triad issues -- when is it the last straw?

D

doglover0217

New member
Part of a V triad and we all live together. I'll name one B and one C

B did something that really hurt C, and it was amplified further by the act being during a particularly vulnerable time for C. I've been simmering on it for a few days and the more I simmer the more resentment I feel toward B. I have never resented someone so much in my life, and I am enraged that B felt the audacity to act and behave the way they did.

I've tolerated some BS here and there (mostly attributed to immaturity and obliviousness, but this time was purposeful and intentional) but I feel like I've finally reached a breaking point where I absolutely cannot be in a relationship with B if they are going to treat C in such a hurtful way.

Unfortunately we live together, so saying "I cannot be in a relationship. I can't even be friends with you" would most likely be the end of all of it. C is really hurt, but the two of them are married so it complicates it a little more. C has stated before that they are not interested in carrying out a relationship with two people in two separate apartments, that basically the V is the only thing that they want.

I think I'm strong enough to actually say "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" and accept the consequence if C doesn't want to do the extra work of two people in two apartments. I think it's the right thing to do, but how can you be sure?
 
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Hi doglover:

Please give nicknames to your people. Makes it a lot easier for us to follow what you're saying. You can make edits today only.
It sounds like the person you're upset with is your metamor. That couple is married and you are not married. Is this correct?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I have a hard time reading initials. I am going to take the liberty of naming them generic things. If you like something else, I am totally willing to go with what you pick, ok?

Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. I will put the things I don't totally get in blue.

CAST

  • Doglover -- this is you.
  • Cat -- this is one of your partners.
  • Bird -- this is another of your partners.
  • You are all in a triad or V (Which is it? Are you romantically involved with both of them? Or just Cat and roomies/friends with Bird?)
  • You all live together.
  • Cat and Bird are married to each other.

BACKGROUND

During a vulnerable time for Cat, Bird did something to hurt Cat on purpose.
At the time you said nothing, but now you feel a lot of resentment and anger toward Bird for treating Cat this way.
  • You have let things like that slide in the past, but this one? You have reached your breaking point.
  • You have decided you do not want to be in a relationship with Bird any more if they are going to treat Cat poorly like that.
  • You want to move out.

PROBLEM

If you move out, that's could be the end of the polyship. Not just change from a "Cohabitating V model" to a "Separate Homes V"model. But no polyship at all. Because Cat says they are not interested in carrying out a relationship with two people in two separate apartments. Basically a "cohabitating V" model is the only thing they are willing to practice.

I think I'm strong enough to actually say "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" and accept the consequence if C doesn't want to do the extra work of two people in two apartments. I think it's the right thing to do, but how can you be sure?
Click to expand...

I get the vibe that even if Bird apologized and did not do that stuff any more -- you would still prefer to live elsewhere. Is that true?

If you are done living together -- the right thing is for you to move out. Because you STAYING living there with pent up anger and resentments ? That's not healthy for you. You are past your limit of tolerance. Not all polyships are good with living together. Could call it lesson learned.

Then Cat has to make their subsequent choices.

  • Cat chooses to let go of the want to date only in a Cohabitating V. Cat chooses to become willing to date in a "Separate homes V."

  1. Cat chooses to keep the want to only date in a Cohabitating V. Cat chooses to let go of dating you.

You both could ask Bird to change their behaviors and not behave like this any more. Find a different way to meet needs/resolve conflicts. But it is on Bird to actually make the changes. All you can do is ASK.

I think it is ok to get you out of the line of fire and then let the chips fall where they may. It's not a healthy polyship if you stay like this. Change might be a good thing here.

It will either be a +/- change. Where it is a plus you moved out and don't deal with this any more, but a bummer to break up.

Or it could be a +/+ change. Where it is a plus you moved out and don't deal with this any more. And Cat becomes willing to date in a separate homes V.

I say go for the changes. It's better than -/-. Bummer you still live there. Bummer you harbor anger and resentments.

Galagirl
 
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Hi doglover0217,

It sounds to me like you are at the end of your tether. You would prefer that C keep seeing you in a separate domicile, but even if C won't, you don't want to live with C and B anymore (or at least not with B). Start looking for a new place to live. Move your stuff out. Then announce that you are moving. Be determined. Don't let B/C beg you to stay. Live in a different place for at least a year.

Does that make sense?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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