Tremendous freedom in a tiny dating circle

O

Orlandobif

Member
I have a friend who is single and just exited a poly relationship. She made interesting statements about pondering solo poly vs not being poly going forward. As she goes on various dates meeting people in ordinary ways she had to say she was involved and poly. Inevitably it deterred the date or would start dating with them having the idea to try it but wanting monogamy down the road thereby ending the short lived dating.

The one thing that really stuck with me is that poly was in the way of her path to dating and potentially her significant other. There is tremendous freedom but only in a very small dating circle. How do you find what you need if you want to be poly also. It is not a mandated lifestyle choice for her. Just measuring the trade offs.

ThoughtS?
 
I think it is definitely a minus. My being openly non-monogamous has deterred many men interested in me into keeping safe distance :p Worse, some of those who do show interest somehow mistake it for sexual permissiveness. And I'm not even looking for a partner. The "openly non-monogamous" is more of an openly stated view that if people were meant to be in exclusive one on one relationships, we'd have some vampire romance style mechanism lighting up when we met our destined partner and we'd be unable to get horny with someone else :p So anyone even casually speaking with me on the subject of romance or sexual relationships knows upfront that I'd never ever promise to not be involved with someone else - even if I died single. I'd be involved with whom I felt a compatibility with and my relationship with anyone would be between us, not standing like a disapproving chaperone between either of us and the world at large.

That said, I don't actively date. I was happy on my own. I somehow stumbled into Spexy by sheer luck (and his tenacity) and we were of similar views. I am still not looking for anyone. I could meet someone, I may not, I may even lose Spexy at some point. It is not an agenda item in life. I'm happy with myself and happy if I find people I genuinely want to be involved with, but I wouldn't spend time from things which I enjoy, to hunt for it. So I have no idea what sort of thinking is predominant among the "dating pool" so to say - people who are actually meeting other people in order to find a partner.

I can't imagine "adjusting" to monogamy, though. I think it is about how we see relationships. What if you found someone you really were into at the wedding reception? :p On the other hand, someone may find it a worthy trade-off? I don't know. Converting to monogamy in order to start dating among those people in the hope of finding a partner in a larger pool.... seems to be a lot of sacrifice for little promise of returns...
 
I mean, what would scream worthy partner about someone who needs a relationship that strikes out alternatives in order to keep a partner? Sounds like coming first in a race on your solo morning jog. What would be worth keeping in a partner who'd want you to not enjoy people you enjoy, just because they exist?

Maybe I'm not wired for mono.
 
It should be no surprise that dating as a poly results in a smaller dating pool. And maybe some polys who are 60% poly and 40% mono would find it worth giving up polyamory in order to have a larger dating pool. Personally, I don't care how small the dating pool is, I'm firmly in the poly camp and wouldn't have it any other way. To a large extent, I consider it a matter of principle.
 
Sure there's a reduced dating pool, but that's ok, because I want the people that I am going out with to be compatible with me. Just like some people won't date others who have children, or who don't want kids, or who aren't completely married to their job - each restriction narrows the amount of people available. Poly is just another way to do that. I'm not going to change, so it would be pointless for me to try and date people who aren't open to the idea.
 
I see it the same way as the others. It's not a deterrent, it's a way to assess compatibility. The goal is not to date as many people as possible. The goal is to date people who I can be happy with. I wouldn't be happy in a mono relationship so why would I open my dating pool up to that, unless I just want to get laid?
 
For me, being poly hasn't been an appreciable deterrent. I know I am wired poly and would not be happy with a possessive man who felt he owned me and my sexuality. BTDT, over it.

In fact, since my nesting partner is a woman (as I am) I think I am more attractive to some men who think we might be a package deal and they'll get their longed for FMF. I often need to tell OK Cupid potentials my gf and I do not share partners.

But I never lack in suitors who understand that and still want to date me, on a sliding scale of casual-ish to more seriously. It still might be different for me if my nesting partner was male, I suppose, since men do seem to get competitive about other penises setting up camp in my vagina. I dunno. Guys can be so weird.

I've always been an alternative kind of person, so if my dating pool is smaller because I am poly, I don't mind. I am picky and don't want a run of the mill straight mono vanilla boyfriend anyway. I'd rather just have sex with my gf or masturbate than date someone inappropriate for me.
 
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