymama, it isn't just enough that his wife had to know about you. She needs to accept and approve the relationship, for it to really be polyamory. Otherwise, you're still just the mistress of a cheating husband whose wife happens to be aware of you. She doesn't approve, and hasn't accepted being in a poly relationship, obviously, since she's just saying it's okay for him to be sexual with you, but not to love you.

Why do you think it's still okay to continue the relationship with him under these circumstances? I am curious how you rationalized it, or how he convinced you to keep doing it.

You didn't want her permission before he cheated on her with you, and so you knowingly engaged with him in doing something quite disrespectful to another woman, his wife, to whom he has a commitment. The fact that you insisted he tell her, eventually, was too little, too late, if you ask me. You make it seem as if something's wrong with her for being hurt and "hating" you, and for wanting to restrict your involvement with her husband. But you helped him to betray her. Own up to that, at least. And now it's his responsibility to repair that broken trust.

I think you absolutely need to walk away and let him take care of his marriage. Your presence in his life is not helping. If they get back on level ground, and both are on board with you being his second partner, well then, you have a choice to make. As long as you continue the way it is now, her disdain and disapproval of you, and the tension between them because of you, will make you feel like what you have with him is something cheap and tawdry. Is it worth it?

It is unfortunate that you let your children get close to him. (How long have you been together?) But if you hold your head high and walk away from this, at least they will see how Mommy is able to ethically rectify a mistake she made, and can recover from a messy situation with dignity. Find a hobby, make some friends, date other guys. Leave this one alone for a while.

Edit: Please see the post I just added to Mahogany's thread. You should've introduced yourself as the person she's trying to deal with. What I wrote above still stands as my opinion, but until we knew who you both were, it was like we were flying blind, trying to discuss your situation or offer advice!