IndigoTiger
Member
My husband and I were in a cross relationship with another "married" couple for nearly 3 years. I dated Justin, while Kenny dated Kay.
Throughout the 3 years we knew them, Kay and I had a really hard time getting along. Something was off about her and I didnt trust it. I attempted to let it go as I do not veto my husbands partners. This resulted in a massive compilation of various incidents that I cant help but feel like an idiot as it all builds to obvious toxicity- or at least that's how it feels from where I'm standing.
It seems as though Kay had a habit of targetting individuals who have gone through severe trauma of some type. When we all met and began talking, the first serious conversation that Kay had with my husband was him disclosing he had been raped. After the first 3-4 weeks of talking initially, my husband and I received a long text from Justin on behalf of both of them, cutting things off and accusing us of having an agenda with them. We were confused but decided to let it go and move forward, until they came back to us and apologized 3 months later. Eventually, they confessed that they had dumped us to focus on a relationship with another girl, the week after she had gotten gang raped. And then villainized her when she ghosted them- and came back to us. This is just one of many examples of victims being targeted.
Within the first 6 months of Kenny and Kay's relationship, Kay began communicating that she wanted to marry him. My husband would then become her 3rd. I made it very clear that while I support it, it doesn't mean that it doesn't make me feel weird considering
1.) She still had yet to fix the legality of her marriage to Justin, her second husband so that he could have legal rights to her children he was helping raise
2.) I didnt even have a ceremony for my marriage with Kenny for financial reasons.
And
3.) Kay's personal debt was pushing 6 digits with absolutely no responsibility taken for that or any sort of bills in her own home. Any money spent on a ceremony would be ours.
When these issues were expressed, they were dismissed coldly as "not her problem" and eventually used in building a case against me to explain how mean and judgemental I am.
About 8 months into the relationship, it was decided for Kenny and I that we would look at the house across the street from this "polycule". It was a decent size 3 bedroom and over $200 more expensive than our previous home. When I protested this, again, I was accused of being judgemental and untrusting. Because I knew they likely wouldn't follow through with the agreement they made. They just needed more space to spread out and they were already struggling as it was.
When I was proved to be right, we were villainzed again because we made issue out of them not paying us.
I would also later find out that Kay confessed to my husband, Kenny, that she was not actually attracted to her primary, Justin. That she was simply building a life for herself in which she didnt have to do anything.
Now this brings us to the formation of their polycule. The family we came into consisted of Kay, her second husband, Justin, her 3 children, her 1st husband (father), his fiance (main child care), and her 2 children. Between the men, they juggled 4-5 jobs, the fiance had a home business, and Kay had either no job, or a part time job the entire 3 years we knew them, which only funded her dating and personal life (she made that quite clear).
Meanwhile, the financial pressure and chaos of so many people coexisting, the main parenting individuals had a temper unlike anything I've seen. Constant Screaming. Threats to break the children's arms and legs. Threats to kill them. Some of you may remember some posting made about this a few years ago, which resulted in a massive reeming and villainising from all of them. Accusing me of being too sensitive and a terrible person for putting their family at risk.
It then became a massive defense for them any time I expressed issue with the way the children we spoken to. Alot of manipulating and gaslighting basically telling me that if I really believe they abuse their children then theres something wrong with me.
I was then forbidden to post here anymore.
Close to the end of the relationships, I was dealing with horrible tragedy of a suicide in my family.
To clarify, Kay spoke early on to me about the suicide of one of her first loves. That her sensitivity to that was unlike anything else and she understands loss. She maintained the label of an "empath" from the day we met and used it alot as an explanation for her level of understanding as well as an excuse for acting out several instances.
Right after this death in my family happened, Kay turned on me harder than I ever would have expected. She stopped talking to me at all socially and apparently began a whole new Facebook group to discuss me and talk both of my partners against me. During that time- while I was unaware of what was going on- I went to her for emotional support because of the trust she had built and my desperation for some sort of guidance as I was insanely depressed. She then blamed my- very much- existential depression on how I've treated her. Told me that neither of my partners wanted to connect to me because I hurt her.
It didnt take me very long after this to discover that she is likely a narcissist. I don't like making that sort of decisive judgement on anyone, but so much built over time that I dont even know how else to wrap my head around what we just went through. I came out having learned alot, but I need to reach out because I dont know how to process this. What just happened to us? Does anyone else have any other relatable stories? I've definitely learned that poly lifestyles can enable alot of toxicity and its hard to know what boundaries to set for yourself without feeling closed off to wonderful possibilities.
We have since, entirely cut off contact and are attempting to move forward. But my husband and I keep finding ourselves in almost PTSD- type cycles.
The gaslighting, the lack of trust in motives, paranoia, etc.
If anything this has made me distant from everyone and I just need advice on how to look at this.
Throughout the 3 years we knew them, Kay and I had a really hard time getting along. Something was off about her and I didnt trust it. I attempted to let it go as I do not veto my husbands partners. This resulted in a massive compilation of various incidents that I cant help but feel like an idiot as it all builds to obvious toxicity- or at least that's how it feels from where I'm standing.
It seems as though Kay had a habit of targetting individuals who have gone through severe trauma of some type. When we all met and began talking, the first serious conversation that Kay had with my husband was him disclosing he had been raped. After the first 3-4 weeks of talking initially, my husband and I received a long text from Justin on behalf of both of them, cutting things off and accusing us of having an agenda with them. We were confused but decided to let it go and move forward, until they came back to us and apologized 3 months later. Eventually, they confessed that they had dumped us to focus on a relationship with another girl, the week after she had gotten gang raped. And then villainized her when she ghosted them- and came back to us. This is just one of many examples of victims being targeted.
Within the first 6 months of Kenny and Kay's relationship, Kay began communicating that she wanted to marry him. My husband would then become her 3rd. I made it very clear that while I support it, it doesn't mean that it doesn't make me feel weird considering
1.) She still had yet to fix the legality of her marriage to Justin, her second husband so that he could have legal rights to her children he was helping raise
2.) I didnt even have a ceremony for my marriage with Kenny for financial reasons.
And
3.) Kay's personal debt was pushing 6 digits with absolutely no responsibility taken for that or any sort of bills in her own home. Any money spent on a ceremony would be ours.
When these issues were expressed, they were dismissed coldly as "not her problem" and eventually used in building a case against me to explain how mean and judgemental I am.
About 8 months into the relationship, it was decided for Kenny and I that we would look at the house across the street from this "polycule". It was a decent size 3 bedroom and over $200 more expensive than our previous home. When I protested this, again, I was accused of being judgemental and untrusting. Because I knew they likely wouldn't follow through with the agreement they made. They just needed more space to spread out and they were already struggling as it was.
When I was proved to be right, we were villainzed again because we made issue out of them not paying us.
I would also later find out that Kay confessed to my husband, Kenny, that she was not actually attracted to her primary, Justin. That she was simply building a life for herself in which she didnt have to do anything.
Now this brings us to the formation of their polycule. The family we came into consisted of Kay, her second husband, Justin, her 3 children, her 1st husband (father), his fiance (main child care), and her 2 children. Between the men, they juggled 4-5 jobs, the fiance had a home business, and Kay had either no job, or a part time job the entire 3 years we knew them, which only funded her dating and personal life (she made that quite clear).
Meanwhile, the financial pressure and chaos of so many people coexisting, the main parenting individuals had a temper unlike anything I've seen. Constant Screaming. Threats to break the children's arms and legs. Threats to kill them. Some of you may remember some posting made about this a few years ago, which resulted in a massive reeming and villainising from all of them. Accusing me of being too sensitive and a terrible person for putting their family at risk.
It then became a massive defense for them any time I expressed issue with the way the children we spoken to. Alot of manipulating and gaslighting basically telling me that if I really believe they abuse their children then theres something wrong with me.
I was then forbidden to post here anymore.
Close to the end of the relationships, I was dealing with horrible tragedy of a suicide in my family.
To clarify, Kay spoke early on to me about the suicide of one of her first loves. That her sensitivity to that was unlike anything else and she understands loss. She maintained the label of an "empath" from the day we met and used it alot as an explanation for her level of understanding as well as an excuse for acting out several instances.
Right after this death in my family happened, Kay turned on me harder than I ever would have expected. She stopped talking to me at all socially and apparently began a whole new Facebook group to discuss me and talk both of my partners against me. During that time- while I was unaware of what was going on- I went to her for emotional support because of the trust she had built and my desperation for some sort of guidance as I was insanely depressed. She then blamed my- very much- existential depression on how I've treated her. Told me that neither of my partners wanted to connect to me because I hurt her.
It didnt take me very long after this to discover that she is likely a narcissist. I don't like making that sort of decisive judgement on anyone, but so much built over time that I dont even know how else to wrap my head around what we just went through. I came out having learned alot, but I need to reach out because I dont know how to process this. What just happened to us? Does anyone else have any other relatable stories? I've definitely learned that poly lifestyles can enable alot of toxicity and its hard to know what boundaries to set for yourself without feeling closed off to wonderful possibilities.
We have since, entirely cut off contact and are attempting to move forward. But my husband and I keep finding ourselves in almost PTSD- type cycles.
The gaslighting, the lack of trust in motives, paranoia, etc.
If anything this has made me distant from everyone and I just need advice on how to look at this.
