This is my first post on this forum, but both my husband and my real-life poly friends are tired of hearing about this, so I thought some new eyes might make my path a little clearer right now.
My boyfriend (we'll call him HipsterBoy) and I are currently discussing the future of our relationship - which is sort of a euphemism for "he tried to dump me and just be friends and I am either too stubborn to admit it or he's making a mistake". But we're still talking about it, so I'm not quite ready to call it quits.
The background: started dating last May. His first experience with anything poly, my first experience with an actual *relationship* instead of a FWB arrangement. (And by first, I really mean first relationship as an adult - my husband and I met when we were 16 which is an entirely different thing. We've made it work - 16 years dating, 14 non-monogamous in various configurations, 11 married. Still a different thing.)
In a weird but fabulous-for-a-while arrangement, his wife (Pink!Girl) and my husband (TheKnight) also started dating at around the same time (thank you, OKC algorithms). We all hung out together, our kids got along really well, she and I even had some level of potential (we're close friends now with some past intimacy, not sure whether there's any future potential or not due to AllTheOtherThings). Not that things were perfect - Pink!Girl and TheKnight had wildly incompatible communication styles and possibly life outlooks, and there were more than a few misunderstandings and drama amongst the 4 of us. But it felt like it was turning into some sort of permanent quad.
(Also, HipsterBoy and I had some weirdly unhealthy communication patterns going, too, that I didn't realize were there until a few days ago - I make assumptions instead of asking questions, he avoids talking about things that he thinks will be hurtful... led to a lot of being in the dark about things.)
Then, a ridiculous amount of life drama happened to all of us, more to them (3 deaths of people close to them in 2 months, 1 unexpected) than us but nonetheless. HipsterBoy pulled back from the relationship at that point, but it seemed to be more about not wanting to deal with the logistics than about not having the connection. Although all this - which happened in January - was also almost exactly the point at which I think the NRE was fading, which got lost in everything else. We talked and were going to be "more casual" then, although he meant a different thing by that than I did, apparently. (I thought it was a question of practical demands vs one of relationship depth, he goes back and forth about what he meant.) So we got back together and when we were actually *together*, and not around our partners or our kids, it was back to amazing. Admittedly, there were several times in which we saw each other that were a little bit more "meh", or at least not the "I want to rip your clothes off" level of intensity that we once had, but those were on occasions in which the context was Not Great for various reasons.
Meanwhile the relationship between Pink!Girl and TheKnight was circling the drain in a truly spectacularly drama-filled, on-again off-again fashion, with lots of collateral damage and complexity. They finally broke up a few weeks ago, though they're trying to be friends, of some sort - it's a weird situation. And she and I are closer than ever, partially over talking about their breakup and now my... whatever it is.
HipsterBoy started getting distant at that point - just like he had in January. This time I called him on it, and the answer I got was "oh, the connection isn't there anymore, I love you and we're more than friends but I think we should just be platonic".
Much conversation ensued.
He hadn't realized that the NRE would eventually mellow, he hadn't noticed that the evenings he was basing the lack of spark theory on were affected by everything else going on around us, nor that the evenings without that were still pretty electric, and (after an awkward evening spent hanging out platonically) hadn't realized just how different the lack of casual touch would make things.
So in many ways he agrees that there's still something there but he's not sure if he wants to pursue it as a serious long-term thing, just due to the time/energy question, and not being entirely sure he's capable of multiple long-term emotional relationships. (And I think he's afraid I'll try and go more serious than he is, given I reacted a bit dramatically to the initial idea of being platonic.)
I think we could keep all the good parts of this as "occasional lovers" / intimate friends without having to define it as Some Giant Romantic Thing, and without it having to be a thing where we have to keep pouring energy into it (as yeah, trying to maintain it at NRE levels without feeling like that wasn't / isn't working.) There's a lot here I don't want to lose - a very deep friendship, we're somewhat kindred spirits in a lot of ways, and, well, some pretty amazing sex.
Am I insane? How do you negotiate the transition of a relationship in a graceful fashion? Is that sort of casual intimacy even possible?
My boyfriend (we'll call him HipsterBoy) and I are currently discussing the future of our relationship - which is sort of a euphemism for "he tried to dump me and just be friends and I am either too stubborn to admit it or he's making a mistake". But we're still talking about it, so I'm not quite ready to call it quits.
The background: started dating last May. His first experience with anything poly, my first experience with an actual *relationship* instead of a FWB arrangement. (And by first, I really mean first relationship as an adult - my husband and I met when we were 16 which is an entirely different thing. We've made it work - 16 years dating, 14 non-monogamous in various configurations, 11 married. Still a different thing.)
In a weird but fabulous-for-a-while arrangement, his wife (Pink!Girl) and my husband (TheKnight) also started dating at around the same time (thank you, OKC algorithms). We all hung out together, our kids got along really well, she and I even had some level of potential (we're close friends now with some past intimacy, not sure whether there's any future potential or not due to AllTheOtherThings). Not that things were perfect - Pink!Girl and TheKnight had wildly incompatible communication styles and possibly life outlooks, and there were more than a few misunderstandings and drama amongst the 4 of us. But it felt like it was turning into some sort of permanent quad.
(Also, HipsterBoy and I had some weirdly unhealthy communication patterns going, too, that I didn't realize were there until a few days ago - I make assumptions instead of asking questions, he avoids talking about things that he thinks will be hurtful... led to a lot of being in the dark about things.)
Then, a ridiculous amount of life drama happened to all of us, more to them (3 deaths of people close to them in 2 months, 1 unexpected) than us but nonetheless. HipsterBoy pulled back from the relationship at that point, but it seemed to be more about not wanting to deal with the logistics than about not having the connection. Although all this - which happened in January - was also almost exactly the point at which I think the NRE was fading, which got lost in everything else. We talked and were going to be "more casual" then, although he meant a different thing by that than I did, apparently. (I thought it was a question of practical demands vs one of relationship depth, he goes back and forth about what he meant.) So we got back together and when we were actually *together*, and not around our partners or our kids, it was back to amazing. Admittedly, there were several times in which we saw each other that were a little bit more "meh", or at least not the "I want to rip your clothes off" level of intensity that we once had, but those were on occasions in which the context was Not Great for various reasons.
Meanwhile the relationship between Pink!Girl and TheKnight was circling the drain in a truly spectacularly drama-filled, on-again off-again fashion, with lots of collateral damage and complexity. They finally broke up a few weeks ago, though they're trying to be friends, of some sort - it's a weird situation. And she and I are closer than ever, partially over talking about their breakup and now my... whatever it is.
HipsterBoy started getting distant at that point - just like he had in January. This time I called him on it, and the answer I got was "oh, the connection isn't there anymore, I love you and we're more than friends but I think we should just be platonic".
Much conversation ensued.
He hadn't realized that the NRE would eventually mellow, he hadn't noticed that the evenings he was basing the lack of spark theory on were affected by everything else going on around us, nor that the evenings without that were still pretty electric, and (after an awkward evening spent hanging out platonically) hadn't realized just how different the lack of casual touch would make things.
So in many ways he agrees that there's still something there but he's not sure if he wants to pursue it as a serious long-term thing, just due to the time/energy question, and not being entirely sure he's capable of multiple long-term emotional relationships. (And I think he's afraid I'll try and go more serious than he is, given I reacted a bit dramatically to the initial idea of being platonic.)
I think we could keep all the good parts of this as "occasional lovers" / intimate friends without having to define it as Some Giant Romantic Thing, and without it having to be a thing where we have to keep pouring energy into it (as yeah, trying to maintain it at NRE levels without feeling like that wasn't / isn't working.) There's a lot here I don't want to lose - a very deep friendship, we're somewhat kindred spirits in a lot of ways, and, well, some pretty amazing sex.
Am I insane? How do you negotiate the transition of a relationship in a graceful fashion? Is that sort of casual intimacy even possible?