Triad may end in divorce...

[Magdlyn]

Yes, Kevin, I respect you. It's fine.


But dads don't "babysit!" Does a mother babysit her own children? Neither should a dad be thought of as a babysitter for his own genetic offspring.

Now if his precious new gf wants to "babysit" so the married couple can go out for a nice relaxing dinner, that would be different...

 

[kdt26417]

Heh, I was just too lazy to think up a better word than "babysit." Yes I was actually using it in the sense of Mom babysitting as well as (we wish) Dad. Parents babysitting their kids, is how I meant it.

Parents parenting their kids? Sure I guess that works. Dad needs to take over the parenting duties when he comes home. How's that?

And I agree that the girlfriend should pitch in and do some babysitting. Which would allow Mom and Dad to do some dyad dating.

 

[A2Poly]

Parents parenting their kids? Sure I guess that works. Dad needs to take over the parenting duties when he comes home. How's that?

And I agree that the girlfriend should pitch in and do some babysitting. Which would allow Mom and Dad to do some dyad dating.

Childminding also would work. Imo.

But the girlfriend 'should' babysit? Uh, no. If she offers, great, I take Mal and Djinn's kids all the time. I take them individually and together, but I do it because I love those kids and want to spend time with them. And I do laundry and cook do dishes when I'm in their house too... But if I was told I 'should' take the kids (or do the laundry/dishes) as a requirement of being in the relationship? I'd flip.

 

[Memorandum]

Why does this look like yet another instance of a husband/bf suddenly being poly after the woman has a child, is pregnant, or soon after the kids show up?
I can imagine if True Dad Confessions wasn't already shut down (unlike TrueMomConfessions where women still get to dish their dirt. i.e. "Oopsers") you'd be on there talking shit on her. Usually it's the women starting a thread trying to minimize any disrespectful behavior (if any). You just showed your end and that sad face is not helping anything, it only makes you look much worse.

It just looks more convenient than poly imo. You definitely deserve any reamings since you're coming off as extremely selfish and goodness knows I want to be colorful.

 

[GreenAcres]

Kevin, your PoV is always refreshing, actually. It often makes me take a step back, breathe, and try to see what you're seeing. You're right about the children needing parents who are actually present and engaged, and I second the counseling. Though, in this case, I think the OP needs to go on his own as much, or more, than he needs marital counseling.

Sorry for the excessive optimism, I am just a believer in the notion that people (even bad people) can change for the better (if they really want to). In this case, professional counseling is what I'm hoping will help turn things around. At the very least, counseling might confirm the general consensus here, which is that divorce is the only answer.

As for the twins, what they really need is for their father as well as their mother to be present and attentive toward them. Dad needs to come home from work ready to take over the babysitting so Mom can get a rest. To me that seems more possible if Dad can be convinced to see things in a different light, and stay in the marriage for the right reasons.

I don't like giving up on people. It makes me uncomfortable. I do it on rare occasion, but only with supreme reluctance. If peace and love have the least chance of saving the day, I'd rather try them before resorting to excoriation. If nothing else, maybe what I post is worth the value of a different point of view.

 

[Inyourendo]

Heh, I was just too lazy to think up a better word than "babysit." Yes I was actually using it in the sense of Mom babysitting as well as (we wish) Dad. Parents babysitting their kids, is how I meant it.

Parents parenting their kids? Sure I guess that works. Dad needs to take over the parenting duties when he comes home. How's that?

And I agree that the girlfriend should pitch in and do some babysitting. Which would allow Mom and Dad to do some dyad dating.

Thats how my ex and I did it when I was a Sahp. I cared for the house, he worded 40 hours out of the home and parenting duties fell on him when he was home (except the breast feeding of course )

 

[kdt26417]

Was I a little careless when I said the girlfriend "should" babysit? If I'd thought it through a little more, I might have said, "Babysitting would be a nice thing for the girlfriend to do." And I agree she shouldn't be *told* to do it.

Re: counseling ... joewinter appears to have left us anyway by now, so I might as well admit, yeah he seems to need counseling far more than his wife does. That is if he would listen to a counselor. Which he might. It's on my mind that he could be less mean and selfish than he is totally clueless.

I think my reasons for suggesting marital counseling are twofold. First, joewinter might gulp down his own part in the counseling if he can console himself that he's "only there for his wife's benefit." In that sense I am being a little sneaky, for the sake of diplomacy. But then there's a second reason on my mind: I strongly suspect joewinter's wife is suffering from depression. What she needs from a counselor is different from what joewinter needs, but she probably does need the help and support that counseling sessions can provide.

In any case, I'm pretty sure the whole matter is out of our hands by now. It seemed like joewinter was very interested in getting a counselor, so I am crossing my fingers and hoping he'll follow through with that.

Or if he doesn't, maybe he'll just divorce his wife which, I can't deny it, would probably be about as good of an ending as any. I just hope his wife also ends up getting the (emotional) help she probably needs.