From
this thread last week:
Thank you for all your advice I was just informed after talking to him that I have to make this work or he will leave me for her I'm devastated. 16 years gone .
How was this resolved? Because in that one he was all "lump it or else I'm leaving you for her."
That isn't him treating you well. And if this is you bending into pretzels trying to hang on to him when it's basically dead in the water because he doesn't treat you well or with respect?
Don't waste your time.
If it was pressure, acting out, or whatever that can be overcome? Then it might be different. Talk about what is EACH person going to do to help in this transition time so ALL can make it through.
But if you JUST started a triad with your best friend... why the rush to live together? Is there even enough space here? Where was she living? Can't he just go hang with her over there? Then you can be here and not watch them cosleeping?
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-living-styles-should-we-all-live-together
I love the way they love each other so I dont want to take away from this happy time.
Ok. You don't want to TAKE AWAY from that. How can you ADD to your own comfort?
How to deal with all 3 of us in bed and feeling like there just snuggling but I'm over there alone ?
You know that neither group sex nor cosleeping is required in a triad, right? You all could have your own rooms. And maybe that ADDS to your comfort. (Do you even want to be in a triad where all are involved? Or prefer a V?)
He takes turns being in his own room, with you, with her. And then you don't to be there witnessing their NRE cuddles feeling like third wheel in your own bed. Or split time across homes to get enough separateness.
If this is new, you don't have a yardstick to comfort you like "He always gets crazy in NRE and then calms down in about 6 months." You are figuring it out as you go.
But you don't have to make it harder by doing uncomfortable stuff like cosleeping if you find that triggering right now.
And if you are doing stuff you really don't want to be doing because he threatened to dump you if you don't? Be honest with yourself that this is what you are doing. And that is not you taking good care of you.
Could let him go. A trial separation or break up is pain enough. Save yourself this extra bonus "bending into pretzels" pain.
Lastly how to deal with preventing my spouse from falling out of love with me when hes deep in NRE ?
Falling out of love? People feel what they feel. That cannot be helped.
Getting NRE obsessed and taking the established partner for granted? That you can talk about. Maybe
read poly hell together and how to skip those pitfalls. Scheduling your own time alone, together in pairs, and some trio time. Not
everything has to be all 3.
Do some detangling.
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
Putting up with poor treatment? That's a conversation you have with yourself. Because you are the one who decides what you will and will not put up with.
I've been used to that for 15 years and then to kinda turn it off it's hard. I feel I'm being to hard about it or kinda crazy so dont know how to approach it just hope this is phase and will work it self out.
You are there. IS it crazy? Because there's a difference between growing pains and abuse.
Yes. You are going to feel loss. Even if the triad or V model is wanted? It's like you and husband broke up. And the "old normal" is gone. And the "new normal" is not here yet. And there's going to be a transition time. You don't have to "turn it off." You could simply experience it and weather it out as part of the changes. Try reasonable and rational adjustment to things so weathering it out is less hard on you.
Like...
If you are all living together and you don't have your own bedroom? You have to witness all this stuff all the time? That's rough. Where if you DID have your own bedrooms, you could retreat to yours or them to hers or his so there's not all this PDA all over the house common rooms all the time.
Does this home have enough bedrooms so you can stop cosleeping? Everyone have their own space? Or at least one room all can use as a "time out" space while seeking a more suitable home?
Any suggestions on how to approach talking about jitters without sounding nagging or negative?
Three prong approach -- you could air out some here.
You could seek a poly friendly counselor if you need extra support for yourself in this transition time.
You could ask husband and your GF (when you say triad I assume you are all romantically involved with each other) how each can bring up and communicate any transition issues without sounding nagging or negative. Cuz everyone has their own preferences.
You might consider non-violent communication.
https://www.cnvc.org/ has lots of stuff.
Basic steps are here. And while there's many books, the one I liked best
was this one.
What is it you actually NEED right now? Could print the need inventory and highlighter. Maybe that helps you better articulate when you request things from your partners.
https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
Change is uncomfortable. It's supposed to be, because growth happens
outside the comfort zone.
- There's comfortable uncomfortable, like you are trying to jump a yard out from your zone.
- And stretching uncomfortable like trying to jump out 5-6 ft out. Effort, but can get there with practice.
- And there just plain crazy uncomfortable trying to jump a mile out rather than making a more realistic multi-step plan.
- And then there's "no way this can work because it's abusive."
I don't know what you have on your hands over there.
Make sure you aren't bending over backwards accommodating everyone else and then you end up dinging or neglecting your own well being.
Or trying to make a kite that won't fly... fly anyway.
Tread with caution. And slow some of this down. That is what I suggest.
Galagirl