I’m autistic and have never truely understood the appeal of monogamy. It’s always been something I’ve adhered to after my first relationship, though- which was very open, and very traumatic. So naturally I wanted to move as far away from things reminding me of that as possible. I have since realised that open relationships probably don’t suit me, as they inherently lack the sense of safety that comes with familiarity, which is incredibly important to me in any intimate setting. To an extent, the clearly defined rules and structure of monogamy do in fact favour the way my brain functions. But monogamy always felt like a restriction imposed on me to suit others and simplify (and dismiss) my own emotions. It never felt like something that is truely reflective of my feelings.
In my mind, relationships form naturally over time, and limiting what shape they form can only serve to nip what could be a very beautiful possibility in the bud. Not to say no limits and regulations should exist. For an autistic person like myself who struggles to intuit others boundaries, someone who needs these limits clearly stated, this is especially important.
I’m coming to understand that the way I form relationships in general is incredibly unique, at least when compared to a cishet, neurotypical person (I will certainly post more about this in future). But recently I hit a wall in trying to understand the complicated intersection of autism, aromanticism and polyamory in my life. That wall was my girlfriend, who I’ve been in a committed monogamous relationship with for four years. And honestly, I can see myself sticking with monogamy forever just so I can stay with her. I know how that sounds, and she respects me too much to let me do something like that, but I do mean it. I just can’t find anyone who compares to her and I honestly believe I’d be happier off ignoring some of my feelings till I die than trying to find everything I have with her again with anyone else- or even trying to find half of it between four people. I see her as a soulmate for lack of a better term, and I would do nearly anything to keep her in my life for as long as she’s willing to stay by my side.
However, in the best possible case scenario, I talked to her about these concerns and she opened up about her curiosity towards polyamory, and willingness to try it, even at the risk of changing our relationship forever. She very much wears her heart on her sleeve so I had already known on some level this was something she was far more open towards now than she was four years ago. But nonetheless it was a huge relief to hear she’s even willing to consider it, let alone commit to it.
This doesn’t mark much more than a change in boundaries for now as we’re well aware that rushing into such a huge change would be sure to have severe consequences. But this is ultimately the permission I desperately needed to feel comfortable embracing the feelings I’ve been trying to ignore, and figure out what it is I really want. I already I know I love my girlfriend and can’t imagine my life without her and… who else?
This is where I introduce the other key player in this story- my best friend. We’ve been inseparable since we started highschool and she’s truly been with me through both my highest and lowest points. I used to call her a sister to express how close we are… but at some point that comparison began to feel uncomfortable. I can’t begin to explain how valuable she is to me, but it’s certainly not something I can explain easily with any form of familial, romantic, sexual or platonic attraction. By all means we might have dated by now, but both of us are aromantic, and she is also asexual, so frankly there is little form we’ve imagined our friendship taking beyond just that. A friendship. And at the same time, I would not hesitate to call her my soulmate too.
I am well aware of queerplatonic relationships (Or QPR for the uninitiated. If you don’t understand what that is and what that means, I kindly ask you to please educate yourself rather than dismissing my experiences, thank you.) I do believe forming that type of partnership with her might help to convey to her- and anyone I may talk to about her- how incredibly valuable our relationship is. That is, after all, the thing I want more than anything. Just to tell her how important she is to me and feel like she actually understands what I’m trying to say. In the hierarchy of my relationships, I already consider my best friend and my girlfriend on equal footing, and give both relationships equal time and energy to the best of my abilities.
As such, the transition from a friendship to a committed QPR, like the change in my relationship with my girlfriend, would likely mark little immediate change beyond my own comfort and security in understanding and expressing my feelings. And finally having something that I feel properly expresses to my friend just how much I love her? How much I appreciate and value her? How committed I am to our relationship? I couldn’t put a price on that.
And now, there is no confounding factor of my monogamous relationship. Whether this particular change is something that will work out remains to be seen, but I truely can’t deny it any longer that it’s something I deeply desire. The next step seems obvious and yet I am so, so very scared to take it.
Already my girlfriend and my friend are joking about having her as ‘our third’. Which I would write off, if not for the fact that my recent conversation with my girlfriend about polyamory was preluded by many months of joking about the idea, which of course lead to very real changes. As previously stated, my girlfriend is very much the type to wear all her thoughts and feelings on clear display, she simply has no interest in hiding such things. And when I refuse to engage in their jokes, my friend appears genuinely hurt on some level.
There’s also the issue that my girlfriend exclusively expressed the desire for a triad relationship, and I’m not sold on the idea that she would want a closer relationship with my friend. They have a strong friendship themselves, but I struggle to imagine them forming a closer bond than that. But then again, I also struggled to imagine my girlfriend ever being open to polyamory at all, and yet here we are. I have complete faith that if I simply talk about these concerns we will find a compromise that benefits all three of us.
And still… I am scared of change. Maybe again it is my autism, causing me to cling desperately to what is familiar and safe at any cost- even my own happiness. What I have right now is so precious to me and I can see it slipping through my fingers. I can only try to have faith it will be replaced by something better.
I know it will take work- so much time and effort to build something new. But as much as I look forward to that, it also shakes me to my core. I’m really playing with fire here- these are the two most valuable relationships in my life. I trust if things go poorly we can find some way to manage the fallout, and I’m certain that the benefits outweigh the potential cons at least tenfold. And still, I find myself doubting everything.
In my mind, relationships form naturally over time, and limiting what shape they form can only serve to nip what could be a very beautiful possibility in the bud. Not to say no limits and regulations should exist. For an autistic person like myself who struggles to intuit others boundaries, someone who needs these limits clearly stated, this is especially important.
I’m coming to understand that the way I form relationships in general is incredibly unique, at least when compared to a cishet, neurotypical person (I will certainly post more about this in future). But recently I hit a wall in trying to understand the complicated intersection of autism, aromanticism and polyamory in my life. That wall was my girlfriend, who I’ve been in a committed monogamous relationship with for four years. And honestly, I can see myself sticking with monogamy forever just so I can stay with her. I know how that sounds, and she respects me too much to let me do something like that, but I do mean it. I just can’t find anyone who compares to her and I honestly believe I’d be happier off ignoring some of my feelings till I die than trying to find everything I have with her again with anyone else- or even trying to find half of it between four people. I see her as a soulmate for lack of a better term, and I would do nearly anything to keep her in my life for as long as she’s willing to stay by my side.
However, in the best possible case scenario, I talked to her about these concerns and she opened up about her curiosity towards polyamory, and willingness to try it, even at the risk of changing our relationship forever. She very much wears her heart on her sleeve so I had already known on some level this was something she was far more open towards now than she was four years ago. But nonetheless it was a huge relief to hear she’s even willing to consider it, let alone commit to it.
This doesn’t mark much more than a change in boundaries for now as we’re well aware that rushing into such a huge change would be sure to have severe consequences. But this is ultimately the permission I desperately needed to feel comfortable embracing the feelings I’ve been trying to ignore, and figure out what it is I really want. I already I know I love my girlfriend and can’t imagine my life without her and… who else?
This is where I introduce the other key player in this story- my best friend. We’ve been inseparable since we started highschool and she’s truly been with me through both my highest and lowest points. I used to call her a sister to express how close we are… but at some point that comparison began to feel uncomfortable. I can’t begin to explain how valuable she is to me, but it’s certainly not something I can explain easily with any form of familial, romantic, sexual or platonic attraction. By all means we might have dated by now, but both of us are aromantic, and she is also asexual, so frankly there is little form we’ve imagined our friendship taking beyond just that. A friendship. And at the same time, I would not hesitate to call her my soulmate too.
I am well aware of queerplatonic relationships (Or QPR for the uninitiated. If you don’t understand what that is and what that means, I kindly ask you to please educate yourself rather than dismissing my experiences, thank you.) I do believe forming that type of partnership with her might help to convey to her- and anyone I may talk to about her- how incredibly valuable our relationship is. That is, after all, the thing I want more than anything. Just to tell her how important she is to me and feel like she actually understands what I’m trying to say. In the hierarchy of my relationships, I already consider my best friend and my girlfriend on equal footing, and give both relationships equal time and energy to the best of my abilities.
As such, the transition from a friendship to a committed QPR, like the change in my relationship with my girlfriend, would likely mark little immediate change beyond my own comfort and security in understanding and expressing my feelings. And finally having something that I feel properly expresses to my friend just how much I love her? How much I appreciate and value her? How committed I am to our relationship? I couldn’t put a price on that.
And now, there is no confounding factor of my monogamous relationship. Whether this particular change is something that will work out remains to be seen, but I truely can’t deny it any longer that it’s something I deeply desire. The next step seems obvious and yet I am so, so very scared to take it.
Already my girlfriend and my friend are joking about having her as ‘our third’. Which I would write off, if not for the fact that my recent conversation with my girlfriend about polyamory was preluded by many months of joking about the idea, which of course lead to very real changes. As previously stated, my girlfriend is very much the type to wear all her thoughts and feelings on clear display, she simply has no interest in hiding such things. And when I refuse to engage in their jokes, my friend appears genuinely hurt on some level.
There’s also the issue that my girlfriend exclusively expressed the desire for a triad relationship, and I’m not sold on the idea that she would want a closer relationship with my friend. They have a strong friendship themselves, but I struggle to imagine them forming a closer bond than that. But then again, I also struggled to imagine my girlfriend ever being open to polyamory at all, and yet here we are. I have complete faith that if I simply talk about these concerns we will find a compromise that benefits all three of us.
And still… I am scared of change. Maybe again it is my autism, causing me to cling desperately to what is familiar and safe at any cost- even my own happiness. What I have right now is so precious to me and I can see it slipping through my fingers. I can only try to have faith it will be replaced by something better.
I know it will take work- so much time and effort to build something new. But as much as I look forward to that, it also shakes me to my core. I’m really playing with fire here- these are the two most valuable relationships in my life. I trust if things go poorly we can find some way to manage the fallout, and I’m certain that the benefits outweigh the potential cons at least tenfold. And still, I find myself doubting everything.
