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rdr2

New member
Hi. I am in my first ever relationship (I am 23 she is 20). We are together just over a year and stuff are starting to get serious (as serious as they can get for people our age). My gf is poly. I am figuring out what I am but I am concerned to go into a poly relationship.There are two things;

1) Her friend with benefits (which although she does not admit it, he is the main reason she wants an open relationship), a 40 year old married guy, is cheating on his wife (this has been happening since she was 16 up until we met -sex at that age is legal in our country btw-). This is a trigger for me. One of my parents is cheating on the other one. Even now that he knows, she continues to do that. As if that is not enough, he cant leave her because he is currently unemployed and jobs at his age and education are hard to come by. Jesus christ what a soap opera.

2) I have long thought that I am mono, mainly because I get jealous at the idea of her being with other men. At finding this site and reading a few threads, I realized that jealousy is both unavoidable even in poly relationships, and it has more to do with me and my self image than with her. This helped me be less jealous. So I am thinking of giving poly a shot.

But damn it if I am not confused. On the one hand, I want to live my life, I want to be with other women. I am at the prime of my life. On the other hand, I get jealous when she wants to do the same. This is unfair and selfish. But also I get to be co-conspirator in what may possibly change somebodys life to the living hell I see my father go through.

I know that monogamy is rarely going to 100% fulfil someone. So, both from an ethical (subjective, I know) and a functional standpoint, it does not make sense. With this in mind, I kind of understand what my mother and my gf's "friend", are thinking. They want to be happy. They do what makes them happy. World be damned. Can I honestly say I would not do the same?

I have gone out of topic. I have made up my mind on what I am going to do with my relationship. I am going to change my relationship to poly. I could say to my gf, ok but no married guys but I will not. Mainly because that for so many years they were not caught so, hopefully that wont happen now.

There are not much I need from you guys; Experience.

How to keep my jealousy in check. Is it possible that there will be an explosion of jealousy after she has that amazing sex I cannot provide? When she will tell me the details or how good and different it was? What is the best way to handle my jealousy? :confused:
If you know of a good thread around here (related to this topic), that I may have missed, feel free to point me there.
 
Hello and welcome, rdr2! It sounds like your first relationship is more complicated than a lot of people’s firsts.

I think it’s pretty common for people in the polyamorous community to share your feelings about cheating. Plenty of people have a hard limit around cheating or facilitating cheating in other people’s relationships. I certainly do. I, too, would not like to be the “co-conspirator” in ruining someone’s life, as you say. Partly from empathy for their situation, but honestly, partly because secrets usually do come out eventually, and I don’t need that kind of drama in my network of relationships, even at a slight remove from me.

rdr2 said:
I know that monogamy is rarely going to 100% fulfil someone. So, both from an ethical (subjective, I know) and a functional standpoint, it does not make sense. With this in mind, I kind of understand what my mother and my gf's "friend", are thinking. They want to be happy. They do what makes them happy. World be damned. Can I honestly say I would not do the same?
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It’s the ‘world be damned’ part that is problematic though. Even if I were feeling unfulfilled in monogamy (which, ironically, I generally haven’t during the times when I had only one partner, sometimes for years at a stretch), that doesn’t mean that my desire for greater fulfillment trumps the agreements I’ve made with people. The ethically responsible thing to do is to go to my partner and renegotiate those agreements before doing anything else!

rdr2 said:
I have gone out of topic. I have made up my mind on what I am going to do with my relationship. I am going to change my relationship to poly. I could say to my gf, ok but no married guys but I will not. Mainly because that for so many years they were not caught so, hopefully that wont happen now.
Click to expand...
You’re hanging a lot on that hope. I don’t think I would make the same choice.

rdr2 said:
How to keep my jealousy in check. Is it possible that there will be an explosion of jealousy after she has that amazing sex I cannot provide? When she will tell me the details or how good and different it was? What is the best way to handle my jealousy? :confused:
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My experience has been that sex with different people is more different than comparable. If she learns that she likes some particular technique or toy, I can’t imagine that you couldn’t learn that technique or buy a similar toy, if she asks for it. It’s not a competition, and even if it were, why assume you’d be unable to provide your own ‘different’ way of interacting that is equally amazing? If she’s looking for variety, you are part of that variety, too.

Moreover, if you think you will have a bad reaction to hearing about her sexual adventures with other people, why not ask her to keep the details to herself? There’s no reason you have to hear about it, if it makes you uncomfortable.

Anyway, just my thoughts. Best of luck!
 
I agree with Sunray. There is no reason you have to hear about what goes on between them, good or bad.

Leetah
 
Greetings rdr2,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Here are three jealousy threads that may help you ...

Check those out, and if you still need help let me know. It sounds like you are taking a bold step into poly! I hope it works out well for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I think you could keep this easier on yourself.

There's you, the BF, her, the FWB, and his unaware wife. (That you know of.) When you say "open relationship" does that mean all the people know what's going on? Or are you basically going to all keep the wife in the dark?

This girl is a willing cheating helper. She is seeing a married dude who cheats on his wife. That triggers you because your dad was a cheater. So if she's not gonna dump him? You could dump her. Because you have your own personal dating standard that says "I don't deal in cheaters or cheating helpers." She doesn't meet your standard. She doesn't make the cut.

Is the jealousy from that-- fear that YOU are gonna end up cheated on eventually?

I know that monogamy is rarely going to 100% fulfil someone. So, both from an ethical (subjective, I know) and a functional standpoint, it does not make sense. With this in mind, I kind of understand what my mother and my gf's "friend", are thinking. They want to be happy. They do what makes them happy. World be damned. Can I honestly say I would not do the same?
Click to expand...

No, you wouldn't. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting here or having a problem with it. And for that matter, neither would I. Poly or mono.... it's possible to cheat on agreements. People who want to move in the world like "fuck every one else... it's all about me!" are very selfish in my mind. It's ok to do what makes you happy... to a point. You don't hurt others.

I have made up my mind on what I am going to do with my relationship. I am going to change my relationship to poly. I could say to my gf, ok but no married guys but I will not. Mainly because that for so many years they were not caught so, hopefully that wont happen now.
Click to expand...

Then you don't need help. You have already decided.

If it were me, I would go another way. If I wanted to try poly, I would do it with more trustworthy people. It would not include cheating people.

How to keep my jealousy in check. Is it possible that there will be an explosion of jealousy after she has that amazing sex I cannot provide? When she will tell me the details or how good and different it was? What is the best way to handle my jealousy?
Click to expand...

Why would you even know what kind of sex she has with the other partner? She's a blabbermouth? She can't keep it to sex health questions only? Like... were safer practices like condoms used? That's ok. Talking about doing it up a tree -- that's TMI.

What the jealousy FROM?

Fear that you will wind up cheated on like your dad?

Worry that you cannot compete with his penis size or skills? Like you are inadequate somehow?

Fear of being alone again? Since this is your first serious relationship?

Something else?

Here are some jealousy links. You have to scroll a bit.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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