Traveling Poly (and other private adventures)

Openbook23

Active member
I don't plan to regularly post in this thread, but it's a good holder for exploring times when I do things with partners while being unable to post about them on social media, etc. While my wife and I don't hide that we are poly, we also don't really talk about it openly. Mostly, she doesn't want her family to know because she just doesn't want to have to talk about it. However, our friends in town know; so we do have lots of support and people we can share things with as needed. However, my girlfriend is less open for a variety of reasons. To be fair, it's harder for women to be openly poly for so many reasons (as most around here know). If nothing else, the (wrong) association of poly with promiscuous means women who are openly poly get hit on constantly.

Anyway, the result is that I can't share some things online, even though I want to share. In this case, a trip to Chicago with my girlfriend of 4 months. In future, I'll use this thread to discuss other adventures and how they went.

Quick background. My wife and I have been open for 5 years, but this is my first girlfriend. She's had a few partners, one of which rose to the level of love, but ended. We are in a good place and feel very little jealousy/envy in poly; mostly just compersion. My girlfriend entered ENM in an unusual way. After a divorce, she started dating a guy. They opened up just three months into their relationship (which started mono, and neither have experience with anything else) because both didn't want to be trapped after divorce. They thought it would be a fun way to meet other people and have experiences. Neither aimed at poly, closer to swinging, though she always knew she needed at least SOME emotion involved. I think he does too, but he's not poly (even now). She met me, and we clicked FAST. Within a month, we were fully in love, which threw her partner. She has no desire to break up with him for me (nor do I want her to do that!). So, she's fully poly now, and he's catching up a bit.

This past Sunday through Tuesday, my gf and I went to Chicago, our first trip together! Also, easily the longest time period together (we did spend the night together once, but it was just an evening date, and I had to leave early the next morning. So there were some risks...would we get along for that long? How would our partners feel?

So far, everything has been ideal. The trip was amazing. I love Chicago. She has never been as an adult, and even as a child didn't do the kinds of things we did (art institute is one of my favorite museums and I love the vibe of Chicago so much). We had a great room, fantastic meals, etc. I even surprised her by taking her to a yarn shop (she's a knitter). The look on her face was priceless! We never got tired of each other or even grumpy. Just perfect. I won't discuss the sexual aspects, but we found new connections there, too.

The biggest worry was how her partner would react to it all. There's been some general tensions, and a lot of buildup to this trip. So far, though, he seems like he's doing OK. I'm hopeful this is a turning point. She goes out with me, but she comes BACK to him, and with peace balance and love. He'll eventually see it, I think. I know why he's afraid. My gf and I have a LOT in common. In many ways, I'm her ideal match. At the same time, neither of us want to be each other's primary partners. I'm married; she sees her other partner as her main boyfriend. There are some hierarchy issues on her side I don't particularly like, but they are mostly to protect her partner's insecurities, which DO seem to be improving.

It ended up being a bonding experience for everyone. I feel closer to her than ever before (and she feels the same). Our other partners seem fine. The trip was one I'll remember forever. Just a great time all around!


(comments welcome)
 
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Hi @Openbook23,

It sounds like an awesome trip and hopefully some progress on the insecurities was indeed made!

To be fair, it's harder for women to be openly poly for so many reasons (as most around here know). If nothing else, the (wrong) association of poly with promiscuous means women who are openly poly get hit on constantly.

Thank you for acknowledging this. This is essentially why I’m highly unlikely to ever entertain a relationship with anyone who lives in my city, or even country since it‘s two degrees of separation around here 🙄 How do you and gf manage to avoid being accidentally outed on your home turf?

Also, apologies if i missed this, but how long ago did you meet your gf?
 
It's in the second paragraph, but our first date was March 16th. By that same date the next month, we were definitely in love, though I don't think we said it until towards the end of that month. The speed was due to a lot of shared background, similar interests, and (probably most important) similar emotional stages. We have both spent a lot of time on self-care (meditation, personal awareness, etc.). This allowed us to see each other quickly and make strong connections. We still went through a few waves, of course. I think that's hard to avoid, even if both people are pretty self-reliant. With poly, there's an extra level that relationships tend to be sped up in certain ways, even as they avoid many of the 'esclators' of monogamy. I'm not the first to notice this, of course.

As for being outed, we don't really do that much to avoid it. We go out to eat and do things together and all of that. However, she's not married to her other partner. Nor does she live with him (or plan to do either). So, if we run into someone she knows (which has happened), I'm just her friend. If they assume I'm more, it probably wouldn't matter much. They could just assume she's seeing more than one person (as people do when they are dating). The main thing is that we don't post pics of us on social media. If we did, her family would (apparently) know that I was more than a friend, and they are under the impression that she only has one boyfriend (and it's serious).

She's also saturated right now with just me and her other partner. It's enough for her, and that probably helps. She also has guys who are friends, but not lovers. I'm probably seen as just another one of those by anyone who sees us together.

But let's flip your question a bit to my wife. She dates a lot more people than I do. In fact, since that March 16th date that I met my gf, I'd say she's been on dates with at least 8 different people. That doesn't mean sex with 8 people (not sure on that number, but I'd guess 2 of them? I know of 2, but it's possible she hasn't told me about others). None of those have 'clicked' in the same way, but it's also not clear that she's looking for a boyfriend right now. She says she's in a Blanche phase (LOL).

Anyway, since we live downtown and know a lot of people around here, she will sometimes run into people we know while on a date. I'm not sure what they think. We aren't that secretive, but we also don't go around advertising that we are ENM, either. She mostly doesn't want her family to know, though. Anyone else is whatever to her, but again, she'd rather avoid being hit on by everyone. Still, since all of our friends know we are married, they MIGHT suspect. If they are close friends, they already know, though. We tell them.
 
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Thank you for acknowledging this. This is essentially why I’m highly unlikely to ever entertain a relationship with anyone who lives in my city, or even country since it‘s two degrees of separation around here 🙄 How do you and gf manage to avoid being accidentally outed on your home turf?

Let me ask you one, if you don' t mind. I'm guessing you don't live in the U.S. because it would be hard to follow this rule if you did. But how do you find and meet up with people if they don't even live in the same country? Seems like it would be hard to maintain relationships that way, even though I understand your dilemma.
 
But how do you find and meet up with people if they don't even live in the same country?
With a lot of savings and/or debt lol.

I'm in an intercontinental relationship and I finally got to visit the US last January. I did have tickets previously, for April 2020, but Covid got in the way. As for how to meet people... online works very well. Puck and I met in a special interest group on a different site.

As for how the relationship is maintained, that has also evolved over time but obviously there's a lot of video calls. Frequently under 10 mins just to "touch base" and then a deliberately longer one once a week - at least when he's not in his crazy busy summer season.
 
It's in the second paragraph, but our first date was March 16th.
Thanks! Oops, I somehow missed the «4 months» part 🤦‍♀️ Yep, can definitely identify with waves and skipping some escalators at the moment (and being totally stuck on others)!
 
With a lot of savings and/or debt lol.
Yep! That!

and/or a job that either allows travel without too many hooks or actually sends you overseas for further experience, etc. That’s Edgar (nesting / husband) and I.

We also have a hobby that integrates us relatively quickly into the local scene of that hobby (sorry, vague on purpose). So we never feel like outsiders for long when we travel, be it together or separately. I can entertain the idea of a potential attraction leading to relationship within the hobby group space (shared interests, interesting folks, etc) , but, it has to be in a place far away from home.
 
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Seems like it would be hard to maintain relationships that way
My current platonic+ friendship with Heathcliff that may or may not end up as an intimate LDR (that started me unlurking here) has been maintained as a very close friendship for >20 years. At least some of this success story is due to both of us being driven workaholics (him more than me but I also have a family to look after) who ditch their work/family every now and again and hang out together intensely for a few days at a time. + Shared interests + compatible but different personalities. Something like that.
 
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