Triad turned into V

[Sunwitch]

So that’s the situation, I am Sun, I started to date Princess. We are both poly and she have a primary partner Fawn with whom she lives. After a week into dating her, I got to meet Fawn, and we got along really well. We started to hang out a lot the three of us and eventually, after a few more weeks, Fawn and I started to like each other, and we also started dating. We were having alone time with each other and time with the three of us.

Last week Princess told me she did not want anything romantical with me anymore and just wanted to be friends, but that it should not change anything between Fawn and I.

In the way of her ending that relationship I did not feel considered or respected and I feel really angry at her. But considering Princess is really not fine right now (depression) I have decided to not share how I was feeling about the situation and just to tell her I don’t think we could be friends. Anyway, I don’t see her reacting in a positive way to what I would need to tell her, she’s not really good at communicating her feelings.

But Fawn and I would really like to keep seeing each other. And it would be so much nicer to have KTP, or at least GPP, especially because we hang out in the same places and became good friends with each other friends. Plus, it also means I could actually spend more time with Fawn if I can also hang out with Princess. I don’t really know how to handle things with Princess, I don’t know if it’s possible for me to just forget and move on from my anger, but that is what I would like. I need help to navigate this Triad becoming a V.

 

[Magdlyn]

Mmm... I really dislike the concept of triads, for many reasons, and this is one of them. It's almost always awkward when you try to
"date a couple," but things fizzle out with one of them.

Some of the things you list as problems aren't unique to polyamory, of course.
- staying "just friends" after a break-up
- friend groups who were friends with both of you needing to "take sides" or otherwise negotiate the break-up and their support of the former partners

But now you may not be welcome at the home of Fawn and Princess, at least for a while. Or you may not want to go there, since you're angry with Princess. It sounds like you should go no-contact with Princess, at least for a month or two, if possible. If she's depressed, maybe she won't be going out with your friends group, where you'd be likely to run into her.

I hope she gets treatment for her depression. I'm sorry you didn't get more info about why she was breaking up except that she was no longer feeling romantic about you.

Perhaps after a healing period you may be able to be friends again. If not, maybe garden party poly would be possible.

It's up to Dawn and Princess to decide between them how much they want to host the other's OSOs in their home.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Hi Sun, and welcome!

Can imagine you would want to go back to GPP or KTP. But sometimes a little space is needed to get clarity on the situation.

Some people take some time away and become friends with their exes a few months, a year or few years later. Nothing wrong with that.

Your relationship with Princess is at its own pace and on a different trajectory than with Fawn. Let her work out her mental health and focus on Fawn only, and perhaps you can reconnect in the future.

How is Fawn as the hinge handling this? Are they taking enough time to build the relationship? If a GPP or KTP is something that you "need" as a structure that could also mean you are not compatible anymore.

 

[Sunwitch]

I guess you're both right, about just taking time apart from Princess. I just need to let things cool down and not rush the process, and will see what kind of metamours we could be for each other.

How is Fawn as the hinge handling this? Are they taking enough time to build the relationship? If a GPP or KTP is something that you "need" as a structure that could also mean you are not compatible anymore.

I think she's trying to figure out how she feels about it. It's a new setting for both of them, so they need to take the time to understand what they want as individuals and what they can agree on for their relationship. There are a lot of things that haven’t been cleared up between them, and I asked Fawn to take the time to sit with herself and with Princess before moving forward with her relationship with me. I believe they have put the cart before the horse.

As for me, I am currently reflecting on my boundaries (including deal-breakers) and my preferences for relationships in general—poly relationships in particular—and specifically as a secondary partner. I don't think parallel metamours is actually a deal breaker for me, but more of a preference.

I'm really interested to have opinions on what's going on and on how you all think I should manage it, or if you have personal stories I could relate to.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sun,

I think you are hurting because Princess broke up with you, the hurt has manifested as anger, and you don't want to be her friend. You want to figure out how to make this anger go away, so that you can have KTP or at least GPP with Princess and Fawn. I guess what I'm thinking is that time is what usually heals anger, you probably just need to be angry for a while, until you can work it out of your system. You may not be able to have KTP or GPP right away, but you can have it eventually. Just be patient, with yourself, and with the process.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I just need to let things cool down and not rush the process, and will see what kind of metamours we could be for each other.

I think she's trying to figure out how she feels about it. It's a new setting for both of them, so they need to take the time to understand what they want as individuals and what they can agree on for their relationship. There are a lot of things that haven’t been cleared up between them, and I asked Fawn to take the time to sit with herself and with Princess before moving forward with her relationship with me. I believe they have put the cart before the horse.

That sounds perfect. Lots of couples new to open relationships/polyamory do get carried away at first, with the excitement of a new relationship, the sex, and everything. The general recommendation for a couple opening up is to take a least a year, if not two, to do research before actually starting to date. Polyamory is more complicated than monogamy! There are just so many more moving parts.
This article explains it pretty well.

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...

www.readyforpolyamory.com

If you read back through some of our old threads here (which you can access in the Golden Nuggets section, which has a bunch in one place, mostly from 2009) you can see that triads were much more popular back then, and even in Vs, the usual advice was to meet and befriend your metamour(s), as if that would make everything suddenly perfect. People were also in a rush to move new partners in with them, despite the ensuing mess that would follow.

Poor unicorns would move across country, or in Europe, to an entirely different country, even after a mostly cyber-based relationship, maybe just a couple of irl visits. They'd come to a new city, with low bank accounts, no job, no friends, and just depend on the couple. Then things would not work out well in the triad, leaving the unicorn rootless, with no resources! Not a good place to be.

After these 16 years have gone by, experience has shown the poly community that often parallel poly can work better for many people. Also, just because you want two partners (whether you're straight, bi or gay), the best path is usually not trying to date two members of a long-term couple at once. Their shared history and their own issues are just going to make things difficult for the newcomers.

Back in the 1980s and '90s, when poly was in its infancy, the idea was even for a communal living situation, where everyone was expected to be romantically involved with everyone else, be it three people or 10! Trying to mesh the personalities and needs of everyone is just a Herculean task that in reality just doesn't work.

As for me, I am currently reflecting on my boundaries (including deal-breakers) and my preferences for relationships in general—poly relationships in particular—and specifically as a secondary partner. I don't think parallel metamours is actually a deal breaker for me, but more of a preference.

I'm really interested to have opinions on what's going on and on how you all think I should manage it, or if you have personal stories I could relate to.

Mostly, from my beginning of moving to poly fully (back in 2009) I've avoided any couples who contacted me for triads. I can only remember once where I attempted it. That didn't last past 4 or 5 dates, as I think their own life as a family (with a 4th partner and kids in the mix) was too complicated and demanded their full attention.

I now have two partners, one male, one female, both (more or less) pansexual like me. My partners, while quite cordial, have minimal contact with each other. We are all very happy in a garden-party type of arrangement. No one is a "secondary," except for my bf Aries's other gf, who is married. He considers me his primary. For my female partner Pixi, both her bf and I are her co-primaries. She spends equal time with both of us.

Yet, newbies still try to do triads, and think polyamory means group sex, due to the lingering confusion between poly and swinging, and the lure of the fantasy of threesome sex. This is due to the hype in mainstream media, and the constant porn showing threesomes, orgies and the like.